by B. B. Hamel
When we finish, he cleans me off. He washes me all over again, slowly this time, lingering on my skin and curves. I let him do what he needs to do, and when he’s done, I step out while he washes his hair.
I’m collapsed on the bed when he finishes. He comes out and joins me, lying on his back, arms behind his head again.
“I have an idea,” he says finally.
I look at him, one eye closed, face against the comforter. “Am I going to like it?”
He doesn’t look at me. “Probably not.”
I sigh. “Okay.”
He nods once, and we lapse into silence.
15
Julian
Dirty Sandcastle is just like I remember it: rundown and dangerous. It’s a squat building left over from the old days, back before developers realized the shore was a goldmine of tourism. The roof needs new shingles, the shutters need new paint, and the glass needs to be cleaned. Overall, it’s about the most intimidating-looking place in all of Avalon.
Which, of course, is the whole point. The guy that owns Dirty Sandcastle doesn’t give a shit about tourists. DS is entirely for locals, for the lowlifes and the lifers and the losers and the bastards. I know most of them, drank with most of them for years, back when I was fighting. It’s been a while since I’ve been in the DS, and this is probably one of the more dangerous places for us right now, but it’s a calculated risk.
“I’ve heard of this place,” Kay whispers as we step in the door. “Leo was always too chicken to come in.”
I chuckle softly. “Doesn’t surprise me. Pretty boy like him? Wouldn’t last a minute.”
Truth is, DS’s reputation isn’t exactly accurate. Sure, it can get rough in here on the bad nights, but those are few and far between. I can think of maybe three times DS got rowdy, and only once when there was an actual fight, but that was broken up fast. Truth is, the people that come here don’t want trouble. They come to DS to escape trouble, since their lives are full of enough of it already.
It’s half full at eight in the evening, and I head over to the bar. I don’t recognize the guy pouring the drinks, and he takes our orders with a curt little nod. He comes back with cheap whisky for me and a vodka cranberry for Kay, which she just sips but mostly swirls the ice around in the glass.
“Why are we here again?” she asks me, glancing around. I recognize a few of the guys here, but everyone’s studiously ignoring me. Smart people, they probably know about the bounty, but aren’t stupid enough to do anything about it.
“We’re here to see a friend,” I tell her.
“I know that, but why? I mean, what can he do for us?”
I shrug a little. “Alex is smart.”
I don’t go into details, because I really don’t feel like talking about Alex. There’s a history between Alex and me, a history that’s a million miles long. Not a romantic one, but a violent one.
Kay sighs and accepts that I’m just going to be cryptic tonight, damn it. She hunches forward on the bar and glances around her like someone’s about to stab her in the back, which isn’t an unreasonable feeling to have, given our present situation. For my part, I don’t bother looking around. I’m surprised Alex isn’t here yet, but patience has never been one of my greatest virtues.
After about a half hour, we order our second drinks. Groups come and go and nobody pays us any mind. I’m starting to get antsy, since the longer we sit, the more likely it is that someone will rat us out to Hunter. Eventually though, I get my wish, as the front door opens and shuts and Alex heads inside.
“There,” I say to Kay. “That’s Alex.”
She follows my gaze, back to a corner booth. Alex is sitting there, leaning back a little bit, chatting up the only waitress in the place. Kay lets out a breath.
“Holy shit. Are you joking?”
“Nope,” I say softly.
“I thought… you used to fight?”
“We did. She kicked my ass a few times.”
“She’s… she’s a girl.”
“Very astute, genius.”
She stares at me and I laugh. Alex is tall, a touch over six feet tall. I think she used to play basketball back in the day. She has thick, flaming red hair, wide, happy green eyes, and knuckles that can knock your teeth out. She’s ferocious and intense and a great fighter, although she’s never beaten me, she sure as fuck has tried.
