by L. A. Bowen
the end of a long day
Will you be coming back for writing club? asks Mr. Bates. I’m collecting my books and getting up to leave. Yeah, maybe! I lie, cheerfully. As if I don’t have better things to do.
the night is young
Kate parallel parks and makes it on the third try. Abby digs through her purse for a cigarette and lighter. I chomp a piece of gum and pass the pack around to share. Abby runs a brush through her hair for the hundredth time. Kate checks her makeup in the overhead mirror. Finally, we’re ready for another party.
smoke circle
We lean on damp furniture on the front porch passing a blunt. I take a drag though I can’t seem to do it right. Not sure if I can’t. Or if I won’t. The thought of my lungs blackening stops me mid-breath. Smoke burns my throat and I cough. Amateur... Abby laughs. It’s passed around a couple more times and comes back wet and soggy. I try to inhale once more but my heart just isn’t in it. I’m not sure if I feel the weed or if I’m just drunk. I’m glad when it’s down to nothing. And Tim crumbles it between his fingers and tosses it into the snow.
do i count this one?
I go to the kitchen for a drink. Eric is digging for a beer in the glow of the fridge and hands me one, too. We lean on the counter and chat. He’s asks, So what’s up with you and Morgan? And I tease, None of your business... You know I don’t kiss and tell... Oh, really? Eric grabs my face. He kisses me on the mouth with force. So hard it actually hurts. I hear somebody walk in and turn around saying, Heyyyy...sorry! I turn my face, and push Eric away, though he’s already letting go. What the heck?! Dude, that is so not cool! I want to scream at him but instead I just stammer. Sorry, he says. You know I’m just messing with you! He laughs and walks away.
rough seas
I wonder who saw us and what they’re thinking. And who they told, if anyone. Maybe it’s best to say nothing. But a couple of beers later I decide to talk to Morgan. I find him surrounded by friends. Right away, it seems like he’s angry. Did somebody tell him something? I say, Hey, we need to talk. But he storms off. I text him, Hey, we need to talk. No response. I’ll give him some space, wait for things to calm down. But then, not 15 minutes later, Morgan is sitting on the couch with some girl on his lap. They’re laughing and whispering. He touches her hair. I’m too embarrassed to step in. I’m not going to cause a scene. A few guys I know shoot me nervous glances. One of them puts their hand on my shoulder. What’s going on? they want to know. Is everything all right? But I can’t speak. Through my tears, everything is a b l u r. Like I’m wearing Morgan’s glasses.
IT’S over.
When I see them KISS my HE ART breaks in two.
end scene
One by one everyone leaves. Most of them stumble down the front stairs. One climbs out of a window. Morgan and the new girl disappear into his room. And I’m alone in the living room. Kate and I had planned on spending the night here. I don’t want to tell her what happened. And I haven’t seen her in a while. Probably in Eric’s room by now. Probably too drunk to drive anyway. I guess I could call a taxi. It doesn’t feel safe to go alone. At this hour. And I can’t show up at my house n ow. It’s 3 a.m. I’m supposed to be at a sleepover. So I lie down on the couch. In the dark, I stare at the ceiling. I realize the front door is still wide open. And there are no bodies left to warm the room. But I can’t be bothered to move.
a long night
I’m on his couch. The only thing separating me and them is his bedroom wall. She’s in his bed.
falling
I fell for him. It just felt right. But things fell undone. In one fell swoop. I guess I just fell out of favor. I won’t be falling asleep tonight.
in the morning light
Finger-tip shaped bruises on my jaw. A fat lip and a broken heart. Kate only notices my puffy red eyes. She waits until we’re in the car to ask. What happened? I’m already pretending it’s nothing. We broke up. It’s okay. I’m over it. I knew it wouldn’t last anyway. Didn’t I?
English class
Sitting in last period again. I fake it through the entire class. No one realizes I didn’t do the reading. Then the bell rings—finally freedom. Mr. Bates speaks just loud enough for me to hear over the shuffle of papers. Paige, can you stay a minute, please? Everybody turns to glance at me. Wondering what I’ve done. Staying after class is for troublemakers and nerds. Which one am I?
busted
BUSTED He must know I didn’t read the book. Mr. Bates shuffles papers on his desk for a minute saying nothing, while the room empties. The last students disappear through the doorway. Mr. Bates sits on the edge of his desk. Trying to look casual. Is everything okay? he asks. Yeah, of course. What else am I supposed to say? If there’s anything troubling you, you can talk to me or any of your teachers. Any time. Okay... I say with a straight face. Have a nice day, Paige. Thank you, Mr. Bates. And I leave this moment in the dust.
rebound
Forget all the drama. I just want to have fun. There are so many other guys out there. We go to Eric’s party on Friday. I’m glad that Morgan is at work. Abby and Kate are my allies at war with Morgan. Alcohol is our ammo. I drink more than usual to prove that I don’t care. (But instead it shows that I care a lot.) I spend the night flirting with a guy I’ve never met. His name is Bobby. Nothing really happened, but we fell asleep on the couch together. When I wake up in the morning I feel ill. But I realize that Morgan had to walk past us when he got home last night. And secretly, I’m glad.
