by Leddy Harper
“Unless he thinks I’m just going to leave Lincoln.”
“Are you?”
“No. I’ll never leave him.”
She smiled and then hugged me. “Come by sometime, even if you don’t have questions about your mom. It’s good to see and hear from you.”
We said our goodbyes and I was on my way. Jeri was waiting for me in the parking lot, probably watching my conversation, but she didn’t say anything about it once I got back in the car. I drove to the store but had no desire to drive home. I needed some time to process things, and knew it would be safer if I got lost in my head in the passenger seat.
I told Shannon that I’d never leave Link, and I had no intentions of it. But, I had started to doubt how real it all was. I had fallen for him because of the immense support he had always shown me, but the night before, when I told him about my conversation with Jack, he seemed very dismissive about it. I didn’t like that. I felt as if he wasn’t in my corner anymore. Not to mention, how he had been so busy with school and work, it was like he wasn’t there for me at all anymore. It was starting to eat at me.
I didn’t like how that made me feel. I didn’t like questioning my relationship with him. But I had started questioning my relationship with everyone. I began thinking Jeri saw me as Corinne’s replacement. Jack saw me as his little sister that he liked to treat like shit but claimed he loved. Billy apparently saw me as replaceable and Link viewed me as a placeholder. A pseudo-wife. His co-star in our own play about a happy couple. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed something to do with myself before I went crazy. I needed to hurry up and take my last tests and get the results so I could do something.
The idea of going to college and finding a job excited me. I had never given much thought into it before. I was always happy playing the wife and the homemaker, but I wasn’t anymore. I was ready to be someone. Do something.
The days weren’t going by fast enough.
Once Link got home that night, I expected him to jump straight on the computer. But he didn’t. Instead, he came up to me and wrapped me in his arms. It was a drastic difference to the man I had grown accustomed to coming home in the evenings. He kissed my cheek and my neck before finding my lips. He kissed me like he hadn’t in weeks and it made my knees grow weak.
“What was that for?” I asked him.
“I just missed you is all.”
I looked at him like he was hiding something. That couldn’t have been the real reason why he was acting the way he was. I’m sure he couldn’t have missed me that much since he had just seen me that morning before leaving.
“No, really. What’s with the affection?”
It looked as if I had hurt his feelings. I didn’t intentionally do it. I just wanted to know where it had come from and why. There had to have been some reason behind his sudden adulation of me.
“Can’t a guy miss his girlfriend?”
My heart grew tight in my chest. He had never called me that before. I hadn’t thought too much about what we were, it wasn’t like I attended high school and was familiar with the different phases of dating. I honestly hadn’t really put too much thought into what we were before he said that.
“Girlfriend?” I asked with a smile, liking the way it sounded on my lips.
“The mother of my child. The amazing person I live with. The best lay I’ve ever had. You choose. Which one are you?”
I didn’t hear anything past “the mother of my child.” There were times I got lost in the act and had to remind myself that the baby wasn’t his, but I had never called him the father of my child. I never even thought it. It warmed me to hear him say that though, as much as it stunned me.
I didn’t say anything. I’m not even sure I showed any expression on my face except one of astonishment.
“How about the love of my life? The one who holds my heart. The girl of my dreams. Take your pick, baby, because you’re all that and more. The one I want to go to sleep next to and wake up every morning to for the rest of my life. The one I want to have all my babies and the one I want by my side when we welcome our grandbabies into the world. The woman I plan to grow old with. My best friend. My lover. My woman.”
I didn’t have words for him. I silenced him by placing my lips over his, showing him how his words affected me. He loved me.
He loved me!
I had thought about what it would feel like to hear him say those three words to me. I wondered how I would react, where it would be, how he would say it. But none of my thinking had me prepared for when it finally happened.
He loved me.
I wanted to hear him say them again. Tell me again that he loves me, that I’m the love of his life. That he wanted me by his side until the end of time. I needed to hear it again, but I couldn’t take my lips off his. I couldn’t and didn’t want to. I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted to shout from an open window so everyone could hear.
HE LOVES ME!
But I needed to feel his mouth on mine. I needed his tongue moving with mine, and it made my words stick in my throat. He finally lifted me up and carried me to our room. I knew what was coming and immediately became wet at the realization we were about to make love. We had probably committed the act so many times since our fight, but that would be the first time it could truly be called making love. Because that’s what it was. Love.
I stopped him once we were fully naked and lying on the bed. I held his face in my hands as I looked him straight in the eyes. There was a twinkle in them and then I heard his breathing cease. He knew what was coming, but I still had to say it. He had heard me say it numerous times, but this would be the first time hearing it without the panting and moaning that came along with the rip-roaring orgasms he gave me.
“I love you,” I half said–half whispered.
Without missing a beat, he pressed himself into me, hard. I wasn’t anticipating it happening that quickly. But I could only assume he was as eager as I was. I’m glad he didn’t wait, because I didn’t know how long I would have been able to hold out either.
“I fucking love you,” he groaned as his thrusts picked up their tempo.
