“Oh, man—why?” she whispered. She did not know if her words had been spoken to Jamie or to Casey, but knew also that it no longer mattered. Then she very sensibly dried her tears, stood up and went to finish cleaning the chimney. She would give Noah his answer, but she would take a little more time to consider, and time to remember what she’d once had, before she put it, very sensibly, from her mind forever.
Chapter Seventy-four
The Answer
PAMELA TOOK two days to make her decision and during that time she did not see Noah, nor hear from him. She appreciated that he had given her time to make her choice without any pressure from him. She spent a sleepless night before she set out on what was an uncommonly fair morning to give him his answer.
The farm drowsed in the warmth of the morning, lambs small balls of wool on the horizon and a new dappled colt running the length of the stone wall beside her car. She slowed and watched him. His long legs were still uncertain, but he ran like the wind, his coat so black it shone blue under the sun. He had a blaze on his forehead that looked almost like a lightning strike. He ran full tilt along the thick green grass of the field as the shadows of leaves flickered across him, light and dark. She stopped the car and pulled it over to the stone wall and got out to watch him. He halted watching her approach. She leaned onto the stone, the moss that grew there in patches damp on her forearms. The colt tossed his head at her, and whickered softly.
“It’s all right, wee man,” she said softly, “I mean you no harm.”
He tossed his head one more time for good measure and then walked toward her cautiously. She put out a hand carefully, giving him the back of it so he could smell it if he chose to. He nudged the hand with his nose and then butted it with his head. She laughed and he backed up a little at the noise. Then he came forward again and she breathed in his scent—hay and sun-warmed coat and sheer health and vitality. It brought tears to her eyes. She still missed Phouka every day. The colt nibbled her cuff with dainty little bites and then looked up at her with big velvety eyes filled with hope.
“I don’t even have so much as a sugar lump in my pocket,” she said, smiling at the horse through her tears. “I promise not to be so remiss next time we meet.”
The colt looked at her as if he was making a mental note of her promise and then he took off at a kicking trot which swiftly turned into a gallop. She watched him go, gleaming coat and long legs and nothing in the world other than movement and sunlight and the green grass beneath his hooves. She envied him that. Near the end of the field he flung back his head and let loose a long and joyous whinny which lifted her heart with the pure fierce spectacle of his joy.
The horse felt like a sign, a good omen, and it calmed her nerves a bit.
Noah was in the biggest byre, moving straw bales onto a trailer. He looked up as she came in, his face perfectly neutral, though she sensed a wariness in his body.
He wiped his arm across his forehead, hair rumpled with bits of straw in it. It seemed best to get straight to the point and not even attempt talk about the weather or farm work or the beautiful colt.
“The answer is yes,” she said, aware there was a slight tremble in her voice.
He gave her a very direct look. “Can we be clear about just what question it is ye’re answerin’ here?”
“Yes, I’ll marry you,” she said, feeling like she had a silver needle wound through her vocal chords which the words snagged on before making their way out of her mouth.
“An’ have ye decided then what sort of marriage this is goin’ to be?” he asked, something dark in his voice that made her shiver slightly.
“I am, as you pointed out,” she said with some asperity, “not one to go without easily. Nor do I think it would be right to enter into that sort of marriage, so I won’t.”
“Ye did accuse me of not bein’ terribly romantic when I proposed to ye, an’ I admit ye were right about that. However, I think I could accuse you of the same just now.”
She laughed. “Fair enough, Mr. Murray. How would you like me to put it?”
“Now, Pamela, that’s maybe not a can of worms ye’ll want to open just yet.”
“A can of worms?” she raised an eyebrow at him in question.
“Because I am a man, an’ men, though ye may not realize it, are sometimes filthy-minded creatures. So, suffice it to say I’ve thought about havin’ ye in my bed a fair deal.”
“You have?” The words were out before she could think about what she was saying.
“Aye, I have. Have you?”
