Her words trailed off as she looked at him, remembering how he’d worn this same suit and tie when he and Ritchie were given the commendation for bringing down the armed robbery suspect. Maybe she’d chosen it subconsciously for that reason, to remind everyone else, too.
He’d also worn it when they’d gone to his brother’s second wedding in New Jersey a few years ago. They’d brought the kids along but had hired a teenager who lived down the street from Mike’s parents’ house to watch them during the ceremony and reception. It was a spectacular evening. Jamie had bought a new dress for the first time in years, snapping up a bargain from a deeply discounted rack at Marshalls. It was a silky silver with a neckline that dipped down to skim the tops of her breasts, and she’d felt like a younger version of herself after she blow-dried and curled her hair, put on lip gloss and mascara, and slipped into high heels. The wedding was sweetly traditional, and as soon as it ended, everyone went to the reception at a nearby hotel. A band was playing and the air was soft and warm and drinks were flowing freely.
Mike had pulled her close for a slow dance, and they’d swayed together while Van Morrison sang “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You.” Mike had sung along in her ear in his deep voice that was surprisingly on-key: “Fill my heart with gladness, take away my sadness, ease my troubles, that’s what you do . . .”
But she couldn’t ease his troubles any longer. The only thing she could do was reach for her husband and hold on, feeling desperate to connect with him again. After a long moment, his arms enfolded her. She tried to concentrate on Mike, on his warm skin and his smell, but the thought entered her mind that maybe Ms. Torres had done all these same things on the morning of her son’s funeral. Maybe she’d picked out a suit for him to wear. Maybe she’d held what remained of him and had never wanted to let go.
Jamie would probably never meet Jose’s mother, but she knew their lives were inexorably twined, like the double helix of a strand of DNA. On days like today, and on the anniversary of the shooting, they’d be brought closer together before spinning off, each into her own private agony.
Mike pulled back, and Jamie felt a desperate, panicky urge to do something else for him—make him a nourishing lunch to bring along, maybe—but she forced herself to let go. She walked him to the door, feeling as if he was heading to an executioner’s. She wondered if the press would crowd around him as he entered the courthouse, or if any of his friends would show up.
Mike took his car keys from the hanging wall holder and slipped them into his pocket, then reached for his sunglasses. He patted his back pocket to make sure his wallet was in place, like he always did. She loved that habit of his. Sometimes she patted his behind for him and gave him a wink. “Just checking,” she’d say. Those lighthearted moments seemed so long ago. It was like trying to remember your life before you had children, she thought—the experiences were so divergent they were difficult to reconcile.
“I’ll see you tonight,” Mike said, his posture ramrod-straight.
J.H. had predicted Mike would be released on his own recognizance, but there was a slim chance he’d have to wear an ankle monitor. Jamie wondered what it would feel like, if it would itch and chafe and dig marks into his skin.
“I’ll be here,” Jamie said. Even though she couldn’t see his eyes behind his dark lenses, she tried to let Mike know with hers that no matter what happened, she meant for always.
•••
“I’m sorry I can’t give you more notice,” Lou said. “Things are just . . . you see, it’s a family emergency.”
“I understand,” the manager of the coffee shop said. Lou could hear the metallic whirl of beans grinding in the background. “No hard feelings.”
Lou thanked him and pressed the button on her cell phone to end the call. She’d spent the past few days finding co-workers to cover her shifts, so now all she needed to do was stop in to pick up her final paycheck. Jamie hadn’t asked her to quit, but Lou had known it was the right thing to do as soon as she heard about the looming indictment. She’d slipped away during the chaos of breakfast to give her notice.
She’d also left a message for her boss at the zoo asking for a few weeks off. She had plenty of accumulated vacation time, so she didn’t think it would be a problem. She was planning to stop by and visit Tabby and the other elephants every day or two, and she still wanted to be there to oversee the birth, but she was hoping the zoo could call in more volunteers and keepers to cover the feedings, exams, paperwork, and tours that Lou usually handled.
