Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  “How am I supposed to find that out?”

  “Don’t you still have all of his records? It’d be in there.”

  Billy nodded slowly but didn’t move to get it.

  “Well, aren’t you going to go look for it?” I asked impatiently.

  He yawned and rolled over, pressing his face further into the pillow. His reluctance puzzled me; I figured he’d want to know the answer as much as I did. But he wasn’t acting like it. He was acting like it didn’t matter. Like I wasn’t possibly carrying a child that could’ve been conceived with a family member.

  The thought grossed me out and angered me. “Billy Carrington, get the fuck up now.”

  He rolled back over and looked at me with a smirk on his face. He was goading me.

  “What the hell is so funny about this? You didn’t think it was all that funny yesterday. Or months ago when I told you I was pregnant with your child. You pushed me away like I was some kind of disease, and now you’re practically forcing me to stay here.”

  The irritating smile vanished and he sat up, looking straight at me with nothing but seriousness on his face. I hated his mood swings. “I don’t know how I feel. I love you, I do know that. But I guess I just don’t want to find out that you’re my sister. The thought is disgusting. Thinking about everything we’ve done together makes me sick. But I still love you, and that breaks my heart. I don’t want you to be my sister because I want to keep loving you. I want to love you and our daughter for the rest of my life. I don’t want to look at you or her and feel the disgust that I’ve been feeling for months now. So, I’m sorry if I just want to give myself a few more minutes with the idea that you are not my sister, and I am not your brother, and our baby is just that—our baby. Not our niece-daughter.”

  I understood what he was saying, and I wanted that, too, to a certain extent. But I wanted to go home more. I wanted to be with Link more than I wanted to live in some delusional fairy tale land where everything was what we wanted it to be instead of what it could be.

  “Billy, regardless of our relation to one another, we’ll never be an us again. There will never be a me and you.”

  “Can we revisit this again after we find out?”

  “No.” I didn’t need to say any more than that. It was enough.

  I watched as he buried his head in his hands and took in a few deep breaths.

  “Fine then, as morbid as this is going to sound, I’m just gonna say it now. Because you won’t let me wait until the questions are answered. I love—”

  I cut him off. I knew what he was going to say and I didn’t want to hear it again. I couldn’t hear it again. “Stop. Just stop, please. Whether you love me or not isn’t the question. It’s irrelevant. It doesn’t even matter if I love you anymore. You let me go once, so do it again.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Well, you need to. I’m not staying here, Billy.”

  “You went away as Kendall, and you’ve come back to me as Danielle. You say you’ve changed and you’re not the same girl I knew. I just want to know that girl.”

  “It’s pointless.”

  “Why?” He was pleading with me, begging me to give in.

  “Because that girl doesn’t love you.” The words flew right out of my mouth before I could even contemplate them. I said them with such conviction that I didn’t doubt them. Link taught me that. He taught me to just answer questions without any thought and I’d find the truth. Even if there was still a morsel of doubt left in my mind about my feelings for Billy, that answered it right there.

  He abruptly stood up and clasped his hands over my shoulders, jolting me in place. My neck snapped back from the impact and I instantly feared him again. “Why would you say that? Why can’t you still love me?”

  My hands and arms instantly covered my stomach and he noticed right away. He looked down and saw what I was instinctively doing and backed away. Fear was evident in his own eyes and it registered that he, too, feared himself.

  “I can’t love a man that scares me like you do. I can’t love a man that doesn’t help me grow. You may not have intentionally held me back, that was all John and myself, but you didn’t allow me the kind of growth a person needs. I was stuck in this house, being your pretend wife. I cooked and cleaned and took care of you, and I did it without question or complaint because I was complacent. I was used to living that life and didn’t know anything else. I can’t go back to being her. I can’t live in those shoes again. I refuse to raise my daughter in a home where her parents fight like we did. She should know how she’s supposed to be treated by watching how her father treats her mother.” I paused and continued. “I take responsibility for my part in our fights, but you and me? It’ll never change.”

  He closed his eyes and took a breath before looking back at me. “It can, though. You just said that you changed. I can change, too. I can be a better person for you. Let me prove it. If you find out John isn’t your father, let me prove it. Please. I’m only asking for you to let me show you how much I love you, how much I want to love you the right way for the rest of your life. Can you do that for me? Will you please just give me an inch here?”

  My heart was being ripped from my chest. I didn’t want to give him that opportunity. He didn’t deserve it, nor did I even want it anymore. I wanted Link. But Link didn’t want me. There was only one thing I could do. And I had to do it for me.

  “Find the information about John. I’ll go home and find out what my mother’s blood type was and then we’ll talk about it. I’m not making any promises until I have at least some answers.” I knew I had to give him something in order for him to let me go.

  “Stop calling that place home. This is home.”

  If only he knew how wrong he was. But I wasn’t intending on starting another fight with him. “My family is there. That is home. It’s just something else you’re going to have to deal with if you truly want to be with me. I finally have a family, and I’m not about to just walk away from them.”

  “Yeah, and that douchebag, too.”

