Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  “What kinds of things do you want to know about your father?”

  “I don’t really want to know anything.”

  “Why do you think that is?” She asked me like she already knew the answer.

  “I had John. He’s the only father I care to know.”

  And there it was. The truth that had been staring me in the face, yet I hadn’t realized it until at that very second. It was the reason I didn’t care to know anything about my father. I wanted to know about my mother, I never had one. But I did have a dad. One that tweaked a can of chicken noodle soup to make it taste homemade when I was little and sick. One that sat through endless recitals of me singing and dancing to made-up songs in the living room while he pretended to video tape them all. He even took pictures of me in my homemade costumes and gave me trophies for coming in first place. Of course, there weren’t any other singers or dancers so I always got first place, and the trophies weren’t actual trophies, they were just things he found around the house. During Halloween, we’d all dress up and go around the house, knocking on bedroom doors, pretending they were real houses while Billy answered every door, putting cheap candy in my pillowcase. That was a dad. Not the bastard that got behind the wheel after countless drinks, and who knows what else, with me in the backseat. He was a nobody to me and would always be a nobody.

  “With that logic, couldn’t your baby be raised here with your friend and never feel the need to know his or her biological father? If your baby had a dad in its life? One that loved and cared for it? Wouldn’t that be the same thing?”

  “I guess so. Except I don’t feel that way for Link. That’s what’s holding me back.”

  “Does he feel that way for you?”

  I thought back to our argument about sex. If he cared about me in that way, would he go and get sex somewhere else? I guess he might if he didn’t think we had a shot. If I had pushed him away enough, he might.

  “I don’t know. Sometimes I think he could, but others not so much.”

  “Do you want to know what I think?” she asked. I nodded, waiting for her to continue. “I think your relationship with Link is being held back by your relationship with Billy—a relationship he’s admitted to not wanting any part of. Your inability to let him go will ultimately hinder any relationship you might forge in the future.”

  “But what if he changes his mind?”

  “He very well might. He very well might not. You don’t know. And you won’t know until it happens. So do you plan on sitting there and waiting for something that might not ever happen while watching all of the possible good things just float on by? Or are you going to live the life you’ve been afforded and let things happen as they will?”

  “But what happens if I do start a relationship with Link and Billy comes back?”

  “I hate this phrase but, cross that bridge when you get to it.”

  “It would crush Link if I left him like that.”

  “How do you know that’s how it will happen? You’ve only been in one relationship. You just might learn something about yourself if you open yourself up for more possibilities. Holding yourself back won’t do you or anyone else any good. Especially that baby.”

  I loved and hated her logic. I loved it because she pointed out things I had never once thought of. It all made sense. But at the same time, I hated it because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to tell me I was doing the right thing. I guess it was time I grew up and realized I didn’t know everything. If she would have told me that two months earlier, I would’ve screamed at her and told her off. But now I could see her logic. I felt like I was looking at things for the first time with my eyes wide open.

  Link was quiet around me for the entire day. He didn’t ignore me, but it was almost like he didn’t know how to act around me. I hated it. I wanted the fun and outgoing friend I had just the day before. The one I had before I ruined it by talking about things that weren’t important. I was scared that he was gone and in his place, a distant and uncomfortable person. I already had one man in my life change into someone I no longer recognized, I didn’t want another. I feared I had pushed away the only one left that cared about me at all.

  I made dinner and we ate together. He didn’t say much except to answer my questions about his day. I hated it. I hated not talking to him the way we used to and I wanted to say something about it, but was too scared to start another argument. I tried to act like myself, hoping he’d catch on that everything was fine, but it didn’t seem to work. Maybe I wasn’t very convincing, because I couldn’t even convince myself. Everything wasn’t fine, and I wasn’t myself.

  “Did you want to take your shower before I get in the bathtub? I don’t know how long I’ll be in there and don’t want to hold you up if you’re almost ready for bed.” He was sitting on the couch playing a video game when I came out of the kitchen from cleaning the dishes.

  “Sure,” he said, shutting off the TV and walking past me.

  I crawled on top of the bed and cried, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom. I thought about what Joanne told me. About her opinion and what I should be doing. I wanted to do that, I wanted to open myself up for better things. But how could I do that when Link seemed so closed off? And he was closed off because of me.

  I hated who I had become. I used to be such a strong person. One that spoke her mind and defended her opinions. This girl wasn’t me. She was sad and weak, crying in a dark room all alone. Maybe this was Danielle. Maybe the strong version of me was Kendall. I either needed to find Kendall and bring her back or be okay with being Danielle. I thought about just running away and being someone different. Last time I left I ended up being Kendall Carrington, and that was a blessing in disguise. Maybe if I did it again I could do the same. But that meant I’d have to be kidnapped, and who would want to kidnap a pregnant seventeen-year-old? I felt like the pregnant puppy at the shelter, the one no one wanted.

  Link finally came into the room. “It’s all yours,” he said, rummaging through his drawers.