“Have I what?” she asked, wishing she had kept her mouth shut.
“Thought about havin’ me in your bed?”
“Since you asked me to marry you, yes, I have.”
“An’ what conclusion did ye come to?”
She looked down and took a breath; honesty had always been their natural bent in this strange relationship, she didn’t see why this should be any different.
“I find you physically attractive, and I think I could come to desire you.”
He laughed, a light sound that startled her. “Oh, Pamela, I do love yer honesty. I shall give ye a bit of my own. Give me time, an’ I swear ye’ll come to want me just as I want you.”
If nothing else, she thought wryly, as the hot tide of a blush rose from her neckline to her face and scalp, they would always have the truth between the two of them. And that, all things considered, was no small thing.
She took a minute to gather her composure and when she looked up, it was to find him smiling at her. The expression on his face was almost soft, and it gave her an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“Come with me for a minute, would ye? I won’t make any more suggestive comments to ye, I swear. There’s somethin’ I’d like to show ye.”
She followed him out of the byre, across the field, the sun warm on her shoulders. There was a sense of relief at having accepted his proposal, it felt like something solid and to a degree, safe. She would not have to lie awake at night worrying about every little noise, fearing that she and her children would be slaughtered before the dawn arrived.
Noah put two fingers in his mouth and whistled, three quick notes. She heard the colt before she saw him. He burst from the far pasture and ran toward them full gallop, thunder given fleet form on four spindly black legs.
“I know most women like a jewel on their finger, but I thought ye’d prefer somethin’ a wee bit more lively. He’s yers.”
“Mine?” If her jaw could have dropped it would have. She had given the colt a good once over earlier and knew he was likely worth a very pretty penny. Certainly much more money than a ring would have cost the man. She found it slightly worrisome.
“Aye. Ye can leave him here if ye want until ye come to live here as well. I know ye still miss that great silver beast ye had, but I thought—I hoped enough time had passed that ye might have room in yer heart for a new beastie.”
She found herself speechless. The colt was gorgeous and she was surprised at the gift of it, it showed an understanding of her that she might not have credited to this man once. It recalled the Christmas morning when Jamie had given her Phouka in the hope that the horse would help her heal from the loss of a baby. Wee Grace, who had been lost when Casey was interned.
“He’s beautiful, Noah. Thank you.”
“Just for the record, it’s not that I thought ye would say yes, in fact I was near to certain ye’d say no, but I saw the horse last week when I was down in Wexford, an’ I bought him on the spot.”
The colt trotted up to her like they were old friends. He put his muzzle directly in her hand, and the feel of it, delicate and as soft as silk, brought tears to prickle at the back of her eyes once again. Noah produced a couple of carrots from his pocket and gave them to her.
“He’s a mad little thing. I’ve no doubt, though, ye can tame him given time.”
She felt that hollow low in her belly which she was all too used to. It had been the words ‘given tim
e’. She had a funny feeling it wasn’t just the horse about which he spoke. The colt pushed his head into her stomach and let out a soft whicker of content. Then he flicked his silken black tail and trotted back off to the field to run.
“I should like to tell Patrick, so if you could just wait a bit to tell Kate,” she said.
“Ye think he’s not likely to take the news kindly, I suppose.”
“No, Pat’s reasonable, but Casey is—was his brother and he deserves for me to tell him myself. Outside of my children, he’s the only family I have.”
Noah nodded. “I’ll wait then. I don’t imagine Kate is goin’ to be thrilled by the news either.”
“Are you certain you want to do this, Noah?” she asked. He was right; they were going to upset a lot of apple carts with this news. She didn’t care for the opinions of strangers, and people could go right ahead and gossip as they liked, but she did care what Pat and Kate thought and felt. She loved her quiet, stubborn brother-in-law like he was her own brother, and his opinion would always carry a great deal of weight with her.
