‘It’s okay guys, I’m fine, but thanks for caring,’ she said, leaning down and ruffling their ears. ‘Back to sleep now,’ she said and pointed at the end of the bed.
They seemed to understand and disappeared, soon to be heard giving deep harrumphs and making settling-down noises. Within seconds their breathing was deep and even. Lucky things. She couldn’t believe how quickly they’d adapted to being inside dogs, and how well behaved they were being. Jessica couldn’t imagine getting back to sleep now. Actually, she didn’t even want to try; that feeling of panic, helplessness, of drowning, had been horrific. She didn’t want to ever experience that again. She’d have to try to stop the painkillers.
‘Would you like a hot chocolate to help you get back to sleep?’ Steve asked, rubbing her arm.
‘That would be lovely, thanks,’ she said, smiling over at him and covering his hand with hers.
As she watched him get up she stole a glance at the clock radio on Steve’s side table. Two a.m. At least she could sleep all day tomorrow. But poor Steve couldn’t. He was meant to be marking the calves in less than five hours.
Jessica lay back down, fully aware her heart was still racing, and ran her hands through hair that she discovered was damp and sticky with sweat. God, she needed another shower. But with all the rigmarole that entailed, she’d stay put and be stinky. She’d have to hope Steve didn’t notice.
‘Here you are,’ he said, handing her one of the mugs he held.
‘Thank you.’ She smiled up at him and took the mug in both hands. She felt herself relaxing ever so slightly as the warmth of the mug began seeping through her hands. She took a sip and savoured it before saying, ‘Ah, that is lovely.’ It felt quite decadent to be sipping mugs of hot chocolate together at this time of the morning.
‘You’d better get some more sleep else you’ll be too tired for marking tomorrow,’ Jessica said a few minutes later.
‘Hmm, today, you mean. I’ll just finish this.’
At least he would drop back off to sleep quickly.
‘Mind if I turn the light off now?’ he asked when he’d put his empty mug down.
‘No. I need a wee, so you turn yours off and I’ll put mine on.’
‘Do you need a hand?’
Jessica almost laughed at the image of him actually trying to help her pee. It was different for men, who had something that needed holding up. She didn’t want to laugh and have him think she wasn’t being grateful. ‘Thanks, but I should be fine,’ she said, being careful to keep any sarcasm out of her tone.
‘Well, be careful – especially with the crutches on the tiles.’
‘I will. Goodnight.’ Jessica leant over and kissed him before leaning the other way, turning on her light, grabbing her crutches from where they were stacked against the wall, and carefully getting out of bed. The dogs were again at attention beside her. They stepped aside and followed her to the ensuite toilet where they sat watching her. It was kind of cute, though a little weird and disconcerting.
‘All done, back to bed,’ she whispered to the dogs, as she hoisted herself back onto her crutches. As Jessica turned out the light, Laurel and Hardy were already curling up on the floor.
Jessica lay in the dark, desperate to relieve the scratching feeling in her eyes by getting some sleep, but fearful of returning to the nightmare and that feeling of drowning. And putting Steve through it all again. She listened to him breathing – already sleeping soundly again.
She forced herself to endure the discomfort of lying on her side; that way she was unlikely to go to sleep. She listened to the whistle of the wind through the pine trees and the faint, occasional whirr of a vehicle out on the highway. She felt sleep tugging at her eyelids and her body twitch as she gave in. She was just too tired to resist.
*
Jessica was riding that cross-country course again, checking off each jump, each twist and turn, each marker, as she went. She could feel her heart rate soar as she came around the last corner to face the water jump. Her heart leapt into her throat as Prince slowed, too much – to the point she knew he wouldn’t make it. Then the sound of scraping and the feel of him twisting awkwardly underneath her as he scrambled over, and finally the crash and splash as his legs buckled and they went down.