Now she went back into the kitchen, where Jamie stood at the sink, scrubbing the big cast-iron frying pan she’d used to cook eggs.
“Are you okay?” Lou asked. She’d heard Mike leave early this morning to meet with his lawyer before heading to superior court, but Lou had stayed upstairs, partly so he and Jamie could have privacy and partly because Eloise was draped across her legs, snoring. Lou had wanted to shift her off, but she knew from experience Eloise would be a terror if she didn’t get enough sleep, so she lay still. By the time the other kids began to stir, Lou’s back ached and her legs felt numb.
Jamie shook her head, and Lou could see her eyes fill. “It’s going to kill him,” Jamie said.
Lou put a hand on her shoulder.
“He doesn’t want me there,” Jamie said, scrubbing the pan harder even though it already looked clean. “I think it’ll make him more embarrassed or ashamed or whatever he’s feeling. It’s like he’s angry at me, like it’s my fault he’s getting indicted. I don’t know what he’s feeling! He won’t talk to me about it! And last night I couldn’t sleep, and I kept thinking about the stupid water bill. I forgot to pay it this month. So I got up at three A.M. and went online to pay it and then I made the mistake of doing a Google search about Mike.”
“You shouldn’t do that,” Lou said.
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Jamie said. “The comments section is the worst thing ever invented. A lot of people hate him, Lou. They really hate his guts.” She pressed her hand against her stomach and leaned over for a moment. “Then I started looking at apartments in New Jersey.”
“New Jersey?” Lou frowned.
“If the worst happens, we might have to move. Mike’s parents drive me crazy, but his brothers and sisters are okay, and that way we’d be around a lot of family and maybe we could even live with his parents so we don’t have to pay rent. I can’t have the kids suffer because of this. Everyone in school is going to be talking about it when they go back. I mean, high school’s tough enough without—”
Jamie stopped herself. “Henry,” she said. “Of course we can’t move. Christie is here. She’d never let us take him. What was I thinking?” She shook her head. “God! We can’t leave Henry.”
You can’t leave me, either, Lou thought, feeling her muscles tense. What would she do without Jamie and Mike and the kids? She wondered if the story written by the blogger had played a role in the prosecutor’s decision to try to indict Mike. It would be partly her fault if Jamie and the kids had to leave!
She felt like she was about to cry, so she changed the subject.
“Where is Henry?” she asked.
“Christie’s, for now,” Jamie said. “I thought it would be better for him to not be around today. And I found a baseball camp we’re going to send him to for a few days . . . it’s expensive but I think he really needs to get away. I know he’s absorbing a lot of stress.”
“That’s good,” Lou said. She tried to think of something concrete she could do to help. “Do you want to take a nap or something?” she asked.
Jamie shook her head. “I can’t,” she said.
Lou wasn’t sure why not—Jamie looked exhausted—but her sister seemed to need to keep moving. She was attacking the counters now, scrubbing them down like she was punishing them for something.
“I’m going to take the kids to the pool,” Jamie said, using he
r wrist to push her bangs off her face. “If I stay in the house I’ll go crazy.”
“What can I do to help?” Lou asked.
“If you could gather up the bathing suits, that would be great. They might be hanging on the back of the bathroom door, or maybe they’re on the floor by the washing machine . . . Shoot, Emily still needs a new suit. I meant to pick one up weeks ago. We’ll have to run by the mall on the way.”
“Okay,” Lou said.
“And we should stop by CVS and get some shampoo, because we’re almost out. There’s one in the mall.” She shook her head. “Mike’s going to be arraigned and a boy is dead and I’m going shopping for shampoo. What’s happening, Lou?”
Lou took in the rings of blue-black encircling her sister’s eyes, and the way her hands trembled. Suddenly Jamie dropped the sponge and put her hand on her stomach again and bolted. A moment later Lou could hear the distant sounds of retching.
“Is Mommy okay?”
