by Molly Evans
Eyes closed, humming softly, Ellie sat in a chair and rocked Myra, who was fast asleep on her shoulder. The sight almost made his knees go weak. Together, they were simply stunning. And something he wanted with every fiber in his soul. He didn’t dare to try to make the dream a reality. Disappointment like that would destroy him.
Gathering his strength, he moved into the room and sat on the bunk nearest to them. Reaching out, he touched the small, perfectly shaped little foot with his finger. He was an uncle and had been around babies a lot, but the sight of such miniature perfection made him appreciative of the process of Mother Nature all over again.
Ellie opened her eyes and met his. The softness, the beauty in her face, made him want more than he knew he should. Wanting her, wanting a family of his own, was a dangerous undertaking when his illness could return at any time. That thought never left him.
“Is she asleep?” Ellie asked.
“Yes,” he whispered and swallowed down the desperate needs trying to surface inside of him.
Ellie moved Myra and placed her back on the bunk, covering her with her light blanket. “Isn’t she just beautiful?” Ellie asked, looking at the baby, then she looked up.
Holding her gaze, Mark had to agree. “Yes. She certainly is beautiful.”
“You’re not even looking at her.” Ellie swallowed, and her gaze flashed to his mouth.
The tension between them was suddenly palpable, and he wanted to reach out to her more than he ever had. “That’s okay. I see a beautiful babe right in front of me.”
Ellie walked out of the ward room, and Mark followed her to the front. She turned to face him and opened her mouth to speak, but didn’t have a chance to say a thing.
Mark was right behind her and stepped in close, cupped her face and kissed her. Hot and hungry for her, he gave her no options except to answer him with the same heat. Parting her lips, he delved his tongue and found her eager response. Oh, she was so sweet and pliant to his touch.
In an instant, his body hardened, ready to take this little embrace to its final fruition. Though his bodily functions had returned to normal since his illness, he hadn’t tested himself yet with a woman, not wanting to fail her or himself. The humiliation and disappointment of being impotent after surviving his life-threatening ordeal was something he hadn’t wanted to discover one way or another, but now, while folding Ellie into his arms, he was more motivated than ever to test himself. With her approval, of course.
Her approval came in the form of a throaty moan and melting softly against him. Not wanting to resist the sweet temptation of her, he knew he had to. So many conflicting emotions swirled inside of him, he couldn’t make sense of any of them. And for the moment he didn’t try. He simply enjoyed the sweet feel, the sweet taste, the sweet fragrance, of Ellie in his arms.
Finally, he lifted his head and pressed his forehead to hers as they caught their breath from the embrace that had taken them both by surprise. With his hands still cupped around her face, he held her softly. She was what he wanted, but his future was so unknown, so uncertain, that he knew he didn’t have the right to want her so badly. She was backed up against the worktable, and he wanted to lie her down on it and strip her bare. The needs raging inside him nearly made him tremble.
Reaching up, she clasped her hands around his wrists and squeezed, though she didn’t move away. “Wow. What was that for?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I just needed it.” And that was the base truth. He needed to be touched, to feel again, to express the emotions churning inside of him. Curving her hair back behind her ears he lifted his head, and she looked at him, cautious desire filling the depths of her eyes and her face. “Not that this is your problem, but I haven’t made love since my illness.” He smiled at the surprise on her face. “And to be brutally honest, Ellie, you’re the first woman I’ve wanted to make love to since then.”
“Oh.” Her brows shot up. “Oh! Well, then.” She dropped her gaze and started to move back from him.
“I’ve made you uncomfortable now, haven’t I?” Damn. Sometimes he didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.
“No. Well, maybe a little.” She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt and gave a nervous laugh.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. I just wanted to kiss you.” Turning away, he ran a hand through his hair. “There’s something going on between us. An attraction I hadn’t looked for or expected to find. Especially not here at camp.”
“Me, either. It’s certainly surprising, but not unwelcome.”
Dammit. He knew he should tell her the entire story, but somehow, in the speaking of it aloud, he almost gave life to the fears he didn’t want to acknowledge. Vicki had said he should tell Ellie everything, but he didn’t know if he should, wasn’t sure he had the right words. What purpose would it serve if they were going to go their separate ways in a few more weeks?
“Mark?”
The sound of her soft voice made him turn back to her.
“There’s more to your story than you’ve told me, isn’t there?” She patted the worktable beside her and hopped onto it. Joining her there, he gave a deep sigh and decided to tell her the story that had been eating him alive inside.
“There’s way more. So much more I’m afraid to say it out loud.” His voice was rough with the emotions he’d tried to hide from her and from himself, but it obviously hadn’t worked.
She took his hand and held it. “Why don’t you just start talking, then stop when you’re done?”
Compassion flowed from her into him, and he knew this was why she was such a good nurse, a good person, and needed this break from ICU nursing. She gave a lot of herself to others, but he didn’t see that she was able to take much back from others who wanted to give a little to her.
“When I was diagnosed with testicular cancer just over three years ago, I thought for sure my life was over.”
