by Shawna Logue
Bob stopped at the entrance, hovering slightly so I could hop out, before circling one more time and gliding past me into the cave. I followed slowly, the warm, moist air feeling sticky on my face. It was humid here; I had to peel off my puffy jacket as I walked. Despite having watched Bob fly in before me, it still took me a few minutes to reach him. The corridor was deceivingly long, and lit with an eerie orange glow. I couldn’t determine the light source; it seemed as though the rock itself was luminous.
As I walked, I felt the ground become unsteady below me. The smooth hard surface gradually turned into sand under my footsteps. I felt the sand pouring into my sneakers as I walked, slower now, trying to keep my balance as I rose gently into the cavern.
The cavern itself was huge. There was more than enough room for Bob to move around, and even fly around a little if he wanted to. The radiant amber light reflected off the sand, casting glittering dots all over the walls. The ground was entirely covered in the flaxen coloured crystals, which I could see were more like salt than sand. It looked grainy and coarse, but when I stumbled, and my hands reached out to brace myself, it felt soft and fine in my fingertips.
Bob chimed at my clumsiness, and instead of bothering to try to get back up, I merely sat up, brushing the golden flecks off me where I could.
Welcome to my home, he thought, and I could hear in his tone he was waiting for a reaction.
“It’s…” I searched for the right word, “massive.” I leaned back into the salt pile, and it formed to the curve of my back, creating a comfortable cushion below me. It was warm here, both in the air, and on the makeshift dune as well. Above me, the cavern stretched endlessly upward; I couldn’t see the ceiling.
What is it?
“This is not what I had expected at all,” I answered, suddenly feeling very small.
I felt his wordless questioning in my head, and I paused, wondering how best to answer. I figured I may as well be honest. Bob seemed to be rather intuitive when it came to reading my face.
“I just expected something a little more River Styx, and a little less sandbox,” I said, aware of the blush on my face but barely feeling it due to the humidity.
His responding laughter echoed in the cavern. I was fairly certain I heard bats screech above us, disturbed from the low, booming chimes. I liked when Bob laughed out loud. I often felt silly being the only one speaking. His laugh was more the result of gusts of air blowing through his ribcage, and it reminded me of a wooden xylophone.
He waited until the last echo of sound drifted into silence before beginning again. Alex, haven’t you been paying attention?
I felt my forehead crinkle with confusion. I thought I had. Bob was the Indonesian god of the Underworld: Ananta Boga. Wouldn’t that entail some sort of cold, dark place? This place was quite the opposite: glittering with light and warmth.
I have no more power than you, perhaps less, Alex, he continued. He seemed to recognize my thoughts, adding, The world is changing. The gods of my world, and of yours, have been forgotten. Our power has waned, Alex. There is no need for me to remain at the doors of the dead. No one ever comes. I heard his voice trickle off at the last part, the notes of sadness ringing in my mind.
“Oh,” was all I could respond with. I found it hard to believe that I could ever be more powerful than Bob. But I had heard Paul tell me a similar story a couple months earlier. It seemed wrong that something so beautiful, so powerful, could be so sad.
I’ve been very patient with you, Alex, Bob said, his voice feeling more authoritative now. But you must tell me what is wrong.
I sighed. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to whine and complain about how my life was falling apart, but I knew that despite all my problems, he had lost his entire reason for existing. How could I possibly complain now? What could I say to him?
I thought for a long time, composing both my answer, and my face. Finally, I said, “I’ve decided to give up magic.” My voice sounded much more confident than I felt.
I felt his emotions flare at my words, and I jumped with shock in response. I hadn’t expected this reaction.
How dare you? he shouted in my mind.
“What do you mean?” I stammered, scrambling backwards up the golden salt dune. Despite the fact the he had not moved from his spot nearly twenty feet away, it felt as though he was barely an inch from my face.
Alex, he growled, people like you are the reason I still exist. People who embrace magic. People who believe in it. People who use it. And you can have more talent in you than you could possibly imagine.
“I can’t exactly use it, and whenever I store it, someone gets hurt,” I said, my voice barely a squeak. “Usually me.”
He had calmed now, and I felt my body relax as my mind responded to his softer voice. You just need to learn.
I nodded, not sure if I was agreeing with him, or more wanting to end the conversation. I didn’t want to deal with this right now. I wanted to leave. Not that there was any way I could leave without Bob chauffeuring me away. On a whim, I faked a large yawn, stretching my hands dramatically above my head.
It worked.
You should sleep now, Alex.
Maybe it hadn’t worked as I had wanted. I was hoping he would use my tiredness as a reason to take me home. Instead it would appear I would be sleeping here. I looked around, searching for my bed. Bob watched me, but did not speak. Finally, seeing no other alternative, I dug into the soft bank. Surprisingly, it felt comfortable, like sleeping on a beach. Soon enough, I was dreaming.
In my dream, every person I had ever met at Mobius, as well as the elves, and several hundred other noticeably magical people stood in a large crowd before me. Bob was behind them all, as well as Morgan’s harpies.
