by Lucy Rinaldi
One last look.
What would Hudson think if he could see me now?
I smile to myself. Just thinking about him makes me smile. We haven’t seen much of each other this past week. I’ve been too busy. If I’m honest, I’ve been too scared to see him in case anything happens between us. Sexually, I mean.
And even though we agreed to give us another try, I would die if he saw me without my clothes on. And I know being too close to him is dangerous because I won’t be able to stop myself from wanting him. And if he touches me, I’ll crumble. And we have come close a couple of times.
I don’t know what he must be thinking. Maybe he thinks I just need some time to get my head around things. It’s nice that he respects me enough to give me that. But I’m beginning to feel the urge to let go and just show him my body.
I’m going to have to some time, right?
So why not just get it out the way?
Once I have, we can get on with the good stuff. If you catch my drift.
I open the dressing room curtain and step out. All eyes are on me, and I feel claustrophobic all of a sudden. “What does it look like?”
“Gorgeous.” I smile at Emilee.
“You look beautiful, babe.”
“That dress looks beautiful on you.”
“Take a look in the mirror.” I roll my eyes and smile.
Why it is everyone has to talk all at once?
I turn to the mirror. Even though I’ve seen myself in the dressing room mirror looking at myself in the huge mirror out front has me catching my breath in my throat. I have to admit Aimee has done an amazing job. It actually hugs my natural curves. I actually have a decent shape to my ass in this dress.
“No!” I jump out of my skin. What the hell? “That will not do. It looks godawful on you.”
“What do you mean?” I look down at myself. I don’t see as I look any different from anyone else.
“As if having that thing on your face isn’t bad enough.” My mother huffs loudly. She’s nice, right? “Aimee, I’m going to need you to redesign Callie’s dress.”
“Why? She looks beautiful, mom. And I want all of my bridesmaids dressed the same.”
“She has too much flesh showing.”
“You mean my scar is showing, and I’ll be an embarrassment to you?” She looks at me with a raised eyebrow. That’s exactly what she thinks of me. I sigh while looking down at the dress. Well, I thought I looked good. I guess I was wrong. “Maybe I could…”
“No.”
“You didn’t even let me finish, mom.”
“There is nothing you can do to cover that up,” She points to my bullet wound scar. “It’s an eyesore. It’s not like there’s enough make up in the world to cover it.”
I close my eyes and suck my lips into my mouth to ward off my emotions. Only my mother could make me feel like a real monster.
“Mom, she’s wearing the dress,” Della chides in. “She looks amazing in it. Why can’t you just…” I tune them out. I feel like I’m looking in on someone else’s life. I can see their mouths moving but I can’t hear them talking. Or rather arguing as I can tell they’re doing.
I sometimes wonder if I’m a disappointment as a daughter. My mother always seems to have something negative to say to me, about me. I always seem to do something wrong in her eyes. It’s never been that way for Della and Lora. But then it wasn’t Della or Lora who couldn’t stop that woman from walking off with their baby sister. No, that was me.
I catch my side reflection in the mirror and I instantly know why my mother wants the dress redesigned. In this dress you can really see the scar on my back. I had a feeling it would be noticeable, but I didn’t expect my mother to voice it in a room full of my friends. I have to get out of this dress and then get out of here.
I walk back into the dressing room and slip out of the dress. I’ve got my clothes back on, the dress on a hanger, and my purse on my shoulder in less than three minutes. I even manage to get out the back door without anyone seeing me.
I should have said something to my sisters and friends about leaving, especially when I should be helping with wedding prep, but my mother has hurt me yet again with her lack of compassion.
I make it to my car before I feel the baby hairs on the back of my neck stand up, goose bumps shoot up my arms, and my stomach turns over. I turn my head to see who’s behind me but there’s no one there. Being paranoid is normal for me since Dr. Psycho attacked me. But right now, I don’t feel paranoid, I feel like someone is actually watching me.
