by Lisa Heaton
“Tuck, I love her, and I can’t imagine life without her in it anymore. It makes no sense, but I love her like she’s mine. I know I’ve never had one of my own, but when I do, I can’t imagine loving that baby any more than Lucy. I have no right to ask this, but I’m begging you not to take her away from me, no matter my future or yours.” Her intention was of when he remarried someday, and she was certain he would, especially now that her future with John was set.
Rubbing his chin, feeling so completely overcome by emotion that he could barely whisper, he admitted, “It’s because of you that’s she’s even here. I know that.” Choking up, for a moment he could hardly go on. Remembering those hours of conversations with Chelsea when they were deliberating about him marrying Lindsey, Tuck had to acknowledge how tempted he was to choose Chelsea and how likely it was that he would have had it not been for her insistence that he marry Lindsey. By her insistence, Lucy’s life was spared. It was never Lindsey, or even him who gave Lucy life, it was God through Chelsea. At that thought he began to cry. Shame over his truest intentions back then reminded him that he would have chosen Chelsea.
When she stepped into him and circled her arms around his waist, he draped himself heavily over her and promised, “No matter what, she’s yours, too.”
John was sitting in the kitchen waiting for Chelsea. Once, he had looked out the front window to see them standing there together. Instead of seeing a rival man who loved his future wife, he encountered a young couple who looked as if they fit together as hand and glove. From his vantage point, he could only see Tuck’s face, and on it he read the deepest sense of rejection and sorrow. As her back was to the house, he could only wonder what Chelsea’s expression was. What he was certain of, was her love for him, so there were no feelings of jealousy stirring within him. Rather, he felt a sense of compassion for Tuck, something he would not likely be feeling had he not begun a journey with God. The old man he was would have stepped out onto the porch to, in some way, stake his claim. Such a thing wasn’t necessary, as Tuck had already demonstrated the kind of man he was by traveling to see him in the first place. Clearly his intention this day was not to win her but rather to figure out how to let her go. If not for Tuck’s visit, John realized he may never have come for her. In acknowledging that, he grasped the level of debt he was in toward Tuck. He owed him everything, absolutely everything. So John went back to the kitchen and sat and waited for Chelsea, reminding himself that she loved him more.
When she did join him at the table, John felt her sadness and could see that she’d been crying. Reaching for her hand, he assured her, “I see why you and Lucy are friends. That has got to be the brightest little girl I’ve ever met.”
All throughout the day Chelsea had considered their future together. Already John was planning a renovation over the garage for his work space, but Chelsea was finding it difficult to believe he could truly walk away from the company. Fearing he would change his mind and ask her to go back to L.A., she was clear about her feelings. “I don’t want to ever leave her, John. It’s important to me that we stay here.” The thought of walking away from Lucy caused her to cry again. For whatever reason, God had so enmeshed Lucy in her life that she couldn’t for a moment picture it without her. She didn’t even want to try.
“I have no intention of going anywhere. I made a commitment to your dad to live here. And we will.” Grasping her hand tighter, he pulled her toward him. She stood and moved from her chair to sit in his lap. As he held her to him, it was the first time he considered the fact that she, too, brought a fractured history into their relationship. As often as he regretted the amount of baggage he carried regarding Tracy and the memories of so many other women, he had, until that point, considered Chelsea’s past as something already overcome. That wasn’t the case though. Tuck would always be a part of their lives because of Lucy. And not that John resented that. He’d been sincere in his fondness of Lucy and grateful for her relationship with Chelsea. While not understanding the depth of their closeness until seeing them together, after his time with them that afternoon, it was burned deeply into him. Going forward, there would be a delicate balance between Chelsea’s past with Tuck and her future with him. And hanging in that balance was Lucy.
