He knew what I was thinking about. I'd told him over and over again what made me so unhappy but he never listened or realized important it was to me.
"Is it the baby thing?" he asked casually.
"The baby thing?" I seethed. "Yeah, it's the fucking baby thing."
I screeched my chair back against the floor and stood up. He looked up at me offended as though I was being horribly cruel.
"Honey," he pointed back to the chair. "Calm down."
It felt like there was acid burning in my chest.
"Calm down? Are you fucking serious?"
He just blinked at me.
"Aren't you at all upset?" I asked, incredulous that he appeared so unaffected.
"Upset? Of course, I was upset but..."
"But what?"
"It was God's plan," he said with a smug smile.
Eyeing the steak knife, I imagined what it would feel like to plunge it into his neck. God's plan?
"God doesn't kill babies," I said through gritted teeth. "You kill babies."
He gasped and scrunched up his face.
"You don't mean that."
"You know I do," I said as I stormed away.
Stomping up the stairs, I heard his faint voice behind me.
"I suppose I'm sleeping on the couch again tonight?" he asked with his feeble voice.
"The couch, the car, the fucking highway, I don't care where you sleep."
And I slammed the bedroom door closed as the tears began to fall.
"God's plan," I uttered under my breath. "What the hell is he talking about?"
Diving beneath the bed, I slid out the small, wooden chest with the pink ribbon tied on top. I could feel my body begin to relax just at the sight of it. Just being close to it, no matter how tragic its contents were, gave me a brief respite from the world. Just opening it, reminded me that there was once a little princess inside me.
Lifting off the lid, I ever so carefully placed it on top the bed. The smell of newspaper ink and lavender hit me and a tear fell inside, slightly smudging the ink of the headline I'd read a thousand times.
NEWLYWEDS IN HEAD ON COLLISION - TWO DEAD
I placed the page face down and turned to the next one.
TRAGEDY AS YOUNG NEWLYWED LOSES UNBORN CHILD
Neatly folding up the papers, I placed them beside me.
Not many people knew it but I was pregnant when I married Arthur. In fact, it was one of the main reasons I had agreed to the marriage in the first place. Two months after our wedding day we'd received the news we were waiting for. The ultrasound revealed we were having a girl and we'd both shed a tear of happiness as the nurse relayed the news.
"You'll make terrific parents," she beamed. "I can see that already."
Two months later, we had the nursery painted pink and the crib built. I'd been hanging the lavender colored curtains when Arthur entered the room.
"Woah, you shouldn't be climbing chairs in your state!" he gasped and rushed over to help me.
"I'm fine! I'm pregnant, not dying."
He smiled and looked at the eyelets in the fabric, fingering the tiny holes as he wondered how we should hang them.
"Wait, the fittings are wrong. We need different clasp. Look."
He thrust it at me and I shrugged,disinterested in the specifics of curtain fitting.
"I wanted to head over to the store anyway. I'll pick up some new ones," he said. "How about you come too and we'll head for ice cream after. You still craving raspberry ripple?"
"Always!" I groaned. "Can't get enough of it."
Minutes later I was waddling down the drive and trying to fit my enormous belly into the passenger seat with my swollen ankles struggling to hold my weight.
"I feel like I'm the size of a cow," I’d moaned and he laughed as he patted my tummy.
"A sexy cow," he corrected me.
Despite the warm spring temperature, it had been a foggy day with the cloud lying low over the highway.
"Shouldn't you slow down?" I asked nervously as I gripped my fingers around the seatbelt. "We can't see two feet in front of us."
"Ah, the pregnancy panics again," he’d chuckled. "Please, don't worry about a thing. I've driven this way a million times."
A few seconds later there was the screech of tires on the tarmac and the world in front of me spun out of control. There was the crunch of metal, a disembodied scream and the crack of glass. When I opened my eyes there was a streak of crimson blood leaking in through the shards of the smashed windscreen. Two faces sat in front of me but I didn't recognize them. I blinked a few times before I realized they were dead. Then the stomach cramps began.
I blamed him for her death. How could I not? He knew he should have driven slower, been paying more attention, noticed that he was swerving onto the edge of the other lane. Not only had he killed his unborn daughter but he'd killed a young couple too. They were barely in their twenties, just a couple of college kids with their whole lives ahead of them.
But the fog, he always blamed the fog. The weather conditions meant that the courts ruled in Arthur's favor saying he wasn't at fault, but we all knew he was. No matter how much I tried to see it from his point of view, I couldn't reconcile his excuses with what I experienced. I'd shouted at him time and time again.
"You could have killed me! You could have killed us both!"
But he always had a response, an unwavering faith in God that explained everything.
"There is a divine plan for all of us. We'll see our little girl again someday," he'd say.
And I'd hurl the nearest object at him, a cup, a vase, a pillow. I wanted to hold him down and throttle him with my bare hands, I wanted to walk out and never see him again. But life is never so easy. There were times when I could have left but somehow changed my mind at the last minute and he always knew the right thing to say to make me stay.
