“My arse is in danger?” I asked, trying to decipher her babbling. The vicious bird was more fluent in Pirate speak than I was.
With a swift swat to the back of my head with her wing, I went flying across the cabin. I was a damned Vampire Pirate and I was getting my arse handed to me by a bird. It was a fine thing that my crew wasn’t present.
“Talk to yer dad,” Bolly squawked, pointing her wing at me.
“Now?” I questioned, hoping to delay what was most definitely going to be a mortifying heart to heart with my father.
I had Sea Hags to destroy and a certain Mermaid to dodge. I didn’t have time for family reunions at the moment.
“NOW!” the feathered menace instructed.
She didn’t have to ask twice. Quickly waving a hand over my gushing artery, I stemmed the flow of blood and checked myself in the mirror. Damn, if I wasn’t a handsome son of a bitch. I could take on the world today.
Or at least I could take on my father… maybe…
4
Pirate Doug
“I’d really like you to call me Pappy,” Poseidon bellowed, uncorking a bottle of my finest rum and dancing around the deck of my ship like he needed to be medicated.
His Clam Band—whom he always traveled with and were literally six clams with arms and legs—played a teeth grinding medley of banjo tunes and grinned with delight at the bizarre antics of my insane father. Fish were jumping out of the water to catch a glimpse of the God of the Sea and the old man didn’t disappoint. He danced like a loon until he’d worked up a sweat and then doused his body with my fucking rum.
The man was enormous and terrifying. I’d often considered suggesting he dye his arse length green hair a more appealing color, but his wrath was legendary. I’d long ago decided to keep my fashion tips to myself. While my intellect might be questionable, my memory was excellent. I was still sporting a nasty scar from the time I’d offered up my opinion on his wearing a toga and what amounted to a diaper in the winter. Pappy’s attempts at getting closer over the centuries were becoming more frequent—and more alarming.
“Okay… Pappy,” I said slowly, savoring the word on my tongue. I liked it. “How about Pappy Poseidon?”
“How about no?” he shot back and took a healthy swig from the bottle. “I’ve come to apologize for ruining your life and to warn you about your future.”
“How about we just get wasted and call it a day?” I suggested gamely. Conversation never ended well for us. I usually ended up blowing one of my ships to smithereens in a temper tantrum when my father was about.
“While that appeals greatly, I have come for a reason. My therapist thinks that honesty is important. I have my doubts, but she is quite attractive with lovely bosoms so I’m going to give it a shot. Sit, boy.”
I did. I might be a five hundred year old Vampire Pirate, but when Poseidon told you to sit—you sat.
“Alrighty then,” he said, shrugging out of his rum soaked toga and tossing it overboard to the squealing female fish who followed him everywhere. “Son, I never intended for you to end up an undead bloodsucker of the Seven Seas.”
My eyes narrowed to slits. We’d been through this one before. I quite enjoyed being a Vampire. I had no idea how I’d become a Vamp, but the perks were fabulous. Yessss, I had to wear sunscreen—SPF 100 for total blockage—due to the burning to a crisp in the sunlight issue, but my regenerative powers were outstanding.
“Great. Apology accepted,” I said through clenched teeth. “Next?”
It wasn’t exactly wise to have a go at the God of the Sea, but I was going to do exactly that if the old man kept it up. If he really wanted to be honest he’d tell me who my damned mother was.
“Let me explain,” he continued with a chuckle. “I lost the Championship Olympian Charades Tournament about four hundred and seventy-two years ago which was utter bullshit considering I’m brilliant with pantomime. Who do you think taught Marcel Marceau all his moves? I’m still certain that bastard Zeus cheated, but that drunken sot Dionysus was judging and I think Zeus bribed him.”
“Does this have a point?” I asked with an eye roll.
“Of course it does,” Poseidon bellowed and finished off the rum. “Since I lost, I had to hand over my favorite child to be turned into a Vampire.”
“Seriously?” I questioned. The Gods were indeed crazy. Not that I was unhappy with the end result, but that was one fucked up game of charades.
