This Courage of Mine

by Amanda Bennett

  “Wait one second, Kayla. Um…there was one hiccup after the surgery. Cami can’t see very well out of her eyes. The doctor said not to worry just yet. He put some drops in them and put gauze over them to let them rest, so I guess we will see. But when we go back there, just try not to say anything about it. I don’t want her thinking it is more serious than we know right now.”

  “Thanks.” I watched as Kayla walked out to where Madison was sittin’. She didn’t have a very pleasant look on her face, and I knew that wouldn’t bode well for Madison.

  I walked over to get my coffee and decided to sit down next to Mike and talk to him. “You doin’ okay?” I wasn’t sure if we were at the stage in our newfound relationship that he would want to talk to me, but I figured I’d at least try.

  “Yeah, man. I’m doing good.” I could sense his hesitation.

  “Good.” I took a sip of my coffee to make the deafening silence a little less awkward.

  “Thanks, for this morning. I’m glad we finally got to work our shit out, ya know? It’ll be nice to talk to and see you both more often now that we are all on speaking terms.”

  “Yeah. I agree. I know it meant a lot to Cami that you came here. She’s my wife, and I just want her to be happy. I know she’s your little sister and I respect that, I really do, but I will always have her back no matter what. That girl in there means more to me than my own life. There’s nothin’ I wouldn’t do for her. I hope you understand that.”

  “I do now. I get it. I honestly think a lot of it was that I have never felt love like your guys’ love. I see the way you both look at each other and treat each other and I guess I got jealous. It’s no excuse for how I acted, but it’s the only one I got.”

  “I respect you for that, Mike. I kind of figured that’s what it was. But hey, we’re past it now. Let’s just move forward from here on out.”

  “You got it.” We both stood and gave each other a half handshake, half hug.

  “Aw, I’m so glad we could all work our differences out before all of this.” Cami’s mom sounded happy and relieved that we were all getting along.

  I went to find out what Madison and Kayla were doin’, what I wasn’t expecting to find was the two of them rippin’ each other apart. They hadn’t heard me come out, so I took the chance to listen in on what was goin’ on. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but these two were my good friends and I wasn’t about to let them fall apart on me.

  “God Madison, why can’t you just understand what I’m saying to you? I swear you never even listen to me anymore.”

  “So, what are you sayin’? You don’t want to be with me anymore?”

  “No Madison, that’s not what I’m saying. If you were listening you would have heard me say, if we are never going to get married then why are we even together. I tried not to bring it up or bother you with it, but now, seeing my best friend in the hospital after just having a tumor in her brain removed, well it tends to put things in perspective. You asked and I said yes because I couldn’t see myself with anybody else but you. I love you so damn much it hurts, but once Mia was here, it’s like I got put on the back burner.”

  “She’s our daughter, Kayla. What do you want me to do?”

  “It’s not a choice you have to make, Madison. You act like because you’re a father now and we have a daughter to take care of, that we can’t get married. That’s not how this works. You don’t put the rest of your life on hold just because you had a child. Don’t you think our daughter would want us to be married?”

  “That’s not what I’m sayin’ at all. I don’t understand how you can feel like I don’t want to marry you. Why would I have asked you in the first place?”

  Kayla threw her hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know!”

  “Kayla, I asked you to marry me because I’m head over heels in love with you. I have been since the day I met you. Marriage is just a piece of paper. I don’t understand why we have to jump right into it. I feel like we are married.”

  “Madison, if you can’t understand why I’m so upset about this, then maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

  I quickly hid behind a tree as Kayla came stompin’ towards me, luckily I moved quick enough that she didn’t see me. Holy shit, what was goin’ on with them? Never in my wildest dreams did I see this happening. They just always seem so happy. I guess it’s true what they say, you never know what someone else is goin’ through.

  Chapter 34

  Cami

  “I just don’t get him, Cam. I mean how could he not see why I want to get married? I swear sometimes I wonder if he even has a brain up there. Sorry, enough about me. Has the doctor been back in yet?”