"We'll have another child soon. I can feel it," he'd assure me and I'd believe it, grasping onto the promise that he'd get me pregnant again. Although this time I wouldn't stick around, I'd be out the door with my suitcase packed the moment those two pink lines formed across the pregnancy test.
With my hands inside the box of mementos, I touched my fingertips to the pair of baby shoes. They were a present from my sister, but they were never to be worn. I lay them back inside and placed the lid on top. Opening the box was like reopening a wound but somehow, I couldn't stop myself from peering in at the only reminders I had of my little girl.
A shuffling noise on the stairs broke me from my thoughts and I quickly slid the box back beneath the bed and dried my eyes.
"Honey?"
"What is it, Arthur?"
He cleared his throat and opened the door a few inches.
"Sweetheart, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Come in."
Perched on the edge of the bed, I pulled my dressing gown tight around me before falling onto my side.
"Have you been crying?" he asked as he sat beside me and rubbed my back.
His hand on me felt like nothing. There was no warmth, no electricity. It wasn't like when Sean touched me when even the slightest of contact send shockwaves over my skin.
"Of course I've been crying," I said.
He sighed and lay behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling the covers up over us.
"I'm sorry I don't understand what you're going through."
"But you should," I replied. "She was your daughter too."
"I have God to help ease the pain."
"God," I scoffed. "If he loved you that much he would have stopped you crashing the car."
His body stiffened and he took a sharp intake of breath.
"It's been a year," he said with finality.
"And?"
"And I think you should start to... move on. Start to recover."
I wiped my eyes with the corner of the duvet and buried my face in the pillow.
"I suppose you're right," I said. "Anyway, I better go to sleep. I have work
in the morning."
"It's still early," he said. "And we can't make a baby without... you know."
"I'm not really in the mood," I said.
But his hands were on me. His penis was prodding into the small of my back, short, hard and stumpy.
"How can you be turned on when I'm crying?" I moaned as I rolled over to face him.
"It's not because you're crying," he tried to explain. "I just love you so much."
He led my hand down the front of his boxer shorts and I tried to reel back, repulsed at the feeling of him. He grunted slightly and clenched his eyes shut as he started to move his hips to a steady rhythm. The smell of his sweat grew stronger. I held my other hand to my face and tried to pretend I was somewhere else. I imagined Sean was beside me, his arms holding me tight as he whispered in my ear. But no matter how much I tried to think of him, Arthur's groaning reminded me who I was lying next to.
"Sorry. I just can't do this," I blurted out and threw back the bed covers.
Infuriated, he thrust his hand down his underwear and began pleasuring himself.
"How could you leave me in this condition? Don't you want another baby in you?"
"You're disgusting," I spat and climbed out the bed. "You're just..."
Too angry to formulate an insult, I shook my head and fled the bedroom. Reaching my coat hanging on the banister at the foot of the stairs, I flung it on and stepped into my boots while yanking my car keys from the hook beside the front door.
Upstairs, the bed creaked and footsteps hurried across the landing.
"Paige?"
Ignoring him, I pulled the front door hard and stepped onto the wet gravel, my boots crunching down the drive as I rushed to the car. This is madness, I thought. I can't go on like this anymore. With the smell of Arthur still twitching at my nostrils, I tore out the driveway and headed for the highway.
I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. I just needed to get out that house.
For a long while, I kept my eyes focused on the darkness. The rain began to fall heavily, distorting my vision as it cascaded down the windshield. Eventually, I couldn't drive anymore and with no other cars on the road, I swerved onto the hard shoulder. The wind rocked the car from side to side. For a moment, I imagined I was on a sinking ship with the waves crashing over the windows. Then I wondered if the amount of rain could match the tears I'd shed for my little girl.
The clock on the dashboard said it was almost midnight. In eight hours, I was expected to be in the office but it seemed a lifetime away. How long were eight hours when you were having a breakdown?
Reaching into my coat pocket, I searched for my phone and knew I shouldn't do what I was about to. You're married, I told myself. You're unhappily married but that doesn't mean you're single.
Despite my better judgment, I tapped the emergency number for Sean's office and listened to the dial tone.
"Hello? Dr. Slater speaking."
His voice was groggy and deep.
"It's Paige."
He was silent for a moment. There was the sound of slippered footsteps shuffling across a carpet and a door opening and closing.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "I don't hear from you for years and then twice in the same day. Do you even know what time it is?"
He sounded angry but excited too.
"I'm sorry I just need to see you again."
His chair squeaked and I imagined him sitting in the sprawling splendor of his home office.
"I need to see you too," he said. "But not tonight."
"When?" I asked with an embarrassing hint of desperation.
"Meet me at my office tomorrow at eight. No one will be there yet."
"I'll be there."
On his end of the line, I could hear a muffled voice, the sound of a woman saying something I couldn't make out.
"I got to go," he said, changing his voice to sound more formal. "But we'll discuss this tomorrow."
I hung up with a heavy heart. Who was he with?
Chapter Four
The fire had burned itself out and only the dying embers glowed from the splinters of driftwood. Most people had passed out or gone home with only a few of us remaining around the perimeter of the bonfire. Despite it being summer, the chilled Atlantic wind was coming in briskly and whipped up my hair as I zipped up my hoodie.
