Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  I had never felt that way before. Never had I felt so insecure yet wanted at the same time. Insecurity was never a feeling I felt with Billy. But with Link, it reverberated through me and took over. It ripped through me from the inside out, murdering the person I used to be. Leaving her for dead and awakening someone new. Someone confused and scared. I wasn’t used to feeling scared. I wasn’t used to wanting to hide myself from someone else. But lying naked beneath Link made me want to do just that.

  The sun poured in from the window and highlighted my every curve. My every blemish and my every fear. I was terrified he’d see it all, and I wanted to cower away to the darkness from where I had come from.

  Along with those unrestrained insecurities, Link also made me feel alive. He made me feel as if I was living under the sun, amongst the living, unlike before. Reflecting on where I had come from, it seemed so dark and cold. My happiness that I once thought was real felt like a mask. It felt like a picture I was supposed to see—a picture everyone was supposed to see. But feeling Link, seeing the way he was looking at me, the way he had always looked at me from day one, I knew my past was all a lie. Nothing this powerful or this overwhelming could’ve been fraudulent.

  “Oh my God, you’re so beautiful,” he whispered, and it was so light I thought I had misunderstood him. He repeated “so beautiful” again as his mouth found mine. Covering his words onto my lips with his, sealing them there forever. I felt a warmth rush through me, overtaking my entire being. If I hadn’t already known, I knew it right then and there. I was making the right decision by staying with Link. By turning the page—no… by starting a whole new book.

  Just as he began to grind his pelvis into mine, spreading a fierce tingle throughout me that started in the apex of my thighs, the doorbell rang. We froze in each other’s arms, as if doubting what we heard. Then it rang again. He let out a ragged breath and began to move from me.

  “Just ignore it. They’ll leave,” I begged. I didn’t want him to stop.

  “If it’s my parents they’ll just use their key.”

  I released my hold from around his neck and let him up. He adjusted his pants, trying his best to hide his erection. It was useless. The front of his jeans bulged and a clear outline of a hard-on was visible on his left thigh. I hadn’t seen him fully naked yet, but that was enough to make me want to turn away whoever was at the door and rip the rest of his clothes off. He threw my shirt and bra on the bed next to me and headed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

  Once I was dressed, I went out to see who had interrupted us. I wasn’t too pleased and had to try to calm my agitation before greeting our guest. I knew it had to be family, since they were the only ones that knew we were there. Not to mention, you had to go to the backside of Link’s parents’ house to get there.

  I found Jeri sitting on the couch, looking very uncomfortable.

  “Hey. Is everything okay?” My irritation vanished as soon as I saw the worry on her face.

  I watched as she tried to pull it together. “Oh yes. I just came by to see how you two are adjusting here. It’s a beautiful day, why don’t you guys go out? Maybe go play mini golf or go to the pool at the clubhouse.”

  Something was up. I just didn’t know what it was. Instead of questioning her, I agreed that Link and I should get out of the house. If we didn’t, we’d end up right where we were when Jeri rang the doorbell. And after a moment of clarity, I realized I wasn’t sure if I was up for that just yet.

  Link went back to the room to finish getting dressed. He thought mini golf sounded like fun. I’m sure his decision had something to do with not exactly wanting to be half naked again. I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to be half naked around him quite yet either.

  “I don’t know how I feel about you two living here alone together.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I was confused and completely caught off guard.

  “I know you two are having a baby together, and there’s nothing that can be done about that now. But I just think that you’re too young to be living with a boy. You should be learning a lesson, not thinking it’s okay. It’s the middle of the day and I come in here and he’s not wearing a shirt and you came out of the room looking all flustered. I just think it’s a bad idea.”

  “It’s not like I can get even more pregnant.”

  “I know that. But I don’t want you to think that having sex at your age is okay.”

  I blinked my eyes and looked around the room, trying to pull some kind of sense out of the air. She wasn’t making much of it, and I didn’t think I had enough patience to figure it out. “I never said it was okay. But it’s either we live here together so that we can raise the baby together—so that my baby has both a mother and father under the same roof—or, we live separately and I pretty much do it on my own.”

  “You wouldn’t be on your own. I’d be there to help.”

  My heart broke for her. I could see what she was doing. She was hoping that she’d be able to redeem herself with this baby. That she’d be able to redeem herself with me. She wasn’t able to save my mom or me. But I could see in her eyes she wanted to save us.

  “I am not my mother, and Link certainly is not my father. I understand your worry. But it’s unwarranted. I made a hasty and impulsive decision when it came to this baby. I’m trying to make a mature and rational decision about it now.” I didn’t lie. I was very careful with my words. I had done enough lying and didn’t care to do any more if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.

  “You two aren’t getting married, are you?”

  “No. At least not any time soon. There are no plans, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “I just think you’re too young.”

  I reached out and grabbed her by her hand, holding her smooth skin in mine. “I may be seventeen, but I’ve lived more than any seventeen-year-old there is. I’ve been through more than I ever should have, no matter the age. And I think I’ve done pretty well. So please, stop looking at me with a number attached. Look at me for who I am—Danielle Tucker.”