I jump into my Fiat, my hands shaking as I try to get the key in the ignition. I have a horrible sinking feeling that someone is about to rip open the door and drag me out of the car.
“Please, please.” I whisper as I try in vain to get the damn key in the ignition. I finally manage it, reverse as fast as I can, and speed away from Aimee’s.
Something isn’t right. That felt so fucking weird. Someone was watching me, I know they were. And in broad daylight! What am I supposed to do now? My stomach is turning over violently, tears of fear are stinging my eyes, and I feel like I’m about to throw up all over myself.
I jump and scream when my cell starts ringing. What the fuck? I’m a bag of nerves. I didn’t need this shit today. I can’t let this affect me, it was nothing, just my imagination like all the other times. Hell, I don’t want to be like this. I was never the jumpy girl, the scared girl. I was always happy, smiling, fun loving. Christ, I want to be her again. I guess I want to be the girl Hudson first fell in love with.
Is it even possible to be the carefree four-year-old you once were? I think that might be pushing it a little.
Twenty-two years ago…
This place is really scary. I don’t like it here. I don’t have any friends. No one likes me. Nobody lets me join in their games.
The boy across the table coloring his picture keeps looking up at me and smiling. He seems nice, but he hasn’t spoken to me yet. He has his name on the badge on his shirt. I can’t read what is says, though. I am no good at reading. I can’t even write my name. And it makes me sad because I am the only one in class who can’t. Not that everybody in my class can spell properly.
Mommy says I’m not smart like the other kids, but I am only four, and daddy says not a lot of four-year-olds can even spell their own name.
“Do you want to play a game?” The boy asks me nicely. I nod and take his outstretched hand. “Your name’s Caroline. I saw it on your bag.”
“You can read?”
He nods.
I can’t read yet.
He is very smart.
“Can’t you?”
“No. I try really, really hard, but I get mixed up. My mommy is a high school teacher. She tries to teach me, but she shouts at me because I can’t write my name either.” I sigh.
My mommy does shout a lot because I can’t read like my brothers. But they are older than me. I really do try, but it’s not very easy for me.
“I can help you to read and write. I’m very good at it. I can read as well as a ten-year-old. That’s what my mom says.” He shrugs like it’s nothing. But that’s a very big something.
“Wow, you are so smart. What is your name?”
“Sonny.” He smiles.
“My name is Callie.”
“But it says on your bag that your name is Caroline”
“That is my name, but I like to be called Callie. My daddy calls me Callie, and my brothers too.”
“Do you want to be my girlfriend, Callie?” I giggle at him and nod my head. “Great. That means I can kiss you.” And he did kiss me. He kissed me on the lips…
Present day…
“Hello?” I answer my phone, trying to sound like I’m not freaked out and crying.
“Baby,” His tone is a concerned one. It makes me smile a little, “are you okay? You sound upset.”
“I’m okay.”
“Lora called me, she said you left without telling anyone.”
&nb
sp; “I guess I just didn’t feel like having my mother yell how disgusting I am to the world any longer.”
He sighs loudly, he’s never been a big fan of my mother. And he’s never made any secret of that fact.
“Do you want me to come over? I can bring food? We can watch one of those chick flicks you like?”
I laugh out loud, he hates those films! But for some reason, he always watched them with me. Just because it made me happy.
“I’d like that.”
“Be there in an hour.”
“That long?” I can’t seem to keep the amusement nor sarcasm out of my voice. Whenever he comes over it takes him a few minutes, as if he’s been close by the whole time. But then he’s staying with his brother and Enzo doesn’t live all that far from me.
“I’m over at Turner’s Pass at the moment.”
Turner’s pass is the next town over, about twenty minutes away. I won’t ask what he’s doing there, it’s none of my business. It was once, but that was a long time ago now.
Eleven
Hudson
“That was amazin’, bro.” I tell my brother with a slap to his back. Cocky prick smirks as if to say, “I know.”
