Tilly’s face contorted into an angry snarl and she began to respond until Cynthia silenced her with a sharp look and a hand on her arm.
Everyone was staring at her as if she had lost her mind.
“I’ll walk you out.” Cynthia put her arm on her back.
That’s when Miranda knew she had turned into someone else. Her outrage at the injustice consumed her. She was incapable of viewing anything without seeing it through the lens of her personal struggle.
She put her head in her hands and closed her eyes. What was she going to do? A light hand on her shoulder made her look up.
“Aunt Sophie.” She smiled.
“Mind if I join you? It was getting a bit stuffy in there.” She gave Miranda one of her trademark winks.
“Not at all. I was just out here feeling sorry for myself.”
They began to glide back and forth, companionably, comfortable with the silence between them.
“I was wondering…” Aunt Sophie looked at her. “I was wondering if you could come over and take some photos.”
Miranda was surprised. “Of course. What did you have in mind?”
“I don’t have many of Ce Ce and me. You know – she went through that teenage camera-shy stage and then she was off to college. I’d like to get some mother-daughter shots while I can.”
Miranda nodded. “What a lovely idea. I’d be happy to.” She sighed. “Ce Ce is so lucky to have you.”
Sophie turned to Miranda.
“I’m sorry that you’re suffering so.”
Miranda’s eyes welled up.
Sophie continued. “It isn’t fair. You should be a mother. If anyone deserves to have a child, you do. And what beautiful children you and Daniel would have.”
“Thank you. Thank you for not trying to make me feel better with empty platitudes and well-meant advice.”
“They do mean well, you know.” Sophie said.
“I know. But they don’t understand.” Miranda looked down the hill to the group of young children chasing each other around the sliding board. “We were supposed to have three by now. How arrogant we were. All planned out – one at thirty-four, one at thirty-six, and then if I wasn’t too exhausted, another at thirty-eight. What a joke. Now I’d do anything for just one.” She shook her head. “What is that expression – we make plans and God laughs?”
Sophie squeezed her hand. “We’re all guilty of that, sweetheart. How else can we live?”
Miranda sighed. “If I had only known, I wouldn’t have wasted those first five years. Would have tried right away. But I was too interested in my selfish plans. Save money, take our trips.” She put her head in her hands. “If only I’d known.”
Sophie was quiet. She took both of her niece’s hands in her own.
“You have to stop this.” Her voice was kind. “There is nothing to be gained by looking back. You spent those years building a foundation for your marriage. You chose Daniel for a reason – to build a life with him. You were right to do those things. And besides, the truth is, it you don’t know that it would have made any difference.”
Miranda shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Oh my dear Miranda. It’s not easy, but keep the faith. Things will work out one way or another. I believe in you.”
Miranda looked at the familiar face that she had loved so long.
“You always have. Even as a little girl I felt like you understood me.” She sighed. “Much more than my own mother.”
“Don’t be too hard on her, Randi. She loves you. We’re all limited by our capabilities. She wants to be there for you. I don’t think she knows how.”
Miranda wiped a tear from her face.
“I feel like I’m failing her. When I look at her, all I see is the question in her eyes and the shimmer leave when she realizes I’m still not pregnant.”
Sophie leaned back and looked up at the canopy covering the seat.
“I would venture to say she feels as though she’s failed you.” She looked at Miranda. “Honey, you are not a failure. Your body is not performing the way you need and that feels like a terrible betrayal. It is a terrible betrayal.” Her voice caught. “ But your body is not you.” She put her hand on Miranda’s cheek. “You are you. Be kind to yourself.”
She rose and walked into the house without another word.
Miranda continued to glide and thought about what her aunt had said. She did feel betrayed. She realized with dread that she was not only angry with her body – she hated it. How was she to expect it to create life when she despised it? She wasn’t foolish enough to think that a heavy dose of self-love was going to fix her fertility issues. But her current attitude couldn’t be helping either. She ran her hands up and down her arms. She thought about the support groups she had attended. Those women had been so angry and bitter. She hadn’t thought she was anything like them. She was exactly like them.
Her sisters were coming. She braced herself for what she imagined they had to tell her. Sarah was probably pregnant again. That must be why she hadn’t called Miranda lately.
“Hey,” Sarah called over.
“Hey. What’s going on?”
They each took a seat, one on each side of her.
Elaine looked at Sarah and nodded her head.
“We’ve got something to tell you.”
Miranda nodded.
“I think I can guess.” She turned to Sarah. “You’re pregnant.”
A look of confusion passed over Sarah’s face and she looked at Elaine again. “Um, no.”
Elaine put her arm around Miranda.
“It’s Aunt Sophie.”
Miranda’s blood ran cold.
“What?” It came out as a whisper.
Elaine shook her head and looked down at the ground.
“She doesn’t have much time.”
“No. No. No.” She couldn’t stop saying it. She stood up and walked in circles, her fists tight balls.
“Can’t they do anything? I thought it was under control?”
They shook their heads in unison.
Miranda ran into the house. Where was she? How could she have just sat there and pretended that nothing was wrong? The blood pounded in her ears and she brushed past her mother in a frantic attempt to find Sophie.
Her aunt was in the den chatting with her Daniel. They were alone.
“We need to talk.”
Sophie dropped the mask and her eyes filled with regret.
Daniel stood without a word and left. He shut the door behind him.
“Miranda, please sit.”
She didn’t move. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She wiped the wetness from her cheek with the back of her hand. “You just let me go on and on about my problems, and the whole time you knew.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the words.
Sophie rose and put her arms around her.
Miranda stood rigidly. She wasn’t ready to forgive her yet.
Sophie didn’t let her go. “Darling, I was going to tell you. But not today. You didn’t need it today.” She spoke softly.
Miranda returned her aunt’s embrace and clung to her. Her body shook as she sobbed. Sophie let her get it all out. Finally, Miranda took a deep breath and pulled back. She sat down on the sofa and Sophie joined her.
“How long have you known?”
“It’s not important.”
Miranda struggled to find the right words. “What am I going to do without you? What are we all going to do without you?” She thought about her cousin Ce Ce. She was still a child, only 18. It must be so difficult for her. She couldn’t imagine having to go back to college in another state knowing that your mother was at home dying.
Sophie winced and laid a hand on her side, her teeth clenched.
She’s in pain, Miranda realized with agonizing clarity.
“I’ve been so selfish. You must think I’m horrible.”
Sophie shook her head.
“No Miranda, I don’t. We’re all
selfish.” She squeezed Miranda’s hand. “Live your truth.”
Miranda tried to smile but when she met her aunt’s eyes her lips began to tremble again.
“Don’t write me off yet. I’m still here.” Another wink.
Miranda nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow. It’s supposed to be another lovely day. We’ll take some pictures by the water.”
“Sounds perfect.”
Miranda found Daniel. “Ready?”
When they reached the car he looked at Miranda before getting in.
“You okay?”
She tried to speak but was too overcome with grief.
She stared out the window while he drove home. The tears came again. Why Aunt Sophie? Where was the fairness in that? She couldn’t imagine a world without her beautiful and kind aunt. Too soon she would be only a memory. How much time had Miranda squandered by focusing only on the life she wished to create and ignoring the ones around her? An hour ago, the worst scenario she could envision was that her sister was pregnant again. What was wrong with her? “Be kind to yourself.” Aunt Sophie’s words echoed in her ears. She hadn’t been kind to anyone – least of all herself. Maybe she had been selfish and insensitive, but she wasn’t a terrible person – just a human being who had allowed the limitations of her body to define her. She placed her hands on her stomach. Don’t write me off yet.
Mother's Day Page 2