snow ball
I almost forgot about the Snow Ball. It’s our school’s winter dance. Kate is going with Trevor. She laughs, We can’t let our parents know who we really hang out with. Abby found a date, some guy named Shawn. I was starting to get nervous I wouldn’t find anyone. But then Alex Parish asked me! Mixed emotions. I always liked him. (Really, really liked him. Since forever.) And I guess...I still do? But he doesn’t drink. How will this be any fun?
the night of the dance
Kate and I meet at my house to do our hair and makeup. We borrow old dresses from each other. Because we’d rather save our money for alcohol. Our dates show up with a few other friends. Alex gives me a flower to wear on my wrist. Our moms take pictures in the living room. We all smile and say, Cheese!
shawn
SHAWN I don’t know how Abby’s date is allowed at the school dance. They show up drunk and high. He has tattoos that are so old they’re already fading. And he shaves his head to hide that he’s balding. But no one at school seems to notice. They leave early without saying goodbye.
having a ball?
It’s the same old high school dance. Everybody mingles and moves around more awkwardly than we’d like to admit. Alex is a good dancer. I am not. We agree that the music is not our usual taste. But when a slow song comes on he puts his arms around me and it just feels right. I’m a little surprised. I’m having more fun with this kid than I thought I would.
burger buddies
It’s the same old high school dance. Everybody mingles and moves around more awkwardly than we’d like to admit. Alex is a good dancer. I am not. We agree that the music is not our usual taste. But when a slow song comes on he puts his arms around me and it just feels right. I’m a little surprised. I’m having more fun with this kid than I thought I would.
xo, or no?
I’m sad when it’s time to say goodnight. But I’m still thinking of someone else.
he texted me
Morgan must have seen all the photos we posted from the Snow Ball. I know he’s just trying to have the final word. But he texted me. I want to see you. I know he’s just trying to prove that I still want him. But isn’t that the truth? He wants to see me! I’m trying to play it cool. But I am so not playing it cool.
our annual shopping trip
I go shopping with Kate and Abby at the mall. The holidays are approaching. We’re looking for gifts for our families. And searching the sales racks for ourselves. I buy a sweater for Mom. A book for Dad. And some
weird toy Logan wants. We take a break from shopping. And get hot pretzels and lemonade in the food court. Kate and Abby are talking about the next party. But my mind is somewhere else. Wondering if I should get a gift for Morgan. I don’t want him to know I care more than he does.
holiday cheer
Last day of school before break! Then freedom! Everybody is wearing their favorite ugly holiday sweaters and Santa hats. By the end of the day I can’t believe we barely have any homework. Kate and I are making faces at each other from across the room. The whole class is a little wound up. Maybe we’re too old to be acting so silly. But nobody can seem to contain their excitement. Even our teachers are in an extra jolly mood today.
a major assignment
Only a minute left in the day. We all start to pack up our books and papers. I almost forgot! Your assignment this break... starts Mr. Bates. Everyone moans. What? You said we didn’t have any homework! A few people mumble. Your assignment this break... repeats Mr. Bates, is to have fun! And be SAFE! he adds. Kate and I shoot each other a look and laugh. We all charge out through the door the second the bell rings.
winter break
I could stay in and bake cookies with mom. Or play video games with Logan. Why don’t you two build a snowman? Mom asks. Or go sledding down at the park? Yeah right! All I want to do is party with my friends. Going out for hot chocolate with Kate! I lie. Mom’s shouts, Be careful out there! or something. But I can hardly hear as the screen door slams behind me. Can’t wait to see Morgan.
OCEANS APART
We’ve never talked about what happened that night. I just wish everything could be normal between us again. But was it ever? I always think that the next time I see him I’ll have the words and the guts to say everything I need to say. But the words don’t come.
WAVES
Maybe a after few drinks more but again then I want don’t to waves make
drinking games
Sometimes we play drinking games. As if we don’t drink enough without games. Sometimes we play to drink. And sometimes we drink to play. It’s a bit foolish either way.
truth or dare?
Dare: Eric makes a snow angel in his underwear. Dare: Kate kisses Abby on the lips. Dare: Morgan chugs another beer. Dare: Abby runs down the street topless. Truth: I have never ever shoplifted. Truth: Eric has tried every drug we can name. Dare: Eric tells Kate to kiss Morgan, but Morgan refuses. Truth: I am relieved.
WORLDS APART
I say, Hey, we need to talk. Morgan says, What’s up? Remember that night? What night? Did somebody tell you that Eric kissed me? Ha ha, no. What are you talking about? Oh. He kissed me. One night. But I didn’t want him to... Well, it’s not a big deal. You can kiss whoever. It’s not like we’ve ever been that serious. I know, I lie. And I don’t know what is real anymore.
this or nothing
We’re not really going out. But at least we’re hanging out. And stuff. I’ll take this over nothing. For now
who else has he been with?