  “No, and it’s okay. You can talk about all of that, it helps keep my mind off of all of this.” I made a circle around my face with my hand, implying that it was all just a big convoluted mess at the moment.

  “Oh honey, they’ll find out what’s going on. I promise.”

  “I know, I know. So tell me more. How is everyone getting along?” I was afraid to know the answer to that particular question, but I couldn’t think of anything else to talk about.

  “Surprisingly well, actually.”

  “You’re shitting me?”

  Kayla propped her feet up on the bed next to me. “No, I’m dead serious. Glenn and your brother are talking and getting along. Your mom and Glenn’s parents are just chattin’ away out there, and Joey and Glenn are even back to their normal selves, chasing each other around and calling each other names. It’s like any other day.”

  A small sigh escaped between my lips. “I just wish I could be around for all of it, ya know? Or at least see it.”

  Kayla grabbed my hand, tucking it under her chin. “Cam, Your eyesight is gonna be fine. I just know it.” Kayla stopped talking suddenly and I wondered what happened.

  “What’s wrong, Kayla?”

  “Nothing, I just had the best idea…ever! Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

  “Where would I go? I can’t even see, whore.”

  I heard Kayla laughing as she left the room, and I knew whatever idea she had, wasn’t gonna be good. She had her evil laugh going and that was never a good sign. I pushed my head back against the pillows as I waited, very impatiently I might add, for her to return. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long. I heard her bound into the room, with someone in tow. If anything, being blind had definitely heightened my senses.

  “Cam, this is nurse Amy.”

  “Hi, Amy.” I lifted my hand and waved in the general direction in front of me.

  “Amy is going to bend the rules for us a little bit. Aren’t you, Amy?”

  “Just a little.” She laughed.

  “Okay.” Kayla clapped her hands and I flinched at the loudness of the sound. “Let’s get this thing going. Amy, go ahead and go get what I asked for.”

  “Kay, what are you doing?” I had no idea where she was in the room, but I could faintly smell her perfume so I knew she was still around, somewhere. The room was completely and utterly silent and it was starting to make me stir crazy. I needed some sort of noise to keep me sane. I was just about to open my mouth to speak when I heard a whole bunch of footsteps coming towards my room. “What’s going on?”

  “SURPRISE!!” Everybody was here, in my room with me and even though I couldn’t see them, I could feel each and every one of their presences. I clutched at my chest as I felt the overwhelming amount of love in the room. My heart felt full again, full of life, love and best of all, hope. Before I could try and figure out where everybody was, someone grabbed my hand.

  “It’s your mom, baby girl. How are you feeling?”

  “Mom?” Tears began to fall, but I didn’t care. I was overjoyed to be able to have every person I loved and cared for so deeply, all in one room. “I’m feeling okay, Mom. Are you hanging in there?”

  “I am, honey. Don’t you worry about me.” She kissed my cheek, and then let go of my hand so the next person in l
ine could have their turn.

  “Next.” I joked, and everyone laughed along with me.

  “It’s my turn.” My brother’s voice was unmistakable. “Hey sis, you doing okay?”

  “I am. Thank you so much for being here, Mike. I’m sorry.”

  “Me too.” He whispered. “I love you, Cam Cam.”

  I laughed at my childhood nickname that Mia now called me. “I love you too, Mikey. He kissed my forehead as he held my hand to his chest.

  “Looks like I’m next.” I would know that voice anywhere.

  “Oh Nina, it is so good to hear your voice. How are you guys doing?”

  “Oh honey, we are doin’ just fine. Just takin’ care of Joey. We’re still waitin’ for him to get off of his lazy ass and get a job, oh and maybe move out one day. I guess a mom can dream, huh?”

  I laughed. “I have a feeling Joey isn’t leavin’ you guys anytime soon.” I smiled.

  “You’re probably right about that one.”

  “Hey, stop talkin’ about me like I’m not even here. It’s my turn, Ma.”

