by Dee Bridle
“Where are you sleeping? Or not sleeping?” he asked.
“The couch in the lounge room,” I replied. He nodded and then asked, “What time did you all finish up?”
“About an hour ago,” I said, stretching my legs, feeling the ache of being on them for an entire day and night. “They all got wasted on tequila.”
“Did you go crazy on soft drinks?” he asked.
“Yep, went all-out and knocked that fizzy sweetness back like crazy,” I muttered, putting my mug down and pulling myself up on top of the kitchen counter.
“You’re so hard core,” he said, taking another marshmallow, throwing it up and catching it again with his mouth.
“Completely hardcore,” I mumbled.
“I know it probably doesn’t mean much right now but I’m proud of you,” he said quietly, focusing on the spoon on the kitchen counter between us. His words wrapped around my heart and I had to swallow the sudden lump of emotion that was stuck in my throat. He meant everything to me and I had ruined it all - because of her, because of me. I wanted to hear more of his words, I wanted to lean against him and soak up his strength, even if I was no longer allowed. I wanted to crawl inside him and just breathe, knowing he was protecting me. Knowing he always had my best interests at heart.
“It’s tough to give it up when everyone seems to be doing it around you all the time,” he said next, still not looking at me. Giving up the things that numbed me was nothing compared to giving him up. I had left a whole chunk of myself with him and I missed both of them.
“So where have you been staying lately when you haven’t been at home?” he asked quietly. I knew it drove Zac crazy when he couldn’t find me and it had obviously been annoying Will too. On those nights I needed to escape the ones closest to me, the ones that I had failed in so many ways. Without a phone trace, Zac couldn’t find my whereabouts and I was truly alone.
“Different friends’ places,” I said vaguely.
His eyebrows drew together and he flicked the spoon over with his finger. It clattered on the kitchen table between us, cutting into the silence. I could tell he wanted to say more and get more questions answered but I turned the questioning to him instead.
“So you have your own room now - what happened to your famous couch?”
“Went into the Hall of Fame,” he said, casually leaning against the kitchen counter. “They begged me to give it to them in the name of science and world records.”
I couldn’t help but smile before I hid it again, hoping he hadn’t seen it.
“Whoa, I think I just saw you smile again,” he said with a smirk.
“It was a wince,” I said, putting my hand in the bag to get a marshmallow.
“Thought so,” he said with amusement. I chewed the marshmallow slowly, savouring the gooey sweetness while secretly soaking up the guy next to me. I could smell him and feel his warmth, his body even closer to me than it was before. I hadn’t sensed him move closer, but he obviously had, if deliberate or by instinct I didn’t know. I wanted to close my eyes for a moment and just get lost in his warmth. He would always have this effect on me.
“Did you enjoy the festival?” he asked next.
“I did.”
“Now you’ve popped your cherry with the Wall of Death, the sky’s the limit.”
“I survived it, it wasn’t a big deal.”
“Once you put your mind to it, you’d survive anything,” he said, turning slightly so both of his elbows were on the kitchen counter, his body even closer to me.
“Is that just a 5am metaphor or are you specifically talking about me?”
“I’m talking about you. Janey the Invincible.”
I huffed and took a sip of my milk. He was so wrong that it was almost hilarious. I was a ball of contradiction wrapped up in regret and anxiety. I had nothing together. I felt so uneasy with life that I was a moment away from it all ending. My skin was tired of keeping all of the mess inside. Some days it felt like it would finally just give up and I would come apart, my entrails the only thing left of me. The last thing I felt was invincible.
“So rehab helped you,” he stated. It wasn’t a question. Well, I didn’t think it was anyway.
“If you want to think it did,” I returned, not really knowing anymore if anything was helping me. I felt more lost sitting here next to him than ever before.
“I’ve kind of given up on thinking about it,” he said with a sigh, standing up from his leaning position, but not moving away. “The whole situation is like a weeping sore and I guess now all I’m hoping for is that it heals into a scab.”
I heard the words ‘given up’ and felt them slay me inside. I had done this. I had given him the bleeding sore.
“It will scab over once you move on,” I said, hating the words but forcing them out. I had to stay away from him, even though every fibre in my body was pulling me back towards him. It was his turn to softly huff before shaking his head slightly.
“If that’s part of your plan then I guess I will.”
Those words dripped of finality and sat heavily between us in the now silent kitchen. I wanted to jump on him and shout that I was lying. I was living a lie and I missed the hell out of him. I wanted to beg him not to move on because it was the worst possible thing he could do to me. I felt the raw pain of being this close to the man who I wasn’t allowed to love anymore.
“I’m sorry for ruining everything,” I suddenly whispered.
He frowned for a moment, concentrating on something before his hand tentatively took mine. He focused on it, not looking at me as he smoothed his thumb over my skin.
“I still don’t understand why, but you’ve made a choice and I guess I’ll accept it.”
I looked down at his fingers on mine and blinked back the tears that were forming.