A sense of dread filled John’s chest when he considered the drive back to the farm. It was getting late, and he knew it was time to take Chelsea back to her parents’ house. Each night he dropped her off begrudgingly and then returned for her early the next morning. While she could have remained at the house and John simply slept in another room, they agreed it would not be appreciated by her parents, especially her dad. So each day they followed the same routine of playing house, only to let one another go when evening came. This night, they sat on the sofa, Chelsea snuggled in next to John with her legs draped over his lap and her arms looped around his neck. He could tell she was getting sleepy by the growing moments of silence between them.
Typically, she was chattering away about something, whether it be what they were doing in putting together his new office, or wondering what was going on with the wedding, which was only two weeks away. Sometimes it was just a matter of random topics, but always, she was talking. For a moment he thought maybe her breathing was becoming steady enough that she was falling asleep, until she whispered, “I want to be home for good.”
“That’s all I can think about.” Turning his head toward her, he kissed her, and as soon as he did, he felt that deep, almost painful, longing emerge once again. In that moment, even two more weeks felt unbearably long, too long to wait to make love to her. Never had he wanted anything more than he wanted her. Beyond what he felt when they were together before, his current need for her had created within him a sense of desperation. He’d spent the previous nights, wide awake, wondering what it would be like to have her lying there with him, in what would become their bed. Oftentimes imagining more than he should, he found his sense of yearning only growing stronger.
It was in those quiet hours alone that the Lord began to take him to deeper places. So far, in his new walk with God, he had pondered such things as servanthood, humility, and his desire to be better, but what God was currently teaching him were concepts way beyond his ability to fully grasp. As if a fog were rolling slowly away, revealing truth after truth, John was coming to view his relationship with God through the lens of his love for Chelsea. A phrase he read in a devotion book that Chelsea gave him sparked the earliest of such thoughts. Lust counterfeits love. Hours after having read that, laying there daydreaming of making love to Chelsea, the words came to mind in a startling manner. At first, as he considered their meaning, he felt wrong for having allowed his mind to go so far in his imaginings of her, as if maybe his desire for her in some way diminished his love. But then he sensed something more. He found it to be the beginning of going to that deeper place.
What he considered to be lust for Chelsea, going back as far as that night at the Santa Monica Pier where he felt so out of control in his need for her, was instead a sense of need beyond the physical. He had experienced a similar night in New York. In both instances, he felt a heavy weight upon him, and within him, that he knew could only be lifted by her presence in him and his in her. It was an intense longing to be complete, to be joined with her. Out of his tremendous love for her, all that mattered was that she became his, and not in the physical sense, but rather in her state of being. He wanted all of her.
Through this sense of desire for Chelsea, the Lord revealed His desire for him. All along, the Lord Jesus wanted nothing more than for him to be His – all of him. Day after day, year after year, as he was so far away, the Lord had that same longing for his return, that same painful longing that undoubtedly presented itself as a heavy weight. Imagining the God of all things experiencing such a yearning over his return caused an invasion of something new and life altering in John’s heart. It was that soul rattling revelation that truly opened John’s eyes to the depth and breadth of God’s love for him. Before that, it
was only a mental assent he’d given to the concept, but upon this new understanding, it became burned deep into his heart. His return to God was that ultimate completion he’d longed for all along, a spiritual need manifesting itself in his physical longings for Chelsea.
And the love John felt for Chelsea was merely a reflection, or the image of Christ’s love for him. John’s desire to provide for her, protect her, and be with her, was the picture of what God offered him all along. It was mind boggling to be sure. That was the unopened gift he’d carried around all those years. He received salvation but discounted the relationship. It would be similar to him marrying Chelsea but her refusing to be near to him or intimate with him. Such a thought, such a comparison grieved John so deeply that it caused him to weep there in the quiet night of the revelation. For most of his life, he’d withheld himself from the One who could actually give him that sense of “enough.”
