And that’s when I broke down and cried.
I spent much of the weekend playing the sick card, although how I felt wasn’t far from it. It was okay talking to Jayden on the phone here or there because I didn’t have to be at peak performance, so if my behavior was less than normal, it wasn’t a big deal. But even just the sound of her beautiful voice was too agonizing for me to stand.
I used the time to deeply ponder all my options, but it didn’t take long to realize I didn’t have any. There wasn’t anything I could do without altering her future somehow. I wondered if talking to Joe would accomplish anything, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to convince him of how far these people would go. I didn’t believe Jayden and her friends would be safe, and I didn’t believe Olevsky’s organization could be taken down effectively. It would be impossible to end this. I had no idea the people he had available to take care of anything he needed, and the sad conclusion was that Olevsky would out-maneuver the police on any given day.
The only choice I was left with was how I was going to break it off with her. I was already prepared for myself to suffer, but I didn’t want her to be hurt. But how else would she take it? My biggest fear was that she’d know something was wrong and she would try to talk to me until I told her everything. I couldn’t allow that to happen. What if she went to her dad and Olevsky found out? For her own safety I had to keep the truth from her. I only had two choices: I either had to hurt her so badly that she would never want anything to do with me again, or I had to somehow make her decide on her own we shouldn’t be together.
I had no idea if I could pull off either one.
I didn’t even want to think about the things I could do to make her hate me. Plus, if I ever did have the chance to get her back, would she ever take me back? I could tell her there was someone else, but I wouldn’t even make it halfway through that lie. I could tell her I didn’t want to get married anymore, or have kids. Maybe I could use my prior feelings on that subject to create the issue all over again. But I knew it wasn’t something she would leave me over. Maybe after time, but I didn’t have time. I thought about the different reasons I could leave the area, but whatever it was that took me away, she would want to come with me.
The same question kept pounding through my head: Why was it necessary for me to break up with her? What did that have to do with keeping the organization a secret? The answer pissed me off: absolutely nothing. I already knew what would happen if I ever told anyone, and I didn’t plan on ever doing so. But Dean had a personal vendetta and he was using Olevsky to carry it out. And Olevsky must be in something really heavy in order to resort to such juvenile terms. I always pictured him as untouchable; no one was more powerful than him. But obviously he was dealing with someone of importance, and the one person that could help him out would rather see me dead.
I thought about talking to Dean, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. Maybe there was something I could do for him, though. Maybe he’d allow me to trade something else and I wouldn’t have to lose Jayden. I knew it was hopeless, but I told myself I would at least try. But he was so sinister. I could only imagine what he’d have in mind, and even if I did carry out one of his requests, I knew I wouldn’t be the kind of person that would deserve to be with Jayden anyway.
It was the stupidest thing in the world, but I decided I would either break up with her the traditional way—I’m sorry but I can’t be with you anymore, I’m a jerk, it’s not you, blah blah—or I would seriously have to leave town and…write her a letter? That actually seemed like the easiest way (the coward’s way). I wasn’t even strong enough to lie to her, to break her heart and listen to her question me, so maybe a simple letter telling her that we couldn’t be together would be the best way. That way I could just tell her I had some things to take care of, pray she would forgive me, and hope we could be together sooner than later.
And I still wished that something would change and I wouldn’t have to do it.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Sometimes I feel like doing something completely foolish all of a sudden, pray that it works and receive the result that I want, and if it fails, admit that I was wrong and apologize later. I felt that way several times when I wanted to tell Jayden that I loved her for the first time. I almost wanted to shout it from the baseball field. I was hoping that she loved me too, and would shout it right back to me. I thought about it other times too, like in the middle of a date, or while I was kissing her.
I remember feeling that way when I wanted to do or say something wrong as well. Why not just do it, or blurt it out, and then see where it gets me? I was in a sporting goods store one time—I was about eleven or twelve—and I wondered what it would be like to just steal something. I really didn’t have anything good in my life, so I didn’t even care if I got caught. Maybe they’d send me somewhere that was better than living with my father. Without a second thought, I picked up a baseball and just walked right out of the store.
Nothing happened, and I was even disappointed.
During the week I got that urge almost a dozen times. I wanted to just tell Jayden that I was in trouble, but I couldn’t explain it to her right then. I wanted to tell her that she was going to have to be without me for a while, but I would come back for her. I just couldn’t do it, though. I trusted her with any secret that I held, but I was just too scared to take that risk. I wanted to use impulse as an excuse, to just do it and hope for the best, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to her.
I went through the motions for the week of going to work, and spending the evenings with Jayden. We didn’t even go anywhere in public, and I was hoping my excuses were subtle enough. Monday and Tuesday I was still ‘a little tired’ from being sick over the weekend. I was so thankful Wednesday and Thursday were rainy and we both agreed to stay indoors. But we were invited to go out to dinner with Jack and Megan on Friday night, and Jayden seemed really excited, so I couldn’t bail out of that one. But it was miserable for me, listening to them talk about their honeymoon and looking at new houses. I forced myself to ask questions just to appear interested, but the worst part was forcing myself to appear happy. I didn’t know how much I could take, making Jayden be with me while I was just living out the rest of my time with her. It was a lie. It felt deceitful.
