Katherine laughs. “She’s from Iowa. I didn’t realize people actually lived there. I thought it was nothing but pig farms.”
Katherine’s so stupid and yet she thinks she’s smart. But she’s only smart when it comes to manipulating people. She has no book smarts. I actually think she was serious when she said she didn’t think people lived in Iowa. She really is that dumb.
“Lilly, tell your grandparents about your ballet lessons.” My dad never brings Lilly into the conversation. It’s like he’s purposely trying to get off the topic of Jade. I wonder why.
Two hours pass and Lilly can’t sit still anymore. We just had dessert but we still have to have after-dinner drinks, the final course.
“Lilly, sit still,” Katherine says to her.
“She’s tired,” I say. “I’ll take her home.”
“No. She needs to learn to sit quietly at the table.”
“She’s already done that. For two hours.”
“Garret’s right,” my dad says. “She needs to get home. It’s past her bedtime. He can take her back while we finish having drinks.”
Katherine gives him her evil stare, but doesn’t say anything.
I get up and help Lilly off her chair. We say goodnight and I take Lilly home and up to her room. She gets in her pajamas and I read her a story before she goes to sleep. I feel more like her parent than her brother and I’m getting tired of it. My dad needs to step up and start taking care of his daughter instead of making me do it.
When I come downstairs, my dad and Katherine are walking in the door and I leave without speaking to them. But at least my dad thanked me for taking Lilly home.
That night I don’t sleep more than a couple hours. My mind is working, trying to find a way to be friends with Jade again. If my dad’s not going to harm her or take her scholarship away, then why am I listening to him? I don’t need to. I know the rules say I can’t be with someone like her, but fuck the rules. I’m done following them.
By morning I decide to get Jade back, or at least attempt to. I know the odds are against me but if any of what Harper said is true and Jade misses me, even a little, maybe she’ll give me another chance. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. Whatever she tells me to do, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to get her back.
The problem is I don’t think she’ll listen to what I have to say. And even if she did, I probably wouldn’t say it right. My apology needs to be said a certain way. A way that shows how much she means to me.
I notice my English notebook on my desk and it reminds me of the first time Jade read it. It was the day I asked her to forgive me for lying to her. Now I’m asking her to forgive me again. Shit. She’s never going to forgive me. Once? Maybe. But not twice. But I at least have to try.
That day we read each other’s notebooks, I told Jade we needed different notebooks to write down what we couldn’t say. That’s exactly what I need. I need to write down my apology, then hope she reads it.
I go to the store and get a notebook. I get Jade one as well, in case she wants to write back. I’m sure she won’t, but I told her we’d each have one so I bought two.
When I’m back in my room, I start writing. Usually writing is easy for me, but I struggle with this because each word has to be perfect. I skip flag football and spend the afternoon working on it. By the end of the day, it’s done.
In Jade’s notebook, I wrote, Remember how we were going to get notebooks to write down stuff we couldn’t say? I don’t know if you want to anymore but if so, this is yours. The other one is mine.
Then in my own notebook, on page one, I copied down what I wrote when we exchanged notebooks the first time, just in case Jade wants to read it again. Then I wrote the new entries.
I didn’t just write an apology. That’s not enough. I need to tell her more than that. I need Jade to know how much I care about her, how much I miss her, and how much she’s affected me since the day she arrived on campus.
On page 2, I wrote about taking Jade for pancakes. It may seem stupid to write about that, but to me, that day was significant. I thought it would be hard going back to a place that held memories of my mom, but instead of feeling sad, I felt good being there. And it was all because of Jade. Her excitement over the pancakes made me laugh and any hint of sadness I felt was gone. I made a new memory of that place and I liked that I made it with Jade.
This is what I wrote on page 2.
I’ve been hanging out with this girl a lot now. She continues to fascinate me and I can’t seem to get enough of her. Today we had pancakes at Al’s Pancake House. I’ve never seen anyone get so excited about pancakes. Who knew that something so small could make someone so happy? I wanted to make her that happy again, so I told her we would go there every Sunday. Her eyes lit up like I’d told her I was taking her to Paris or something. But it wasn’t Paris. It was just a promise of pancakes every week.
On page 3, I wrote about the night I told her about my mom.
Tonight I invited this girl to hang out in my room. I just thought we’d eat pizza and watch movies and that was it. But it became more than that. She asked about my mom so I told her the story. Talking about my mom was harder than I thought it would be. Maybe because I never talk about her or what happened to her. But I felt better when I was done because this girl actually listened to me like she cared. No one has ever listened to me like that. No one except my mom.
On page 4, I wrote about the day my dad showed up on campus and the day I told her I couldn’t see her anymore.
Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a really long time. I was told I could no longer see this girl who I really care about and who was becoming my closest friend. My life is full of rules and even though these rules make no sense to me, for some reason I follow them. I told her to stay away from me and that I would stay away from her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say to someone. I ran off as soon as I said it because I was too much of a coward to see how much I hurt her. But now I feel like the worst person in the world.
