Anything For Him

by Lily Harlem

  ‘But, Hannah, are you not mad at me? I just fucking walked out, left you, with just … with just that word.’

  A shard of pain sliced through me at the memory, but I braced against it and stuck to my plan. ‘Of course I was upset, we went through a lot together. I had strong feelings for you, Liuz, you know that.’

  ‘I just could not fucking cope,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘When I saw that wall, with all those crazy paintings you had done. Seeing it all there, in front of me. It made me realise that I had dragged you into something so depraved and evil.’ He dropped his head. ‘I felt like such a nasty bastard and I was ashamed to have ever allowed you to become involved. You are a good woman, a sweet girl, and I knew you deserved more, even if you didn’t believe that you did. You could do much better than me, Hannah.’

  ‘That’s not true.’ I fiddled with a buckle on the baby sling. ‘There was nothing conventional about our relationship, Liuz. From the very first email to our very last fuck, we were living on the edge, the boundaries of what was acceptable to both of us.’

  ‘Yeah, I suppose you are right.’

  He dipped his head and sniffed Roksana’s head again. Her little fingers flailed as if reaching for him, and he tentatively allowed her to grasp his pinky.

  Tears nipped at my eyes. The sight of them together was almost overwhelming.

  ‘Well, it’s gone now, the mural. I had to make that room into a nursery. I covered it in pink and painted Disney princesses on it. She loves to lie in her cot and stare at Snow White especially.’

  A small smile tugged at Liuz’s mouth. ‘I used to like that story when I was a child. The dwarves were funny.’

  I allowed a moment of triumph. I was getting to him. ‘So when you come out, in eight weeks’ time, where are you going to live? Your place has been rented out to someone else.’

  ‘I am not sure. There are a bunch of busybodies who help sort out shit like that.’

  I tensed. This was my big moment. ‘Why don’t you come and live with us?’

  He dragged his attention from Roksana and settled a brooding stare on me. ‘Why would you offer me that?’ His voice was incredulous.

  All the other noises in the room faded. Although the air was cool it was like I was in my own hot bubble. Sweat pricked and my pulse raced. ‘Because you are the father of my child, Liuz. I, we, want you there.’

  His jaw tensed and a small muscle twitched. ‘I do not know.’ He shook his head.

  A bilious wave of nausea rose like a flame up my gullet. ‘It seems the perfect solution. Come and stay, for a while, at least. Get to know Roksana. She’ll be sitting up soon, crawling. Don’t miss these things, Liuz.’

  Roksana squirmed in his arms. He made a soothing, shushing noise and rocked her gently. She quieted and stared up at him, as though as fascinated by her father as he was with her. As I was with him, too.

  ‘See, you’re a natural,’ I said, wringing my hands then knotting them on the cool table, squeezing until my knuckles paled.

  He said nothing, a silence extending between us. A silence I wanted to fill with words of persuasion, temptation, begs and pleas. I had to be with him. I had to have him in my life. This couldn’t all be for nothing. Going through having a baby, all alone, his time in prison, he couldn’t just let it be in vain.

  Eventually he spoke. ‘I think I just want to go home.’

  ‘But, but you can’t, I told you, the place has been let out to someone else.’

  He shook his head. ‘No, you misunderstood me.’

  ‘I did?’

  ‘Yes, home, to Poland.’

  It was as though a ton of lead weights had been dropped in my stomach. My head spun. Never had I bargained on this. Him wanting to leave the country.

  ‘But, why? I wrote the article, for the paper, the one you wanted me to, saying that all debts had been settled. There is nothing to fear if you stay.’

  He cocked his head. ‘I did not know you had done that, thank you. But I have contacts at home, friends, good friends. I can get a job doing something honest, hold my head up again, make something of my life.’

  ‘But what about Roksana? You won’t be able to see her grow up if you’re in Poland.’

  What about me? What about me? Don’t leave me, not again.

  I felt as though my world was about to implode. Collapse around me. I didn’t think I could pick up the pieces, especially if all hope was lost.

  He shifted slightly, extended a hand over the table and reached for my clasped ones. ‘Aniolku,’ he said, his tone gentle, soothing, and his gaze holding mine. ‘Please, come with me. We can make a life together for our daughter, for ourselves.’

  I willed my body still when I wanted to spin and twirl. Had I heard right? Me and Roksana go to Poland? ‘You want me to come with you?’ I whispered shakily.

  ‘Yes, both of you. It seems the only solution. You are right, Hannah, what we had was good. Weird, fucked-up weird to be precise, but hell, there was something hot going on.’ His gaze dropped to my chest, and he swept the tip of his tongue over his lower lip. ‘I have thought about our time together while I have been in here. It has kept me going sometimes, remembering the fantasies we played out. Of course, I try not to think of Grant inside you, that still makes me feel sick.’ He pulled down the corners of his mouth. ‘But what we did and your hot little body –’ He leaned closer, his hand tightening on mine, and dropped his voice to a whisper. ‘Your wet pussy and tight ass, I miss it. I miss you.’

  A sob was ballooning in my chest. ‘I’ve missed you too.’

  He tipped his mouth into a smile. A smile I adored, a smile I would walk to the end of the world for.

  A bell suddenly rang, signalling the end of visiting time. Liuz glanced at the guard to his left, who nodded at Roksana then at me, wordlessly instructing that it was time for Liuz to hand back his daughter.

  I took her and she let out a mew of complaint. She’d clearly fallen in love with Liuz as much as I had. I couldn’t blame her. He was perfect.

  ‘Will you come next week?’ he asked, remaining seated the same way all the other prisoners were, even though visitors were shuffling and moving around now.

  ‘Do you want me to?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes, and please, promise me you will think about it, coming to Poland with me. I will try and make this right for us, I swear it.’

  The decision had already been made. How could I not follow the man I loved, the father of my child? It was the easiest decision of my life. I was going to live in Poland.

  I slotted Roksana into her strapping and settled her warm little body against my chest. Stood.

  ‘Aniolku,’ Liuz said, reaching for my hand again and bringing my knuckles to his lips.

  A tiny current of electricity infused my whole body. It was a feeling I had missed so much and longed to have in my life again.

  ‘There will be no more stop words,’ he said. ‘Not now we have Roksana. This, us, will go on forever.’ His gaze was steely now, as if projecting his sincerity with his eyes.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Forever.’

  ‘So you will think about it. Being mine, coming to my homeland?’

  I looked down into his drawn but handsome face. It was full of earnestness, full of hope.

  I thought of how my life had changed since our first dirty words to one another. Then I was a journalist, an independent woman, seeking a little fun with my fantasies. Now I was a mother, to all intents and purposes an accessory to murder too, but I was also in love and I wouldn’t change a thing about the last year of my life. For Liuz was my everything and I would be strong for both of us. There was nothing to fear. I had the power to keep us happy and together, forever.

  ‘Yes, Liuz. I will visit next week, and although Poland would be a big change for us, I will think about it.’

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  Copyright

  This novella is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

  Mischief

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  Copyright © Lily Harlem and Natalie Dae 2012

  Lily Harlem and Natalie Dae assert the moral right to be identified as the authors of this work.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Ebook Edition © 2012 ISBN: 9780007491612

  Version 1

  FIRST EDITION

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