“Yes,” he said sheepishly as my bird Rolly dive bombed him and crapped on his head.
It was the first nice thing the airborne shit monster had ever done for me. I grinned and gave the bird a thumbs up. However, since she was such an evil piece of work, she took a flying dump on me as well.
“Of course, I didn’t really think it all through. And as your mother—the greatest love of my life—was out shopping, I just grabbed you from the top of the pile and let them turn you,” he finished and then popped open another bottle of rum.
“Interesting,” I said, taking the bottle from his hand and downing half the contents. It was very difficult to tie one on for a Vampire, but a bit of liquid courage at the moment was necessary. “And my mother’s name?”
“All in good time, son,” Poseidon assured me as he signaled to his Clam Band. They began strumming a horrifying banjo medley of Phil Collins’ greatest hits. “Just know that your mother has been watching your every move for quite some time now.”
“That sounds rather frightening,” I choked out, glancing around for someone who could pass as my mother. I certainly hoped it wasn’t one of the clams.
“Trust me, boy,” Poseidon affirmed. “It scares the hell out of me too. The crazy harpy tries to castrate me every chance she gets. But the woman loves you something fierce. She cut a bizarre deal with Apollo to get permission to guard over you.”
“Why does the woman not show her face?” I demanded.
Pappy Poseidon shrugged his wide shoulders and sighed. “That I don’t know. However, you will know her when you meet her.”
“How?”
“She’s rather violent and has the mouth of a sailor,” he replied with a shudder. “Now on to the rest of the reason I’m here—besides the fact that you have outstanding rum. You need to beware the Kraken. The multi-legged menace is after my successor.”
“So why are you warning me?” I demanded. I really didn’t have time for this shit. I needed to get the mission done while keeping my pecker intact. This would get the Gnomes off my arse and then I could make a looting schedule for the summer. I was very busy.
“Are ya daft, boy?” Pappy shouted, slapping himself on the forehead and groaning. “You. You’re my successor—not that I’m going to retire anytime soon in the next millennia, but all Gods have heirs.”
“An heir and a spare?” I questioned, hoping one of the other nine hundred and twenty of my siblings might be ahead of me.
“You are my favorite, Pirate Doug,” Poseidon replied. “You will take my place. However, you need to get your shit together and become the god-in-training I know you can be.”
“Could you be a bit more specific?” I inquired. If having arse length green hair was part of the job description I was going to pass.
Poseidon looked to the sky and shook his enormous head. “You need to settle down with a nice immortal gal and quit your pilfering.”
My eyes narrowed and my fingers began to spit menacing sparks. “I’m quite good at pilfering and I enjoy it.”
“Yes well, you also have as many bounties on your head as you have brothers and sisters,” Pappy pointed out with a raised brow.
“Your point?”
“My point is that you will keep your eyes open for the Kraken. That giant ugly squid bastard is a deadly foe. I haven’t groomed you for nearly five hundred years to have you end up being lunch for that Titan son of a bitch. You feel me?”
“I do,” I replied, warming to the idea of eventually taking over for the old man. Looting the other Gods was wildly
appealing. “I shall be on watch for the Smacken.”
“Kraken,” Pappy said.
“Right. Kraken. Anything else?” I inquired.
“Yes. The one you are meant for hates your scoundrel guts. You shall need to prove your worth to her and her kind. This is important, boy. The Gods have decided the time has come for you to settle your randy ass down. Of course, the simpletons also thought it was a fine plan to turn you into a Vampire, but that’s neither here nor there at the moment.”
“That’s a little vague.” I wasn’t quite sure if I could get away with avoiding the command. I was outstanding at shirking responsibility… and looting… and fornicating.
“Yep, I’m good like that. Besides that’s all I know. Who exactly have you been seeing as of late?” Pappy asked.
“Define seeing,” I said.
“Manwhore,” my unwanted sidekick squawked and crossed her scraggly wings over her puffed up chest in disgust.