Such thoughts caused his mind to nearly collapse under the weight of them. The deeper places with God felt strangely foreign. Spiritual concepts, ones such as he was contemplating, were overwhelming, yet exciting to him at the same time. This night, holding Chelsea close to him, he had a sense that going forward, his marriage to her would be yet another means God would use to continue to teach him about His love. As deep as John believed God’s love for him to be, he felt quite certain that he would continually come to know His love deeper still.
The Wedding
There could be no more perfect April day. It was bright and sunny, warm enough to be comfortable, but not hot enough to make being outdoors unpleasant. The nineteenth, the day they began, ended, and began again would forever be Chelsea’s favorite day of the year. This particular nineteenth was her favorite day of all.
Chelsea and all the women were in Lexie’s room getting ready. Somewhere amidst the chaos she was hearing on the other side of the bedroom door, John was anxiously waiting for her. He’d texted her dozens of times already, assuring her that her family, specifically the women of her family, were entirely crazy. Grinning at that thought, she agreed completely. Once, she asked if he regretted joining a crazy family, and he replied that he would have things no other way. Every text of the day began and ended with I love you, so she had to believe that his love for her could overlook a multitude of wedding insanity.
Since she was facing the front of the house, she could see dozens of cars parked all over the front yard. There in the mass of automobiles was her car, already decorated with white streamers and shaving cream. Preston had been the culprit, as she saw him earlier that morning out with his friends. That car would be her means of going home with her groom, and she smiled at the realization.
Surrounding her was her mother, Louise, Caitlin, Lexie, Lucy, and Macy. On a few occasions, her mother or Caitlin left to check on one detail or another, oftentimes seeming flustered. But as for Chelsea, she was as at peace as she’d ever been. At the moment, Louise was hooking the clasp on a string of pearls that had belonged to John’s grandmother. They were beautiful and meant as much to Chelsea as if they’d been her own grandmother’s. Many times already, Louise had cried. Just after they were engaged, Chelsea and John flew out to Montana so that they could tell them in person. Certainly not surprised, Louise and Claude both cried, finally certain their son would love and be loved for the remainder of his life.
Noticing how quiet Lucy was, Chelsea called her over and asked, “Since when are you quiet?”
Lucy smiled faintly and shrugged a little, saying, “Just since today.”
“Will you tell me why?” Chelsea moved a stray strand of hair from her face.
Lucy thought for a moment before leaning in and whispering where no one else could hear, “Once a girl gets married, can she still have friends?”
Taking on a mock serious expression, Chelsea assured her, “From what I can tell, that’s when a girl needs friends the most. I may need to grumble about my husband when he leaves his dirty socks on the floor or the toilet seat up.”
Giggling, covering her snaggle-toothed mouth, Lucy admitted, “My dad does that stuff. I will grumble about him.”
“It’s a deal.” Chelsea hugged Lucy to her, certain that God gave her the best friend ever when she needed one most. Lucy, as all of the wedding party, was dressed in a simple, pale blue satin dress. While each dress was distinct, having its own style and shape, the variety of dresses they chose blended beautifully together. Lucy had been so excited about her own dress, and especially the trip she was able to take with them to pick out her dress, that Chelsea had to wonder how her joy had been withstood at home. The thought of Tuck having to endure Lucy’s excitement caused a heavy sense of sadness in her heart.
As usual, when Tuck crossed her mind, Chelsea prayed for him, thanking God for leading him to go and visit John. She knew that for him, it was a great sacrifice, but in many ways, it was the release he needed. Since the night they spoke on the porch, she rarely saw him, and for a time, she knew that was what he needed. Even at church, he’d found a way to completely avoid her. Since John had been with her each Sunday, she could hardly blame him for changing to an earlier worship service. It was sad really, since they’d become so close again after her return home. She missed him and was quite certain he missed her friendship as well.
But having Lucy as a best friend, allowed her access to something significant happening in his life. A teacher at Lucy’s school asked Tuck to go to dinner one night, and Tuck said yes. Lucy told her that since then, they had been boyfriend and girlfriend. Lucy was sure to let Chelsea know that Miss Stewart looked young enough to be called a girl. She smiled at the recollection of Lucy’s observation.
