by Lisa Heaton
John stood looking out at the night skyline, thinking about Chelsea. Recalling how fascinated she was in Sydney looking out at the lights glowing in the evening sky, he knew she would be just as awestruck with the view before him. He was standing in what would soon be his apartment. The afternoon he arrived in New York, he went with a real estate agent to look at several properties. Having recently accepted a board position at an asset management firm he had invested in, he decided he’d rather have his own place when he was in town. He made his decision to purchase the apartment since he enjoyed the comfort of being with Chelsea at her condo much more than when they stayed at a hotel while traveling. He wanted them to have their own place in New York as well.
His present thoughts were in direct opposition to those he had a few days before when leaving L.A. At the time his mind was in a tangled mess over what to do about Chelsea. Over and over he chided himself for allowing them both to get into such a complicated situation. He knew better, but in his arrogance, he thought he was beyond falling for any woman, let alone a twenty-three year old college student. That was exactly what had happened though, and he grasped the depth of his affection for her the night she found her piano waiting. There was something about the emotion she felt while she played and the gratitude she showed. He was moved so deeply, he could hardly keep himself from telling her how much he loved her. If he said it, though, he knew that walking away would be all but impossible. And then there was that secret hope he thought he found in her sad expression that truly sent him reeling.
For the next few days, he seriously considered ending their arrangement early. Her classes were already paid for, and he would certainly allow her to remain in the condo until school was over, or for however long she needed it. He was, for that brief time, certain that walking away sooner rather than later would be better for them both in the long run. No matter what she said about not thinking about the future and simply enjoying their time together, he’d come to realize that would be impossible for him. He could hardly look at her without thinking of what April would mean for them both. It was a source of tremendous turmoil and regret.
Since arriving in New York, though, and having a few days to miss her again, he admitted to himself that he couldn’t possibly let go of her so soon. That familiar burning sensation in his chest surfaced almost immediately, even before he got off the plane. Knowing he’d intentionally left her behind, and sensing she knew it too, he regretted his decision to fly to New York alone. He could hardly get the idea out of his head that her feelings were hurt, but she was keeping it to herself.
While apartment hunting, he wished she were there to help him make the decision and offered to send the plane for her. She refused, saying there was no need for that and she’d just let him choose. When settling on two that he liked, he sent photos to her asking her opinion. She liked the architecture of one better and he liked the location of it, so he agreed to buy it. He looked forward to bringing her to see it. With school three weeks away, he knew they would have time to fit in some travel, and the first place he would bring her was to New York. He could hardly wait to show her the night skyline from their new apartment. Smiling to himself, he took note that he considered the apartment theirs already. Very likely, he was in much bigger trouble than he even knew.
He’d not spoken with Chelsea since early morning. Since then, he’d been tied up for much of the day. He texted her once at lunch and was surprised that he never heard back. Deciding to call later in the afternoon, he became concerned when it went straight to voicemail and she never returned the call. Because of her discernment, he was convinced she knew he left without her on purpose. It was nothing that she said necessarily, but he felt it when they did talk. There was a noticeable hesitation when she gave her opinion about the apartment, as if she were commenting on something that she sensed shouldn’t matter to her. Anxious to get back home and smooth things over, he had canceled his final meeting the next morning and planned to fly out first thing. With the time difference, he’d be home before she was out of bed.
Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he decided to try her once more. His text read: B: the night skyline. W: seeing it without you.
Chelsea heard her phone chirping somewhere nearby. Locating her purse, she tried to reach it but couldn’t without intense pain radiating throughout her chest. Finally, calling the nurse’s station, she asked if someone would come and get it for her. As she waited, she wondered if it was John texting her. Earlier, after being assigned a room, she’d intended on calling him and telling him about the accident, but soon after getting settled in, she fell asleep and slept for hours. Whatever they’d given her in the emergency room had completely knocked her out. Even then, she felt groggy, like she could sleep for hours more.
Once she had her phone, she texted in reply: Best: I’m okay. Worst: The car is totaled. Sorry.
She’d barely hit send when her phone rang. Answering, she whispered, “Hello.”
“What happened?” John’s heart was pounding so hard, it was nearly audible. Hearing her voice though, knowing that she was indeed okay, he sighed heavily, regretting again his decision to leave L.A. without her. A feeling of guilt swept over him. Why’d he been so stupid?
“I was hit going through an intersection.”
Moving already to the door, he asked, “Were you injured?”
“Yes.” Such obvious concern in his voice caused tears to spring to her eyes and roll down her cheeks. No matter how distant he acted recently, she was certain his feelings for her ran deep. Not once in the past days had she considered that he didn’t care for her. Just as she did, he cared too much. That certainty caused her to cry harder, but she tried to do so quietly so that John wouldn’t hear.
“Where are you now?”
“In the hospital.”
Realizing she was injured badly enough to be admitted to the hospital, John picked up the pace and began racing for the elevator.