  “Of course it is, Jo. All right honey, you get some rest. We love you, Cami.”

  “Thank you. I love you guys too, Nina.”

  “Alright Jo, she’s all yours now.”

  “Love you too, Ma. What up sis? Man, this place is snazzy. Look at all the fancy shit in here. It looks like my mom and dad’s house.”

  “Jo, I think you’re forgetting something.”

  “Huh?”

  “I can’t see, jackass.” The room erupted with laughter and it was like music to my ears.

  “Oh yeah, sorry Cam. So what if you don’t get your eyesight back, then what?”

  “Jo, are you fuckin’ kidding me right now?” Glenn’s voice boomed through the room and then was right beside me. “You’re such an insensitive asshole. Get outta here.”

  “It’s okay, babe. That’s just how Joey is. I’m not mad. It was kinda funny. You need to calm down.” I reached out for his hand, unable to find it. I pulled my hand back to my stomach wondering why he didn’t want to hold my hand. I was just about to say something to everybody in the room, but we were busted. I could hear Dr. Thomas starting to chastise Amy the nurse, and I knew I had to say something.

  “Dr.Thomas. It isn’t Amy’s fault. It was my idea.”

  “No, it was actually my idea. I’m sorry Dr. Thomas, but Cami needed this. She needed to be around her family. She wasn’t in a very positive mood and I knew this would help. Please don’t punish Amy for helping us.”

  “Oh all right then, well now that everyone has had their time to visit, I’m gonna have to ask y’all to leave so I can have a word with Cami.”

  The room filled with sighs and whining on everyone’s part. “Dr. Thomas it’s okay. You can tell me whatever you need to tell me with them here.”

  “Are you sure?” I could hear the worry in his voice and I was suddenly second guessing my decision.

  “Well as long as you aren’t here to tell me I’m dying, then yes, they can stay.” The room fell silent and I knew they all thought I was serious. “I’m just kidding.”

  “Well, let’s take off these bandages and see how your eyes are doing.”

  I took in a deep breath, waiting patiently for him to remove each circle of gauze one at a time. I kept my eyes shut tight until he gave me the word. “Can I open them now?”

  “Yes.”

  I slowly cracked open one eye and then the other, all the while still holding my breath. The first thing that came into view was Glenn’s bright red t-shirt. It was all a tiny bit blurry, but I blinked my eyes rapidly as they tried to adjust to the light. After a few minutes of complete silence, I glanced over at Dr. Thomas. “I’ve never been happier to see someone in all of my life.”

  The entire room filled with sighs of relief and a bit of crying. I blinked again and then scanned the room that was full of every person I’ve ever loved in my life. I was completely relieved. I, probably out of everyone, was expecting the worst. Over the last couple of hours, I had been preparing myself for the bad news. I never expected the good news, and that being that I could see again.

  “Let me just do a few tests and then we can move you out of recovery and into your own room.” Dr. Thomas shined a bright as sin flashlight into each eye at least ten times. “Well, everything looks great. Your pupils are responsive and there seems to be no sign of damage or fogginess. I think you’re good.” He patted my shoulder and I smiled up at him.

  “Thank you, Dr. Thomas.” I said with tears in my eyes.

  “You’re very welcome. Okay, so now you’ll get to go up to your own room with a specialized staff that will help take care of you. I will be back to check on you tomorrow morning unless something happens before then. Other than that, expect to be a patient in this place for at least a week or more.”

  “Dr. Thomas, I have a few questions for you. Can you stay a minute longer with Cami and myself?”

  “Of course, Glenn.”

  “All right everybody, time to get out. Cami needs her rest anyways, but we need to talk to the doctor for a minute.”

  “I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming and being here. Now go ahead and get some sleep y’all. It is getting’ late. I’ll see everyone tomorrow.”

  “Good night, Cam. We love you.” Everyone shouted at once.

  Once everyone was gone, Glenn came over and sat next to me on the edge of my bed. “So doctor, when will she start radiation?”