  That comment angered me. “Don’t call him that. Link was the one to pick me up after you broke me down. He was the one that saved me after you completely devastated me. You should be thankful he was there. But you don’t have anything to worry about anymore. I’m sure he doesn’t want anything to do with me after yesterday.”

  “Fine. How exactly am I supposed to get ahold of you to let you know about John?”

  “I don’t know, why don’t you try unblocking me from your phone? Or you could just accept my friend request and allow me to send you messages. Don’t act like I’m the one who cut off all contact. That was all you.”

  Billy looked down at his feet, like he just realized it wasn’t me that had ignored him for months. “Okay.”

  I grabbed my keys and headed to the door. I needed to get back home.

  “You’re leaving now?” he asked, astonished.

  “Yes, I’m leaving now. What more do I have to stay for?”

  He nodded and walked toward me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close. I wanted to push him away, but something in me kept me there. There was something about him and being in his arms that made my heart beat faster, but I knew it was nothing more than a side effect of the love I once had for him. A love I could possibly find again if that’s the path I was meant to take, but I didn’t put too much thought into that. It wasn’t the path I wanted to take. But I also knew that the direction I wanted to take didn’t always match up with the ones I was destined for. It was a wait and see game.

  I released him and walked to my car. I didn’t stop until I was home.

  Once I got into town, my mind was torn as to where to go first. I wanted to go see Jeri, and try to explain to her what happened. I also wanted to try and talk to Link, but assumed he probably wouldn’t give me the time of day. I never did hear back from him after I sent him my apology and confession, so I figured he still didn’t want to talk.

  I also had t
o find out Corinne’s blood type. I could’ve asked Jeri for it, but knew she’d have questions, and after finding out that the baby is Billy’s, I was sure she didn’t also need to know about the possible relation between us.

  So, I decided to head over to the hospital and hope they had some sort of records there.

  I walked through the front doors and headed to the front desk. Before I could ask anyone a single question, I happened to turn my head and saw Link sitting in a chair in the waiting room. So many things went through my mind as I watched him wipe his hands over his face. No matter how many times he did that, the grief was still evident. It made my heart break and I found my feet moving in his direction without my permission.

  “Lincoln?”

  He turned and looked at me, shock written all over his face. Then it was replaced with anger.

  “Why are you here? Is everything all right?” My words came out panicked and breathy.

  He blinked a few times before answering me. “Why do you care? You chose where you wanted to be. You shouldn’t be here.”

  I hated what his words did to me. They broke me along with his sad tone and angry eyes. I didn’t want him to look at me like that. I hated watching him act that way. I sat next to him and touched his face. He let me for a moment before backing his head away, breaking the contact I had with him.

  “I do care. Yesterday was a misunderstanding.”

  I wanted to say more, but he stopped me. “Jeri had a heart attack this morning.”

  Everything stopped. My heart, my breathing, the world. It all stopped at the words “heart attack” and “Jeri.” He had to have been mistaken. It must’ve been a sick joke.

  “Oh my God. Is she okay? Is she…” I couldn’t even finish asking if she were alive.

  “She’s upstairs now. They ran some tests, but Jack is with her. They said I couldn’t go see her yet.” He looked upset, as if his whole world stopped as well. It probably did. He was close to Jeri long before I came into the picture, and he stayed close to her since meeting me.

  I couldn’t speak. I was too far gone in my own head to come up with any words. All I could think about was Link telling her about my lies and betrayal and then she has a heart attack. It was all my fault. No. It was his.

  “This is your fault,” I told him in anger. “If you hadn’t told her about Billy, she wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t have had a heart attack if you had just listened to me yesterday. If you would’ve just let me explain. But no. You had to go and tell her and now she’s here!”

  Without a word, he stood up and walked outside the front entrance.

  I followed behind, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

  “Take some damn responsibility, Danielle! You were the one that chose to lie to her about the baby. That wasn’t my idea. I went along with it because you said everything would be fine. You’re the one that said you weren’t going back there. You were the one that said you were going to stay here with me. But was any of that true? NO! It wasn’t! Nothing is fine. You did go back there. And you did leave me. So don’t you dare blame me for this. Own up to your own mistakes. Stop blaming everyone else.”

  I collapsed to the concrete parking lot and cried into my hands. He was right. I was blaming everyone else when I only had to look in the mirror to find the real culprit. It only took a few seconds before I felt arms move around me, pulling me into a solid surface. I knew as soon as I took in a breath whose arms I was in. Link’s.

  My arms instinctively went around his neck and pulled him even closer. Impossibly closer. I could feel the reluctance in his rigid form, but he eventually held me just as tightly.

  “Calm down, Danielle. It’s not good for the baby if you get this upset,” he soothed in a calming voice. He shushed me and rubbed my back in a circular motion with one hand while the other ran through my hair.

  “I’m so sorry, Link. It’s all my fault. I ruined everything. Jeri could die because of me.”

  He held my face in his hands and made me look at him. I didn’t want to, because I knew what I’d see in those blue eyes of his. Disgust. Hatred. And I feared what I wouldn’t see. Love.