“Why are you whispering?” Pounding the down button repeatedly, he considered using the stairs until he heard one of the elevators approaching his floor.
“There’s someone in the bed next to me sleeping.”
From there, John got the details of where she was, assuring her that he’d be home right away. After a minute more, she was sleepy enough that she said she had to hang up. His first call was to Irene with a long list of instructions. Next, he called to have the jet made ready for an immediate departure. He never went to his hotel to pick up his bags. Irene could handle that in the morning. Finally, he called his mother and asked her to begin praying.
Boarding the plane, John sat quietly and waited for take-off. The only words that came were, “Dear God, please let her be okay.” Over the next hours, he would repeat that same prayer countless times, often wondering what he would do if he lost her. What if he arrived and the worst had happened? As many times as the frightening thought crossed his mind, he would pray again, begging God to watch over her. It was during the latter part of the flight that he came to realize he didn’t want to live without her, even beyond April.
Chelsea woke to a room full of strangers. Most were in white coats or scrubs, but finally she saw Irene. “What’s going on?” It was then she noticed she was in a different room and had a foggy recollection of being rolled down a series of corridors. It was a blur, but obviously not a dream as she thought at the time.
Moving to her bedside, Irene lightly touched Chelsea’s arm. “These guys are going to make sure you get better soon.” Immediately after hanging up with John, Irene arranged for a private room for Chelsea. Next, she had some of the best doctors in the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center brought in. John was insistent that she be checked thoroughly to make sure the ER didn’t miss anything. Then Irene arranged for a private nurse to remain in the room. Once she arrived and saw Chelsea for herself, she was to call John every half-hour with an update. Her first call was the most difficult. Relaying how bad Chelsea looked was something she dreaded, but she wanted
him to be prepared for what to expect when he arrived. Fortunately, Chelsea looked worse than she actually was. By all accounts, there was no explanation for how minor her injuries were considering the severity of the crash.
“Is John coming home?”
“Yes. He’ll be here soon. You just rest now.”
“I never meant for him to cut his trip short.” Turning away, Chelsea began to cry.
Stroking Chelsea’s arm, Irene assured her, “Chelsea, surely you know he would be nowhere else if he knows you need him.” Irene knew something was amiss between them. Prior to John leaving, she could sense something was different about him. Since being with Chelsea, he was happier than he’d been in a decade, so his recent shift in mood was noticeable to her.
“I’m okay. I don’t need him.” That was a lie and she knew it. She needed him desperately, but she didn’t want him to come simply because he felt obligated. The last thing she wanted was to be with him and feel that same sense of distance between them as when he left.
By that point, the room had cleared, each doctor going off to make whatever assessment they could based on examining Chelsea. Taking advantage of the moment alone, Irene said, “You need someone. Would you like for me to call your parents?”
“No, don’t do that. They’ll only worry.”
“I think they would want to know.”
“I know, but my mom will feel the need to come, and my sister just had her baby. She needs to be there with her. I’ll be okay, really. The doctor said so.” Insisting she remain overnight for observation, the doctor in the emergency room said it was a miracle she was alive. Amazed, the ambulance driver told the doctor the extent of the damage to the car and said he could hardly believe Chelsea lived through it. From the moment she heard that, she knew it was God. He had something planned for her, and all she could do was thank Him for giving her more time. Even in that moment, her thoughts were of John. She wanted more time with him, to make him love her. In the past days, she’d begun to doubt that would ever happen though.
Irene’s phone vibrated. Seeing it was John, she stepped away from Chelsea’s bedside.
“I’ll be there in under an hour. How is she?”
Irene stepped out into the hallway. Speaking sternly, she warned him, “She’s pretty upset right now. I don’t know if she wants you here. Whatever you’ve done, you’ve done it big!”
Leaning up in his seat, rubbing the course stubble of his chin, he hung his head and sighed. “I know.” He felt nauseous at the thought of hurting Chelsea as he had. “Trust me, I know.”
When John stepped into the quiet room, Irene stood and met him at the door. “She’s been asleep for about an hour. The nurse has constantly monitored her vitals and things are stable. I think you can let the nurse go. Chelsea really is much better than she appears right now.” Grabbing John’s forearm, she said, “Just before she fell asleep, she was asking when you’d arrive. I’m glad you came. She will be too.”
“Thank you for being here with her. I should’ve never left without her.”
“You can fix this.” Irene patted his arm and moved quietly through the doorway.
Releasing the private nurse, John sat close to Chelsea’s bed and looked at her swollen face. The left side was swollen nearly beyond recognition, with cuts and scrapes running from her ear to her chin. The right side was not nearly as wounded. Her left arm was in a sling, and from what he had been told, a broken arm and broken ribs were the extent of her injuries. The word miracle had been used and he believed it. Since that first moment he learned she was in an accident, he’d done little else but pray, even while acknowledging the hypocrisy of his prayers. After not praying for decades, once he really needed something, he went running to God, feeling more helpless than he ever had in his life. John couldn’t help but wonder what God thought about that and found it difficult to believe He would answer a prayer from someone who had been MIA for so many years. But there he was, with all the money in the world, yet helpless to make Chelsea well. Just as it was with Tracy, no amount of money could buy life. Only God could give it, the God who John had checked out on years before. The entire flight John feared God would teach him a lesson about who was truly in charge.