My brother is not only a firefighter, paramedic, and hotel owner, he’s also the best cage fighter this side of the atlantic. Undefeated as of yet. It’s been years since I saw him in action, so when he asked me to attend his fight this afternoon, I couldn’t say no.
It puzzled me a little, fights normally happen at night. I thought at first that this fight was some kind of setup. It’s not like everyone in the underground world of cage fighting doesn’t want to knock my brother of his perch.
But, it wasn’t, and the fight was over in the first minute. My brother laid a punch to his opponents gut, his face, an upper cut, and the guy was done without landing one punch on Enzo. And my brother made thousands!
Thousands of dollars for one minute of work? Fuck!
My brother wasn’t too pleased that he again didn’t get the fight he wanted. And he’d told me at the bar the other night how his fights are getting mundane. He’s bored with fighting men who shouldn’t really be setting foot in a ring with a man of Enzo’s caliber. He’s cocky, but I understood what he meant. That’s why he’s decided that until his manager brings him a fighter worth getting in the ring with, he won’t be fighting again.
Can’t say as I blame him.
His now girlfriend, Autumn, was here with him, as was Paige. Poor Paige. I watched her a couple times and the way she watched my brother with such love in her eyes it would’ve put Juliet to shame. My brother is no Romeo, though.
When he came out of the cage his eyes caught Paige for a second before smiling at Autumn and kissing her softly. I want my brother to be happy, but I’m worried he’s with the wrong woman for the wrong reasons. He’s told me himself that the baby Autumn is carrying isn’t his. And I applaud him for wanting to help her, but at what cost?
He could be happy with Paige. I know his heart lies with her. Will he ever admit it? I doubt it. Mores the pity. I have nothing against Autumn, she seems nice enough. But why the hell my brother is passing this baby off as his own when he doesn’t love the mother I’ll never know.
But Enzo is Enzo and nothing anybody says will change his mind once he’s made it.
“Coming for a drink, little brother?”
“Can’t, Callie called. Something’s up. I need to go over there and make sure she’s okay.”
He eyes me while wiping sweat from his bog body with a small towel. “How are things with you two?”
I lean back against the single locker in this dingy warehouse room. A poor substitute for a dressing room. “Good. I think.” I scratch my chin with my thumb. “There’s a lot she hides from everyone, especially me.”
“That’s understandable, Sonny. She went through a lot more than you realize. When you left…” He shakes his head before throwing the towel across the room.
He doesn’t need to tell me that Callie went through a lot when I left, I fuckin’ know she did. I may not as yet know what, but she’ll tell me, sooner or later. And I’ll be there to listen to it all. I don’t have it in me to push her too far right now. She’s not the girl I left behind. She’s not as broken as she believes she is either, but she is fragile.
I will bring her back to me. I will find away for her to talk to me about what she’s been through. When she can’t be strong, I will be.
I leave my brother with a promise to call him tomorrow and make my way over to Callie’s. I’m not sure if she’s eaten anything, so I stop off for pizza on the way. Half hour later I’m at her door. I knock a couple times but there’s no answer. I can hear Roxy barking but I can’t hear Cooper. Which is beyond weird.
I know she’s home, she told me she’d be here. I’m having no joy at the front door, so I make my way around back. The gates unlocked. Again, weird. The gate is never unlocked because of the dogs getting out.
I have a horrible knot in my stomach. Something doesn’t feel right.
Pushing through the gate everything looks normal. The garden is clean, the dog run empty. Sun loungers folded and staked away. Plants, flowerless in the winter cold. The backdoor looks secure. But on closer inspection I realize it’s unlocked. Again this is fucking weird. Callie never leaves the doors unlocked even when she’s home.
With a thundering heart, I close the door behind me and place the cooling pizza on the couch. Nothing looks out of place, nothing looks amiss.