  “I didn’t tell her.” I must’ve given him a look of confusion because he continued, “I couldn’t tell anyone. I just said you went out shopping and they never asked when you got back. After Jeri’s attack this morning, I told them you were at the doctor’s office. She doesn’t know. I didn’t tell her.”

  I wanted to kiss him right then and there. I wanted to wrap myself up in him and prayed that meant he still had hope for us. But that all came crashing down when he opened his mouth and spoke again.

  “You need to be the one to tell them. They’re going to start questioning where you are and why we aren’t together. And that needs to come from you. It’s your lie to tell, not mine.”

  “Why can’t we be together?” I asked with such desperation it even broke my own heart.

  “You know why. You went there. You went to see him.”

  “I can explain.”

  Link shook his head and stood up, letting go of me in the process. “Go see Jeri. She needs you right now. We can figure this out later.”

  “Does this mean we still have a chance?”

  He couldn’t even look at me as he gave me his answer. “No. We don’t have a chance. You made the decision to go to him, and I made the decision to close that door.” He turned around and left. He just left me standing in front of the hospital, crying like a child that was abandoned by her parents. I was the child abandoned by her parents. The irony. But I was also the girl abandoned by the one person she loved and trusted more than anything.

  It felt as if I stood outside crying for days, but I’m sure it was only a few minutes before I went back inside to check on Jeri. I sat in the waiting room for what felt like years, but was probably only close to an hour before they let me in to see her.

  Jack left the room to give me some time with her. I didn’t know how to take that gesture. It seemed polite, but I also knew Jack, and I knew by the look on his face he knew I hadn’t been home in a day.

  Jeri was in the bed but didn’t look any different than the last time I saw her. She smiled at me as I sat in the chair beside the bed that Jack was previously occupying. I took her hand in mine as I stared up at her, desperately trying to keep the tears from escaping again.

  “I’m fine,” she tried to console me with her sweet voice. Except her sweet voice sounded weaker than normal. “It was just a minor block and I got here in time. I’m fine,” she repeated, probably for her sake as well as my own. “They said I’ll be as good as new in no time.”

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”

  “Don’t be. Lincoln was. You have such a good man.” She laughed. “Well, I guess man wouldn’t be the right term, except he’s so much more than a boy. He’s doing right by you and the baby. He loves you both so much, don’t ever doubt that.”

  I shook my head and the tears broke free.

  “What’s the matter, Danielle? I’m okay. Nothing to be upset about.”

  There she was, recovering from a heart attack and comforting me. Those were the things I missed out on growing up. I had John, who comforted me when I needed it, and then Billy after John passed. But nothing compared to a grandmother putting on her bravest face to ease your worries. I didn’t have that. And by the time I did have it, I had already ruined it with my lies and deceit.

  “John died from a heart attack,” I confessed. I was sure she would have already known that, but I had never told her myself. “I was there, in the house. I didn’t save him. I wouldn’t have even known what to do if I had found him in time.”

  “Everything happens for a reason. You wouldn’t have come home if that never happened.”

  I nodded, knowing it was the truth. So many things would have been different had that not happened. I would have never gone to live with Billy. I wouldn’t have taken that drive that led me home. I wouldn’t have my baby. And I wouldn’t have had Link. Tho
se were the things I never wanted to give up, but somehow I ended up losing it all anyway.

  “I have to tell you something.” I figured after a heart attack, the hospital would have been the best place to confess to her. “About my baby…”

  “I know,” she said, squeezing my hand harder. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ve known all along.”

  “You know?” There was no way she did. She had to have been mistaken.

  “I don’t know when it happened, and I really don’t care. When you told me it was Link’s, I wanted to call you out on it then, but I couldn’t. I figured he’d deny it and the truth would be out. I never expected him to go along with it, but that’s when I knew I had to keep your secret. If Link was willing to take responsibility, who was I to get in the way of that?

  “Truth be told, I was a bit selfish in that, too. I didn’t want you to leave. I certainly didn’t want you to go back to that boy. I wanted you here. And I could see the way Lincoln looked at you. I knew he was going to be good to you and your baby. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

  My head was spinning. She knew? At least that burden was off my chest, but I still had one more to release. “I made a mistake. I went to see Billy yesterday and Link showed up. It wasn’t what he thought it was, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He thought I was going back to him, but I wasn’t. I swear I wasn’t. Now he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

  I decided to leave out the part of the paternity test. I would have to find that out on my own and then decide if she should know about it. It was pointless to tell her if it wasn’t true.

  “Make him listen. He’s a good listener, been listening to me for years.”

  “He doesn’t want to, I’ve tried.”

  “You’re just not trying hard enough. Don’t waste your time in here with an old lady like me, go get him and make him listen to you.” She squeezed my hand one more time before letting it go.

  I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. It was the first time I had done it, and prayed to God it wouldn’t be the last. “I love you,” I whispered, finishing it off with Grandma in my head. I liked how my heart felt after I called her that, even if it wasn’t out loud. I knew it was only a matter of time before that name would be uttered from my lips, and it put a smile on my face.