When Chelsea began to stir, he moved in closer and kissed her right cheek softly. “Hey, baby.”
Upon seeing his face, especially the tender look in his eyes, she couldn’t hold back another round of tears. Sniffling, Chelsea cried, “I’m so sorry.” Maybe the medication she was being given was making her so emotional. Beyond that, she could hardly understand why she had cried so much throughout the day. Every time she was awake, she cried.
“What are you sorry for?” Her left eye was swollen shut and her right eye was barely open enough for her to see him. He gently moved her bangs out of her eyes.
“For crying. That you felt you had to come home early.”
“Of course I came.” John felt on the verge of tears himself. He’d give anything if he could just take back the past few days. Taking a moment to compose himself, he finally admitted, “I should’ve been here. You should’ve been with me.”
“Did you leave me behind on purpose?” She knew the answer but needed to hear him say it.
Taking her hand, he lifted it to his lips and kissed her palm. “Yes, and I’m so sorry I did.”
She tried to turn away from him, but even the smallest movement hurt too badly, so she instead closed her one good eye to block him from her view. Though it should have come as no surprise, to hear him admit it hurt her deeply. It was only then that she realized how one sided their relationship actually was. Prior to that, she truly held out hope that he would love her someday, even suspected that he already did. She’d obviously been wrong.
When she wouldn’t look at him he found he could hardly blame her. “Chelsea, this scares me to death. I’m so afraid of what’s happening between us.” He was gently rubbing her fingers, realizing for the first time just how delicate they felt in his. In that moment, with her so battered and bruised, she seemed vulnerable in a way she never had before.
“If you want out, say so.”
He would never be dishonest with her, so he admitted, “While I was away, I honestly considered it.”
She began to cry again, silently this time, her shoulders shaking enough to cause deep and burning pain within her chest. Still, she refused to look at him. Hearing the scraping of his chair as he stood, she felt him hover over her, so she peeked her one eye open.
With his face very near to hers, he whispered, “Listen to me, Chelsea. I did consider it, but immediately I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. I want to be with you.” He kissed her cheek softly, then, moving his lips to her ear, whispered, “It just scares me that we’ve gotten to this place. How I feel for you scares me.”
“It scares me too. But letting go now scares me even more. You promised me the year.”
John trailed soft kisses along her cheek and to her lips. Finally, he promised, “I’m not going anywhere, baby.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she reached for him. Tracing her fingers along his face, she whispered, “I know nothing’s changed. We still expire on 4/19.”
While he didn’t dispute the fact, neither did he confirm it. His heart was in a far different place than when he signed his name to that contract. How could he ever let go of someone he cared for so deeply? In the past hours he’d come to believe he couldn’t possibly let her go, and was certain that he could never live life without her. Her accident gave him much clarity. Until he could think things through, though, he wouldn’t say anything either way. After so many years running from relationships and commitment, it wasn’t an easy step to consider.
Just a moment later, she drifted off to sleep. John spent the remainder of the night there by her side. She woke occasionally, and each time, he moved in closer, so she would know he was near. Quietly he made arrangements for his clothes to be taken to Chelsea’s house. Irene suggested a nurse to stay with her, but he ref
used. He would stay in the guest room for as long as she needed him.
During the hours of that night, he discovered something rather shocking about himself. He loved Chelsea more than he feared loving her. With no idea how to navigate their relationship, he decided he would figure it out along the way. Just as she said in Montana, he would quit thinking about it and simply enjoy being with her. After his time in New York and then the accident, he did learn one thing; he couldn’t possibly let her go, at least not yet.
Her first night home was the most difficult. Chelsea lay there in her bed desperate to go to the bathroom, but couldn’t bring herself to wake John. He’d had an air mattress delivered and was currently asleep on it in the floor of her bedroom. Finally, unable to wait any longer, she rolled gently onto her side, pain radiating through her ribs, and struggled to sit up.
John heard her begin to stir and woke immediately. Jumping up from his mattress, he went to her. “What are you doing?”
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?” She was so stubborn and hated to ask for help with anything. It drove him crazy.
“You needed to catch up on your sleep.” She knew he had missed an entire night of sleep and didn’t want to disturb him.
Taking her elbow, he helped her stand. She moaned as she stood, causing a sick feeling to settle in his stomach. “I’ve got you.” As gently as possible, he wrapped his arm around her waist and told her to put as much pressure on him as she needed. Once he got her to the toilet, he turned, saying, “I’ll be just outside the door.”