Lou looked down to see Emily standing there, her big eyes staring up at Lou.
“Her stomach’s just upset,” Lou said. She didn’t know if Emily bought it; she was a bright kid.
“We should get her some ginger ale,” Emily said.
“Yeah,” Lou said. “That’s a good idea. She mentioned something about going to the store, so we can get some then.” She pulled Emily close for a hug, feeling her niece’s small, soft arms wrap around her neck.
“C’mon,” Lou said. “Let’s get ready.”
After she’d gathered up the bathing suits and towels, Lou tapped her knuckles gently on the bathroom door. “Meet you outside!” she said brightly. She managed to wrangle all the kids to the minivan and get them strapped in, keeping up a steady stream of chatter about baby cheetahs.
“Even when they grow up they don’t roar like the other big cats,” Lou said. “They’ll just purr when they’re bigger. And did you know they only need to drink water once every three or four days? They get liquid from their food.”
“I want a baby cheetah,” Emily said. “Can we buy one?”
“That’s dumb,” Sam said. “It would claw you to death.”
“I don’t want a cheetah to kill me!” Eloise wailed.
“Tell you what,” Lou said. “The zoo sells stuffed cheetahs. How about we go visit this week and you can pick one out to sleep with?”
“Me, too?” Eloise asked.
“All of you,” Lou promised.
Jamie came out of the house then, glancing around warily. Lou waved at her, hoping Jamie would know it meant there weren’t any reporters lurking. Jamie walked toward the minivan before shaking her head and doubling back to lock the front door.
“I can drive,” Lou offered. At Jamie’s grateful nod, she slipped the minivan’s keys out of her sister’s purse and started the engine.
“Can we watch a movie?” Eloise asked as Lou backed out of the driveway. “I want Nemo.”
“Nemo’s for babies,” Emily said.
Eloise began to cry and tried to hit her sister, but her car seat’s restraints prevented her from stretching far enough to connect. Emily leaned closer but still just out of Eloise’s reach and stuck out her tongue.
“Emily, that wasn’t nice. Say you’re sorry,” Jamie instructed.
“Sorry,” Emily said in a tone completely devoid of sincerity.
“You know we only watch movies on long car rides,” Jamie said. “This is a short one. You can listen to music.”
Lou reached for the radio dial.
“Just no news,” Jamie warned.
“Right.” Lou nodded. She found a Josh Groban song, and against all odds, all three kids fell silent and seemed to be listening.
Jamie looked at her watch and sighed. She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and clutched it tightly in her hand.
“You okay?” Lou asked.
“Just . . . wondering,” Jamie said. “What’s happening now.”
Lou didn’t know what to say, so she focused on driving. When they reached the mall, the parking lot was crowded, so Lou had to circle up to the second level before finding a spot.
“A bathing suit and shampoo, right?” she asked as she set the parking brake. “Need anything else?”
“Probably,” Jamie said. “Let me think . . . Maybe we can get some juice boxes and pretzels at CVS, too—I forgot to pack a picnic for the pool.”
“Okay,” Lou said. She was going to keep a mental list so Jamie didn’t forget anything. And the next time they went out for the day, she’d pack the picnic. Lou was good at remembering things—she knew the exact amount of nutrients the elephants required every day and she never forgot a single feeding or vitamin. She’d just never had to worry about keeping track around Jamie before, because her sister had always been the one to stay on top of things for both of them.
They corralled the kids toward the entrance to one of the big department stores, with Lou holding Eloise’s hand as Jamie led the way through the aisles.
They were approaching the kids’ section when Lou noticed the man staring at them.
He was thirty or so, white and with a stocky build. He sported a goatee and a blue baseball cap with a logo Lou didn’t recognize. He stood next to a woman who was holding an infant in a chest carrier, and she was looking at them, too. The woman averted her eyes when Lou glanced back at them, but the man kept staring.
“Can we get ice cream?” Sam asked, tugging on Lou’s shirt. Clearly he had identified her as the soft touch.