  I quickly wiped my tear stained face before he could see and silently walked past him to the bathroom. I was immediately stopped cold in my tracks and the tears returned with a vengeance. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Bubbles filled the tub while candles burned in the corners. The flames flickered off the tiles behind them and lit the room in a soft glow.

  “You need to relax. Stress isn’t good for the baby,” I heard Link say from behind me.

  “You’re not mad at me?” I turned and asked, my voice barely coming out.

  He furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me before shaking his head. Without speaking, he walked back into the room with his towel slung low on his hips. I got a good view of his back. His strong shoulders flexed as he walked and I suddenly felt a tightness between my legs. I shook my head, blaming the hormones, and the fact that I hadn’t been touched by anyone in over a month. If I decided to wait until I made it back to Billy, it would be a very long wait.

  I slipped into the warm water and thought. I thought about everything. Most of all, I thought about Link. I knew I wanted him in my life, but I didn’t know to what extent. The last thing I wanted to do was to keep him as a placeholder for Billy. That wouldn’t be fair to him, and I knew I cared enough about him to not do that. And how would I even know if he felt anything for me? I doubted I could just come out and ask him, we didn’t need any more awkwardness in our friendship. Pretending I was carrying his child and living together was enough.

  I thought about how he said I could come back with the baby if I needed to. He was willing to still be there for me if Billy didn’t want us. That had to mean he felt something. Unless he was just a really nice guy, which he was. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. But I felt I needed to know something before deciding how to live my life. I was going to take Joanne’s advice, but I knew I had to do it with caution.

  Link was on the couch when I emerged from the bathroom. “Are you coming to bed?”

/>   He looked at me, and it was with a look I had never seen on him before. I didn’t know what it meant. He almost looked sad, yet desperate and lustful all at the same time. I wondered if my own emotions were bleeding from my face the same way, and how he interpreted them.

  “Do you want me to?”

  I nodded and waited for him to follow me to our room.

  His back was turned to me once we were under the covers. It made me feel like he was shutting me out, which he very well might have been doing. My chest was tight and I felt like I was once again on the verge of tears. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I wanted to tell him my feelings, along with my fears. But the words wouldn’t come out. I knew if I had tried to talk, it would come out in some horrible frog-like sound. I just laid there, facing his back and staring at his strong frame in the dark.

  “You clearly want to say something, so just go ahead and say it,” he said. Half his face was in the pillow so it came out somewhat muffled, but I still knew what he said. All I could do was take in a deep breath and hope it calmed my nerves. It didn’t. The only thing that finally calmed me down was when he turned over to face me.

  I could barely see his features in the dark, but the moonlight from the window allowed me to see enough. I could see his eyes were open and he was looking at me. Even if I couldn’t have seen it, I would have felt it. I reached over and touched his face, laying my hand on his jaw and feeling the stubble on my palm.

  He didn’t move the entire time my hand grazed his cheek. I’m not even sure he blinked. I did, however, hear his breathing stop. It did something to me—something inside. It somehow gave me strength and courage. It gave me the ability to speak.

  “What if I don’t leave?” I sounded frightened even to my own ears. And I was. I was scared of what he’d say. I was scared of his rejection. And those fears scared me. Even with Billy, I hadn’t had those fearful feelings. I was never scared of his rejection, or his answers to my questions. Yes, I did feel fear with him, but not like the fear I felt with Link. This fear was deep in my bones. Maybe it was because I really knew Billy. I had grown up with him. We had a connection unlike any other, and that would have been enough to calm my worry. But with Link, I didn’t know him enough to know how he’d react to things. And that was scary in and of itself.

  It took him a few seconds to speak, but in that moment, those few seconds felt like an eternity. Like time was practically standing still. He reached out and grabbed my wrist, keeping it from moving too far away.

  “What do you mean?” His words came out breathy and desperate.

  “If I decided not to leave but to stay here, what would happen?”

  “What do you want to happen?”

  I didn’t expect him to turn the question around on me, but I could understand why he did. My question was rather loaded and put a lot of pressure on him, but I guess I thought it also admitted how I was feeling without having to say it. I didn’t get away that easily.

  “I don’t know. I don’t really know how you feel.”

  “How do you feel?” His questions were really starting to irritate me.

  “Please don’t make me say it.”

  “I need you to. I need to hear it from you. All I’ve heard from you is how you’re in love with him, and how you’re gonna leave in December. What’s changed? Why are you asking me this now? Have you changed your mind?” He sounded even more desperate as he moved his body closer to mine.

  I licked my lips and I heard his breath hitch. I wondered how much of me he could see in the dim light from the window. “I talked to Dr. Montage today. She kind of helped me see some things I hadn’t thought of before. And I think I finally have my eyes open now.”

  “And what do you see?”

  “You.” I was so scared to say that, but I spoke before I gave myself the opportunity to chicken out. After I had said it, my heart stopped beating, my lungs stopped filling with air, and my throat closed. I no longer wanted to hear his response. I was too scared to.

  “What’s stopping you?”

  “This baby. It’s not yours.”

  “Why would that stop you?”