“What we build between the two of us will be our business an’ no other’s. It may be the news will upset them at first, but they love ye an’ they’ll accept it for yer sake, if not for mine. Beyond that, Pamela, yes I am certain. I wouldn’t have asked ye if it were otherwise.”
“We need to talk about the baby, Noah.”
“Aye?”
“This child will grow up partly under your roof and Jamie will always be a big part of its life. I need to know if you’re going to be able to deal with that.”
“I can be civil to the man, aye. Beyond that it will be up to him, won’t it?”
“Yes, of course,” Pamela said. It would be up to Jamie and that was causing her more worry than anything else in the matter of this engagement. Jamie was not going to be pleased about this at all and that, she knew, was putting it mildly. The thought of the interview which lay ahead of her made her more than a little nauseous. Casey and Jamie had always had a grudging respect for one another, despite a few altercations between the two and a certain amount of jealousy. They had even had, she believed, the beginnings of a friendship. They had trusted one another, too, and for both men that had been a big deal. She wasn’t fool enough to believe that would ever happen between Jamie and Noah, despite the fact that Noah would be stepfather to this child. She would have to arrange to speak with Jamie soon, though frankly she would rather put bamboo shoots under her own toenails. It would have to be done despite her fears, for she owed Jamie at least that much for what they had been to one another, and for the sake of this child she carried.
Chapter Seventy-five
Patrick and Kate
PAT CROSSED THE THRESHOLD of his home and sighed with relief. It was the best part of his day this, arriving home, the smell of dinner on the air, and Kate’s expectant face turned up to his for a kiss. Despite the worries that came with his work, and the other concerns in his life—his missing and most likely dead brother and the wee family he had left behind, and the threats he and Tomas faced on a daily basis—for this one bit of the day he felt like a lucky man.
One week ago the firm of Tomas Egan had a victory which still felt sweet. A judge had granted Oggie Carrigan his freedom. It was a huge success for them professionally. Privately, judging from the uptick in their hate mail, it might not be so advantageous. But when he remembered the look on Oggie’s mother’s face when she hugged her son, free for the first time in years, he thought it was well worth the personal discomfort.
They currently had two cases on the books with clients suing the RUC for brutality during interrogation. He sighed, they were getting a reputation as crusaders for justice and police reform. It was a little like sticking a sign on your back that said ‘Please shoot me.’ Tomas felt they should push for real reforms rather than just going on a case-to-case basis such as demanding that the interrogation rooms be equipped with closed-circuit cameras and having defined limits on how long a suspect could be questioned without a break. Limiting the holds, too, and having a doctor on site to examine the suspects both before and after interrogation.
They were still pursuing the case of Jane as well, the young woman Pamela had photographed in a field so long ago. It was a difficult one. The coroner refused to reverse his judgement that she had committed suicide. He was an older man, and Pat knew, a member in good standing of the Orange Order. He wasn’t likely to help them pry the lid off what was going to be a veritable viper’s nest of problems for the police. Providing they were ever able to bring the case to a point where charges could be laid.
He sniffed appreciatively. Something ambrosial had just come out of the oven. He changed out of his suit into a pair of jeans and a rugby jersey, washed up and returned to the kitchen.
“Sit,” Kate said, “dinner’s ready to go on the table.”
He helped her carry the dishes over. They were having coq au vin. His gustatory horizons had been considerably broadened since meeting Kate. There was bread hot from the oven, too. He was famished and eager to dig in. He sat down and then realized Kate was still standing. She appeared, he thought, rather nervous. Her face was flushed from the oven’s heat, and she looked especially lovely tonight. He wondered at times if the woman knew just what a hold she had on his heart.
“Patrick,” Kate said, “I think we should get married.”
He hadn’t been expecting that. “What? I believe I asked ye to marry me for the third time hardly two weeks ago, an’ ye turned me down, for the third time as well, I might add. I am not a vain man, but I will say it’s gettin’ the wee bit hard on my ego, all these refusals.”