“You want a new life and I’m not in it”.
I slowly blinked, feeling every word like a slow punch.
“It’s not like that, Will,” I whispered.
“Then how is it?” he asked leaning into me, our foreheads barely touching. “You were all mine, my Janey and then you went in to rehab and you became a stranger.”
I swallowed back a sob and closed my eyes.
“I didn’t want to be a stranger, but it’s the only way I can do this,” I whispered.
“But what if I just want my friend back?”
“I’m the worst type of friend to have,” I whispered. “You of all people should know that.”
His lips gently brushed against my forehead as he said, “Yeah, but it’s what we have together. We wouldn’t be us without it.”
His words both caressed my heart and squeezed it painfully. My Will, the one who would at times put his humour aside and bowl me over with his true emotions. No-one else got to see this version of him, only me. One day, he would find another girl and she would see this side of him, and I hated her already.
“Was it because I was bad for you? Enabled you somehow?”
“No,” I said immediately, pulling back a little and looking him in the eye. This wasn’t his fault. It was all mine, and I had to own it. “You’re not the bad one here, Will. Leave that for me. I’m the bad one. I’m the one that needs to get my life in order. I need to stop ruining yours and get it together.”
“And if I said you had never ruined my life?” he pressed.
I leaned back further from him as I said, “But I have Will. In so many different ways.”
He frowned, looking like he was going to argue with me.
“Don’t pretend otherwise. I just need space and time to get myself together. Shape myself into a normal person that doesn’t escape her problems through hurting herself and hurting the ones closest to her.”
He nodded, his hand slowly letting mine go. I felt the space between us instantly and it was so hard to let go.
“So what’s the plan then?” he asked next.
The question stumped me. I had no plan as yet. I only had an epiphany a few hours ago, so I
was yet to set things in motion. I had only concentrated on trying not to get wasted and hurt myself over the last few months. It had taken all the power I had to keep afloat and not drown in the depths of my own despair. Now I needed to take the next step; to take care of myself and look towards the future.
“I need to find a job,” I said suddenly. Maybe that was a good first step on my road to fixing myself. I needed to take some responsibility and not have the time to get lost in my depressing thoughts.
“Cool. Want me to help? I’ve got…contacts, especially in the bar business. I could organise something for you straight away.”
I tried not to feel overwhelmed at the direction of the conversation. I had hurt this guy over and over again and he was still going out of his way to help me with my new plan.
“I guess if I’m behind the bar, I can’t drink myself crazy and make bad decisions.”
“Exactly,” he said pulling his phone from his pocket and texting someone.
“You’re texting someone now? It’s nearly six am.”
“Nightclubs don’t sleep,” he said receiving a text, reading it and then typing something back. I reached over to the sink, put my mug down and grabbed another marshmallow. Maybe this was a really good idea. It was something that I could own for myself. I could take responsibility and wouldn’t have to rely on Zac anymore. Maybe I could really fix myself.
“Done,” he said, slipping his phone in his pocket. “You start today at five pm.”
“What?” I exclaimed.
“Got you a bar position at Disclosure.”
“But I’ve never done something like that. I’ve never –
“It’s cool, Janey. They will train you up,” he said finishing off his milk and then putting the mug in the sink. “Want me to take you?” he asked, before pausing and thinking better. “Or I’ll just text you the address. Ask for Jake. He’s the manager there,” he said texting me the details.
“But, it’s not that simple –
“Some things are that simple. Give it a go. If it doesn’t work out, you can do something else,” he said with a shrug.
“But –
“I’m going to have a shower, I’ve got to be at work in thirty minutes,” he said walking away.
“You haven’t had any sleep.”
“So what else is new,” he said with a grin, before leaving me with a wink. I went to smile and then stopped myself, hearing him head up the stairs. I heard his door close upstairs somewhere and then I let myself smile for a moment. Will had not only made me smile once again but he had given me hope. I had a new job. Maybe my life could be okay. I turned the light off in the kitchen and went back to my makeshift bed on the couch. My phone lit up with a message in the darkened room and I grabbed it, hoping it was from Will saying goodnight or something from upstairs.
Unknown: Whore
And just like that, any hope I felt drained away from me in an instant.
Will
I was struggling. I had just finished my lunch break and now all I wanted was to fall into bed and sleep for the next twelve hours. I had hoped that I had mended a small part of my friendship with Janey earlier that morning; even if I had left her thinking I was happy with the friend situation. I would always want more but I knew she needed the time and space. I was happy that I could help her out with a job - she didn’t need to know that my family owned the club and that I had made the decision to hire her. I had told Jake, my half-brother, to expect her and to take care of her. She was also in no uncertain terms, off limits to anyone in the club. But of course Janey didn’t need to know any of that.