I was standing on a platform, behind a clear, acrylic podium. As I started to speak, the dream shifted, turning from a third person perspective into first person, and I was watching the crowd through my own eyes. My speech was unintelligible at first, but the words grew clearer, finally ending on one final line:
“I will no longer accept magic in my life.”
A slow ripple of shock passed through the crowd. One by one, I watched as the crowd slowly blinked out of existence. As the strangers disappeared, I could feel myself smiling at their painful expressions. My dream self wanted this. She was glad.
Soon, only my closest friends remained, all protesting animatedly, but with no sound coming out. A few seconds later, they started disappearing too. With a loud crack, Bob disintegrated before my eyes, leaving a small pile of dust behind. The harpies screeched in pain and exploded, leaving a behind cloud of blood and feathers. Then Paul, eyes wide with fear, started to glow. He grew brighter and hotter until the stark white starlight blinded me. In the distance, I heard crystal shattering and tinkling to the ground. When my eyes refocused, he was gone.
Hester was particularly painful to watch, as she had to die nine times before she was completely destroyed. She struggled, howling at me as she switched uncontrollably from her human and feline forms. The hissing and spitting never stopped as she fought an invisible force ripping her to shreds. Once defeated, it was only a moment before she reappeared and it began again. Her claws tore at the air, fighting her invisible attacker. Finally, she was gone.
Morgan went without a fight. I assumed this was because she knew this would happen. She merely closed her eyes, and slowly faded out of existence.
Nic and Peri were next. Both were crying and pleading with me. On Peri, this didn’t seem too remarkable, perhaps because of her youthfulness, but Nic’s usually calm, wise face was contorted in deep pain. The tears streaming down his face barely masked that he was aging rapidly. Beside him, Peri aged too, and after a few minutes their bodies withered into nothingness.
Then there was just Connor. His face was smooth and calm, and when our eyes locked, I saw his eyes close softly. The sun glinted off a single tear trickling down his cheek. My dream self, who had been chuckling wildly up until now, stopped
abruptly. I felt her heart, my heart, shatter.
I was watching from above now as my dream self fell to her knees, pleading. I heard myself taking back everything I had said, but it was too late.
The air rippled, and Connor was gone.
The dream wasn’t over yet, and I watched in horror as the sky darkened. My dream self was still on her knees, pounding the ground. I realized what was happening and tried to shout at myself, but now I was only a spectator.
The streak of lightning that came down shattered through the air so quickly I almost missed it. The resounding crack followed instantly after, but I was already gone, and the scene was empty save for a small charred spot where I once stood.
When I woke up, I was sweating. My lungs gasped for air and my heart pounded like a jackhammer in my chest. My eyes refused to focus, and I realized I was trying to look through a steady stream of tears. Ignoring Bob’s anxious question in my head, I stumbled out to the entrance of the cave, sucking in the slightly cooler mountain air. After a few minutes, I calmed myself.
My dream had shown me two things. One, I couldn’t give up magic because I was magic. If I tried to ignore it, it would be just as Bob had explained. As people stop believing, the power wanes. I would wane. I would die.
The second thing was harder to swallow. I had felt myself react in the dream. I felt my heart break, and I felt the pain as I watched Connor get destroyed. Why did I still love him? I wanted to hate him. Inside my body I felt the strings that bound me to him slowly unravel, and I felt the wave of emotion I had forced myself to ignore yesterday.
I did not cry, though. I had a feeling I had no more tears left. Instead my body heaved and convulsed as I fought to forget. Bob’s thoughts tentatively touched my mind with worry and curiosity.
“You’re right, of course,” I finally managed. I wasn’t going to talk to him about Connor. I could tell him all about accepting magic, but the rest was my own battle. The rest was something I could only share with one person. One person would understand.
I ran back into the cavern, digging through my bag until I found my phone.
I winced as it powered up and jingled several times in succession as it notified me of voicemails. I erased the notification, not caring about what they said. I tried calling Maria, but a woman’s monotone robotic voice informed me that this was an international call, and I would need to include the country and area code.
Clapping the phone shut, I asked, “Bob, will you take me somewhere?”
He nodded, seemingly content with me now, and opened his mouth. I clambered in with my bag, explaining as best as I could where he needed to go. He didn’t seem to need the directions.
A few hours later we landed in the giant clearing. I had been worried he would crash through the invisible castle, but he seemed to soar through the space where I knew it to be with ease. My body protested with stiff aches as I climbed out, but I knew that I would have never gotten here on my own.
He did not seem concerned at the lack of activity in the clearing. Instead, his nose nudged me gently, and I reached both my arms as far around as I could.
“I’m so glad you found me,” I mumbled, feeling a bit sad to say goodbye so soon.
And I am glad you were there to be found, he thought, his voice warm. I could feel that somehow my decisions today had renewed his spirit, even if just a little.
After another minute of silent goodbye, he lifted his nose away from me and leaped up effortlessly. He climbed quickly, and was soon out of sight.
I wasn’t quite sure what to do next. I had thought that when Bob left, the castle would reappear. Maybe it stayed hidden due to some sort of defense mechanism? I certainly didn’t know the words Jack had spoken to make it appear. After several minutes of aimlessly circling, I started to feel afraid.