We were friends for a long while. It’s hard, fighting all the time, and Alex is one of the few people that really gets it. She’s tough as nails and beautiful, and everyone knows her on this damn island. I’ve never fucked her, never wanted to. She’s not really my type. But I used to consider her my closest confidant.
“You two ever…?” Kay trails off.
“No,” I say. “We were just friends.”
“Not anymore?”
“Not anymore,” I confirm. “We had a falling out.”
“What sort of falling out?”
“I refused to fight her and got out of the business entirely, and she thought I was being a little bitch ass pussy, her words.” I shrug a little. “Things got heated, we didn’t talk for a while.”
“Why would she help us then, if things ended bad between you two?”
“Because she’s a good person.” I stand up slowly. “And she fucking hates Hunter more than we do.”
Kay stares at me as I cross the room toward Alex. That flaming red hair and those big green eyes slowly turn toward me, and she does something I don’t expect. She smiles, and she laughs.
“Holy shit,” Alex says, standing. “Julian. I thought you’d be dead by now.”
“Hard to kill me. You know that.”
She grins and we embrace. It’s short, but it tells me everything: no hard feelings. We break apart and I feel Kay at my side.
“Alex, this is Kaylee,” I say, introducing them.
The girls shake and smile and say hello but there’s an edge behind Kay’s eyes which makes me grin. I like a little jealousy in her, shows me there’s still a spark.
“Guess you’re here to talk,” Alex says, gesturing to the booth. We slide across from her.
“I assume you heard.”
“Heard? Shit, it’s the only thing people are talking about. Bounty down on the great Julian’s head.” She snorts a little. “Guess I’m not shocked.”
“Not shocked?”
“The way you lived? Fast and loose? Sooner or later, it was gonna catch up to you.”
I sigh. She’s not wrong, but it’s catching me in a way I never expected.
“We need your help,” I tell her.
Alex glances over at Kaylee. “This is her, huh?”
“Yep, this is her.”
“Not what I expected.” Alex clicks her tongue and leans back, crossing her arms. “Now why the fuck would I help a little bitch ass pussy like you, huh, Julian?”
I grin at her, not losing my cool. I put a hand on Kay’s thigh under the table to steady her as Alex picks at her perfect white teeth and watches me carefully.
I lean forward, talking in a low voice. “Because you hate Hunter as much as I do, or did you forget?”
Her eyes narrow. “I don’t forget.”
“Good.” A grin splits my face. “I plan on killing him.”
She arches an eyebrow, clearly surprised. “I figured you’d just run, or maybe pay him off, or… I don’t know. But kill him?”
“He won’t let me go, not for anything, not when he’s made up his mind. You know that.”
She grunts, shifts in her seat. “Guess not.”
“You remember what he did.” I don’t let her discomfort stop me.
“Of course I fucking remember,” she snaps at me. “You weren’t there, so you don’t get to fucking talk about it.”
I nod slowly, putting up my hands. “I’m not the enemy here, Alex. We both want him, but I can’t get close.”
“You think I can?”
“I know you can, sweetie.”
She grins at me. “Call me th
at again, I’ll rip off your balls.”
“Sounds like a fun night.” I wink at her and she laughs despite herself.
“God damn, Julian. Even. Talking about killing the richest, most powerful dickbag in the whole damn state and you’re still fucking around.”
“Guess that’s the kind of guy I am.”
I feel Kaylee shift next to me. She’s been silent this whole time, but I can feel her eyes drifting between me and Alex, almost feverishly. I want to tell her to relax, warn her that she better not scare Alex off, but it’s too late for that.
“Okay then, big guy,” Alex says after a short pause. “You wanna murder that bastard? I’ll help you pull it off.”
I grin huge. “You’re the best.”
“Where you staying?”
I laugh a little. “You’re not that great. I’ll call you. Same number?”
“Same number,” she confirms.
“I’ll brainstorm some ideas, you do the same. Talk to you in a couple days. All right?”