I flicked my cigarette into the metal ash tray on the floor outside and finished off my energy drink as I walked back to where I was working. I worked construction. My family owned half the city but I sweated hard each day building commercial offices. After my first misdemeanour with the law, my now late grandfather had set up a contract that I had to follow. I had to do what he required or I would not be allowed to access my trust fund that he had set up for me. He had one requirement - for me to work, at a specific construction company. He gave no other instructions, other than I had to fulfil a job there for at least three years. At the time I had put it down to him wanting to show a rich kid high on life and drugs a bit of responsibility and hard work. I guess it had. I had already passed the three year mark just recently and I was still there. I missed my grandfather. I had never met my father and to this day still didn’t know who he was. I was obviously created during a one night stand, or so I was led to believe, and I left it at that. I didn’t have daddy issues because my grandfather alone had been the strong male in my family. I had always looked up to him and he was the only one in the family who seemed to understand me. His death had really done a number on me and I missed the hell out of him.
The hard work didn’t hurt me. Most days when I hadn’t missed sleep, I enjoyed coming to work. I liked the boss and I had made some good friends there.
But today I was struggling.
I couldn’t get Janey off my mind, even though she was never far from it most days. These last months had been hard on me and I hated the fact that I was in the dark with what happened during rehab. She had gone in and disappeared from me. The girl who had been my future had changed, and we were finished. No proper explanation. Just…done.
I couldn’t let her go. She meant too much to me even though she had clearly told me to move on. I felt like she was lying, not only to me, but to herself. No one could deny the attraction, the familiarity and intensity between us. She was it for me. I had tried to forget her but no matter how many girls let me in between their legs; she was always there in my mind. I wanted to demand answers. I wanted to find the shrink that had told her I was a bad idea and ask why.
I had always been on her side and never took advantage like the other fuck heads before me. I wasn’t there to use her or make her feel bad; I wanted her better. I wanted her to see the girl that she really was inside, the beautiful soul that had captured me the moment we had set eyes on each other all those years ago. It pained me that she was so willing to throw everything away.
“Will!”
My head shot up to see Dean, the boss, looking over at me near the doorway. He smiled and shook his head as he said, “Your shift finished ten minutes ago.”
“Shit,” I said as I put my tools down and wiped my hands on my work pants.
“It’s got to be a girl, right?” he said with a knowing smile. I looked around the place to see if the other guys had gone because I didn’t want to be teased.
“Yeah.”
“Trouble?” he asked next.
“Always,” I said heading over to him.
“Want a beer and talk about it? Or have a beer and not talk about it like real men?” he asked. We usually had beers together at the end of the week with the rest of the guys, as a wrap up of a long, hard week. But if he was offering up tonight as well, I wasn’t going to say no.
“Yeah, sure. Why not!”
It wasn’t long before we were in the local bar across the street, sipping on a cold beer and talking about anything but my troubles with Janey.
“So you’re married,” I stated, noting his wedding ring.
“I am…well I was, but I lost my wife a few years back now. To cancer.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said not even comprehending the idea of cancer and losing someone I loved.
“And I’ve got two sons; very proud of them both. Think you’ll settle down one day soon?” he asked.
“I can’t even keep a girlfriend, so no, probably not in the near future. But when its time, yeah I’ll settle down. Have a stack of kids.”
“Good luck with that,” he said with a smile.
I shrugged and said, “I just want a big family. Be a good dad.”
“Sounds good,” he said motioning to the bartender for another two beers. “You have any brothers or sisters?”
“I have two half-brothers but don’t have much to do with t
hem,” I said as I put the bottle to my lips and took a long swig. “I’m the outcast of the family and I like to keep it that way.”
Dean sipped his beer and then asked, “And your parents?”
“My mother enjoys keeping me as the outcast and I never knew my father.”
“That must have been hard.”
“I accepted early on that he wasn’t part of my life for whatever reason. My mother never wanted to talk about him, so I just moved on I guess. I put it down to a one night stand.”
Dean nodded and then asked, “So you’re not close to your mother?”
“Hell, no! She’s actually the devil incarnate, disguised in a woman’s body. She owns half the city and lives and breathes her businesses. Nothing else matters to her. It’s quite possible she feeds off defenceless babies in her down time.”
“Right,” laughed Dean.
“So you close with your sons?” I asked, just knowing he probably would be.
“I am. They’re my world,” he said proudly. I clinked my beer with his and took another sip. I wanted to be just like that one day.
Chapter Six
Past
Will
“So what if I was to say that I like your sister?”
Zac chuckled as he leaned back on the couch, a joint to his mouth.
“I’d say no shit,” he said with a smirk.
“No big surprise there¸” laughed Noah. “You had your tongue out as soon as you saw her the other night and your eyes were all googly and shit.”
“Googly?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“Yeah, like a lovesick puppy.”
“How about you say that again, but this time with my fist in your mouth,” I said.
“Boys, keep your fantasies private. I want no part of it,” said Zac, sitting up and taking a sip of his beer. He looked over to me thoughtfully.
“Yes, I can see you’re into her. I don’t think there are many guys who would ever be able to handle her, but you just might. You know what she’s been through though and I wouldn’t want to see her hurt.”
