by Dee Bridle
“Where is she?!” I bellowed, storming through his group and grabbing him by the neck. His friends rallied around me, wanting to pull me off him until Zac and Noah pushed them back. Someone recognised Noah from his underground fight and told the others to back off if they knew what was good for them.
“Where is she?” I asked, squeezing Sebastian’s neck. His eyes popped and he let out a gurgle. Anger ripped through me and I wanted to suddenly squeeze harder and end this excuse of a guy. He had come between us and had now put Janey in trouble.
“Has anyone seen this girl?” Noah shouted, showing a photo of Janey on his phone. The crowd closest to us, looked at the screen shaking their heads. Sebastian gurgled something and I loosened my grip on him. He gasped out an address but pleaded he knew nothing else.
She had left the party with someone.
My carefully constructed bubble of happiness suddenly burst and the years of torment of the unknown smacked me in the head. Things had obviously been going too well. She had relapsed and God knows what she had done. I let Sebastian go and he stumbled back, holding his neck.
“You and I are not finished,” I growled, before leaving the party.
I didn’t talk to the guys as we drove to the address. No-one had to say anything because we were all thinking it; had she relapsed into the old Janey, full of danger and bad decisions? Or had her stalker taken her?
Was she in serious trouble right now?
The address was a park, which had a fairground currently residing on it. The gates were closed and the amusement rides had been shut down for the night, except for one. One lone amusement ride was lit up and spinning around in the darkness. I jumped over the gates and ran over to the carousel, the music loud in the quiet hours of the morning. I saw her lying on one of the carriages and quickly looked around; she was alone except for a guy sitting at the controls, smoking a cigarette. I went straight over to him, not understanding why he was even here, spinning this fucking ride. She definitely hadn’t come here with him because he was bald and at least over sixty.
“You here for the girl?” he asked me.
I nodded.
“I was told to keep it going until she wanted it to stop or if someone showed up for her.”
“By who?”
“Some guy who paid me a hundred bucks to do it,” he said with a shrug. “He said the carousel was her favourite, so he made it happen. Young love, I guess.”
My lips pressed together in a thin, straight line, “Where is the guy now?”
“He left about half an hour ago,” he said with another shrug. “Needed to get somewhere.”
“Can you remember what he looked like?” asked Noah from behind me.
The old guy took a deep drag of his cigarette.
“Not really. He had a cap on, but that was about it. Why? He in some sort of trouble?”
“Do you have any security cameras around here?” asked Zac.
“Nope. We’re a fairground, not a bank.”
I moved over to the carousel, grabbed a pole and lifted myself onto it. I made my way through the horses going up and down and felt the carousel start to slow; he was turning it off and Janey’s ride was over. I reached for her body, lying within a carriage to see she was dressed but missing her shoes.
I crouched down to her and smoothed her face. Her eyes opened and reached my own.
“Will?” she gasped.
“Hey.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Are you hurt?” I asked.
“No..?” she said unsurely, sitting up in the carriage and looking over her body.
“Who brought you here?”
“I don’t remember,” she said.
“So, you don’t remember anything at all about last night?” I asked with a frown.
“I don’t know; it’s all a blur.”
“Did he touch you?” I asked next.
“Who?” she asked, before leaning over and throwing up. “Make it stop,” she groaned. The carousel had already come to a gentle stop but she was obviously still spinning.
“Drugs?” asked Zac, appearing near us with Noah.
“Sounds like it,” I said.
“I said no to them all,” she said angrily. “I didn’t take anything and I didn’t drink. I swear,” she said vomiting again.
“Let’s get her home,” said Noah.
“Does she remember him?” asked Zac.
“No,” I said with a sigh, rubbing my hands over my face in anguish. I didn’t know where to go from here or what to say.
“I didn’t do anything with anyone. I swear Will, I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
“But you can’t remember parts of the night or who brought you here,” I said, failing to hide my anger.
“I’d remember something like that! I didn’t do anything. I just blanked out for some reason. I can’t remember why.”
“So, this stranger just knows that one of your favourite rides is the carousel?” asked Zac.
“I don’t know, maybe I had mentioned it?” she said unsurely, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
“You can’t remember him or how you got here but you told him a childhood favourite of yours is the carousel?” I asked in angry disbelief.
“You’re really mad at me,” she said instead. “And you don’t believe me.”
“You went away from the party with a strange guy, and you were drugged. Yeah, I’m kind of mad about that.”
She took a deep breath and then let it out. “Where are my shoes?” she asked next.
“Probably the same place as your phone,” said Zac.
“Fuck you all,” she said, standing up and forcing herself to climb off the carousel on unsteady legs. She fell to the grass but got up again.
“Janey, stop,” I demanded, following her down to help her.
“Just leave me alone,” she cried. “You obviously don’t believe me. All of you are looking at me with your fucking disappointed eyes!”
“We’re just worried,” said Noah. “That’s all.”
“I didn’t do anything with anyone! I didn’t take drugs or drink anything. I don’t know why I’m here but I didn’t choose to be, okay? I didn’t deliberately mess up again,” she shouted, tears falling down her cheeks.