“All right,” she agrees.
I nod at Kaylee and we slide out of the booth. Better not stay around any longer than we have to.
As we go to leave, Alex’s voice cuts through the din of the bar.
“Oh, and Julian?”
I look back at her. “Yeah?”
“I want to do it,” she says seriously. “I want to see the bastard die, and I want him to know it was me.”
I nod slowly. “You deserve it,” I tell her.
“Damn right I do.” She’s fierce and angry, but takes a breath. “Two days.”
I nod again, take Kay’s hand, and walk out of there. We walk fast, hurrying away, and for a second I worry about Alex, worry about pulling her into this. But she’s a big girl, she knows what she’s doing. She knows how dangerous this is.
Kay’s quiet as we walk back. I don’t try to push her. She’s in the deep end now, in the real shit. We’re planning on murdering someone, a real shitty person, but murdering him all the same. She’s seen one death recently, and I wonder how she feels about another.
Doesn’t matter. There’s only one way out of this, and it’s either us or him.
16
Kaylee
The further we get from that bar, the more Julian’s words keep ringing in my ears.
We’re going to kill him. We’re going to murder a man.
The further we get from that bar, the more it bothers me. It’s a nice night out, the stars are out in force, but I can’t seem to enjoy it.
I glance at Julian but he’s lost in his own thoughts. I keep seeing Leo, dead in the sand. I never loved Leo, I didn’t even particularly like him, but I didn’t want to see him dead. I never would’ve chosen that for him or anyone. Now we’re talking about murdering a man I don’t even know, and…
I know this is stupid. I know that Hunter would kill us the first chance he got. That bastard is a psychopath and doesn’t care about humans at all. We’re probably just bugs in his mind, there to squash and play around with. I don’t want to get squashed any more than anyone else does, but I also don’t want to kill, either.
“Julian?” I break the silence as we’re halfway back to the motel.
He looks at me. “Yeah?”
I bite my lip. “I was just thinking.”
He stretches a little bit, and I feel like there’s a gulf starting to open up between us. “Thinking about what?”
“Hunter. And the plan.”
He shrugs, a slight movement of his shoulders. “Don’t see how we have any other choice.”
“Do we… do we need to kill him?”
That seems to come as a surprise. Julian stares at me and stops walking. We’re a few feet from a concrete bench on the side of the road. I can hear the ocean maybe two blocks away, and we’re drenched in shadow. The nearest street light is another block on either side.
“Are you going soft on me?”
“It’s not soft to not want to murder someone.”
“Right,” he says softly. “Except Hunter is a fucking psychopath that will stop at nothing to make sure we’re dead. And you want to… what, bargain with him?”
“If we can.” I make a face, shaking my head. “I know this is stupid. I know he wouldn’t think about this for a second if our positions were switched. It’s just…” He’s staring at me, and I know I have to make my case. His body is tense and there’s that stain on him, that darkness I’ve noticed before.
“I’ve seen enough dying already. I keep thinking about Leo, bleeding out in the sand, his eyes wide open, like staring at me, like I could help him. I didn’t love Leo or even like him but I don’t think he should’ve died like that.”
“Leo tried to kill me,” Julian says softly.
“I know, you did what you had to do.”
“You don’t understand. I didn’t mean to kill Leo, that was a mistake. But Leo would’ve killed me. He would’ve done it without a second thought.”
“Maybe.” I feel so exasperated, angry, frustrated. It’s this whole situation, all this garbage. “But I’ve been in this drug-addled haze for so long, and I’m finally thinking clearly. Killing people isn’t something I’m okay with, it never was before the drugs. It can’t be now if I want to… if I want to keep myself.”
He narrows his eyes but he doesn’t respond right away. I feel dizzy, almost like I’m about to float away, my skull an over-inflated balloon.
But I know I’m right to stand up like this, just like I know Julian’s right to push back. It’s kill or be killed or at least that’s how we’re looking at it. Hunter won’t stop but maybe we can break the cycle and find another way, a better way.
