by Leddy Harper
As I headed out, I took a detour to the front desk and asked about medical records. The nice nurse told me to contact the coroner’s office in the morning. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but at least it wasn’t a dead end.
The last thing I needed to do was find Link and explain. It didn’t take long since he was at our house. Well, his car was there, but he wasn’t. I walked inside, expecting to find him, but all I found was boxes scattered around. I wasn’t sure if he was packing up my things or his since there seemed to be a bit of both in them. The only room that wasn’t touched was the baby’s room. Everything in there was exactly how it was when we decorated it after finding out we were having a girl.
I walked outside to the golf course, hoping I’d find him there. And despite the golfers out playing, there he was, sitting by the small bridge. My heart tightened in my chest as I remembered finding him there the first time we met, and every other time he’d disappear. I sat down next to him and waited for his acknowledgment of my presence.
“If you came for your things, I haven’t finished packing them yet,” he said without even looking at me.
“I came for you.” I didn’t want to sound that sad, but I did.
“Why?”
“Because my whole life has been based off decisions made by other people, and for the first time, I am making my own. I am finally going after what I want because I want it.”
“You made the decision to go see him. That was something you wanted,” he challenged me. “You went and saw him when you made me drive you there. When you got pregnant. You made the decision yesterday, too.”
I could only shake my head. He had his walls built up and it would take a jackhammer to break them down. I would be that jackhammer. I would be whatever I needed to in order to get through to him. I wasn’t about to give up. I had done enough of that in my life, and it was time to stop. It was time to be whom I was meant to be—whom I wanted to be. To go after what I wanted without any other influence other than my heart. And I wanted Link. I was going to get him.
“Do you remember that game we played when you drove me there, to see Billy? The one where we each had ten questions to ask and the other had to answer truthfully?” I asked and he looked at me for the first time since I sat down.
“What about it?”
“You still have questions left.”
“I’m not doing this. I don’t even remember how many I had left.”
“It doesn’t matter, you have unlimited questions now. And I will answer honestly.”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to play. I don’t want to hear your answers.”
I wanted to scream, to punch something, to grab his face and demand his attention, but I couldn’t do any of those things. What I didn’t want to do was cry, and that’s the only thing I did do. I cried out of frustration and defeat. I knew I had to keep trying, but that meant giving him time. And I didn’t want to give him time. I wanted him to hear me out and let me explain.
“Did you plan on going there yesterday?” he asked as I sobbed next to him.
“No,” I answered immediately. “I planned on going to the store.”
“It was a spur of the moment decision then?” He didn’t sound convinced.
“It wasn’t even a decision. I was just driving and I ended up there.”
“This isn’t going to work if you aren’t telling me the truth.”
“I am telling you the truth. I had been thinking about going there to make him see what he gave up. But it wasn’t something I ever thought I would do; it was more daydreaming than planning. I went to the store and ended up at his house. I swear. I had no intentions of going there.”
“Why didn’t you just turn around then?”
I had to just answer since that was something I didn’t know myself. “Because he had hurt me so badly that I wanted to hurt him, too. I wanted him to see me and see my belly. I wanted him to hurt like I did. And I knew if I turned around, I’d never have the opportunity again. And I needed to see him hurt. I needed to see him just as broken as I was.”
“Why was that so important to you?”
“I don’t know. I guess I felt like all the people that hurt me by making decisions for me haven’t paid for it. My parents went out drinking with me in the car and died. They didn’t pay for that. Yes, they died, but they were kind of already dead by that point, so they never had to pay the price for that. Jeri and Bob did. John took me away instead of letting me be with my family. Again, he died, but he never had to pay for it. Billy changed my whole life, some for the good and some for the bad. But why does he get to break my heart, tell me to have an abortion, and live his life as if nothing happened? Why do I have to be the only one feeling the hurt and pain of his actions?” I wasn’t even aware that I wanted everyone to pay for what they did until I said it. I guess by my logic, I was paying for mine.
“I thought I made that better for you.” It wasn’t a question.
“You did. I just wanted him to see it. To see that I wasn’t broken anymore. That I wasn’t the weak girl I once was. I needed for him to see how amazing I turned out, and that I didn’t do what he asked. That someone else had my heart, my baby, my everything. And that he’d never be able to touch it again.”
“Did you sleep with him?”
“No.”
“Kiss him?”
“No.”
“Do you love me?”
I didn’t have to think about that answer. “Yes. Wholeheartedly. With everything I am.”
His expression softened and I saw him breathe as if it were for the first time. “Do you still love him?”
“Yes,” I whispered, looking down at the short grass. “But it’s not the same.”
“I can’t do this. I will always feel like I’m doing nothing but waiting for you to leave again. Waiting for the day that I go after you and find you coming out of his house with your hair messed up like you just got out of bed. That’s not fair for me.”
I shook my head. “I’ve said what I needed to say to him. I won’t be going back.”
“I’ve heard that before,” he said with a laugh.