  “I figured you two would have quite a few questions. We’re going to want to start radiation in about a month. As long as the swelling is down by then and everything is on the mend, then we can start. You’ll do about thirty rounds of that, and then we will do some blood work and another MRI and CT scan, and then we’ll go from there. If all goes well, that’s when we should find out if you are completely tumor free. What else ya got?”

  “What do we do about the whole havin’ kids thing?”

  “Well, my advice is to not even start trying for at least five years. You will most likely have some fertility issues, but you also can’t go on anything to try and help you get pregnant. I think for now, just try and stay focused on going through radiation and getting back to being healthy after all of that. That’s going to take a massive toll on your body and your immune system, so you want to stay focused on one thing at a time. But it is a five-year minimum before you can start trying. The good thing is Cami, you’re young so that makes anything possible. Okay? Do you guys have any other questions for me right now?”

  I shook my head as I looked up at Glenn who was squeezing my hand entirely too tight. “Ouch, babe.” I whispered so only he could hear me.

  “Oh sorry.” He loosened his grip and placed a chaste kiss to the back of my hand. “That’s all I can think of for now.”

  “All right, you two get some sleep. I’ll see you both in the morning.”

  “Thanks, doc.” Glenn slid down on the bed so he was now lying next to me. “I love you, my brave girl. You amaze me every day.”

  I smiled down at my amazingly supportive husband and kissed the top of his head. This was only one piece of the puzzle that was our life, and I was beyond relieved that we were on our way to completing it. My life, had I not met Glenn, would’ve been quite different I know. And though I ended up having a brain tumor, I wouldn’t change anything we have been through thus far. He was my world and without him, I don’t know how I would survive.

  Chapter 35

  Glenn

  4 Months Later

  “Cami, you almost ready to go? I shouted from the kitchen.

  “Yeah, almost. Why are you in such a hurry? My appointment isn’t until eleven.”

  “We have to make a stop first. So hurry your little ass up.”

  Cami came walkin’ into the living room a few minutes later. “I’m goin’ as fast as I can. Oh, I want some coffee.” She started to give me the pouty face, but I shook my head.

  “No coffee or anything to
drink before radiation, you know that. Now let’s get outta here.” I walked over and grabbed her hand, intertwining our fingers like I always did. We had to move a bit slower each time we went, but I didn’t mind takin’ my time with her. If it helped her conserve her energy then I was okay with it. It just meant more time for us to hang out later.

  Once we made it down the stairs, I swooped Cami up in my arms and carried her the rest of the way to the truck. I placed her inside and ran around the front. I glanced over at Cami and could tell that she was exhausted already. It was her second to last appointment for radiation, and I for one couldn’t have been more thrilled. She had been a trooper these past four months, and the finish line was in sight.

  I placed my hand on her knee that she was nervously bouncing. This was a new nervous twitch she had picked up, and she only ever did it when we were on our way to the hospital. I glanced over and looked at my beautiful wife as she stared out the side window at the world outside. She never ceased to amaze me. Even though she weighed about ninety-five pounds soaking wet, and her skin was pasty and her nails and hair brittle, she still made my heart skip a beat.

  When we started getting closer to our destination, Cami looked over at me, her eyes wide with excitement. “What’s that look for?” I implored.

  “Is it done?” She whispered.

  “I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.” I smiled as I continued to drive down the side road to our home. When we pulled up a few minutes later, I caught sight of a few people that I knew Cami was going to be extremely excited to see. “Close your eyes for a second, baby. And don’t argue with me.”

  “Fine.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stuck out her bottom lip.

  I pulled up into our new freshly paved driveway and put the truck in park. I got out and waved at everyone who was waiting by our front door. I tried to get Olivia and Mike out here, but they were planning on comin’ back to stay for a bit once Cami was done with radiation. Either way, Cami’s Texas family was here for this milestone, and that was enough for me. I opened the door and helped Cami down.