“Aye,” she agreed, “but I have always intended to marry ye one day. Only it’s become a matter of some urgency. Also, ye were just the bit drunk the last time ye asked, an’ I’d prefer ye were in yer right an’ sober mind when ye suggest marriage.”
“So what is the urgency?” Pat asked, his mind not quite keeping pace. It wasn’t an uncommon feeling for him with Kate, mind you.
“Well, because I’m pregnant as it happens, an’ I should like the child to be born into a family where his mammy an’ daddy are married.”
Had she pole-axed him on the spot, he could not possibly have been more stunned.
“How…how…” he sputtered. They always took precautions and they hadn’t so much as talked about having a baby.
“In the usual manner,” she said, tartly. “If ye remember ye were there. ’Twas that night after the openin’ arguments in the Bledsoe case an’ ye would insist that I celebrate with ye, though ye know the drink goes straight to my head an’ so we weren’t as careful as we usually are.”
“Aye, I remember,” he said. It had been a lovely night, and as he recalled, a very passionate one. Why on earth hadn’t it occurred to him that the woman might get pregnant? Then again, it was the one time they hadn’t used birth control of one form or another, so he wouldn’t have felt the odds were highly in their favor for conceiving. He had a sudden and vivid memory of his father saying, rather sternly, ‘Once is enough to do the trick, an’ when ye’re eighteen and stupid with hormones the odds go up substantially.’ Well, he wasn’t eighteen, but the stupid bit possibly applied.
He stood and went to her, for she was still standing in the middle of the kitchen floor, flares of deep pink in each cheek giving away her distress. He put his arms around her and held her.
“Are ye happy? I know it’s not what we planned, an’ that this news couldn’t come at a worse time.”
“Hush,” he said softly and kissed the top of her head, as she still wouldn’t look at him. “I am happy, only a wee bit surprised is all.”
“Imagine how I felt,” she said, voice muffled in his shirt front, but he heard the relief in her tone at the same time.
“Ye might have told me all it took to make ye say yes was gettin’ ye pregnant. I’d have done it ages ago.”
She gave him a look and shook her head. He kissed her for a long
moment, his entire being filled with gratitude that she had made her way into his life. Kate insisted on sitting down to dinner then, before it was ruined. He had trouble eating, though, despite being hungry and the food tasting divine.
He realized he wanted to tell his brother, he wanted to tell his da’. He wanted advice on how to be a father and keep up with his legal work at the same time. He wanted someone to tell him everything would be fine and that he would live to see this baby grow up. He wanted to reassure Kate that he was as likely as the next man to be here for the raising of their children, and to grow old with one another, but he knew it would be a lie and she would know it as such. She was a realist, and yet she had chosen to love him anyway. Mind, if she felt as he did, there had been little choosing about it, it had been a thing bigger than either of them. He’d loved this difficult, lovely woman from the minute she had taken his arm and allowed him to lead her in out of the snow one afternoon at his brother’s house.
“What is it?” she asked looking up, the beautiful gentian eyes worried. “Ye’re not eating.”
“Oh, I’m just sittin’ here thinkin’ what a lucky bastard I am,” he said softly.
“Ye are,” she said, smiling, “now eat yer dinner before it gets cold.”
Chapter Seventy-six
Give Up Your Ghost for Good…
“I AM NOT GOIN’ THERE, an’ that’s that.” Her son, small face as dark as a storm cloud, faced her across the width of the kitchen, his eyes a deep and angry grey. They were invited to go to Noah’s the following day to see the colt and all the other young animals which had arrived on the farm along with the early summer. Noah had felt it was a way to introduce the children to the idea of living there and to take the first steps in establishing a relationship with them.
“Conor, sweetheart, you know you have to come. Mama agreed to go, and Isabelle is very excited about seeing the new horse. Auntie Kate will be there, too.” She thought perhaps this would sweeten the notion, being that Conor adored Kate unreservedly.
In the Country of Shadows (Exit Unicorns Series Book 4) Page 86