My heart squeezed and I went to her. “I know,” I said quickly, pulling her to me.
“I didn’t do this!” she cried, thumping me on the chest. “I wouldn’t do this to you again.”
“I know,” I soothed, holding her tight and rubbing her back as she cried into my t-shirt. Zac eyed me over the top of her head and we silently confirmed that this meant serious trouble; she had been given drugs.
She had gone with a strange guy, who just happened to know her childhood favourite was the carousel.
This was not good.
It wasn’t good at all.
Janey
I felt the silent glances between the three guys as I sat hugging my knees close to my chest on the couch in Will’s penthouse. I sat in a state of silent, simpering anger at the unfairness of the situation.
I had spent years doing this exact thing, without a care to anyone, especially myself. I would get so high or drunk, that I would let anyone do anything to me; I didn’t care because I was shut down. Shut down to every fucker that hurt me, but this was different. I had been good, and I thought I was changing; I hadn’t done it deliberately this time. I thought I had been careful, especially with all the drugs on offer. I had wanted to be with my so-called friends and I knew I was going home that night to my Will. I didn’t need to get wasted.
I had been set up. It was the only way that this could have happened. Will’s mother had the power to set something up and make me look bad in Will’s eyes. It was her ultimate gain if Will lost all his trust in me. From the moment I had set eyes on him on the carousel, I could see the doubt already begin to breed in his eyes. He had done this too many times over the years and I had ruined any chance of pure forgiveness. This situat
ion would linger between us, clouding his judgement and ruining our happiness.
I broke the silence with an accusation before I could stop myself.
“Maybe this is what your mother wanted or even planned. For me to look like I relapsed so you could all send me away again,” I said.
Zac suddenly let out a frustrated sigh. “She needs to be told about what’s going on,” he said looking to Will. “It’s too dangerous for her not to know.”
“Know what?” I asked, glaring over at Will.
Will took a moment, concentrating on the floor, before looking directly at me.
“You’ve been getting deliveries since the accident. Anonymous ones and we can’t find out anything about them. You have a stalker that we can’t find,” he said.
“What type of deliveries? Like the black rose at the hospital?” I asked.
“And photos,” said Zac.
“Of what? Where are they? I want to see them,” I demanded.
“Of you,” said Noah.
Zac pushed an iPad across the coffee table and said, “Take a look. The originals are in Will’s safe.”
“They’re sending hard copies?” I asked with a frown.
“Whoever it is, they’re obviously aware of Zac’s profession,” said Will.
I opened the photos on the iPad and swiped to the first one. Dread settled in my stomach.
I swiped again.
Then again.
I couldn’t remember any of them and it scared the living shit out of me. The one on the city street was from a few years back and I only knew this as I was missing a couple of tattoos on my arm. Had he taken these? Had he been in a room where I was sleeping or passed out? I didn’t recognise the room and fear made me want to vomit.
I had lived a life where some parts were just blanked out, forgotten. I had put myself in trouble, time and time again. Some would say I was lucky to be alive after all the times I had woken up somewhere strange. When the drugs would start to wear off and I would take in my unknown surroundings, wondering what the hell I had done the night before.
I felt horrible. Just downright terrible. I had been pushing the limits for years and now here I was, being stalked and putting the guys I loved most in this world through hell. Yet again. I tried to process my emotions like the changed person I had become but I soon failed and only came up with uncontrollable anger. I needed to deflect the hurt and shame that was trying to swallow me up.
I slammed the iPad back on the coffee table and stood up. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” I asked angrily.
“I decided that we weren’t going to say anything to you,” said Will firmly.
“That wasn’t your decision to make!” I shouted.
“Like not telling us that you’ve been getting messages from a stalker for months on end?” asked Noah.
“They’re not real!”
“Yes, they are,” said Zac.
“You were fucking happy, Janey; I didn’t want to cloud it with this shit, okay?” Will shouted back at me.
“You still should have told me!”
“Let’s not get into what we should be doing,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Is that a dig at last night?” I asked, starting to pace. “So, Janey made yet another mistake! Am I going to be spending my life apologising to you?”
Will stood up too, anger emanating off his body, “I don’t know Janey, are you?”
I stopped pacing and looked at him, my head buzzing with emotion. I looked to Zac who had his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands. To Noah who was watching me carefully, waiting for my next move. I was the worst person alive right now. History was repeating itself, again and again. I wanted to run away right now and leave the hurt behind. I couldn’t cope with the rushing inside of me, the emotion that I couldn’t decipher. I felt dizzy and wanted to vanish into nothing, to a place where I wasn’t causing all of this despair. I needed something to soothe me, to quiet the turmoil racing through my mind and body.
“This shit stops now,” demanded Will.
I jumped at his voice and stared at him. The blurriness of my eyes started to fade as I focused on him.
“Whether this was a set-up or not, I won’t tolerate any fucking drugs. No more parties without me, and no more disappearing with strange guys. If you want a life with me, all of this stops.”