“I don’t know if you’re going to get that,” he says softly. “You may need to start getting used to the idea that we have to kill or get killed.”
“There has to be a better way. I want to be better.” I feel like I’m pleading but really, all the bad shit I’ve done is flooding back at me and I’m practically drowning.
I lied, cheated, stole. I broke into houses, took things that didn’t belong to me, maybe even ruined lives. I cost people a lot of money all because I wanted more fucking drugs. I slept with Leo, basically gave my body away, all for another fix. I hurt people, stabbed a guy once during a messed-up drug deal. I didn’t kill him, but I hurt him pretty bad. I did worse when I was staying with the anarchists, back before Leo.
This feels like a turning point for me. Julian got me sober but now I’m about to go down a dark path, and I want to run away from it. I want to be better.
“There’s no better,” he says, stepping close to me. “You get that, right? There’s no getting above this, no being good. We either kill Hunter or he kills us. You want to be better? You can rot in the fucking ground and be better.”
I stare at him, surprised at his tone, both angry and forceful. He steps closer, grabs my arm.
“I’m not letting you get yourself killed,” he growls. “You hear me, Kay? I’m not fucking this up. I’m keeping you alive, no matter what.”
“No,” I say, shaking my arm loose. I step back from him. “You don’t get to control what I do, you know that?”
He glares at me. “Test me. Go ahead.”
“No,” I say again, shaking my head. “That’s not who you are.”
“You don’t know me.”
“Maybe, but do you really want to go down this path? Do you really want to be this person?”
He stares at me. “You don’t know what I want.”
“I guess not.” I turn away from him. “Just leave me alone then, killer. Go murder someone, I don’t care.”
I storm away from him like a stupid child. I feel dumb and immature and angry, my emotions all swirling around me, but I don’t look back. I control myself enough for that, at least, and I don’t hear him coming after me.
This might really be it. He might really let me go now, let me run away, and in this moment I think I might actually do it. I turned back once because I was afraid
I’d start using again without him. Now I’m afraid he’ll drag me down into a deeper, darker whole than heroin, and I won’t let myself go there. I won’t let myself become that person.
I walk away, mind clouded with fear. I head toward the ocean, called by the waves breaking against the sand. It’s dark as I approach it, walking up the thin path between dunes. The beach is wide, cool, and empty. I kick off my shoes and pick them up as I walk across the open expanse toward the water.
I breathe deep, salt in my lungs. The moon is wide, casting silver reflections off the moving waves, making undulating patterns in the surf. I stop just at the edge of the water, letting the cold ocean wash against the top of my toes. I curl them down into the wet sand and take another, deeper breath, and slowly let it out.
I’m not a killer. And I don’t think Julian is, either. He told me he quit fighting, was trying to get his life back together. He got sucked back into it but I don’t think that makes him a bad person. This situation is impossible, and he’s doing his best to get through it. There’s that darkness deep inside him, buried deep down beneath whatever makes his personality what it is, and that stain scares me. It shouldn’t, but it does. I wish I could be stronger, when really I’m just a coward, afraid of what I might become if I let him do what he has to do.
He’s doing it for me. Those are the words he’s leaving unspoken. He’s doing it for me because otherwise, I won’t be able to survive. I bet he could run and get away, fight off anyone that comes for him, but he knows I can’t. If we run together, it’ll be a life of fear, always looking over our shoulders. He can’t keep me perfectly protected at all times, as we found out the other day. He’s willing to kill to end all this, and he’s willing to do it for me.
I just don’t know if I’m willing to let him.
I sigh and turn away from the ocean. I stormed off like a child throwing a temper tantrum, but he deserves better. I need to go back and talk to him, maybe convince him to agree with me. If he refuses, well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I really will leave for good, and I’ll try to absolve him of any guilt he might feel.