“Interesting,” Pappy said with a wide grin. “Well, I’d suggest you make a list of the women who despise you and then work your way down until you find your mate.”
“That could take a while,” I explained.
“A long, long, long, long, long, long…” the obnoxious bird chirped with a parrot cackle.
“Enough, Jolly,” I shouted. “The ladies love me! I’m Pirate Doug. My trouser snake is legendary and my staying power is unrivaled. I shall be able to figure this new conundrum out. I’m not stellar at math, but Upton has a calculator and says he knows how to use it.”
“Dipshit,” the parrot sang as she lit up like a deranged firework and bit a chunk of hair from my head. “Prove it.”
My Pappy was smart enough to run for cover and his Clam Band dove back into the ocean, banjos and all. Of course, my idiot crew was still nowhere to be seen. I just hoped the arses had found the cracker douchebucket. Dolly was on a rampage.
“I shall prove it,” I swore as I dove under a pile of ropes and hid from the bird. “You just wait, you hateful bag of feathers. I shall find my mate.”
5
Tallulah
“They left,” Misty said, letting her head drop forward in defeat. “I tried to get them to stay on—even offered them a free week at the lodge—but no go.”
I sighed as I tried to balance our books. Motherhumpin’ chicken of the sea, we were barely making it before the Sea Hags had terrorized our island. Now we were about to lose our shirts—not that we wore shirts. Bikini tops were more to our liking. Our hair and our eyes were set from birth. My color was lavender, Ariel’s was blue, Misty’s was emerald green and Madison’s was pink. Each Mermaid’s hair and eyes were unique to them and no two were alike. However, the color of our tails changed with our moods and our fashion choices. I always matched my tail—or when in human form, my sarong skirt— to my bikini top.
“All the humans are gone?” I asked.
“Every last one.”
“That’s probably better,” I said with a wide smile that I hoped didn’t look like a pained grimace. I was trying my damnedest to be positive. “As soon as our mystery backup arrives, we can destroy the Hags and then business will pick up. We’ll be saving money if we don’t have to ship in human food for a little while and I’ll temporarily suspend everyone’s salary—not that anyone has actually gotten paid in a year or two.”
“Or three,” Misty said with a grin.
“Of four,” I corrected her with a giggle.
“Don’t worry,” Misty said, putting her arms around me and hugging me tight. “We’ll be fine. If not, we can go back to Vegas and work in the Cirque Du Soleil water show again. That was fun and I got laid regularly.”
“You’re right. We’re Mermaids. Our kind has survived for thousands of years. We will not let a little setback get us down like no money, or a war with the Sea Hags, or a shittily located island or dire lack of beddable men. Of course, dying would suck.”
“Speak for yourself,” Misty said with a raised brow.
“You don’t think dying would suck?” I questioned, confused.
“Oh, that would definitely suck. However, you’re the only one lacking in the beddable men department. When was the last time you did the nasty?” Misty inquired.
“It was… umm… it must have been…”
“Dudette,” Misty said with a laugh. “Suffice it to say it’s been far too long since someone caught your eye and warmed your bed.”
I was silent because she was correct. Mermaids were the sirens of the sea. It was our calling to lure men in and indulge in hedonistic pleasure. In the olden days before my time—thank Poseidon—our kind used to ingest their paramours after seducing them. Now we were just normal gals with tails, very long lives—and healthy libidos.
And I had definitely been ignoring mine.
I just hadn’t found myself attracted to anyone in eons. However, it was time to change that sad fact. Maybe our saviors would be attractive. I could see myself with a hot Selkie or even a Werewolf as long as he wasn’t too hairy. Our luck was changing. I could feel it in my fins.
Today was the day I started living again.
“They’re coming,” Ariel shouted as the Mermaids squealed and assembled on the beach.
Our pod was small—only fifteen—but with all the homeless Mermaids in the Bermuda Triangle shacking up with us at the moment our number had reached about a hundred. It was getting increasingly difficult to house all of the displaced gals, but thankfully many enjoyed slumbering in the pool. At least fifty slept in the Olympic sized pool at night and about fifteen caught their Z’s in the hot tub. It wasn’t the best situation, but we were making do.