What if this wasn’t the place? Where was everyone? Why didn’t I come the way Jack had said? He had told me if I followed his directions, they would find me, not that I would find them.
I flipped my phone open again and called Maria, but that went straight to voicemail. Never one to leave a message, I snapped it shut before her outgoing speech finished.
As I shoved my phone back into my duffle bag, I saw the food I had packed the day before. It wasn’t much, just a few granola bars and some trail mix, but I was famished. Absentmindedly, I wandered to the cliff, sitting down on a patch of grass two feet from the edge.
As I ate, I listened to the waterfall on the other side of the canyon. Its roar was dull, as my mind was too far away to properly appreciate it, but it was loud enough to create much needed white noise.
I thought about why I came here, about Maria. She was getting everything she dreamed of, and more by marrying Justin. I had that all ripped away from me. She wouldn’t want to hear about my problems. Tears flowed silently down my cheeks; I didn’t bother to wipe them away. I lay back onto the grass and felt my body curl up involuntarily.
I barely noticed the sky cloud over. I knew rain was falling; first in light sprinkles before heavy drops began soaking me. I didn’t care. I was already too cold inside. Each raindrop sliced into me like a tiny dagger. After a while, I became numb to the slices, and the rain started to punch me. I was sure each drop was leaving a bruise as it pummelled my skin. Part of me wanted to unfold and fully feel the pressure of the water, but I had clenched for so long, I could hardly move.
It was dark before someone found me. I was aware of two firm arms scooping me up; my heart wrenched when I realized they weren’t Connor’s. I didn’t try to focus on the face. At this point, they could toss me off the cliff if they wanted and I wouldn’t feel it.
I vaguely remember being carried up to the same room I had stayed in only two days earlier. I also remember hearing Maria screech in the distance.
“Alex! What happened? What are you doing here?”
Jack’s soft reply was much closer, inches from my face. “I found her outside. She looks in rough shape. I’m not sure what happened.” He placed me on the bed, my body still frozen in the foetal position.
“I’ve got it,” I heard Maria whisper. I heard the door shut, and felt Maria’s warm hands sweeping my hair off my face. I heard her talking to me, but I couldn’t make sense of the words. After a minute of unresponsiveness, she gently pried my body apart. I didn’t fight her.
As though I was her doll, she undressed me and redressed me in unfamiliar clothes. They were linen, and felt warm, as though they had just come from the dryer. Her hand pulled out my tangled ponytail, and she combed out my wet hair before braiding it tightly behind me. It felt nice on my scalp as she tugged gently on my matted tresses.
I could slowly feel the warmth of the clothes and her hands seeping into my skin. My face hurt though; it was sticky and salty from tears. Maria could sense this, and gently washed my face with a hot cloth. I managed a weak smile as she pulled back the covers and nudged me in.
She didn’t leave though, and I hadn’t expected her to. Instead, exactly as I knew would happen, she climbed into the other side of the bed, propped herself on one elbow and looked at me intently.
“He hurt you, didn’t he?” she whispered.
“How did you…?” my voice felt unfamiliar, scratching dryly in my throat.
“I know that look you have, Alex. It’s the look I had after Mike left.” I shuddered, remembering her ex-boyfriend who had promised her the world, but also had made that promise to two other women at the same time.
“He’s married,” I choked.
She nodded, and I knew she was surprised at this, but she didn’t let it show on her face.
“I love him, Maria.”
“I know,” she sighed, placing a comforting palm against my cheek. I was grateful to have Maria in my life. She understood so much, and knew exactly what to say.
And also what not to say, for she didn’t ask any more questions. Instead, she rolled on to her back, adding, “I’ll always listen when you’re ready.”
“I know,” I murmure
d, closing my eyes.
It took another two hours before I fell asleep, and I knew Maria was awake the whole time, waiting for me to drift off.
Chapter Eleven
When I woke up, I could tell Maria was no longer beside me. My body felt feeble as I pulled myself up, struggling to make out the shadows in the dim morning light. It was still grey outside, not early enough for the sun to stream through the window yet. My throat hurt, and I was grateful that Maria had left a glass of water on the small bedside table. Draped over the end of the bed were my clothes; they appeared to be clean and pressed. That was fast, I thought to myself as I wearily got dressed.
Surely it was too early to go get breakfast, right? Was I supposed to make myself comfortable? I hadn’t exactly been invited. But I also wasn’t prepared to be alone with my thoughts yet.
“Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were awake!” The voice, though familiar now, made me jump. Jack had come in while I was debating with myself. “I just wanted to check on you,” he added, seemingly flustered. “I’ll go.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said, not wanting him to feel awkward.
He paused in the doorframe, searching my face for something. He opened his mouth several times to speak, each time hesitating. Finally, he said, “You look better, Alex.”
It wasn’t a question, but I could hear that he was uncertain with his statement. I sighed, not really knowing how to respond to him. I knew I still held on to things that tore me apart, and I didn’t want to think about them. I turned, moving to sit on the end of the bed, bracing myself in case I couldn’t keep it together.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, picking up on my desire to change the subject. Before I could blink, he disappeared, only to reappear a few seconds later beside me, holding a tray of bread and fruit.