While we were leaving the restaurant and walking to the car, Bobby Harris was passing by on the sidewalk. I was used to just disregarding anyone that was a part of the organization, and this time was no different. But my heart panicked when Bobby actually spoke to me.
“Hey, Ty! What’re you up to?”
He was also on something, and I knew this could be a risky situation.
“Not much,” I replied, trying to move on.
“Hey, is that Jayden?” He was looking at her with a smile. “I haven’t seen you for a while.”
She actually stepped closer to him and frowned. “Bobby, what are you on?”
He kind of laughed. “Oh, uh, just a little…you know…the usual.” He looked between the two of us as I was subtly trying to lead us away. “You two on a date?” he seemed to figure out.
“Bobby, you shouldn’t be roaming around town like this,” Jayden told him. “Maybe I should call my dad and have him haul you in. I told you I was going to clean you up one of these days. If you won’t go to rehab—”
“I can’t afford one of those prison things that make you go through death before you pass all their requirements.” Jayden was about to say something but he stopped her and added, “And I don’t take handouts. Anyway,” he said to me. “How come you never mentioned you had her?” he pointed. “She’s the jackpot, man. I’m really jealous,” he chuckled. “Well, I gotta go. I’m heading to—”
He stopped abruptly, hopefully because his conscience returned and he was about to say something he shouldn’t.
“—To the other street,” he finished, and he started walking. “Okay, bye.”
Jayden looked a little perplexed
as I took her hand and completed the walk to the car, but not before she asked, “How do you know Bobby?” I held her door while she got in, and then walked around the other side. She was still waiting for my answer when I sat down.
“How do you know him?” I casually asked as I started the engine.
“Oh, I went to school with him. Since grade school, even. But I think he dropped out in ninth grade, maybe. I don’t remember. I still see him around occasionally.”
“And you’re willing to give him money?” I asked as we pulled onto the street.
“Money?”
“Yeah, he said something about handouts.”
“Oh. Three years ago I promised I would pay for him to go to rehab.” She shrugged. “I still don’t know why he won’t.” I nodded, not sure if I should respond at all, or just drop it, but she asked, “So how do you know Bobby? He seemed to know you well.”
“Oh, uh…work,” I answered.
“You mean he’s a customer? He doesn’t even have a car.”
Hopefully she didn’t see me swallow before I answered, “Oh, I know. But he’s walked by a few times, so I’ve talked to him before. Nice guy. Too bad he’s always in orbit.”
She made a noise of agreement. “Yeah.”
I was very thankful when she changed the subject, even if it was about wedding plans.
Saturday’s events were a little unexpected. Jayden was at the college for most of the day, assisting students in the music department with choosing and planning their projects for the year. She was also going to be helping one of them plan a music festival for the spring.
A week had passed and I still hadn’t heard from Olevsky. I was beginning to let a little hope creep into my miserable existence, but I quickly shoved it aside. I had the worst feeling in the world and I couldn’t get rid of it. I spent much of the morning trying to compose the letter I wanted to leave for Jayden. I didn’t write any of it down, though. It almost seemed that if I did, it was too real, and I didn’t want to make it real yet. I was given a week to decide how I was going to break it off and I figured I should stick with the letter—it was the safest bet. I didn’t trust what I might say to her once I was actually in the situation for real.
Dean called me that afternoon, and just the sound of his voice made me want to strangle him. He only told me to meet him at The Riverside and then hung up. There was a cab already waiting for me outside of my house. I had no idea what to expect, and I told myself a dozen times that I needed to stay calm and not provoke him in any way. Maybe there was still a way I could negotiate with him.
It was the middle of the day and there were a few people at the café. But I walked straight to the back corner and sat down to face Dean’s ugly smile.
“Hey, Ty. Nice to see you.” I tried to remain neutral but didn’t say anything, so he shrugged. “So anyway, I hear there’s an awful break-up in the works between you and your girlfriend. That really sucks, man.”
I felt my anger beginning to rise, so I took slow, silent breaths to curb it. But he knew I was furious; I could tell by the amused look on his face.
“You’re probably wondering why you’re here,” he finally said.
“Yes, the thought crossed my mind. So why am I here?”
“Why do you think you’re here?”
Games. He always had to play games. “I haven’t a clue,” I sighed. “But I assume it isn’t good.”
He laughed. “I was hoping you’d assume that.” He paused, maybe to wait for my response, but I remained quiet. “Actually you’ve assumed wrong. I was wondering if you’d like to forget about ending your relationship with Jayden Adams.”
My heart skipped a beat. But I had no idea if he was actually serious, so I tried not to show a reaction.