At her shocked gasp, he cringed inside. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to say it, but he just had to tell his story. It was nearly alive inside him, clawing to get out.
“I’m sorry. Keep going.” She squeezed his hand and urged him on.
“After diagnosis and surgery, I spent months in treatment hell. I developed a new appreciation for what our patients go through. There’s no way to describe the experience, other than to say I survived it.”
“Vicki did tell me that your fiancé bailed on you when you were sick.”
“Yeah. She bailed all right. In the first week of treatment.” He snorted and shook his head in disgust. “She couldn’t bear being around ‘all those sick people,’ which included me.”
“How selfish.” Ellie clapped her hand over her mouth a second, then touched his arm. “I’m sorry. You must have loved her once.”
“Not really. Amazingly enough, what I thought was love was somehow not. She was beautiful, but so shallow you could see right through her. For some reason I was looking for a woman who would make a good ‘doctor’s wife,’ rather than looking for a friend and a life mate.” He took a deep breath. “Having her take off really made me realize what was important in life and what was simply icing.”
“Surely your family was with you through your treatment and recovery.”
“Yes, they were. You mentioned your father died from cancer, so you know it’s tough on a family, but it pulled us together, and we’re closer than we ever were.”
“Mom and I are much closer, too. So at least that’s one good outcome from Dad’s illness.” She turned to face him. “So you told me that you’ve been clear of the disease for three years?
“That’s right. Three years and counting.”
“And you haven’t found anyone of interest in that time?” The surprise in her eyes warmed him. “Seriously?”
“No.” It was that simple. “Seriously.” Until now at least.
“I find that hard to believe, Mark. You work with a lot of women in the hospital.”
“Yep, I do. My sisters have even tried to fix me up with their fr
iends, but there’s just not been the right chemistry with anyone.”
Silence hung between them. “You said you haven’t made love, but have you…test-driven…yourself?” She clapped her hands over her face and turned a glorious shade of red. “I can’t believe I just asked you that. I’m so sorry, don’t answer that.”
Mark chuckled, then a laugh, the likes of which he’d not felt in years, burst out of him. And he laughed until tears dribbled from his eyes. Off the table, he couldn’t hold himself upright and he doubled over, laughing and laughing.
Ellie joined him. Reaching out, he hugged her to him, until the laughs subsided to small tremors that still shook him, and he had to sit down. “Yes, I have, so the parts work. However, taking my engine for a test-drive, as you say, and putting it through an endurance race, are two entirely different things.”
“I suppose they are.” She wiped away a tear from her face.
“The big issue, too, is that I don’t know whether the sperm I make is viable.” That was something he hadn’t wanted to tackle yet, either. Somehow not knowing the answer to that was better than knowing he was infertile.
“You haven’t done testing since the treatment?”
“No.” He shrugged, the humor of the moment beginning to fade. “I haven’t wanted to find out. If I’m not in a serious relationship, what’s the point?” And since he wasn’t going to be in a serious relationship until he made it to his fifth cancer-free year, there was no point. Having the information wouldn’t solve anything if he was still going to die.
“The knowing might bring you some peace of mind, don’t you think? I don’t know a lot about testicular cancer, but I’ve read that storing sperm before treatment can give you some hope for children later.”
“If you survive the treatment and the first five years, you mean?” He squelched the bitterness that wanted to leap out of him. Sometimes the emotions of it all just got to him, though he tried not to let it take over his life.
“Well, yes.”
“I did save sperm, but I always preferred doing things the old-fashioned way, especially when it comes to children. I’d rather not create my children in a lab if I don’t have to.” He shook his head and took in a breath, willing the pain of that thought to go away.
“That would probably be everyone’s first choice. For some people, that’s the only way they can have children.”
“I know. I know. And it’s a wonderful option, but at this point, for me, it’s just moot, since there isn’t a line of women beating down my door to marry me and bear my children, is there?” The last one had left him when he’d needed her the most, and he’d not wanted anyone in his life since then.
“Mark,” she said, and he heard the reproof in her tone. “That’s a nasty thing to say about yourself. There’s a lot more to you than being a sperm donor and making babies. You could have a wonderful relationship with someone, even if you never had children.”
“I know. I know. I didn’t mean to unload my problems on to you, Ellie, I’m sorry.” He ran a hand down her arm. “You’ve started to become a good friend, and I didn’t need to do that to you.” Irritated with himself, he started for the door, but her hand on his arm stopped him.
“You weren’t unloading problems, Mark. And you are starting to be a good friend. Until that last crack, we were good.”
Anger in her face and eyes surprised him. He hadn’t expected that. “But?”
“Friends share things, and you don’t need to police what you say to me.”
The compassion, the interest, in her eyes nearly made him want to reach out to her in a way he hadn’t allowed himself to reach out for years. But something stopped him. “There are just some things that you don’t need to hear. That’s all.” Some things he could hardly stand to hear himself.
“Mark! Just stop it, will you? Have you listened to yourself? You sound like you’re ninety-five years old and ready to give up.”