Lou turned away from the couple and looked down at her nephew. “Why don’t we hold off for now, okay, little man?” she said, thinking of how the junk-food bonanza at the zoo had ended.
“I think we’re in the boys’ section,” Lou said, pointing across the aisle. “The girls’ stuff is over here.”
As they turned to head that way, Lou noticed the guy again. She’d assumed he was with the woman with the baby, but now he seemed to be alone. And he wasn’t staring at all of them—he was watching Jamie. Lou looked back as they passed the man. She felt the hair rise on the back of her neck, and she reached for Sam’s hand. Physiological reactions were the body’s way of alerting itself to danger. Lou knew her pupils were dilating to let in more light, her muscles were tightening, and her blood pressure was rising. That was what happened to some animals if they sensed a threat.
“Let’s hurry,” Lou said. “We want to get to the pool before it gets too crowded.”
Her voice came out louder than she’d intended, and she saw the man shake his head. “The pool,” he muttered, barely loudly enough for her to hear. “Must be nice.”
Jamie hadn’t heard the man’s comment. She was flipping through a sale rack, holding bathing suits up for Emily’s inspection. They all looked the same to Lou, but Emily kept shaking her head.
“How about this one?” Jamie was asking. “It has sparkles.”
“Maybe,” Emily allowed.
Lou was still holding Sam and Eloise by their hands, and Emily was right next to Jamie. Lou couldn’t see the guy because he’d moved and clothing displays obscured her view. She kept scanning her surroundings, looking for that blue baseball cap.
“This one’s pretty,” Jamie said. “See the flowers?”
“Yuck,” Emily said.
Lou spun around at the sound of a man’s voice. She knew it was him before she saw the goatee and baseball cap. “Unbelievable. You’re shopping and going to the pool while that kid rots in his grave,” the man said.
Jamie froze for an instant, then slowly lifted her head.
For a fleeting moment, Lou wondered how he’d recognized Jamie. Then her instincts trumped her thought process. She stepped up next to her sister, positioning Sam and Eloise behind her and speaking in a calm, low voice, as she’d do if confronted with any other angry mammal. “We have children here,” she said.
“Yeah? The guy her husband shot was just a kid, too,” the man said.
“Mommy?” Sam’s voice was high and wavering.
“Can you get a manager?” Jamie called to a passing salesperson, her voice as desperate as Sam’s. “Please?”
“Oh, sure, call a manager,” the guy said. “Why don’t you just call your husband to come shoot me?”
Emily began to cry, and then so did Sam, their wails high and thready. Before Lou could do anything, she detected movement out of the corner of her eye. Jamie was stalking toward the man. Hearing her children’s cries must have ignited something in her sister.
“Listen to me!” Jamie hissed. She shook her finger in the guy’s face. She seemed to have grown physically taller, and her body language was fierce. “You leave us alone!”
Gone was the exhausted woman who’d hunched over her sink this morning. Jamie had transformed into a warrior. Now her arms were outstretched to block the man from getting through her to her children, and her expression made her look like a stranger even to Lou.
Without thinking about it, Lou let go of Sam’s and Eloise’s hands and stepped forward, too. Jamie had always defended her while they were growing up. Now it was her turn.
“Get away from my sister!” Lou shouted.
She angled herself between Jamie and the man so that if he attacked, he’d have to go through her first. Lou would fight him off as best as she could while Jamie and the kids escaped. She remembered the self-defense course she’d taken years ago. She’d go for his eyes, knees, instep, or throat. Lou widened her stance, so he wouldn’t be able to easily knock her down, and suddenly she felt grateful for every one of those twenty extra pounds.
The guy made a huffing sound, but he didn’t say anything.
“Lou, call the police,” Jamie said, without taking her narrowed eyes off him.
Lou pulled her cell phone out of her pocket. Before she could dial a single digit, the guy began to walk away, slowly, as if to convey to them that it was his choice to move on.
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