Jessica felt a huge weight she didn’t even realise she was carrying leave her.
‘And if you do regret it,’ Tiffany continued, ‘you can always get back into it later. You’re keeping all your gear, right? At least for now?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good. Well, all I can say is I hope you’ll make me an honorary aunt very soon.’ She offered her friend a warm smile tinged with sadness.
‘I’m sorry Steve dragged you out here.’
‘He’s worried about you, Jess. So am I.’
‘I know.’ I’m worried about myself, Jessica wanted to say. She did feel a certain relief at having made a difficult decision, and had the sense of being in control again. But she couldn’t ignore the suspicion that she was standing on a slippery slope with no way back. Hopefully it was just the pain and the medication messing with her. She was sure she’d start to feel better when the horses were gone and she could put the decision behind her.
Jessica heard the washing machine fill with water before the laundry door opened. She hoped Steve had thought to scrub the breeches she’d worn for the dressage portion of the competition clean by hand before putting them in – the ones from the cross-country had been cut from her and had ended up in the hospital bin, she supposed – before realising it didn’t matter; she’d never be wearing those breeches again. With that thought a fresh lump lodged in her throat. She forced it aside. Just the fear of change.
‘Can I get you a cuppa, Tiff?’ Steve asked, entering the lounge area.
‘That would be great, thanks. Can I have a hot chocolate, please? I’m all caffeined up for today.’
‘Sure, no probs. Jessica, another?’
‘Hot chocolate for me, too, thanks.’
‘Would you like me to do the negotiating for you and organise everything?’ Tiffany asked as Steve rattled away in the kitchen and Jessica sat stroking Hardy.
Jessica looked up at her friend, a new rush of affection and deep gratitude flowing through her. ‘Would you?’
‘I just offered, didn’t I?’
‘That would mean so much, you’ve no idea.’
‘I’m not saying I agree,’ Tiffany warned, ‘but I did say I will support you.’
Jessica thought her offer went way beyond mere support, and was truly grateful to have such a selfless friend. Especially when she had so much going on in her own life. ‘Oh God, Tiffany, you’ve no idea what a weight off it would be,’ Jessica said, letting out the breath she’d been holding. If she could have got up easily to go over and hug her friend, she would have. Instead she put her hand out, which Tiffany took and squeezed.
‘So, these are the amounts you’re thinking of putting on them?’ Tiffany said, picking up the pad of paper Jessica had put on the coffee table. ‘Do you want me to phone Sharon Parks and Vanessa and Andrew Birch first and see if they’re serious and still interested? And would you rather not be here when they go, or do you think you’ll need the closure? It’s entirely up to you.’
Jessica’s head was spinning. This was happening very quickly. But that was a good thing – it showed it was meant to be, right?
‘Thank you so much,’ she said, holding onto her friend’s hand tightly.
‘You’d do the same for me,’ Tiffany said.
I absolutely would, Jessica thought, but stayed silent and nodded.
‘Here you are,’ Steve said, putting steaming mugs in front of them on the coffee table. He touched Hardy on the hind legs, said, ‘Off you hop,’ and sat in the newly vacated space beside Jessica. He looked defeated. She knew he’d eventually understand, he just needed time to adjust. Don’t we all? And when their baby arrived, he’d probably forget all this drama in his delight at finally being a father.
They laughed, watching Hardy climb up beside Tiffany and on top of Laurel, who eventually, reluctantly, made space while letting out a loud harrumph.
‘So how’s the world of feed and associated supplies?’ Jessica asked.
‘Good. Busy. All the farmers are buying up in bulk. Apparently there’s talk of next year being dry. What do you think, Steve?’
‘Looks that way.’
‘Well, if you want extra hay, you’d better get it ordered. They’ve got three trucks coming in in the next few days, but they’re saying the price might go up after that because they’re running out locally and will have to start trucking it in from over the border.’
‘I did an order this morning, but I’m thinking of adding more to it. Thanks for the heads up.’