“I can’t help it, Ellie! Until you go through this experience yourself, face your own death, you can’t know how deeply you’re going to be affected.” He was surprised at how emotional he’d gotten. Tremors of rage he thought he’d suppressed pulsed through him. Clenching his jaw tight for a moment, he refused to give in to the emotion of the moment.
“I understand that. I’m not saying that I know what you’re going through, or what you’ve been through, but I have suffered in ways that you don’t know.” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “I just want you to know that I can be here for you, that I can listen when you need to talk.” Pausing, she knelt beside him and took his hands in hers, but she didn’t look at him, keeping her gaze on their entwined hands. She pointed to her left ring finger. “There used to be an engagement ring on this finger.” Her voice dropped to an emotional whisper.
“What happened?” Sick with anticipation, he gripped her hands in his, almost knowing what she was going to say. Now he knew he didn’t have the right, shouldn’t have the want, to desire her. She’d been through too much emotionally already, and he’d only give her more.
“The man I was to marry, to build a life with, wouldn’t share me with my family. We had been together for years and had every intention of fulfilling the all-American dream.”
Unable to resist, he reached out to stroke her hair. “And the dream faded?”
“More like it was shattered by a narcissistic idiot who thought the world revolved around him.” Now, she looked up at him, the passion of righteous anger blazing from her eyes, and he almost pulled away from the intensity of her. “When I paid more attention to my father during his illness than Alan, he couldn’t take it. He got pissy, then angry, then he sulked. Do you know that when a man sulks, it’s a massive turnoff?”
Suppressing a grin, he said, “I’ll try to remember that.”
“Anyway, he never said it in so many words, but he wanted me to choose between him and my dying father. Do you believe that one?” She stood and paced in front of him.
“Obviously, you chose your father.”
She snorted. “Obviously. I figured if we were truly meant to be together he’d still be there after things settled down with Dad, but it didn’t, and he wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Ellie,” he said, and meant it. A bad heartbreak could scar a person for life.
“He made a promise to me, and he broke it. It’s that simple.” She turned to face him, giving him a stare that all nurses seemed to possess. “There are no guarantees in life, Mark. You know this. People say one thing and do another. They change, they change their minds, they simply just go away. You’d do well to reach out and embrace whatever you can in life, because you don’t know how long it’s going to be there. If you’re waiting for some miracle woman to show up at the right moment in your life, you may be waiting a long time.” She huffed out a sigh and seemed to withdraw into her own mind for a second. “I loved a man and lost him. Yes, it hurt, but I’ve moved on. I don’t want to get hurt again, but we don’t know what’s around the next corner, or the next one, or the one after that. All we can do is reach out to what’s right in front of us and hold on.”
Cries from the ward room halted their conversation. Saved by the baby. “Guess this conversation is over.” How could he tell her that he simply couldn’t reach out the way she suggested? She’d been through enough pain in her life and though she said reaching out was the way to go, he didn’t want to knowingly cause her pain.
Ellie moved toward Myra, then paused. “For now. But it’s not over, Mark. We still have more than half the summer left.”
Nodding, Mark left the confines of the infirmary, and wished he could leave his dark mood behind as easily.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
VICKI and Sam returned to the infirmary, collected the baby and headed to their hotel for the night. There simply wasn’t enough room in the infirmary for all of them to stay comfortably. That was okay with Ellie. She liked her space as well as her friends.
The summer heat loaded with hum
idity had descended, and she couldn’t sleep anyway. Pressure in the air seemed to force her muscles to work harder than usual to accomplish the same tasks. The air-conditioner unit in her room blasted away, but it was heated dreams and raw desires that kept her from falling into a deep sleep. Humidity was just an excuse.
Mark’s touch, the scent of him, the taste of him and the feel of his body against hers, drove her to a state of restlessness that she hadn’t anticipated. Desire was something she’d put on hold through her father’s illness and now that she’d found some freedom outside of the hospital and the controlling relationship she’d had with Alan, it appeared that her body had also found the freedom it needed to respond as fully as it wanted to.
Dreams were hot and sweaty, with familiar bodies straining together, and she woke with a desperate need in her, a need that had been awakened and refused to go away. Mark was down the hall. He was the source of her current situation. He was also the solution.
Could she take that tiny step, that giant leap, toward him, to what he could offer her, even if it was only temporary? Didn’t all relationships start out as temporary anyway? Who needed commitments or promises that were unwisely given in the heat of a moment, when the heat could change to ice in a millisecond?
She’d rather not have broken promises, only shared moments, between them.
Desperate to cool off and hose down the desire rumbling inside of her, she left her room and sought out a glass of ice water in the kitchen. That only succeeded in quenching her thirst; the heat of her inner turmoil persisted.
“Stop it!”
Ellie jumped and flashed around. “Mark?” She knew she’d heard his voice, but he wasn’t behind her as she’d expected.
A muffled voice came from his room, and she hurried barefoot to him. “Mark?” She pushed the unlatched door wide and saw him fighting with his sheets. He had to be asleep, struggling with his dreams as she had been doing. Getting close to a thrashing person in the throes of a nightmare could be dangerous, as she’d experienced in her hospital work. So she called his name from the doorway.