  She gasped. I had to think about what I had said to cause that reaction. But it didn’t take long before I heard my own words ringing in my ear. They bounced around, getting louder and louder. Did I really just say that? I don’t even remember saying it.

  “What I mean is… I’m here now, right? I guess it’s time to stop pretending I’m someone else.” My voice was shaky, like it wasn’t mine. I felt pinpricks behind my eyes. Fuck. I didn’t want to be emotional. I was so tired of it.

  “I’ll call you whatever you want me to, sweetheart.”

  There was no holding it in. No turning it off. Hell, I didn’t even have the strength to stand up and walk away. I folded into myself, feeling dainty arms around me as I cried silently. The only clue that I was even crying was my bouncing shoulders. She got me. She knew me, even after trying to keep her at a distance. And that broke me even more.

  “I want to be her. I want to be Danielle,” I spoke past the lump in my throat. What I meant was, I didn’t want to be Kendall Carrington anymore. I wasn’t sure who Danielle was, other than an emotional wreck that couldn’t find a set of balls big enough to even defend herself, but it was who I wanted to be. I could teach myself to be stronger. To find my strength. To be all of the good characteristics of Kendall without all of the bad. I could do that. And I would. Starting at that moment. Looking into the clear eyes of my grandmother. My grandmother.

  Our first week in the new house was a tense but happy week. After we had gone miniature golfing, Link took me out to dinner. We had a lot to talk about. Such as sex. It was a rather uncomfortable conversation, which took much longer than necessary to get through, but we had come to some understandings.

  As much as I thought I wanted it, he made me see that I just wasn’t ready. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to take that next step with him. But he told me that until I could stand in front of him naked in the daylight, I wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to take
me in the darkness where secrets were kept. I understood what he was trying to say, but my life had been filled with secrets. I didn’t know what was considered a secret and what wasn’t anymore.

  At night, we had kept to opposite sides of the bed, often not going to sleep at the same time to avoid any more close-calls. We were just trying to get to know each other on a more personal level before becoming intimate. We spent a lot of time talking about things, mostly unimportant things, but they helped us get an idea of who the other person was. I really enjoyed my time with Link, hearing about his stories of school and the innocent troubles he used to cause. I didn’t have much to tell him without mentioning Billy, so I talked a lot about John and photography.

  By the second week, Link had a job. He was working at a local cabinetry place that installed custom made cabinets. He spent his days learning the work and assisting the other guys at the shop. He’d come home excited about what he had learned, and couldn’t wait to tell me all about it. I loved hearing him talk so passionately about something. Every night, he’d come through the door, looking like a kid that had just come back from Disney World. He’d talk to me while I made dinner and then we’d eat together while he listened about my day.

  That never happened with Billy much. He never really got excited about too much. We would talk over dinner, but he never showed the kind of excitement that Link had. Nor did he listen to my stories as intently as Link, either. That in itself was enough to prove how vastly different the two were. I definitely had moments where I still felt torn between two guys, but in the end, I knew where I belonged. I knew where my heart belonged.

  I had also received my GED test scores. I had been expecting passing grades, but I wasn’t prepared for the scores I received as I opened the envelope. I was sitting in Jeri’s kitchen at the end of the week. She was anxiously sitting next to me, waiting for me to read the results. Not only did I pass, but I had near-perfect scores. When I handed her the paper, she practically jumped from the chair and screamed. I hadn’t been prepared for her reaction either.

  She called everyone, telling them how smart I was. I wasn’t used to that kind of attention. John had been proud of me, but since I was never tested on anything when I lived with him, I’m not sure just how smart he knew I was. Hell, I hadn’t even truly realized until the results came back. I guess I was in shock. That was the best way to describe it.

  Jeri immediately made an appointment for me to take the last two tests. That was when I became nervous. Not nervous that I wouldn’t pass, but nervous I wouldn’t do as well, and then the high of this would all fade away. I wasn’t exactly sure what it all meant, but I knew it meant there were more opportunities in my future than I was previously aware of. I told Jeri and Link that I didn’t want to make any decisions about college until all of my scores were back. I still had time to think things over.

  I had a doctor’s appointment for the baby that afternoon, and specifically scheduled it for Link’s break. But he called Jeri and told her to take me instead. I hadn’t thought too much about it at the time, thinking he was just too busy at work to leave in time for the appointment and didn’t want to let me down if he didn’t show. So, even though I was a little upset that he wasn’t there, I went with Jeri.

  I got home a little bit before Link had, and I couldn’t wait to tell him all about my day. Not only did I get to tell him about my test scores, but I was looking forward to telling him how I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I made the doctor keep the machine on for an extra minute so I could hear it longer. I couldn’t find my phone before I left so I had nothing to record that amazing sound on. I wanted to have it so Link could at least hear it after work.

  I folded the clothes from the dryer and had just finished putting them away when he came home. He took one look at me and shook his head, letting out a stream of air through his teeth. It was so unlike him that I didn’t know how to handle it.