‘No worries. I didn’t see you. I was probably on my coffee break.’
‘Barry served me. Maybe being prepared will mean I won’t need it. They’re saying next winter will be wet, but this spring will be dryer than average. Goodness only knows – just sounds like their usual each-way bet to me.’
‘Isn’t that farming, generally?’ Tiffany said with a cringe. ‘And life, for that matter,’ she added with a laugh.
‘Yeah, pretty much.’
They made small talk about the current racism and substance abuse scandals gripping the AFL until Tiffany announced she’d better get going. Steve tried to convince her to stay for dinner, but she said she had a lot to do. And it really was only four in the afternoon – far too early even for an early dinner.
‘Right, so you’re absolutely sure about this?’ Tiffany asked, pausing after picking up the sheet of prices Jessica wanted for each of the horses.
‘Yes. And thank you so much. You’ve no idea how much it means …’
‘I know,’ Tiffany said, waving Jessica’s words away with the paper in her hand.
Steve got up to see their friend out. Jessica knew he would express his disappointment to Tiffany again. But this time she knew Tiffany would defend her, tell him that she didn’t agree, but would support her since her mind was clearly made up. They’d most likely share a rolling of the eyes and comment that when Jessica’s mind was made up there was no budging her – or something along those lines.
Jessica wasn’t unsure about her decision being the right one – she really didn’t see an alternative – but she did feel uneasy about actually parting with Prince and Beau. She wondered about taking Tiffany up on her offer of being there when they were loaded. Steve could take her away for the day so she wouldn’t have to see them leave. Or would the closure gained through being there be better for her healing process?
She really had to have more faith. Look at what Tiffany had been through and she remained relatively cheery and easy-going. This faith in the universe she held onto really seemed to work. Thanks to being raised by stern, pushy parents – especially her father – Jessica was prone to trying to control things. Jessica Harrington née Collins knew it was unlikely she’d ever be described as easy-going.
As she listened to Tiffany’s ute start up, she vowed to not let Tiffany and Steve down. She wouldn’t prove them right, either; she’d focus on the next phase of her life: getting back on her feet and having babies. And she’d do it all with a smile on her face and a cheerful disposition.
Chapter Eleven
Jessica woke feeling refreshed. No nightmares. So there! she silently declared, feeling vindicated. She tried to recall any dreams she might have had and came away empty-handed. Giving up the horses was the right decision. A big part of Jessica already knew she would regret it – horses were such a big part of her life, and always had been – but if she filled that void with a baby she’d be fine. She was relieved to be without the gravelly eyes or slow heaviness that had dogged her for the past few days. Even the pain in her leg had lessened, she realised with slight surprise; it was just a dull, manageable ache.
‘Good morning, gorgeous girl,’ Steve said, leaning over and kissing her. ‘I hope you slept as well as I did.’
She smiled at him. The night before, determined to prove all was well after their serious discussions, Jessica had fought the awkwardness and romance-killing nature of the rigid cast on her leg and insisted she and Steve make love. Steve had tried to
assure her he was fine to wait, but she needed the reassurance of their closeness. Later she felt guilty for faking her orgasm; she’d been unable to ignore her leg feeling completely wrong and the big decision she had made.
She followed Steve out to the horses and leant on the fence to watch him tend to them, as much to show Steve she was fine as to prove it to herself. It would be hard, but no pain no gain, as her father would have said. She wasn’t sure if the sentiment really fitted here, but shrugged the thought aside. Better that than getting all choked up and teary, as she would if she allowed herself to dwell on it.
She patted their sleek, strong necks and the horses nuzzled her, a little more affectionate than normal. Did they somehow sense what was coming? How could they? She was just seeing things that weren’t there. Nonetheless, their deep brown eyes and long lashes got to her and a lump caught in her throat.
‘I’m cold, I’m going back in,’ she said, and gave a shudder before turning and hobbling away back to the house. Her sad heart pounded away beneath all the layers she was wearing and the slight awkwardness she felt at lying to her husband caused heat to break out across her chest.