  “Who would raise a child that’s not theirs?”

  “John,” he answered without a second’s thought.

  I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t know how to. I knew better than anyone that someone with no blood relation could care for you better than the ones that brought you into this world. I just didn’t want to make that decision for him.

  “But you’re not John. John took me from a bad situation. No one pushed me on him. No one cornered him into taking me on. It was completely his decision. You wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t told Jeri it was your kid.”

  “Yes I would. The only difference is everyone would know that baby wasn’t mine. But it wouldn’t change where I’d be.”

  “What are you trying to say?” I asked.

  “Don’t leave me,” he said with his lips so close to mine I could feel his breath on me.

  I closed the gap between us until our lips were lightly touching. I kept them there for a moment, giving Link an opportunity to back away if he wanted. He didn’t. Instead, he pushed his into mine harder, then separated my lips with his tongue. It was gentle yet hungry at the same time. It was passionate and full of emotion. I wasn’t sure what the emotions were, but I felt it all.

  My hands found their way under his t-shirt and he backed away, breathing heavily into the still air. The room seemed quieter than before, and it made me realize something had shifted between us. It made me grow self-conscious.

  “We have to slow down,” he said as he fell onto his back and began to rub his face with his hands.

  “Why?”

  “I can’t do this with you yet. Last night you were talking to me about how you’re going back to him in a few months, and tonight you want to stay? What will it be tomorrow?”

  I had to bite my tongue to keep from arguing with him. I was able to rationalize with myself that he did have a valid point. I was being wishy-washy. I couldn’t exactly blame him for being skeptical of my recently changed decision. I would just have to prove it to him.

  “Last night I was confused. But I’m not anymore. I want to be here. I can prove it to you, but I need you to prove something to me first. Because I won’t allow myself to be hopeful of things between us if I don’t know where you stand. I need to know where you stand with me. With this baby. I can’t be the only one proving anything.”

  “And you think by having sex, that’ll be proof of my feelings?”

  “No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Then how do you want me to prove it to you? I don’t know what you want from me.”

  I wasn’t making sense. I hadn’t made sense in a long time. I didn’t even know what sense was anymore. All I knew was that Link made me feel unstable, yet sane all at once. Happy and sad, mixed with excitement and fear. He made me feel hopeful, but at the same time, fearful of the fallout of so much hope. He had already done so much proving to me already, and I felt selfish for asking for more. He was taking on the responsibility of a child that wasn’t his. He lied to his family. All for me. Yet, something inside of me was terrified it would all fall apart.

  “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “I don’t even know how I could prove anything to you, but I just feel like both of us need proof. Proof that I won’t leave. Proof that you don’t want me to leave. Proof that this could be real. How do we prove that?”

  Link leaned forward again and I felt his lips on mine. He was slow and took his time showing me something. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew he was trying to tell me something. I kissed him back, like I had never kissed anyone before. Not even Billy.

  He broke the kiss and looked me right in the eyes. Even in the darkness of the room, I knew he was looking right at me. I could feel it. “I don’t know what love is, I’ve never been in love before. I’ve never even thought I was in love before. But this… I don’t know what this is. All I
know is that ever since I met you, I haven’t wanted to be apart from you once.” His voice was rough and heady. He sounded desperate and scared. I touched his face, wanting him to continue. “In a matter of days you became my best friend. Someone I looked forward to hanging out with. Someone I looked forward to seeing. I haven’t gone out with any of my old friends since the night you showed up on the golf course and made me share my weed with you. You made me want to share everything with you. So maybe along with proving things to each other, we need to prove our feelings to ourselves first.”

  This time, I pulled his face to mine. My arms wrapped around his neck as I pulled him impossibly closer. I pulled until he was lying on my chest with one leg between mine. I needed to feel him on me—in me. I needed to be with him. The need was unlike any need I had ever felt before.

  I thought he was going to give in, but he must have found his senses because he backed away. I could tell by his movements that he really didn’t want to, but forced himself off of me. I felt naked without him on top of me. My body felt strangely cold in his absence.

  “We can’t do this, Kendall.”

  For some reason, the name Kendall no longer felt right. Maybe it didn’t feel right because I no longer felt like her. I was no longer the strong girl. I was lost and confused. I was scared and empty. Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I worried I might never know who I truly was. I worried I would be lost and alone forever. Then the fear subsided a little as I realized I wasn’t lost or alone. I was found. Link found me. I still wasn’t sure what girl he found, but I knew I was her.

  “Please, Link,” I begged. Kendall wouldn’t have begged. She would have just taken it. But I was begging. It was the only thing I could do. “Your lips make me want to cry and orgasm at the same time. And I don’t want to cry.”

  I heard him grunt into the still air around us.

  “I’m flooded with hormones, Link. I need something.”

  I felt his lips on my neck and I thought he had given in. “I don’t want to be with you because you’re hormonal and horny. I want to be with you because it’s right and it’s what you really want.” I heard his words, but I also felt his lips and tongue on my skin, making a line to my collarbone. They were contradicting each other.