Jeff remembered the look on Teddy’s face as the boy had looked back at him. The short, athletic adolescent might be just another hyperactive kid at first glance, but when you got a good look at his eyes, you started to understand him a bit better. Teddy had a clear head and was far less strung-out than Ray, his best buddy. Ray would jump at his own shadow, while Teddy struck Jeff as the type who would stay calm under pressure.
That was what made the look the teen had given him all the more disconcerting. Teddy had survived a lot over the past few weeks, and Jeff could only guess at the horrors he had experienced during that time. He was a seasoned warrior, regardless of how young and diminutive he was.
Jeff took a deep breath and let the air escape like a leaking tire between his teeth. He could feel an ache in every one of his bones and a tightening in his chest. Teddy’s look told him how terrified the boy was of what they were about to do.
As he moved to catch up to the others, Jeff whispered under his breath, “You and me both, kid. You and me both.”
Chapter 12
Jason slammed the door behind him and moved to the bed in the RV. He picked up the few books he had commandeered from the farmhouse at which he and the others had stayed a couple of nights before. They were the extent of his worldly possessions.
Staying in the RV with George and the others was no longer an option. Not when the three adults believed it was their right to run his life. He would ask to move in with Ben and the teenagers when they returned from their expedition.
The arguments over whether he was allowed to stay or go with the men had been humiliating. Jason had known George would act the way he had-pretending he was Jason’s father, making decisions about everything, even after the stoic man barely paid any attention to him while they were alone in that church for over a month.
Megan was more surprising, jumping into the argument, screaming like some maniac. She barely knew Jason and was already trying to act like she was in charge of things. Letting her comfort him after the nightmare he had the other morning was a huge mistake. That was when things had changed between them.
Even Jeff had chimed in during the argument, which Jason found hard to believe. The man hadn’t strung together more than ten words in a row to Jason since they’d met, so the young boy suspected he was just trying to impress Megan by being a badass and standing up to Michael. That was the only explanation for it.
At least Michael was cool. Everyone looked up to him, and it was easy to see why: He listened to what they said and didn’t treat anyone like a baby. Remembering when Michael shook his hand brought a smile to Jason’s face. It was funny; the one person with any real authority around this place was the only one not trying to boss him around.
Jason was still staring at his books and thinking about Michael when he heard the door open behind him. He had locked it, so when he saw Lydia walk in, he knew that she must have a key.
“What do you want?” he mumbled before turning back to his books in an attempt to appear nonchalant about her entrance.
Lydia didn’t answer. Not immediately, at least. Jason heard the floor squeak and knew the old woman was walking up to him. He climbed onto the bed and stared at the RV’s wall, hoping she would take the hint and leave.
Lydia kept moving closer, and Jason could feel her weight as she sat on the edge of the bed. He rolled his eyes. Of course she would not take the hint. She was just as bad as the rest of them. They all wanted to coddle and comfort him like a little baby. Getting him to say he was frightened was good. Seeing him shed some tears was even better. Then they would know for sure he was just a baby who did not understand what was really going on out there and needed to be sheltered. Jason clenched his teeth and crossed his arms. He stared at the curtains on one of the windows. He would give Lydia neither the fear nor the tears she was hoping for, and maybe then she would understand that he was a grown-up and not just another snot-nosed little kid.
“They really pissed you off, didn’t they?”
Jason wasn’t expecting that. He turned to look at Lydia. Remembering his newfound attitude, he turned back to the wall, but not before seeing that Lydia was not trying to touch him or comfort him. It seemed like every woman he met these days thought that all he needed was a little human contact, that a gentle touch would make all the pain go away. But Lydia was not even looking at him. She was staring at a wall instead, just like he had been.
He didn’t speak. He had no idea what to say. He suspected Lydia’s words were some kind of trap. He crossed his arms tighter around his body and tensed his shoulders. He was determined not to give her anything to work with.
“It would have pissed me off if they had treated me like that. I’ll tell you that for nothing.”
Jason shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to agree with her, but knew he shouldn’t. It’s a trick! Don’t listen to her; she’s trying to fool you.
“You must really hate those three right about now. I can’t say that I blame you. They must think they’re your parents or something.”
Jason continued to feel strange. He wanted to blurt out a demand for Lydia to stop using Jedi mind tricks on him.
“Jason, I have to tell you, I think it was very brave of you to volunteer to go out with the men. I think it shows great integrity to be willing to put yourself at risk for the benefit of others.”
Jason turned, his curiosity getting the better of him. Lydia glanced at him, and he turned back to face the wall again. She was just trying to butter him up. It ain’t going to happen, old lady. Not today!
Jason felt the springs in the bed move. He tensed, waiting for a hand to drop onto his shoulder or worse yet, on top of his head. That’s what adults did. They always tried to comfort you or encourage you, instead of treating you with any sort of respect.
When Jason heard Lydia in the bathroom instead, it threw him off. He turned around again, this time with his entire body. He switched positions on the bed so he was facing her direction and saw the gray-haired woman coming out of the bathroom about a minute later. She gave him a brief smile and remained standing across the room.