Back in the house, Jessica escaped to the bathroom to give herself a little pep talk to get her through. While she feared looking at empty paddocks and lonely stable yards sometime soon, she hoped Tiffany wouldn’t take too long to find a buyer or two, and have Prince and Beau removed. Oh, it hurt just thinking their names. Then the current torture could end and the healing process begin. She tried to ignore the little voice deep inside her that questioned whether she was feeling so bad because it was not the right thing to do.
But it is, she countered forcefully. I can do this. She looked into the mirror. I’m strong. I wouldn’t have got to international two-star level without being strong. This is the right thing to do.
Her phone beeped as she settled herself on the couch. A text from Tiffany: No go with Sharon P. Txx Jessica shook aside the disappointment – it would have been good to have the business so easily and quickly dealt with – and distracted herself with morning TV. She planned to while away the rest of the day with two romantic comedy DVDs, punctuated by lunch. Along the way she’d actually do something useful and fold the clean clothes when Steve brought them in off the line. It’s going to be a good day.
A little later, over her sandwich – this time Steve had boiled eggs and made a creamy, lightly curried filling before heading out to help Gary down the road with tailing his lambs – she gave in and logged in to Facebook. Tiffany, bless her, had already put up a few lovely photos of Prince and Beau standing together, under saddle, and in action, captioned with enticing descriptions. The post had been shared four times, twenty people had liked it, and twenty-three people had posted comments. The last few visible comments were simple questions: ‘Why?’ ‘What’s happening?’ ‘What’s going on with Jessica?’ ‘Why is Jessica Harrington selling up?’ The notifications symbol on Jessica’s private profile was showing twelve, and there were four messages.
She closed the laptop, put it on the floor and pushed it just under the couch so as to be out of sight and temptation. While she desperately wanted to know how things stood, she didn’t want to read any gossip or speculation about herself. And, anyway, Tiffany would be dealing with genuine enquiries via her own private messaging. She wished she’d asked her friend to discuss everything with Steve and leave her out of it altogether, but that would be completely passing the buck, which wasn’t fair on them. And not on herself either.
This was her decision and the least she could do was have the guts to discuss it like a rational human being when called upon. It’s business, she told herself. She rubbed the ears of the dogs beside her.
Steve was right – what she was doing was the same as selling Laurel and Hardy. They were family – more so now they were inside dogs and a constant presence. The reality was she was selling her best friends, friends that had done well by her. But the horses meant so much to their operation financially. Money wasn’t everything, but it sure helped. She could always get more horses later. And this concession helped ease her mind a little.
She put the second movie in and forced herself to concentrate on it.
*
Three days later, Jessica hadn’t heard anything more from Tiffany about the horses, just the odd text message checking on her and her leg and quips about how many bags of chaff or bales of hay she’d sold.
Jessica had managed to refrain from looking at Facebook again. She’d become a bit DVDed out and thanks to Steve had a new hobby: jigsaw puzzles.
Stretching out before Jessica on the large coffee table was a two-thousand-piece puzzle where a field of multi-coloured tulips was slowly coming together. He’d borrowed it from the library when he’d returned the DVDs. Jessica just hoped all the pieces were there and she wouldn’t have to face the frustration of ending up with an empty space after all her effort. She’d become quite keen on jigsaws, and was really looking forward to tackling the next box – a complicated cityscape of London.
When she tired of jigsaw puzzles she thought she might get Steve to get her some knitting needles and wool and, with the help of Google, she’d teach herself to knit. It would be lovely to have some baby blankets and cute little outfits ready to go. Perhaps being organised would make her hormones surge and she might begin feeling clucky.
She shook her head – she was getting way ahead of herself. Being organised was one thing, but she was being ridiculous – she’d only stopped taking the pill a few days ago. She’d been on it for years and it could take ages to get pregnant, by all accounts. She really hoped her body would be more compliant. Nonetheless, the last thing she wanted was to jinx things by being presumptuous and too prepared.