I swallowed down a lump of emotion, my eyes not moving from his.
“No-one is going to send you away from me,” he stated firmly. “I won’t let them, but there is a sick fuck out there playing with us at the moment and I want to get my hands on him and put an end to all of this. But until that happens, we need to be extra vigilant. I can deal with your past Janey, and I can deal with the photos, but I can’t deal with you still thinking that you are the only one in all of this. That you can still make crappy decisions and not deal with the fallout.”
I stared at him, trying to feel the numbness I needed but all I could feel was pain. True pain. “I didn’t deliberately take any drugs,” I gritted out.
“I know, but you still ended up drugged.”
“Because I was set up.”
“So, stop and think about what you are doing. Every decision you make has a consequence. I can only worry about you so much; you need to be responsible too.”
“I was. I had been,” I muttered, feeling the emotion start to choke me.
“Danger 101 – don’t go places with strangers, don’t take drugs, don’t make bad decisions at a party full of people you don’t know. This is all common knowledge but you just disregard it all, like your life doesn’t mean shit. You’ve always tempted fate, pushed the boundaries to see just how far you can go.”
I tried to take a breath but failed, my lungs aching for air.
“But I think you’ve gone far enough, Janey. My head, my heart, all of it, won’t take anymore. You mean everything to me, always fucking have from the moment I set eyes on you. I want to be with you. Fuck, I want to grow old with you, the whole deal, but that can’t happen if you continue to do this.”
I gasped for air and a sob escaped instead, as the tears blurred my vision. I felt something in me break as the tears started to fall. I couldn’t contain it all anymore and felt my entire body shudder; I felt the beginning of the release of all the angst and hurt that I had been keeping locked away for so long. I held myself around the waist, trying in vain to keep it all in. I feared the release. Feared the pain that was coming, because I didn’t want to feel it, had never allowed myself to feel it. It was going to hurt like a bitch.
Another sob escaped me and then I started to cry my heart out. Pain slashed at me as I let it release. None of them moved to console me, but I didn’t want them to anyway; this was my release, my pain. I dropped to my knees and let it out, crying like a baby. My head felt like it was about to burst as every sob racked through me. I covered my face; the tears running down my hands and wrists. I cried for all my past mistakes, the worry I had put everyone through, the depression, the fate I tempted most nights, the complete and utter dislike of myself during those times. My past terrors. The hatred.
I opened my eyes to see that Will had moved; he was no longer standing near me. I looked around in panic to find him out on the balcony, looking out over the city. With all my fears, I feared losing him the most. I wiped at my tears and turned back to look at Zac and Noah.
“I don’t think you’ve got any more chances,” Zac quietly said. “Don’t fuck this up.”
I didn’t know if he meant with my life, with him or my Will but I nodded to them all. He then got up from the couch, leaned over and kissed me on the top of the head. “Love you,” he whispered.
T I hadn’t heard t hose two whispered words , from his lips settled over me and made my chest ache and I fel t the ache in my chest as they settled over me . Noah caught my eye and gave me a wink as fresh tears appeared.
“I need coffee,” said Zac as he headed over to the lift.
“Me too,” said N
oah following him. “We’ll be back.”
I cried a little more as they left, before wiping at my tears and slowly getting up from the floor. I turned to look at Will, his muscles tense as he looked out over the city. I wanted to remove his anger, let him know that he could trust me from now on but whatever I said, he wouldn’t believe me now. I would just have to show him over time - hopefully time that he would give me. I walked over to him outside and stopped behind him. I put my hand on his back and kept it there for a moment, touching the living, breathing protector of mine. I moved my hand up to his shoulder blades and then back down again. I leaned in and kissed his back, before resting my face against him. I couldn’t say sorry; “sorry” was just a word, a word I had uttered too many times over the years to the point it was completely meaningless.
He hadn’t moved, so I kissed his back one more time, leaning myself against him. I slowly moved both arms around his waist and held on to him; he was my anchor and the most important person in my world. I would never jeopardise that again. It was my own silent promise. If I did, I didn’t deserve to live.
“I want nothing more than to grow old with you too,” I murmured against him.
He didn’t move at first, so I just held onto him. I felt all other words were redundant so I just held on tight.
Then I felt the urge to say one more thing.
“I love you, Will. More than you ever know; you mean everything to me.”
I felt instantly lighter, releasing those words. They were heartfelt and no longer something I feared because it was the simple truth. I did love him. Every inch of him, every breath.
He moved and took hold of my arm that was wrapped around him, pulling me around to face him. He enclosed me in against the balcony edge, his hands either side of me, gripping onto the railing. I looked up into his eyes, seeing the man that my teenaged sweetheart had grown into; this man had the strength to keep me, to hold me, and protect me. He leaned his face into mine, our noses slightly grazing each other before our foreheads touched. I could see the anger, love and strength deep within his eyes. He was a force to be reckoned with and I knew I would forever be safe in his arms. I only hoped I had the strength to hold onto him.