“Sorry. I had to use the ladies’, and I figured if I had asked you for permission, I might be waiting a while before you answered.” She winked at him. “My bladder’s too damn weak for that.”
She grabbed a chair away from the small dining table and dragged it closer to the bed. She set it down a few feet away and pointed at it.
“You mind?”
Jason realized he was shaking his head before he he’d given it any thought, and Lydia was already seated before he could think to say “no”, or anything else for that matter. Instead, he sat with his arms crossed, facing her. He let go of the breath he was holding and stared at Lydia.
“What do you want?”
This time, he did not mumble the query, but tried to put some force behind it. It still came out as a half-croak. His throat was dry, and he cleared it, embarrassed. He forced himself to keep eye contact with her. He was not going to let her get the best of him.
Lydia exposed her palms, holding them outward as she leaned back in her chair. “It’s okay, Jason. I’m not here to ride you or give you grief. I know you think I am, but I’m not.”
They stared at each other for a few seconds. Jason finally blinked and nodded slightly, but didn’t say a word. Lydia put her hands down and took the nod as an invitation to continue.
“I was just curious what your plans are now.”
“Huh?” He furrowed his brow at her and cocked his head to the side.
“Well, I’m guessing you don’t want to stay with them anymore.” She gestured with her hand, a casual flip as if dismissing George and the others with regal indifference. “So I was wondering if you had considered moving in with me and the children.”
Again, Lydia seemed to be reading Jason’s mind. She was at least doing a good job guessing what he was thinking. Just like Mom used to do.
He shifted on the bed before answering her. “Nah. I was t
hinking I would ask Ray and Teddy if I could stay in their RV.”
Lydia nodded and tapped her chin. “Hmm, that might not be a bad idea. Except… ”
“Except what?”
Jason leaned forward. He was forgetting his plans to play things cool. Lydia was treating him like an adult, just like Michael. No sign of wanting to reprimand him or tell him how to act. This was just a nice little chat between friends.
“Well, they just moved in with Ben, and he might not be willing to take on another person.”
She paused for a moment, still thinking. She leaned forward in an almost conspiratorial way. “You could ask Frank and Marcus if you could stay with them. I know they have plenty of room. You would be able to hang out with Michael’s two right-hand men and maybe even be put in charge of a few things.”
Jason’s body language told Lydia that she had struck a nerve. He looked uncomfortable as he leaned back against the wall. His arms were no longer crossed, but at his sides, where he picked nervously at the covers on the bed, bunching them up and twisting the material around before letting it go. He repeated the action as he tried to think of what to say. Lydia forced back a grin as she watched the boy squirm. Sorry, kiddo, but this is for your own good.
“I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I would rather… I would just rather ask Teddy and Ray-”
“Oh I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem for Frank or Marcus.” Lydia waved away the feeble protest. “Besides, Ben’s RV has three people in it now, along with all the stuff Ray and Teddy jammed in there.”
Now Lydia did grin, but she made sure it looked friendly.
“And Ben may appear to be a pretty even-tempered guy, but if you get on his bad side, he is definitely a bear to deal with.”
Jason thought about the huge man. The one who looked like he’d starred in one of those ESPN strongman competitions. Ben could probably throw a rope around one of the RVs and drag it behind him, just like the guys in the competitions did. Someone you would definitely want to avoid when he was in a bad mood.
“Okay. But I really don’t want to ask Marcus and Frank either.”
“Why not?”
Jason shifted again. His hands were going mad on the covers, pulling and twisting, twisting and pulling. He had to force himself to stop when his hands got trapped in the material.
“I just… I don’t know. I guess I feel a little uncomfortable around them.”
“Ahh.” Lydia nodded and smiled. Jason was feeling more awkward with the conversation, but Lydia was being nice, so he was still not sure what to do.
“Well, I am pretty sure the teenagers would say no if you asked them. Frank, on the other hand, would probably welcome you aboard. But-” She held her hand up, stopping him from repeating his protests. “We wouldn’t want to put you with someone who made you feel… awkward.”
Jason felt the panicked desire to turn and face the wall again. It would look stupid if he did, and he knew it, so instead he fixed his eyes on Lydia’s legs. He could not look at her face. He jumped when she slapped those very same legs and stood up.
“So what are we going to do?”
He glanced up at her face but was unable to meet her eyes for more than a second or two. He didn’t have an answer for her.
“I mean, you can’t stay here, right? You can’t move in with Michael and Cindy either.”
It was something he had not considered. Even bringing it up seemed odd. Michael and Cindy were like a married couple. Jason knew they weren’t, and even with his growing affection for Michael, he was less than enthusiastic about Cindy. Like everyone else, he was puzzled as to why the two of them were together. She was gross and scary. There was no chance he was going to ask Michael if he could stay with them.
He still didn’t have an answer for Lydia, so he shrugged instead.
“You’re welcome to stay with us.” She said it quietly. She sat back down in her chair and looked across at him. He nodded, defeated.