“I’m not giving up on you, Link. I’ll never give up. I’m going to stay here and fight for you because it’s what I want to do. I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. And for the first time, I feel like I deserve to go after what I want.”
“You’ve said that already, except the last time I heard it, you were talking about him. You were saying that he was the love of your life and the only person you’ve ever loved and you’d wait for him. Now it’s me? Make up your damn mind, Danielle. All you’ve done is change it since you came here. You were Kendall, now you’re Danielle. You hated Jeri and Jack, and now you’re worried about them and act like you love them. It was Billy that owned your heart but now you’re saying it’s me. I can’t keep up with you anymore. I just can’t do it.”
His words invaded me and took hold of my heart, clenching it in its grip and holding so tight I thought it would literally stop. My eyes burned from the threat of unshed tears and my stomach coiled, threatening to purge all of the sadness from within me. Which would have been a lot considering I felt like I was drowning in it.
“You saved me, Link. Without you, I would have waited for him and gone back to him. I would be in an unhealthy relationship with a man that doesn’t see me the way I should be seen. I don’t want that. You helped me see who I really am—the real me. I’m no longer the scared little girl that came here. The one that was content in that box because she was too scared to see what was really out there. I’m not her anymore, and it’s because of you. You opened my eyes. And that’s why I don’t ever want to go back.”
“I didn’t do that, you did. Stop giving me credit.”
I was so tired of people telling me to take blame or credit. I knew I had to take responsibility for what I’ve done and accomplished, but I wasn’t alone on my journey. “I know that I was willing to change, and f
or that, I do take the credit. But you showed me that love meant so much more than complacency. You helped me see that I can be so much more than what I was. You supported me during my GED tests and were there to congratulate me when the results came back. You were there to push me into signing up for school, and helped find a way for me to have a job while taking care of a baby. Everything that scared me because I never thought I would have been able to do it, you showed me it was okay. So I do take credit for allowing myself to change and become a better person, but I couldn’t have done it without the people in my life. And that includes you.”
I thought I saw a tear in his eye, but he turned too quickly for me to tell for sure. I knew he wouldn’t just forgive and forget, but I at least wanted the chance.
“I know I’ve asked you this before, but please let me prove it to you. Please give me the chance to show you how much I love you and that I don’t want anyone or anything else.”
“Danielle, I think you need this time alone. You’ve never been on your own and had to live for yourself. You went from John’s house to Billy’s, then to Jeri’s and finally to mine. You don’t know what it’s like to do things for yourself. I don’t want you to never go back to him because you’re scared of hurting me. I want you to stay here because it’s what you want, not because of how I feel about it. I’m sure your family feels the same way.”
“I went there to show him what he’ll never have again.”
“But why?” His voice rose, begging for an answer. “Why does it matter if he sees that?”
I shook my head and let the tears silently cascade down my cheeks. “I’ve always seen him go to work every morning, and I knew that was something I’d never have. I watched people get married and be happy and go on vacations together, and I knew I’d never experience that. All around me, people were doing things and being things that I’d never do or be. I finally felt as if I was one of them. I’m having a baby, I’m in love, I’m with someone who loves me. I get to go to school and have a job. I can get married if I want and go on a honeymoon. I can get on an airplane and fly anywhere. I have a driver’s license and a car. And for the first time, I wanted to show the one person that kept me from all of that that I have it now. I have it all without him.
“He used to tell me that I wouldn’t be anywhere without him. That I didn’t have a family or anyone to look after me. I only had him. But I do have that now. So I’m sorry if you can’t understand why I felt the need to show him, but I did. I had to show him he was wrong,” I said as I cried.
“You’ve gone through spurts, and I’ve watched them all. You love him, you hate him. You miss him, you don’t. You go back and forth about how you feel about him and me. I can’t just sit and wait for the next emotional spin when you’re back to wanting him and leave me behind. And I know I won’t survive if that happens after she’s born. I already love her like she was my own flesh and blood, but if you take her from me after I’ve held her in my arms, I won’t survive it.”
“That’s not going to happen.” I touched his face and made him look me in the eyes. “I am in love with you. I know for certain that I don’t want anyone else—ever. I only want you. All of you. For ever and ever. I want a family with you, and I won’t feel complete if I don’t.”
“We’re so young. How do we know this is real?” he argued.
“Because I know what real pain and loss feel like. I know it better than anyone my age should. I have felt it before. And I feel it whenever I think about not being with you. It’s a physical pain. Like someone is literally ripping my heart out. Like my lungs physically won’t work and I’m suffocating and dying slowly. If it wasn’t real, I’d feel like I did when Billy broke up with me. But I don’t feel like that. That hurt me, I won’t lie. But this? Thinking you’ll never be with me again? This is death. It goes beyond hurt. It goes beyond pain. It’s what I imagine death would feel like.”
“You’re keeping something from me. If you really want this to work, then I need you to be honest with me. Don’t wait until I ask you about it. Just tell me. You can’t hold anything back.”