Beside me, Sean was puffing contently on a cigarette, a slightly dazed look in his eye as he looked out across the black waves. Next to him, Una lay her head down on her backpack and closed her eyes. He patted her head lightly and smiled before passing me the second half of his cigarette.
"You've been quiet all night." he mused.
"No, I haven't," I protested, my words slurring slightly as the effects of the beer gripped my body. "Have I?"
He squinted slightly as though he was trying to see the answer in the vastness of the ocean.
"I don’t know. Yeah, maybe. You've not been yourself anyway."
Across the bonfire, a couple began making out and the girl was moaning loudly as her boyfriend thrust his hand down the front of her shorts.
"Ew," I grimaced. "Public displays of affection are gross."
Sean laughed.
"I think they're kind of hot. I mean what's not to like? It's like porn for free."
"It's the new millennium, Sean. Porn's free anyway."
He laughed louder and straightened his hat.
"You look cold," he said and took my hands in his. "Woah, your fingers are like ice."
It was innocent, but just the act of having my hands held by him felt electric. I smiled and tangled my fingers into his.
"There's that smile," he said. "I've been waiting for it all night."
I smiled wider, eager to please him.
"Hey, what about we go for a walk?" he asked and nodded down the beach.
Looking over my shoulder, I saw how the sand stretched out into the darkness. A few palm trees drifted in the breeze, their large leaves like tendrils reaching out from the black sands.
"Just us two?" I asked a little shocked.
"Sure, just us two. Who knows when it'll be just the two of us again."
I glanced down at Una who was now sleeping soundly.
"What about her?"
He looked down at her with a hint of sadness in his eyes.
"She'll be fine," he replied.
With our hands still entwined, we walked away, the overly amorous couple still moaning as they sucked on each other's mouths.
"He's almost wearing her like a snorkel," I said as we left them behind.
"She'll regret it in the morning," Sean said. "I heard he has a tiny cock."
"Heard from who?"I asked.
He tapped the side of the nose.
"I keep my sources confidential."
The smell of burning wood began to disappear the further we walked away. Soon there was nothing but the rushing sound of the waves and the smell of sea weed as it clung to the shore.
"It's beautiful out here, isn't it?" he asked.
"I never had you down for holding hands and long walks on the beach," I said.
He didn't respond but squeezed my hand tighter. There were a thousand unspoken words hanging in the air, an energy that was impossible to ignore.
"Sean? Is there something bothering you?"
He shrugged.
"You can tell me anything," I urged. "After all, we're almost like brother and sister."
"That's the problem. We're almost like brother and sister."
There was a strange look in his eye as he pulled his hand out of mine and stood looking out at the waves.
"I don't understand," I said as I leant my head on his shoulder.
He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair.
"You're off limits. Always have been. Always will be," he explained as he turned to face me. "I've always wanted you. Since the day I was brought into your house and we became family I've always wanted to love you but knew I ne
ver could."
"You can!"
I held his face in my hands and looked into his eyes, hoping if I stared hard enough he'd be able to see how much I truly loved him.
"But we can't do it," he said. "What would our parents say? You're my step-sister. We can't be together. And imagine what they'd all say!"
He flung his arm out in the direction of the bonfire.
"You think they won't bully us?"
"Who cares?" I said. "We're leaving them all behind. We're adults now. Our high school days are over."
"But what about Una?" he replied sadly and kicked at the stand. "She thinks we're moving in together once we reach Wantage. She's been telling all her friends she thinks we're going to get engaged."
My heart thudded wildly. Him and Una. Seeing them together always burned and never got easier, but I knew I couldn't claim him for myself.
"You're right," I sighed and sat down in the wet, cold sand feeling defeated. "Una is the girl for you. You two could move away and be happy together. She adores you, would make a great wife. I'm just the weird fucked up kid with the mental issues who can't go a week without making a mess of something."
For a second, the moonlight caught his features and I was afraid he was about to burst into tears. Then he pursed his lips and sat down beside me, our bare feet sinking into the muddy sand.
"It's a nightmare," he said. "Why can't relationships be easy?"
"I don't think they're easy for anyone," I said. "Look at our parents' marriages."
He gave me a wry smile.
"So what do you think we should do?"
He rested his head on my shoulder and wrapped an arm around me.
"I don't want to be a scumbag and cheat on Una but I can't stop thinking about you either."
Lying back and looking up at the clear sky, I noticed the Orion constellation and traced its shape with my finger.
"You really loved me since you moved in with us?" I asked.
He hunched over embarrassed and lifted his knees to his chin.
"Yeah. It's true... All the girls I'd met before were so boring, so normal and there you were in all your perfect weirdness with your strange taste in music and foreign movie posters."
I laughed and tickled the back of his neck.
"And I thought you were the most gorgeous boy I'd seen. Like something out of a boy band. Although, you know, I don't listen to those."
Best Friends To Lovers Romance Series: Complete Series Boxed Set Romance Page 3