“Ohhhh,” a Mermaid with bright orange hair from a neighboring island cooed, shuddering with delight and adjusting her bikini top so her breasts were literally popping out of it. “Men on a ship!”
As if on cue, about eighty of the horny idiots dropped their tops and began jumping up and down. I was surprised a few didn’t knock themselves out with the size of their assets.
Rolling my eyes and looking up to the Heavens, I reminded myself that it would be bad form to annihilate my species just because the vast majority were loose in the morals department. I had my hands full at the moment. There was no way in Poseidon’s Seven Seas I could teach my kind to behave in a ladylike manner in five minutes.
“Nope,” I shouted and shot a warning blast of purple magic into the air. “These men are not here for our pleasure or theirs. They are here to help us fight off the Sea Hags. If anyone so much as flashes a tit at them, I will put you in the Under Water Pokey. Am I clear?”
Nodding unhappily, the masses covered up their goodies and pouted. It was difficult leading hordes of horny women, but I wasn’t bullshitting them. I’d incarcerate any randy swimming hooker who derailed my plans to save the island. Sadly, most of the Mermaids on the beach were worthless in the fighting department. It was why the Hags had been successful at taking over their islands. We were created by Poseidon for pleasure—not war. However, some of us had evolved with necessity and the Mermaids of the Mystical Isle Pod had definitely rolled with the tide.
“What the ever-lovin’ tuna?” Ariel muttered, squinting out at the slowly approaching ship. “Is that a Pirate ship?”
“Looks like it,” Madison said with a shit-eating grin. “And that flag looks vaguely familiar. Don’t ya think so, Tallulah?”
I froze and glared at the ship out on the horizon. This could not be happening. Of all the freakin’ deadly immortals that could have been sent to help, it had to be him? Did the nimrod have a death wish? Was he unaware of whom he’d agreed to aid? Was he simply an idiot?
I quickly pushed away the ridiculous zing of pleasure that sizzled through me at the thought of seeing the sticky-fingered imbecile again and instead focused on dismembering the son of a bitch. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, lose your joystick.
“Mother of Pearl in a jock strap,” I hissed, doing a few jumping jacks to get limbered up. “Sorry, bu
t I’m gonna have to kill the backup. Maybe if we teach the hookers on the beach to fight, we can take the Sea Hags without help.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Misty said with wide eyes and a grunt of laughter. “How about we let Pirate Slug and his crew of dummies help us defeat the Hags and then we off them? Not sure there’s enough time in the near future to train an army of gals who would rather be painting their nails than fighting.”
“Point,” I agreed as the blood pumped through my veins and my adrenaline spiked. “Can I deck him though?”
“Absolutely,” Ariel said. “We’ll help.”
“No,” I said as my lavender locks began to blow around my head and my magic drew close to the surface. “He’s all mine.”
Pirate Doug was about to rue the day he’d been born.
“Wait, what the hell is happening out there?” I asked as the sea whipped up into a violent storm and tossed the ship full of idiots around like rag dolls.
“Did you cause a hurricane?” Misty asked, watching in shock as enormous waves almost capsized the ship.
“Nope, not that I wouldn’t like to, but we’re kind of screwed at the moment. I was going with the plan to kill them after they help us,” I said, wondering what to do.
“Do you think it’s the Sea Hags?” Madison asked.
“Doubtful. Those stinky buttcracks don’t have that much power,” I replied.
“What kind of creature can cause that kind of damage?” Ariel inquired.
“Well, umm… Pirates can,” I said with an eye roll and a shake of my head.
“Are they that stupid? I mean, they’re about a mile offshore. Did they think that forcing us to save their asses would be impressive?” Misty asked as she winced at the violent show we were observing.
“We’re not going anywhere,” I lied through my teeth. “If those idiots can’t sail a ship, they sure as hell can’t fight off Sea Hags.”
Tallulah's Temptation: Sea Shenanigans Book One Page 3