This time Jessica somehow managed to wake before the feeling of being pinned underneath Prince and the sensation of drowning hit her. She was sweating and gasping once more but thankfully had this time managed not to disturb Steve. She forced her breathing to slow, detecting the furious pounding of her heart under her ribs. She felt as if she’d actually ridden the round.
Early morning light glowed at the edges of the nearby curtains. Around five thirty or six, she guessed. As she returned her gaze to the bed she noticed Laurel and Hardy beside her.
‘Do you need to go out?’ she asked in a whisper. But they stayed where they were, their expressions apparently just of concern.
‘It’s okay. I’m okay,’ she said quietly. Jessica was surprised to see them leave and then hear their snuffling as they lay down out of sight. She shook her head with wonder. Don’t ever tell me animals don’t understand human emotions.
Seemingly seconds later, Steve’s alarm went off. He raised himself with a groan.
‘Good morning,’ Jessica said.
‘Good morning. Did you manage to get some more sleep?’ he asked, leaning across to give her a kiss.
‘Yep, I’m fine,’ she said, forcing joviality into her voice.
‘Well, I’d better get the cattle in. Do you mind waiting an hour or so for breakfast? I’ll come back once they’re in and before Gary arrives. I don’t want to hold him up.’
‘I’ll be fine. You go. Can I help at all?’
Steve paused, thinking. ‘I don’t think so, since you can’t drive.’
Jessica felt a whole new rush of guilt. Today was one of the major days on their cattle-raising calendar – the marking of the calves. And she was unable to contribute, thanks to an accident that happened while she’d been playing horses. It meant Steve had to get someone else in to do what she should have been doing. He hadn’t mentioned if he was paying Gary, or if he was planning to return the favour in manpower; either way it was a cost. They had insurance for him in the case of sickness and being out of action for any significant length of time, but they’d dismissed it as not being necessary for her.
‘We’ll be right, won’t we, dogs?’ Steve said cheerfully. The dogs leapt to attention.
‘See you in a bit,’ he said when he was dressed. He came around to her side of the bed to give her another kiss.
Jessica began to get up. She really would feel guilty if she was still lazing around in bed while Steve was out working.
‘No, stay here for a bit. Get some more sleep. If you’re still here when I get back, I’ll bring you your breakfast.’
‘That would be nice,’ Jessica said, knowing full well she’d be up the minute she heard his ute leave.
Today she was going to actually do something. Starting with … Starting with what? What could she do that was useful? She ran through a list of chores, discounting each as she went. She couldn’t change rugs – she was too unstable on her feet to heft them over the sixteen-hand-plus horses. She couldn’t carry anything while on crutches, so feeding them was also out. She could open the gate and let them out, but they couldn’t be let out until they were fed. God, it was all so bloody frustrating! She belted the bed with her fists. She could probably manage taping a plastic bag onto her leg and taking a shower, but the last thing she needed was to slip in the wet and fall and crack her head while no one was around.
Jessica looked around the room for inspiration. She’d stay in bed as instructed if there were a TV to keep her from getting bored, but there wasn’t and she was bored already. She needed to get up and get dressed. Yes, that was one thing she could do. And she could probably even manage a sponge bath with a face washer. And then she’d go over and get the feeds mixed at least. Surely she could
carry the light plastic tubs with their moulded soft handles in her teeth? She’d give it a go.
Feeling significantly better now she had some direction, Jessica set to. Her leg was giving her grief, but she couldn’t take the painkillers on an empty stomach. Anyway, she had to toughen up and cut back. She dragged some clothes on and then made her way outside where the chill in the air reminded her that the toes on one foot were only protected by a sock. It was a clear, still morning and in the distance she could hear the ute’s engine and the dogs barking as the cattle and their calves were rounded up and brought into the yards. A cloud of rich red-brown dust on the horizon to the east told her they were just over the rise.
Prince and Beau had their backs to her, their heads up with ears forwards, keenly interested.