As everyone continued to buzz around her, Chelsea suddenly realized how the day had begun to play out in slow motion. Waiting to see John was agonizing. Since that moment he returned to pick her up from the wedding frenzy, they were together all day every day until time for her to return to her parents for bed. So to spend this day without him was miserable, even though she knew that from that day forward they would never have to be apart again. Without him near, she felt out of sorts, excited certainly, at peace without question, but still a bit off balance. Since his return, life finally felt worth living again. It was somewhat frightening to know the depth to which she depended on him for her happiness. Knowing how off balance that was in itself, it was something she’d begun to pray about but so far had found no remedy from.
In keeping his word that he would work from Oklahoma, John had spent the past months transforming his workspace over the garage. A tech arrived from KI to set up a state-of-the-art office where he could participate in whatever required his attention. There were large screens, computers, and all forms of communications devices to keep him in touch with Mark and Irene. As for the office itself, together they picked out the furnishings that would allow him to work productively, yet make him still feel at home. They moved her desk out of the study and to the new office space so that she could be there with him when he had to be in the office for long periods. In planning for the future, he even dedicated space for a crib.
Future, that word echoed around in her mind. For so many months she had hoped and prayed for the exact future she was now envisioning. In that time after Christmas, when she was finally losing hope, a future with John seemed so unlikely, so out of reach, that she could envision no future at all. Now, this day, she held something precious, something to be grateful for and never take for granted. Considering the alternative, if he’d never come for her, how might she have continued on? What else was there in this life for her but John?
Not so long ago she wondered if maybe loving and losing John were somehow God’s punishment for agreeing to such an arrangement in the first place. What she considered to be God’s provision at the time was more likely her own sense of panic over being in a tough predicament financially and her own attempt to solve the crisis. Even more so, the agreement with John was her way of avoiding the eventuality of going home to a town where Tuck and Lucy woul
d be reminders of what she lost. It was pure disobedience on her part. Her line of thinking at the point of revelation was, of course she deserved punishment. Now, rather than punishment, she’d come to consider the more proper term to be consequences. From the moment she developed feelings for John, consequences abounded. Uncertainty and that sense of a looming deadline maintained a stranglehold on her. Then, once they were apart for so many months, the heartbreak she experienced was nearly unbearable. Finally, two years to the day after entering into the contract with John, she would be released from the penalty. God could indeed make all things turn out for the good of those who loved Him. And she did love Him without question. In the time since she let go of John so that God could bring him to Himself, she found herself clinging to Him desperately as well. He knew what they both needed, and for that season, it was not each other. Finally, no matter their beginning, their ending would be beautiful after all.
Smiling softly, she recalled the song she played at church that first time John came to hear her sing, a song about beautiful endings. While it was intended to be a ballad to God, as she sang it, she found her heart filled with hope even then. Praying as she sang, He heard. Maybe they did come together as a result of her taking things into her own hands, and clearly they took the long way to get to where they were, but the agonizing journey was worth the outcome.
“Chelsea?” Gail was looking at Chelsea, certain she hadn’t heard a word she said. Since John’s arrival, she had never seen her daughter any happier, even Bob commented on it often. While he was greatly concerned at first, after the past months of getting to know John better, Bob had changed his mind entirely. Ultimately, he realized John was the perfect man for Chelsea, no matter his age. He’d actually come to admire John, and an unforeseen friendship was beginning to form. In the past weeks, they’d connected together over that old car of Bob’s, something that thrilled Chelsea as she’d always sought the approval of her daddy. Gail was thankful daily for John’s reentry into her daughter’s life. Finally, after all that Chelsea had endured in her relationships with Tuck and John, she was happy. If anyone deserved a bit of happiness, she did.