“See, I’m kind of a jerk if you haven’t noticed,” he smiled. “You piss me off sometimes and I really don’t have the patience for pretty boy jocks like yourself. I don’t have time to explain all of my reasons, but I think it was a little harsh of me to mess with your life like that. If you promise to keep your mouth shut, we won’t have to take drastic measures. This was just a little taste of the damage I can cause, Ty, so don’t screw me over again. So what do you say? You ready to forget about the whole thing and go on with your life?”
As excited as I was to do so, I was still very cautious about what was going on. Was it really all just a game to make me miserable? Did Dean intend on doing this from the beginning, or did something change? I desperately wanted to know, but asking questions wasn’t something that I thought I should do. However, there was one question that I couldn’t keep from asking.
“Are you going to change your mind in another week?”
He actually laughed. “Ty, get out of here. Just count your blessings and keep your mouth shut.”
I waited for about five seconds to make sure he was done talking, and then I did get up to leave, just in case he did decide to change his mind.
“Oh, and Ty?” he called after I turned to walk away.
I slowly turned back around, bracing myself for what might come out of his mouth.
With a fake smile he said, “Have a happy birthday tomorrow.” His smile caused me to worry, but I thanked him anyway and got the hell out of there.
I was prepared to walk the eight miles across town to the college, but the cab was still waiting for me outside. When it dropped me off, the driver again told me the fare had been taken care of. With a shrug I let it be; I didn’t want to question it. I had called Jayden on the way there and told her I was walking over. She assumed I was coming from my house when I said I’d be there in a few minutes, and she was waiting for me outside of the performing arts center when I got there.
“Hey, I think I know you,” she smiled as I approached.
I gave her a hug and held her extra long; I was so relieved that Dean had changed his mind. But the worst part was how much control he had over my life. He’d even made Olevsky do what he wanted, and that was probably the biggest point he wanted to make.
I held her face in my hands and kissed her. “I love you,” I told her.
“I love you, too,” she replied. Then she studied me carefully and asked, “Everything okay?”
“Mmhmm,” I nodded. “Everything’s great. I was wondering if I could take you on a date when you’re done. Nothing fancy, just something simple. Dinner and a movie, or whatever you’d like to do.”
She smiled. “Dinner and a movie sounds wonderful. And I’m actually done, so come with me. I’ll grab my guitar and we can take off.”
We walked into the building and down the hall to one of the larger classrooms she had been in. She said departing words to a few people and we left down the other hall and out the back door. The guitar went into the backseat of her car and we headed out.
I asked about her day and enjoyed listening to her voice. She explained some of the projects that were being planned, and was impressed with how talented a couple of the students were.
“There’s this girl named Ida. She can play almost any string instrument there is. She’s amazing. There’s a song that I do with Shawn—it’s called ‘All This’—and it would sound great with some of her string compositions. I played it for her, and even just her additions with the violin and cello were incredible. We went into the sound room and recorded the tracks,” she smiled, pulling a disk out of her purse, and slipping it into the CD player.
I recognized the song right away, even with it just being instrumental, and spent several seconds listening to the changes. “Wow, that sounds awesome,” I told her.
“You think so?”
“Yeah, that’s a song you wrote, isn’t it?”
She nodded. “We didn’t record the vocals though—I can do that separate if I want—but I just wanted to have her strings on there to see what Shawn thought.”
“What’s his opinion gonna do?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s your song. You can do whatever you want to it without his approval.
”
She shrugged. “I’ll never perform it without him. I’m the one that joins his shows,” she smiled. “It’s up to him what gets put in the lineup. I would very much like for Ida to join us on that song for a couple of shows, just like Amos does with the keyboards.”
It was so odd to me that it worked that way. I really liked Shawn, and I thought he was an incredible performer, but I didn’t know if his shows would be as good without Jayden. Maybe I was just too partial to her and it wasn’t a fair assessment, but based on what Matt told me about Rod Halverson, I knew I was right on the money.
We ate dinner at a Thai restaurant we sometimes went to. We sat together in a booth in the back corner, and although it wasn’t something we did a lot of while we were in public places, I couldn’t keep myself from kissing her while we had the privacy.
When the food arrived, we talked about living arrangements for a while. Jesse didn’t move back in with me when the school year started since Jayden and I were going to get married. He was now living with Devin and Everett in another house. Jayden wanted to live in my house for a few months while we took our time finding something together, maybe in the spring. She was hoping to be pregnant by then, and just the thought of having a baby with her was thrilling to me. I never thought I would ever want a family so badly. I guess I realized what I really wanted in life when it was almost all taken away from me.
One change that Jayden had made—which she was still trying to get used to—was not teaching music. We had discussed it many times because I wanted to be sure it was a decision she was sure of. She told me that she did love to teach, but it was more of a hobby to her until she had other things in her life, like a husband and kids. Our lives really were beginning to blend, and after everything that I’d just gone through because of Dean, I wasn’t going to take one second with her for granted.
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