The last entry was the most difficult to write because I had to acknowledge this might be the end for us. But if that’s the case, then I want a real goodbye. Page 5 reads as follows.
“I haven’t talked to this girl in weeks and I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her smile and her laugh and even her insults. I miss having pancakes with her and watching movies and just sitting quietly together. I no longer care about the rules. They’re someone else’s rules. This is my life and I’ll make up my own rules. If she’ll let me, I need to talk to this girl again. If she hates me, I understand. But we shouldn’t end it the way it ended. That was someone else’s end. We need our own end.
Jade, I miss you. I made a huge mistake. And I just want to talk. --Garret
On Tuesday after English class, I drop the two green notebooks on Jade’s desk. Then I walk out of the classroom and don’t look back.
I hope she doesn’t toss them in the trash. I just need her to read what I wrote.
After that, I don’t know what will happen.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I never heard back from Jade after I gave her those notebooks. I waited in my room last night hoping she’d stop by. But she didn’t. And the wait is killing me.
I need some kind of response. If she threw my notebook away without reading it, I need to know that. If she read it and wants nothing to do with me, I need to know that, too. I just need some kind of response. Anything.
Now it’s Wednesday night and I can’t wait any longer. I need to know if she read it.
I go down to her room and knock on her door, my heart pounding in my chest. I didn’t sleep last night and I didn’t shave today and I’m sure I look like shit right now but I feel like shit so I guess I look like I feel.
Jade sees it’s me at the door and closes it to just a crack. “What do you want, Garret?”
“Did you read my notebook?”
“Yes.”
“So can we talk?”
“I have nothing to say to you. I’m finally moving past all this. Just go away. And don’t come down here anymore.”
There’s no way I’m giving up this easy. Jade at least needs to let me explain. I just need a few minutes.
She tries to close the door, but I shove my hand against it, keeping it open.
“It was my dad, Jade. He made me do it. It wasn’t me. You don’t understand. But I’m done taking orders from him. Especially about stuff like this. You and me. He has no right to interfere. None of them do.”
I was thinking about this last night when I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking how this isn’t just about my dad. He’s not the only one who doesn’t want me with Jade. The rules say I can’t be seen with someone like her. And everyone knows the rules. Not just my family, but the people at this school, like Blake and Ava. They’re my biggest concern right now because they see me every day. And there’s no way they’ll let me break the rules without blackmail or bribes to keep them quiet. So I’ll do it. I’ll do what I have to do. That’s how badly I want Jade back.
“What are you talking about?” Jade asks.
“Let me in and I’ll tell you. I can’t talk in the hall.”
She thinks for a moment, then goes in her room and comes back with her keys. “Let’s go outside.”
At least she agreed to talk to me.
When we get outside she walks so fast I can barely keep up.
“Are you going to stop?”
“Nope,” she says. “So start talking.”
I speed up until I’m beside her. “There’s rules, Jade. My family and every family like mine has these unspoken rules and if you don’t follow them, they become spoken rules. If it gets to that point where they have to be said, then you’re in deep shit.”
“You’re not making sense, Garret.”
“When my dad showed up here a few weeks ago, he was here to remind me of the rules. Well, one rule in particular.” I don’t know how to say this nicely, so I just say it, because it’s the truth and I need to be honest. “The rule that says I’m not allowed to have anything to do with you.”
“And why is that? Because I’m poor? From a bad home? The rich can’t associate with people like me?”
I don’t answer.
“Like I didn’t know that already? I’m not stupid, Garret. I know how the world works. It’s not like I was expecting you to put a ring on my finger and take me to live in your mansion. We were just friends. That’s it.”
“I know. But I told you. My dad picks my friends. Or at least he has to approve of them. And he doesn’t approve of you.”
“Big surprise there.” She walks even faster. “How did he even know about us?”
“Ava and Blake told him. Or they told their parents and word got back to my dad. I don’t know exactly, but I know they were involved.” I notice Jade’s shivering. It’s cold out and she’s wearing a short-sleeve t-shirt. I unzip my sweatshirt and take it off. “Here.” I wait for her to stop, then I put my sweatshirt around her. It’s so big it almost hangs to her knees.
She takes off walking again. “Why do you listen to your dad anyway? You’re 18, right?”
She really has no idea how this works. I’m so used to living in this world, I sometimes forget other people don’t live under this state of constant control. But Jade’s right. I’m an adult now and I need to stop letting my dad have all the power.
“I’m 19. My birthday was in August. And I don’t know why I listen to him. I don’t respect him or the things he does. I don’t even like him.”
“He’s your dad. You must like him a little.”
“I used to like him before my mom died. But he’s not the same person anymore. And he doesn’t like me either. If he did, he’d let me make my own decisions and he’d stop taking away everything that’s good in my life.” I go around Jade and stand in front of her. “I’m not going to listen to him. We have something here. And I won’t let my dad take this away.”
“Maybe I want it to go away. Did you even consider that?”