‘Good morning, boys,’ Jessica called, making her way over to where they stood in the day yards. They turned to look at her, and each let out a loud neigh.
While Jessica would have liked to tell herself they were happy to see her, she knew they were more likely to be excited about what she represented – someone to feed them and give them their freedom. She leant on the rail where the two yards met and gave them some attention while resting from the short journey, which had proved both exhausting and extremely painful. Every movement felt like a bone-splintering jolt right up through her plastered leg. She was even puffing and hot under her layers of clothes. Not only was her left leg aching from taking all the weight and her right from being fractured, her hands were sore from gripping the crutches. God, how the hell am I going to do anything?
She thought about just returning to the house, but the horses had started pacing, clearly sure their feed was nearly there. She couldn’t let them down now. Well, she had to try. Luckily, they hadn’t got bored and playful and tossed their empty feed tubs around and into the middle of the yards – the tubs stood near the fence; Jessica could probably reach them from where she was if she stretched.
With each of the brightly coloured plastic tubs beside her, she now had to get them inside the feed shed for filling. She couldn’t roll them because they were too flexible and the moulded handle meant they weren’t round at the top. Could she get down low enough to the ground to lock her teeth onto a handle? She tried it. No, she couldn’t, and fear shot through her as she only just managed to stop herself from overbalancing and falling flat on her face. Broken teeth were the last thing she needed. She scowled at the buckets and then at the horses, who seemed to find her antics amusing: they were contorting their top lips, tossing their heads up and down, and giving the occasional snort.
‘Yes, bloody hilarious,’ she muttered.
So how the hell was she going to get them fed? Was there a way, or would she have to go back to the house and wait for Steve? The thought annoyed her – Jessica Harrington née Collins had never given up anything in her life without giving it a decent shot.
Right, there had to be a way. She gasped and gritted her teeth as sharp pain shot up her plastered leg. She pushed it aside and focussed on the task at hand.
She considered trying putting a tub on her head, but they were far too deep; she wouldn’t be able to see where she was going. Jessica had the fleeting thought that if she did manage to get the tubs to the feed shed there was no way she’d get them back with the horses’ feeds in them. She dismissed it. At least having the feeds portioned, ready for Steve to give out would be a help. And she would feel a sense of accomplishment as well as less useless. Boy, did she need that! She was damn well going to get these bins over and into the feed shed if it killed her!
There was nothing for it but to pick them up and throw them, and hope they went in the right direction. They were robust enough to stand up to the horses tossing them around. She picked the first one up but, fearful of overbalancing, could only throw it a little way in front of her. But that was better than nothing. She picked the other one up. Prepared for how it would feel this time, she managed to toss it further.
Finally, sweating, cursing and heaving, Jessica had the two tubs inside the shed and up to the old chest freezers they kept the feed in so mice and other creepy crawlies couldn’t get in and contaminate it. She sat down on the drawbar of the float. She was exhausted and her leg was killing her. And, she thought, looking down at her watch with horror, it had taken her twenty minutes just to get this far. She’d divvy up the feeds and then go back to the house. The horses would have to wait – this trying to be useful was bloody tiring and painful!
Jessica had just finished mixing the feeds when she heard the ute drive up, dogs barking from the tray. They always got excited when working with stock, and took a while to come down. Meanwhile they let everyone know of the fun and excitement they’d had, and how helpful they had been.
‘Steve,’ Jessica called when she heard the ute door close, ‘can you please give me a hand?’
Steve appeared at a run, followed by Laurel and Hardy, who bounded over to where she was having another rest on the front of the float. Steve looked momentarily shaken until he’d cast his eye over her. He put a hand to his brow.
‘God, I thought you must have fallen or something,’ he said, a frown etched in his face.
‘No, I’m fine.’
‘What have you been up to?’ he asked in a scolding tone, despite knowing the answer as he was now looking down at the tubs. ‘You should have your leg up. I said I’d do this when I got back.’
‘I was trying to help.’