The more
I drink
about it
the less
I think
about it.
staying afloat
I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. The sky is clear and the sun is bright. But a dark cloud moves in. The water grows choppy. Kate and Abby are nearby, struggling. I call to them and reach out. But I, too, am sinking. My raft has turned into a giant glass bottle. I lose my grip and fall off. The waves feel sticky. We start to drink. Because maybe if we drink enough, the ocean will dry up and our feet will reach the earth below. We drink and drink and drink. We’re so close. But I get woozy. And just as I feel my feet settle onto the soft ocean floor, I tip into the shallow sea facedown and pass out. When I wake up I’m lying on my bedroom floor. Haven’t fallen out of bed since I was too young to remember.
procrastinators
It’s Sunday night. The last night of winter break. We have to go to school in the morning. But first, one more party. Kate and I tell our parents, We’re having a sleepover at Abby’s again. We have to finish a project, we lie. We put it off until the last minute, we lie. It’s poetry. Which is only sort of a lie. Mom is not surprised. I’m a good student, but even she knows, a procrastinator. I don’t know about this, Mom says. A sleepover on a school night? She is not too happy about it. Make sure you aren’t late for school in the morning! She warns. Or else this will be the LAST sleepover you ever have! We can’t be late! I tell Kate when I get in her car. Agreed! Kate says. My mom said the exact same thing!
in disguise
We’re going to a party but I look like I’m going to a sleepover. I leave home wearing an old sweatshirt but I change into my favorite top and put on makeup in the car. I take down two long braids so that my hair falls in waves. And ditch my glasses even though I don’t own contacts. Now everyone can see my eyes even if I can’t see theirs. It’s not supposed to be a big deal. Just a few people hanging out. But one of them happens to be Morgan.
the hangout
It’s a good night. An amazing, drama-free night. We hang out in the living room playing cards. Drinking games that have everyone laughing. And arguing— though it’s all in good fun. Morgan has his arm around me the whole time. Even Eric is acting sweet and fun to be around. Kate plays the role of DJ and changes every song halfway through. Abby and Tim seem to be hitting it off. I behave myself for the most part. I mean compared to the usual. So maybe I did drink a little too much. Nobody pays attention to the time. Until we all go to bed at around 5 a.m. We can’t be late for school tomorrow! Kate and I agree and shake on it. I think you mean that you can’t be late today! laughs Morgan. He’s right. I can hardly believe we have to leave for school in a couple of hours.
rise and shine
It feels like I just closed my eyes. But Kate is already pounding on Morgan’s bedroom door. I look at my phone. It’s 8:00 a.m. Come on! Hurry up! Kate yells. The bell for first period is going to ring in five minutes! And we’re 20 minutes away. Fifteen if we make good time. I’m so tired and already can’t wait for the day to be over. Kate waits in the car while I brush my teeth, splash water on my face, and run a comb through my hair. Kate honks the car horn. Even Abby is ready to go, sitting in the passenger seat. I feel dizzy. I pull open the door, and climb in the back. The sun reflects off the snow and cars. Too bright, blazing through the windows. Head pounding. Ears ringing. I am spinning. And mad at myself for doing this to myself again. Next time I won’t go overboard.
captain kate
Are you okay to drive? I ask Kate, out of habit. Yeah, I feel fine, she says. She turns the key. The radio is blasting turned up too high from the night before. The car lurches forward. Hubcaps scrape the curb a little bit. She makes a quick three-point turn and takes off down the street. I bet I can catch a quick nap. I stretch out in the back seat using my backpack as a pillow. I put an arm over my eyes and drift off. !!! I wake to the sound of tires screeching and glass breaking.
I am spinning. I am spinning. I am spinning. And then what I remember is nothing. Because for the first time ever I black out.
out
I must be asleep. Or something. Time passes quickly but I move s l o w l y. I wander the halls of a strange apartment looking for Morgan. There is a locked door that I think he is behind. I hear laughter and whispers and I’m afraid to knock. Further down the hall I find Abby and Kate soaking in a bathtub full of ice. Abby says, Come in! Kate says, We lost the war.
when i come to
Bright lights above. Eyes swollen. Head in bandages. One arm in a cast. Too hot? Or too cold? I feel everything. I feel nothing. Kate? Abby? Mom says, They’re okay, honey. Dad says, Just rest.
what happened?
I remember very little. But am filled in on the details. Kate ran a red light. Causing another car to hit us. Abby broke her arm. Kate broke her nose. And lost her license. She won’t be able to drive again for a long, long time. And we all have to do community service. But it’s a s
mall price to pay. I’m the only one who was seriously injured. I don’t need anybody to tell me how lucky we are that nobody got killed. But they tell me anyway... You’re a lucky lady. At least you were wearing a seat belt. Lucky to be alive. Could have killed somebody. You’re smarter than this. I hope you learned something from this. Thank god nobody died. You could have died.
unspoken
Mom is more upset than angry. She doesn’t talk about what happened. Beyond her silence I hear the questions she’ll never ask. What was she thinking? How did I not see this coming? She’s a good kid. They’re all good kids. Straight As. She doesn’t drink. Does she? Were they doing drugs? They couldn’t be. Where could they even find drugs? Or alcohol, for that matter? Where were they all night? Who were they with? Boys? Men? She will never ask, but she will always wonder.