“Of course I have. And I understand if you want nothing to do with me.” I almost couldn’t say those words. But I did, because as much as I don’t want her to, Jade has every right to tell me to get lost. And I need to know her decision. I put everything out there and let her know how I feel. And if she chooses not to forgive me, I have to accept that. “If that’s what you want, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll see if we can get different partners in English. I’ll never bother you again.”
She doesn’t say anything and my heart thumps harder in my chest.
“Tell me what you want, Jade.” I hold her hand even though I know she’ll pull it away. But she doesn’t. So I don’t let go because I want to feel her hand in mine. It belongs there. I know it does. I can feel it. I just don’t know if she does.
She looks to the side, then down at the ground. My heart thumps even harder. So hard I feel out of breath.
I don’t want this to be the end. It can’t be. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Ever. And I’m pretty damn sure I’ll never feel like this again. I’ve never cared this much about a girl. I’ve never wanted to work so hard to make someone happy. I’ve never missed someone as much as I miss Jade when she’s not around.
But it doesn’t matter what I think, or how I feel. This is her decision.
She still hasn’t answered and my thumping heart slows as I realize what her silence is telling me.
This is over. And I understand why. I take full blame. I hurt her and lied to her and broke her trust. And now she doesn’t want to see or talk to me ever again.
She finally looks at me, ready to give me her answer. But I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear Jade tell me to go. And I don’t need to.
I let go of her hand and turn and walk away.
And then I hear her voice behind me. “I want pancakes on Sunday.”
I slowly turn back around. “What?”
“You asked me what I want. I want pancakes on Sunday. You said it would be a tradition. I’ve never had a tradition. You started it, but then it ended and I want it back.”
I’m not sure what this means, but just the fact that she hasn’t told me to get lost makes me smile a little. I keep quiet and wait to see if pancakes are all she’s interested in. If so, I’m good with that. I’ll buy her all the damn pancakes she wants. Even if I only see her on Sundays, that’s a start and I’ll take it.
“I want to see more movies from that box in your room. And maybe share another pizza.”
My heart’s thumping again, but in a good way. I step closer to her. “That could be arranged.”
I’ll buy her a million fucking pizzas if that’s what she wants. And did she just say she wants to share those pizzas? With me? My heart’s thumping out of my chest now. Is she really giving me another chance?
I hear her again and I focus on her every word.
“But more than anything, I want a promise that you’ll never do something like this to me again. Because I won’t forgive you, Garret. This is it. I mean it.”
I breathe a massive sigh of relief.
“I know you do.” I offer her my hand. “Friends?”
“Maybe. We’ll see how it goes.”
I lower my hand back to my side. I’m not going to pressure her in any way. I have to earn her friendship. I have to earn her trust. I have to start from the beginning and show her she can count on me.
A cold gust of wind blows and she pulls my sweatshirt around her. I like seeing her in it, but I wish it were my arms around her instead of my sweatshirt. But one step at a time.
“So what happens if your dad finds out about us?” she asks.
“He’ll stop putting money in my account and probably take my car. But I don’t care about that. I need to make a stand. Otherwise he’ll keep trying to control every aspect of my life.”
“This is so stupid. I can’t believe he won’t even let us be friends. When I had dinner at your house he told you to get to kn
ow me.”
“Yeah, but he didn’t think it would actually go anywhere. He didn’t think we’d end up being friends. Or more than friends.”
“But he picked me for the scholarship. He can’t hate me that much.”
“He doesn’t hate you, Jade. In fact I can tell that he likes you. But he’s so focused on the Kensington image and what people think that he can’t see past it. And Katherine only makes it worse. Plus it doesn’t help to have people like Ava and Blake gossiping about us.”
“Maybe you should go to more charity events or afternoon teas or whatever you rich people do. Then maybe everyone would see that being friends with me isn’t that big a deal.”
“I doubt it’ll make a difference but I could try that.” I smile. “Although I don’t go to afternoon tea, Jade.”
Another gust of wind blows and Jade shivers. “We should go inside.”
“In a minute. First I need you to show me that thing I taught you.”
I know I said I wouldn’t pressure her, but in this case I have to. And it’s not just because it’s what I want. It’s because Jade needs it. Everyone does, but especially Jade. And I know she hasn’t had one today and she needs at least one a day. Well, she needs a lot more than that, but we’ll start with one.
I hold my arms out to her. “It’s been weeks now and you probably forgot how to do it.”
She does this big dramatic sigh. “Do I have to?”
“Yes.” I say it forcefully. “You need to practice.”
She puts her arms around me in a loose, half-attempt at a hug. But I hug her all the way, pulling her into my chest, my arms enveloping her.
It’s the best damn feeling in the world. I don’t want to ever let her go. And I’m not going to. I don’t give a shit what my dad says or Katherine or my grandfather or anyone else. I’m going to do everything I can to keep this girl in my life.
Holding Jade in my arms like this? It feels right. Just like holding her hand feels right. I can’t explain it. It’s just a feeling. Like we belong together.
I look down and see her face pressed against my chest, her eyes closed. She’s not even trying to pull away. In fact, she’s hugging me tighter now. But I still correct her because I need her to do this again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.
Garret Page 21