Lydia clapped and smiled. “Well then it’s settled. I know you’ll like it. The boys will be glad to hear you’re joining us.” She rose up and moved toward the door. She wrapped her hand around the knob and was about to walk out when she looked back at him.
“Well? Aren’t you coming?”
“I don’t want to go out there right now.” Jason glared holes through his books, concentrating hard on them as he studiously avoided Lydia’s gaze.
She turned and moved back into the bedroom. Jason had not felt relaxed since she walked in, but now he was feeling vulnerable as well. There was no more paranoia about her trying to trick him. No more fear about anything she might say. It was just a desire to have her leave without him. He did not want to face anyone outside the RV right now, even though he knew that the men had already left on their expedition.
Lydia plopped down on the bed next to Jason. It was uncomfortable, but at least she still wasn’t trying to touch him. She gave him a little bit of space, but her face was right there in front of him, staring him down.
“So you’re afraid to go out there, huh?”
He looked at her with anger in his eyes.
“I am NOT afraid! I’m just angry at everyone, and I don’t want to see any of them.”
She leaned in, invading his personal space just a little. She moved her hand over his, locking her bony fingers around it before he could react. He was surprised at how strong she was and that he could not wriggle free. She was not only strong, but also smart enough to expect his resistance. She squeezed his hand firmly and yanked on it until he looked up at her. This was not the gentle touch he had feared earlier. This was worse.
“Don’t bullshit me, Jason. Please? I am too damn old to be fooled by a young boy like you. Got it?”
He wanted to yell that he was no boy, but it died on his tongue. As much as he wanted to rebel against the word, he knew it was true that he was still a boy. Looking at her wizened old face made it impossible to argue that he had become a man because of his experiences of the past six weeks, ever since the world had fallen apart. It wasn’t like he was talking to Megan, who was twenty-five or something. Lydia was old.
He stared at her, not sure what to say. When Lydia smiled again, he relaxed slightly, but she did not let go of his hand. Jason wanted to tell her to, but was afraid to complain and even more afraid of trying to break free again. It felt like he was in a vice grip, and he knew he would look stupid if he struggled and lost to this grandmotherly woman.
She tilted her head until she caught his eyes again. The look was gentle, and even though he wanted to look elsewhere, her eyes compelled him to stay glued on her.
“It’s okay to be afraid. All right?”
He kept his mouth shut, but shook his head in denial. It was not okay! He had to be brave. He was afraid to show his face outside of the RV. He was a big chicken.
She squeezed his hand again. “I’m telling you it is okay to be afraid. I’m not here to argue with you; I’m telling you how things are in the real world.”
Jason stared at Lydia, disbelief etched on his face. Her eyes had narrowed, and she looked annoyed with him. “Trust someone who has been around the block a few times, okay? Being afraid is your body and brain telling you something… something you might not be able to figure out otherwise.”
Jason shook his head again and somehow found the words to offer up a retort.
“But Michael told me I was brave. He told me I needed to keep being brave because I have it in me to be a great leader someday, and all leaders need to be brave and sure of themselves.”
Lydia smiled at Jason. She grabbed up his other hand and pressed them together beneath her own. Jason no longer resisted her touch.
“I am sure that you will be a good leader someday, Jason. I have no doubt about that. But bravery isn’t the only quality a good leader needs.”
Jason felt stupid for what he had said. Of course courage was not the only thing required to be a leader. He knew that. He regrouped his thoughts and tried again.<
br />
“I know. But if I can’t even be brave enough to go outside the RV again and not be embarrassed about what happened earlier, none of that other stuff will ever matter.”
Lydia laughed. It was a hearty, rich laugh filled with warmth and comfort.
“Oh, Jason, my dear. You still have a lot to learn about being a leader and a lot to learn about what being brave really means.” She shook her head. “Don’t sweat it too much-you will have plenty of time to figure it all out, hopefully. Suffice it to say you are doing pretty well at such a young age.”
He looked at her and tried to return her smile, but it failed to form on his face.
“But it isn’t like I still have to graduate from high school or anything like that. There aren’t any more schools. There aren’t any more teachers to teach me anything. I need to learn for myself right now.”
Jason paused, and Lydia remained silent, waiting for more.
“That’s what makes me so mad about not being allowed to go out with the men. I need to be out there with them, learning how to be a man.” He stared at her. “I need to learn how to be brave.”
It felt good to say. It did not sound childish or stupid, and it certainly did not sound like he was pouting or whining. That was something he desperately wanted to avoid doing anymore. It was what he had done when he ran back to the RV instead of standing up for himself. He had run off to pout like a baby, and everyone probably had a good laugh when he did; in fact, he was certain they had. Everyone but Michael. He had probably been disappointed with Jason instead.
Lydia nodded, absorbing Jason’s words. He felt like he was redeeming himself in her eyes. He wanted to do the same with everyone else. Maybe even George. If only the man could see him as more than just a child.
“Jason, you are already very brave. It’s not something you can learn about. Bravery is doing what you have to in a tough situation, not acting foolishly so you can show everyone how tough you are. Bravery is putting others’ needs ahead of your own.” She leaned toward the boy. “Just like George did for you.”
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