  Before I could even ask him what was wrong, he was already in the room with the door closed. I had gotten so used to him walking through the door with a smile that reached his beautiful eyes, but not that day. The smile was missing and his eyes were blank, emotionless. I hated seeing him like that.

  I waited for him to come back out. While he was closed off behind the door, I finished cleaning up the house, putting things away where they belonged. I tried opening the door, but it was locked. He never locked the door, so I knew something was wrong. Part of me wanted to knock and ask him what I could do to make it better for him—whatever it was—but another part was so terrified that he’d reject me. The fear won and I went back to the kitchen and began heating up the leftovers for dinner.

  When he finally emerged from the room, I waited for him to speak. He was still wearing the same clothes he had on from work, including his shoes. I didn’t know what he had been doing in the room for nearly half an hour, but again, I was too scared to ask. I could only stand there and wait.

  He finally crinkled his nose, which would have looked cute had he not also been scowling. “Why does the kitchen smell like vinegar?” he asked with a disgusted tone.

  “I mopped the floors.” I sounded unsure, even though I was sure that’s what I had done.

  “Why? Did you spill a bottle of vinegar?”

  I was slightly confused as to what he was asking. “No. I used vinegar to clean the floors.”

  He looked at me like I had two heads, still with a look of disgust on his face. “Why the hell would you do that? You do know they make floor cleaner, right? All different kinds that smell nice. Why wouldn’t you use any of that?”

  Before I could say anything, the microwave began beeping at me, letting me know the bowl of rice had been reheated. I closed my gaping mouth and went to remove the food. I heard Link come up to the side of me, next to the sink.

  “What the hell is in here?” he asked again.

  I turned to see what he was talking about and saw the dirt particles lining the sink basin. “Oh, I forgot to rinse that out. Here, let me do that.” I was trying not to cry. I didn’t know why his attitude had changed so quickly, but it scared me. I started thinking of anything I could’ve done wrong, but couldn’t come up with anything.

  “But what is it?”

  “Dirt from the floor.”

  “Why is it in the sink?”

  “From the sponge when I rinsed it out. It’s fine. I’ll just clean it out.”

  He gave me a look that said he thought I was dirty. I didn’t know why he was looking at me like that. I hated it. I wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words. I didn’t know what to say because I had no clue what was going on. He left for work that morning as happy as any other day, kissing me before he left. Between that time and him coming home, something had happened. It had to have been something at work, but I didn’t know why he was taking it out on me. It made me think of Billy all over again. About the dream I had two weeks earlier, and I hated the comparison.

  “Along with floor cleaner, they also make buckets. It’s what normal people use when cleaning floors. I don’t know where the fuck you’re from, but here on planet earth, we use mops, not sponges, in buckets, not sinks, with cleaner, not vinegar. And since we’re on the topic of everything you don’t seem to understand. We also use fabric softener in the washing machine and dryer sheets in the dryer. The glass cleaner is meant to be used on glass, hence why it’s called glass cleaner, not sink cleaner or counter cleaner. Maybe you should just go back to wherever it is you came from because—”

  “Fuck you!” I interrupted him with a slap across his cheek. It wasn’t hard, but it was enough to get him to stop insulting me. I no longer wanted to cry. Instead, I felt the anger rise in my chest with every word he spoke. “We only know what we were taught growing up. And growing up, we used vinegar on the floors, and the same cleaner to clean everything because John didn’t have a lot of money to buy seventeen different cleaners. He worked his ass off to make sure we were taken care of, that we had everything we need
ed. What our floors smelled like, or how soft our clothes were, or whether or not we were cleaning the counters with fucking glass cleaner wasn’t important. Because guess what, Link? It’s not fucking important!”

  He stared at me in silence for many long seconds. His face was red and he was taking in deep breaths through his nose. I knew he was angered, but I didn’t care. He didn’t seem to care that he had upset me. That he had insulted me. So I didn’t care that I made him a little mad. I’m sure that wasn’t a healthy way to look at it, but I didn’t know anything else. That’s what I was used to.

  “Don’t you ever lay your hands on me again. Do you understand me?” His words were spoken with brief pauses between each syllable and his voice was low but quiet. I almost felt threatened, but I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. I couldn’t explain how I knew, I just did. “You may be used to physical abuse, but I’m not. And I won’t stand for it.”

  “I just needed you to stop talking,” I tried to defend my actions. It was a lame excuse, but it was all I had. And it was the truth. I didn’t mean any harm to him. I wasn’t out to hurt him physically. I just wanted him to stop.

  “I don’t care if there was a fly on my face that you were trying to swat away. We were in the middle of an argument and you raised your hand at me. I would never do that to you and I expect the same respect back.” He paused, letting out a quiet laugh, almost to himself. “Although, I don’t know why I should expect any respect from you,” he said, almost under his breath.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  I watched as he shook his head and turned away from me. Without a word, he locked himself in the bedroom again. My head was spinning. I had no idea where any of that had come from. I didn’t know why his attitude had changed so drastically, nor did I understand why he felt so much anger toward me.