I wanted to say it back to him again, but I couldn’t. Just then, the tightening in my abdomen turned quickly into a ball of fire, and then even quicker released throughout my entire body. He had me screaming out my words within seconds of his profession of love.
He followed right behind me and then held me until I fell asleep, telling him again that I loved him and hearing those three amazing words come from his lips as they pressed into my forehead.
Just before I completely drifted off, I felt a nagging feeling of doom. I just wasn’t prepared for what it would actually mean, or that it would have been all my fault.
I don’t know how I ended up there, I really don’t. I had been thinking about showing up for a while, but I don’t know when it went from a thought in my head to reality. I vaguely remember getting dressed that morning and getting in my car. I know my original intention was to go to the store, but I never made it there. I somehow ended up driving an hour away and found myself in front of Billy’s house.
I stood at the front door, just staring at the peeling paint. My heart hammered in my chest as all of the possible scenarios ran through my head. He would be mad, I knew that much, but I was more curious if he’d feel or show any remorse over his actions.
I hadn’t spoken to him in months. I hadn’t even tried to reach out to him after Link found out about my last failed attempt. I was happy and content being where I was, in Link’s arms, professing my love for him every day. It had only been in the past few weeks that I even thought about seeing Billy and making him face his choices head on.
Maybe it was because of my birthday, and the impending freedom it offered. Or maybe it was because I had planned for so long to go back to Billy once I legally turned eighteen. Whatever it was, three days after my birthday, I stood on the front porch of the house I once called my home.
It didn’t fe
el like home any longer. My home was with Lincoln, where we would raise our family and continue to be blissfully happy for the rest of our lives. I told myself that for so long that I truly believed it. I just couldn’t understand why I would end up back at Billy’s if it was something I honestly thought to be true. I started to feel like I was stuck in a game of ping pong, and I was the ball. Everything I told myself was on one side of the table, but my subconscious was on the other side, and I was being swatted back and forth, unsure which side would win.
I held my fist up to the door in an attempt to knock, but it just ended in yet another failed try. That made seven times I had tried to knock but didn’t. Instead, I placed my palm gently on the cool wood and leaned into it. My forehead rested on the door as I took in deep breaths, trying to figure out my next move. I knew I should’ve just gotten back in my new car and driven back home; I knew that after I tried and failed the first time to knock. I knew that as I walked up to the front door. Hell, I knew that as soon as I pulled up in front of the house. But something inside of me refused to walk away. I wanted him to see me. I needed for him to see what he had given up.
Part of me wanted him to grovel at my feet and beg for forgiveness so I could see the pained look on his face as I rejected him, the same way he did me so many months before. I needed to see his heart being ripped from his chest as I walked away from him, letting him know what it felt like to have that happen. I had fantasized about that for so long. Ever since the very first time Link ever told me he loved me. In my imagination, sometimes he begged me to stay, others he cried. But in every single one of them, I left him on the floor in a devastated heap and went back to Link. Every single time. I didn’t intentionally go there that day, and I certainly never had any intentions of forgiving him.
I let out a long sigh into the air as I finally gave in and made the decision to go back home. There was no need for me to be there. Even if I did succeed in breaking his heart like he had done to mine, it wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t change anything. And it certainly wouldn’t affect my life any. I was just inviting more trouble into my world, much like Billy often did. I never realized that until I finally let go of all the hope I had harbored inside for so long. Once I released him from my heart, I saw things for how they were. I saw the dead-end life I led, the stalemate relationship I was in that only suffocated me. I didn’t know how badly I needed oxygen until Link gave it to me. I could breathe with him, unlike I had ever been able to before. I was able to live with him, really live. And I was able to love him, which was something I never thought possible when I first started on my journey. Not only was I able to love Link, but I was also able to love Jeri, and Jack at times.
I still didn’t have all the answers when it came to my parents, but I had learned all that I needed to. Everything else didn’t matter. And I had come to believe that I had everything I needed, everything I deserved, everything I ever wanted. That was until I turned around.
Standing at the front of the driveway was Billy. The sun beat down on him as he stood motionless in front of me with his arms crossed over his broad chest. His brown eyes bore into mine as his chest heaved with every heavy and labored breath he took. He was angry, there was no denying that.
His icy cold stare was enough to drop the cold December air about ten degrees. I pulled my coat around me and curled into myself, to protect me from the wind and his hateful stare. I was frozen in place from the temperature and from fear. I knew he wouldn’t be happy to see me, but I hadn’t imagined he’d be looking at me with such murderous eyes. I immediately regretted showing up, even more so than I had moments earlier.
“What are you doing here, Kendall?” His voice was deep and clipped, as if he was fighting with his words. I’m sure he wanted to say so much more than that but refrained. Which was a new characteristic for him, since he was never much of a refrained guy before.