“Callie?” I call her name as I walk through the house. “Baby, where are you?!” I yell a little louder. Then I hear her voice, singing. I haven’t heard her sing in a very long time.
Callie has an amazing singing voice. I once thought she’d be famous with that voice of hers. Her vocal tones are to die for. But she never wanted to be anything but Callie Ryker. God knows I wish I’d stayed and made that dream come true for both of us.
I follow the sound of her voice, the sad melodic sound of her beautiful voice. That heartbreaking lament she’s singing. I find her in her room, sitting on the floor by the door with her back against the wall. Cooper is lying beside her, his head on her thigh as she strokes his head and sings to him. Tears stream from her eyes and down her cheeks.
I crouch down beside her, Cooper doesn’t even move just whines a little as she sings. “What’s going on, beautiful? You had me worried for a while there.” I stroke the back of her head but she doesn’t even acknowledge that I’m even here. She just keeps singing to Cooper.
I let her sing while I get to my ass beside her and take her free hand in mine, stroking my thumb over her knuckles. When the song comes to an end she asks me, “What was life like for you when you were gone?”
She hasn’t looked at me yet. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this question at some point. We couldn’t go much longer not knowing. So I take a deep breath and begin. “I was messed up for a long time. When I left you,” I drop my head back against the wall in frustration. If it’s this hard for me to tell her my past, how hard is it gonna be for her to tell me hers?
“I spent the first year in a blur, Callie. I honestly remember nothing. I just went day by day drinking, working a job I managed to land at a construction company. I was basically a workaholic. I had no social life, but then I didn’t want one. I worked, ate, drank, slept. That was the extent of my life back then. I just wanted to forget everything.”
Losing my mother destroyed me and I couldn’t see past that, I couldn’t let the woman I loved help me grieve. I couldn’t even let my brother help me. So I ran from everything and everyone I loved.
“Then, I started to pull myself out of the funk. I got myself a better place to live, climbed the ranks at work. But my head was still mashed. I thought, Just a little longer and I’ll be fine. Just a little longer and I can go home to the woman I love.”
I look at Callie, she’s looking across the room, Cooper has taken himself to his bed beneath the window.
My girl looks
so lost, her eyes are vacant. I need to bring her back to me. She’s been doing so well these past few days. We’ve been doing good. What the hell happened from this morning to now to make her like this?
“But you didn’t come back to me.” She states quietly.
“I wanted to” And that’s the truth. “A little after a year after I left, I called Enzo. Told him I was ready to come home.” I sense her breathing a little deeper, trying to hold back tears. I don’t want her to cry anymore, but we both need this. I need to let it out, she needs to know the truth. “I asked him how you were. He told me that you’d moved on. You were dating someone else.”
“Oh, my god,” She sighs quietly. She has nothing to feel ashamed or badly about. I was the one who left her behind, did I really expect her to stay here pinning for me? Not really.
But I won’t lie to her, “It killed me, Callie. I didn’t expect you to wait around for me, but somewhere in my selfish mind, I hoped you would. And I know that was wrong of me in every way.”
“I wasn’t dating anyone.”
“What?” Yes, she was. Enzo would not have told me that if it wasn’t true! I squeeze her hand when she fails to answer me, “Baby, tell me what you mean.”
“You finish first. I want to know, Hudson. I want to know what your life was like. Then I’ll tell you about mine.”
I nod in agreement, even though she can’t see me doing it. I sit and tell her about the mundane existence I had without her. The depression I suffered and fought with the help of a shrink, who without I doubt I would’ve survived the grief of losing my mother.
I tell her about the handful of women I dated while I’d been gone, omitting the fact after I’d heard she was dating, I used sex to make me forget her. It didn’t work. Nothing I did made me forget Callie and what I’d done to her the day I walked away from her.
As I sit here listening to her sobs, it hits me just what I did to her that day. I had never been a selfish man until that point. From the age of four, she was all I thought about. My life revolved around her and I never looked into my future without seeing her right by my side.