I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t want to tell him what I learned back at Billy’s house. It disgusted me to even think about it, let alone tell someone. But I was faced with choices. I could tell him and hope he wasn’t so horrified that he’d give me a chance, or not tell him and ruin any opportunity I had at ever being with him again. I knew what I had to do. He would find out eventually anyway.
After I told Link about Corinne and John, and what the possibility was, he got up and left. I followed him to the house, but he wouldn’t talk to me. I knew I just had to give him time to swallow it. It’s what I had to do myself. I was torn between walking away and sticking it out. I didn’t want to walk away. I wanted to be there and show him that no matter what it all meant, I wanted to be with him. But I couldn’t bear to see the look in his eyes anymore. They were filled with disgust and repulsion.
He walked into our room and came right back out. It was as if he didn’t even know what to do about it, or how to feel. I understood. I felt the same way. I just wanted to get some answers and put it all behind me.
“Do you have to find out? Like is it that important to know? It’s not like you guys would be that close of relation that it would even matter, right?” he asked.
“I can’t really find out too much information on what it would do to the baby, but if we do share DNA, then there’s a chance of birth defects. And as much as I’d like to say that I don’t need to know the truth, I feel I do in order to make sure my daughter is safe.”
He nodded but didn’t speak. I wanted to know what was going on in his head, what he was thinking about, but he was so quiet and wouldn’t even look at me.
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
My heart broke, my knees grew weak, and I fell to the floor. He tried to come to me, but all I could do was push him away. I felt as if he would have given me another chance had I never told him about it. I was being punished for something I had no control over. All of the secrets that had been kept by others led me to this. And I never had a choice in any of it. No one ever told me the truth and I suddenly realized why. When you told the truth, the consequences weren’t favorable, so in the selfishness of human behavior, they all felt that lying was the best alternative. I couldn’t disagree with them on that.
He tried again to hold me, but again, I pushed him away. I didn’t want to push him away. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms and tell me everything would be fine. I wanted him to make everything better and make me feel whole again. Because without him, I wasn’t whole. But I couldn’t handle seeing him look at me with those eyes any longer.
“Danielle, baby, stop,” he demanded as he successfully pulled me into him. “Just stop.”
My arms went around him and I cried into his shirt, allowing it to absorb the quiet sobs that were coming from me. I held on tight, not wanting to let go because I knew if I did, I’d never find myself back there again. I knew it was over. Nothing would ever be the same again.
He grabbed ahold of my face and made me look at him. I didn’t want to. I kept my eyes closed and he kept telling me to open them. I couldn’t. My heart was already broken enough, I didn’t think it could take any more. That’s when I felt it, in the middle of my sobs, I felt his lips on mine. It took me a second before I could respond to it because it took my breath away. It made it impossible to breathe.
While his lips were on mine, he mumbled, “I love you.”
It stunned me because I thought I had heard him wrong, so I stopped kissing him and backed up. I finally looked him in his eyes and saw that I hadn’t misunderstood him. Not only did he tell me he loved me, but his eyes were telling me, too.
“Danielle, I love you. I need you. Please, let me be with you.”
There was no hesitating after that. I leaned back into him and covered his mouth with mine. His hands were immediately on me, pulling up my shirt, unfastening m
y bra, and moving to my pants, which were elastic due to my growing waistline.
He pushed me back until I was on the floor and he was hovering over me. He took one of my swollen nipples in his mouth and massaged it with his tongue, bringing me to the point of begging. Then, he moved his lips down, kissing over my round belly until he was between my legs. I felt his tongue move through my folds until it found my sensitive spot and he began to lick and suck. His fingers were digging into by broad hips, pulling me closer to his mouth.
I wasn’t going to last long. I had experienced so many emotions over the previous twenty-four hours, I knew it would only take a few strokes of his tongue and I’d be done for. But once he moved two fingers inside of me, it was over. I began to convulse and shake against his mouth, quivering as my emotions ran ramped through me. He continued to lick me and thrust his fingers in and out until I was spent and laid motionless on the floor.
He kissed my inner thighs and up until his lips were pressed against my abdomen. There was something about the way he kissed it, like he was trying to kiss the actual baby, that sent my heart soaring. The way he placed his hands around her, trying to hold her, and the way he took a breath as if he had to steady himself from his own emotions. I didn’t know what it meant. I knew what I wanted it to mean, but I was too scared to believe it. He acted one way, but his eyes said something else. His eyes were saying goodbye.
I didn’t want him to let me go. I wanted him to see me, to really see me and know that what I felt for him was real. I needed that one last chance to convince him of it. I grabbed his shirt at his shoulders and pulled him up until his lips met mine. I kissed him with everything I had while tasting myself on his tongue.
I began tugging on his shirt, letting him know that I wanted it off of him. He had to lean back on his knees in order to pull it over his head without putting pressure on my stomach. But I didn’t mind, considering it gave me a chance to watch him as he removed his shirt. There were few things sexier than watching Link take off his clothes—he just finished doing one of them and was hopefully about to do another.