*
Steve announced on Monday morning that he was taking Jessica out for the day – no arguments. He would drive them over to Mannum for lunch at the new café that had been getting great reviews. Jessica was momentarily excited – she hadn’t left the property since breaking her ankle just over a week ago, as she hadn’t felt up to making small talk with people she knew. There’d be less likelihood of bumping into people she knew in another town. Hopefully.
But her excitement left her almost as quickly as it came, causing her pulse to race. Today was the day: the horses were being picked up. A boulder settled in the pit of her stomach and bitter, burning bile gathered around it. She’d made it very clear to Steve and Tiffany that she didn’t want to be there when the time came; didn’t want to stay goodbye; Jessica felt making the decision itself was as good as saying goodbye. And there was no point dwelling, making herself and everyone else uncomfortable with a stoic show of no tears – or worse, floods of tears.
She showered, made an effort to dress up a little – wearing a long skirt to hide her cast – and put on a cheery disposition despite feeling nauseous, nervous and jittery.
In Mannum, Jessica barely tasted the three-cheese soufflé that Steve raved about, or the warm apple strudel with thick double cream and freshly brewed coffee. But she forced herself to nod and contribute her own not as enthusiastic appreciation of the meal.
They wandered the main street, slowly making their way through the art gallery and home wares and interiors, antiques and bric-a-brac shops. Jessica needed regular breaks and Steve chattered constantly, clearly trying to keep her spirits up. She joined in on autopilot. They even wandered through the baby and children’s wear shop, something they had never done before, holding up the tiny, cute garments and raving about how precious the things were. It was evident they both wanted to buy something but seemed to agree it was too soon.
Jessica found herself muttering her thanks to the friendly shop assistant and going back out into the street to look at the range of mobiles hanging in the front window. She stared at the shapes and bright colours, thinking about what was going on at home. Had it happened yet? Had she made the right decision in not being there and saying proper goodbyes? Had she made the right decision, full stop?<
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She was distracted by Steve’s presence beside her, his arm draped around her shoulder. He held a brown paper carry bag out to her with a gentle half-smile. Jessica frowned and wanted to hand the bag back, tell him she thought buying baby things would be bad luck – clearly they hadn’t been of the one mind after all – but his nod of encouragement made her take a cautious look inside.
She drew out a plush, chocolate brown bear and hugged it to her. It was all she could do not to burst into tears. Bless him. She smiled sadly at him before touching his shoulder. If she hadn’t been on crutches, she would have thrown her arms around him. Steve carefully hugged her, the bear between them.
‘He’s gorgeous. Thank you,’ she murmured into his shoulder as her husband stroked her hair. They broke apart and Jessica reluctantly placed the bear back into the carry bag and handed it to Steve. As much as she could feel the bear’s comfort flooding through her and didn’t want to let him go, a grown woman clutching a bear in the middle of the main street of a country town was sure to raise eyebrows.
Jessica was exhausted and nodded off a few times on the drive home. She hadn’t spent so long on her crutches before and now she seemed to ache all over. The pain was quite dull, and while she knew she could do with only half the recommended dose of medication she liked her emotional pain being masked too. She’d take a full dose when they got home.
Tiffany’s ute was beside the house as they drove onto their property. She emerged and greeted Steve with a sombre ‘Hi,’ and a quick peck to the cheek before wrapping her arms around Jessica.
‘Thank you for everything. You’ve no idea,’ Jessica croaked before she burst into tears. Tiffany erupted too and the two women clung to each other.
After a few moments Jessica pulled away and wiped her face as she bent to pat the dogs, who had appeared beside them.
‘Are you okay?’ Tiffany asked, full of concern.
‘I’m fine,’ Jessica replied heavily. ‘I’ll be fine.’
Tiffany stayed for a cuppa, but it was clear to Jessica that she wanted to be elsewhere. Fair enough, it must have been a fairly harrowing day for her as well – not to mention all the negotiating she must have been doing this past week.
Leap of Faith Page 10