‘How did you get the tubs in?’
‘Threw them.’
‘You silly duffer,’ he said, kissing her forehead and wrapping his arms around her. ‘Thanks for doing what you have. Are they ready?’
‘Just need to add some water and mix it through.’
Jessica had hoped to surprise him by having it all ready and being back in the house, but he’d arrived before she’d worked out how to get water from the rainwater tank. The large plastic jug she normally used would be impossible for her to handle.
‘I hope you didn’t take painkillers on an empty stomach.’
‘It’s okay, I didn’t.’ But I’m beginning to wish I had.
‘Well, you go back to the house and I’ll deal with those two hungry beasts. Night rugs off, day rugs on, and Betadine on Prince’s legs? Anything else?’
‘No, that’s perfect. Thanks so much.’
‘Go on then, off you go,’ Steve chided. ‘Dogs, go and see she does as she’s told.’
Jessica didn’t need to be told again. She was now in so much pain she wasn’t actually sure how she would make it back to the house, but she’d have to find a way. And she figured she could almost justify spending the day resting. With each hobbling step she thought about the comfort of the couch, the breakfast and the pain relief awaiting her, and managed to put her crutches in front of her feet and her feet in line with them enough times to get her there.
Inside, she practically collapsed onto the cold leather. After staring at the blank screen for a few minutes, she turned Sunrise on.
‘Seriously, Jess, you’ve got to rest up and keep your leg elevated. Doctor’s orders, remember?’ Steve said when he came in around ten minutes later. ‘Now, toast and vegemite?’
‘Yes, thanks.’ Jessica watched as Steve bustled about. She noticed him regularly glancing up at the kitchen clock. Every time he did, she felt a stab of guilt. Gary would be here any minute. She wanted to say, You go, I’ll sort all this out. But of course she couldn’t. She couldn’t so much as get a cup of tea and carry it back to the couch on her own.
Steve delivered her toast. Between bites, Jessica watched surreptitiously as he ate his breakfast standing up, snatching bites here and there, or carrying a piece of toast around and holding it between his teeth while he got the bits and pieces out of the fridge to make his lunch.
Finally he placed his small Esky and a thermos near the door. He brought over another thermos and two bottles of water and put them on the coffee table in front of Jessica. Next he went to the cabinet belo
w the TV and took out all the DVDs and placed them in several low piles on the table.
‘There’s a ham and cheese sandwich in the fridge for you. I’ll let you get up for that,’ he said. ‘Okay, is there anything I’ve missed? I won’t be back until late this afternoon, early evening. Though if you need me, call. I hate leaving you like this,’ he added, standing beside her, looking torn.
‘I’ll be fine,’ Jessica said, trying to sound upbeat. ‘I’ll just sit here like Lady Muck and work my way through movies and books.’ But inside she was already lonely, pining for him. Jessica swallowed. She was being silly; usually she and Steve spent most of their time apart. It would be different if she had Laurel and Hardy for company, but they’d chosen to stay out in the back of the ute – they had meaningful work to do, and knew it. They couldn’t be more different to the dogs who’d been lazing around inside yesterday.
‘Right, so you’re sure you’ll be okay? You don’t want me to phone Raelene from next door and see if she can come over and keep you company?’
Had he read her mind? ‘Darling, I’ll be fine. You just go.’
They heard a car horn – Gary signalling his arrival. He would have seen Steve’s ute still parked beside the house.
‘Well, call if you need me,’ he said, kissing her before striding to the door.
‘Okay. Have fun,’ she called.
‘You too.’
Jessica looked around her. Bless Steve, he’d thought of everything. She poured coffee from the thermos into her mug and sipped as she thought about all the hours looming ahead of her. The only way she’d keep sane was to plan her time a little.
She really had to rest, so she might as well give in and stop fighting it. Think positively, she told herself. All this time to do nothing. Think of it as a holiday.
Leap of Faith Page 6