I wanted to correct him about my name, but I couldn’t find my voice. I didn’t know why I was there, and the original reason was long gone by the time I saw his cold eyes on me. I didn’t want to speak to him, I didn’t even want to look at him any longer, I just wanted to get the hell out of there and fast.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Kendall?” he asked again, this time growling his words as he stalked closer to me. The look on his face was frightening and it made me wonder if he had always looked at me with those eyes when I had angered him.
I didn’t remember him ever acting so volatile before, but I was also under a cloud of confusion back then. I wasn’t aware at the time that our relationship had been so unhealthy until Link and Joanne had pointed it out. I had nothing to compare it to. But that wasn’t the case any longer. I had Lincoln to compare it to, and I knew that the way he was looking at me was dangerous and unhealthy. I needed to get out of there.
Before I could move, a gust of wind whipped through the front porch and blew open the front of my coat. I couldn’t grab the fabric fast enough before his eyes zeroed in on the bulging bump in my midsection. His eyes immediately found mine again, this time they lost the coldness to them and was replaced with fear. They grew to the size of saucers as he lifted his eyebrows high on his forehead. He pleaded with his eyes for me to tell him it wasn’t true. But all I could do was attempt to make a run for it.
I wasn’t fast enough and he grabbed me by my arm and pulled me against the front of the house. My back hit the stucco hard as the wind was knocked out of me. I gasped desperately for my deflated lungs to fill with the needed oxygen. I closed my eyes tightly, afraid of what I’d see if I opened them, and my arms instinctively went over my stomach in an attempt to shield my unborn child from Billy’s blind rage. But nothing happened.
Once I was able to catch a deep enough breath to ease the burning in my chest, I opened my eyes and noticed how far away Billy was. He had his head in his hands as he knelt against the pavement of his driveway. His fists were balled up in his hair as he rocked back and forth on his knees. A part of me wanted to go to him, to make sure he was okay, but a bigger part of me wanted nothing more than to leave him there in my dust, in my past where he belonged.
He stopped rocking and looked to me once he sensed my movement. “Kendall,” he called out in a whisper.
“It’s Danielle, actually.” I wanted to sound strong, but to my ears, I sounded weak and feeble. I saw the confusion in his eyes as he stared back in silence. “My name is Danielle, not Kendall,” I reiterated.
“You changed your name?”
“Yes and no. John is actually the one that changed my name, I just changed it back to what it rightfully was. And that’s not all I changed. I’m not the same girl you remember. I’m not the same person you were with.” And I wasn’t. I was far from that girl and I was okay with it. I still wasn’t that strong girl from before, but I was finding my own confidence in my own life, and Link was a big part of that change. He was also responsible for me calming down and learning patience. All characteristics of a girl Billy never knew. And I had no intentions of him ever knowing either.
He moved closer and reached out to touch my leg. I backed up in fear. I wasn’t entirely sure what that fear was, but it was there and it was real. His eyes no longer held the flames of fury, and his face had softened after my blow to the wall, but there was still something there that I feared.
“Who—whose baby is it?” His voice was full of desperation.
I thought about my answer. It should have been an easy reply, but it wasn’t. “It’s my baby.”
“Dammit, who’s the father, Kendall?”
I didn’t answer him, I only glared at his begging state.
He huffed out a breath of air and continued, “Danielle, who is the father?”
“My boyfriend Link.” I saw relief take hold of his features, and spitefulness came from somewhere deep within me. “But if you’re asking who the biological father is, it’s you.”
I didn’t have enough time to regret my decision. He grabbed me by the hips and pulled me to
ward him. With his faced pressed against my stomach, he spoke garbled words. His hands gently caressed my belly as he held his forehead against me.
Finally, he looked up and I saw the glossiness of his eyes. The sight of him reached inside of me and coiled around my heart, making me itch to reach out and touch him, but I didn’t.
“Why? Why did you keep it?”
“Just because you didn’t want it, doesn’t mean I don’t.”
He stood up and held my face in the palms of his hands. It looked as if he was going to kiss me, and somewhere deeply hidden inside of me, I wanted him to, but he didn’t. Instead, he said, “It was never that I didn’t want it.”
His eyes held so much conviction as he spoke. I didn’t want to believe his words, but he was making it very difficult not to. He looked as if he was about to cry, and the fear inside of me changed. I was no longer fearful of him, I was scared I’d give in to him. I was terrified I’d give up all I had earned over the past six months and end up right back where I had started from.
“I have always loved you, Kendall. It’s always been you, never anyone else. My dad always told me to keep you safe, to watch out for you, and I always did. When I was seventeen, he saw the way I’d look at you, and he was furious. I started spending more and more time away from the house because I knew the thoughts I was having about you were wrong. You were starting to develop and I couldn’t help but notice it and appreciate it. I think I knew then that I wanted to do more than just protect you. But the only way I could protect you then was to leave. I moved away, hoping that would make it all go away. But I’d find myself thinking about you. And then Dad would have me come watch you while he’d be gone for work, and by then, you were getting older. But you were still too young and it was still wrong. I knew the moment he died and you came to live with me it would never be the same.” His eyes grew a darker shade of brown, like he was holding himself back from something.
