Conor was out in the byre, playing, being only slightly less upset with her than his uncle appeared to be. Isabelle was upstairs having her afternoon nap, and so now she supposed, was as good a time as any to have this conversation.
“I take it you’ve heard about the engagement,” she said, turning to face him, though her stomach was tied in knots. Other than Jamie, Pat was the person she had most feared telling. “I don’t suppose you’ve come to offer your congratulations on my forthcoming nuptials?”
“No, I goddamn well have not!” Pat said heatedly. It was an indication of just how strongly he felt that he had sworn twice in the last two minutes. “I can’t imagine what ye’re thinkin’, Pamela.”
“Do you expect me to be alone for the rest of my life?” she asked, her tone flat.
He shook his head. “Of course not. Ye know that isn’t somethin’ I would ever wish for ye.”
“Then what should I do?” she asked. “I am not going to love another man. This is it for me. So I should never even hope for companionship, or someone to talk to over the dinner table or have a cup of tea with at night? I like his company, as hard as that is for everyone to understand. I’m comfortable with him, as he is with me. It’s that simple.”
“Lord, Pamela, do you hear yourself? Ye sound like some tragic old woman resigned to her fate.”
“That’s exactly what I’m not,” she said firmly. “Patrick, tell me the truth, do you really believe I could ever love another man the way I loved your brother?”
He sighed. The look on his face was very familiar. It was the look Casey used to get just before telling her how incredibly stubborn and difficult she was.
“I do think ye could have somethin’ rare an’ fine with Jamie, given time an’ the chance of it,” he said.
“That’s a weak argument for a lawyer, particularly given Jamie’s current situation,” she said. “It’s partly because of Jamie that I said yes to Noah’s proposal.”
“What? That makes no damn sense at all.”
“Don’t you see, Patrick? It will free him. When I marry Noah, Jamie will be able to get on with his life in a way he could not if I were on my own with his child. He will always be this baby’s father, but I need to break the chains that bind him to me.”
“And you think marrying Noah will do that for him? It won’t, Pamela. The man will always love you, and I suspect you will always love him.”
“I will,” she admitted calmly, “but it doesn’t matter. He’s married and has to remain so in order to keep Kolya; it would break him to give up his son. I would never put him in the position of making that kind of choice, Patrick. Once I marry Noah, I won’t see Jamie anymore, other than when I need to hand over the baby for visits. I know you’ve been worried that I would never be able to move on from Casey’s disappearance and I admit, I don’t know sometimes that I ever will. But I am learning to make a life for myself and the children without him. I have given it a lot of thought; I’m not making this decision lightly.”
“I think Noah loves you, Pamela. Do ye really believe what ye’re proposin’ is goin’ to be enough for him?”
“I don’t know. I am very fond of him, though I don’t expect you to understand that. There are many forms of affection and what I feel for him is very different than what I felt for Casey. If I had a choice I would always want what I had with your brother, but I don’t have that choice anymore. I am making the best of a bad business.”
Pat threw up his hands, she knew, however, it was in frustration and not surrender to her argument.
“Have ye told Jamie yet? The man is not going to be pleased by the notion of Noah bein’ a stepfather to his child.”
“I know. I do have to talk to him, though it’s a bit awkward these days going to his house. It’s not something I feel I can say over the telephone.”
“No, I don’t imagine so,” Pat said, an edge still in his voice. The truth was that she was avoiding telling Jamie because she knew it wasn’t likely to go well, and also because she knew this entire situation was difficult for him. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place with no room to move.
“Ye know he’s retained Tomas as counsel? Tomas loves ye like ye’re his own daughter, Pamela but he will advise Jamie to seek full custody of the child if ye marry Noah. I can’t say I blame him either.”
She nodded. “This is real life, Patrick. And in real life there are no guarantees of happiness. We both know that. I’m not the girl who came here all those years ago. I’ve had a lot of stars taken out of my eyes. I think I can actually build something decent with Noah. Not the stuff of love songs and epic novels but something that will be enough for the both of us at the end of the day. I don’t have expectations of anything else, nor does he.”
Pat shook his head and took a long breath in, before responding. “Pamela, ye know if ye need anythin’, or if ye should change yer mind—I’m still yer family, I always will be.”
“I do know that and I thank you for it.” She leaned up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek and then laughed, rubbing at her lips. “You’re just like your brother, well stubbled by noon.”
“Aye,” he said, “Daddy was the same. Said it was the curse the fairies had put upon the Riordan men at birth, an’ that we’d need a magical razor to ever keep up.”
“I suppose Conor will be the same one day.”
“Aye, I imagine he will. I want to be there for the children too, Pamela. I want them to always know they are Riordans, an’ what their history is. I want to tell them about their daddy, an’ give them all those stories about him when he was a boy. I want them to know the man their grandfather was, and for Conor to know how much he looks an’ behaves like him.”
“I want those things for them, as well. I won’t let Casey become a memory to them, Patrick. He lives inside them after all, he lives inside me too.”
“I know,” he said and sighed. “It’s only it feels like somethin’ is endin’ that began on the day my brother walked in to that kitchen and saw ye for the first time. I’m feelin’ sad an’ sentimental, Pamela. I only want what he wanted for ye, that ye should be happy an’ loved.”
“I know that, Pat. It will be all right, you’ll see. Give it another year or two and it will seem perfectly natural—Noah and me.”
“To be perfectly honest with ye, I doubt it will ever seem natural to see ye with anyone other than my brother. I know yer mind is made up, an’ in certain respects I do understand. It’s just that when I think of Casey an’ what he would have wanted for ye, it breaks my heart to see what ye now expect of yer life. It’s true that we’re all havin’ to adjust to things we couldn’t have imagined even a year ago, much less the three that Casey has been gone. There are times it takes everything in me not to storm into Jamie’s house and tell him to get some damn sense. An’ there are times like right this minute that I want to curse my brother to hell an’ back for ever puttin’ himself in danger.”
She squeezed his hand and smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring fashion.
“Will ye be sad to leave the house behind?” he asked.
She nodded, leaning back and rubbing her knuckles into her spine. “I will miss it, but in truth, Pat, I haven’t felt safe here since Casey disappeared. And now, with Lewis selling up his farm, I won’t even have a neighbor nearby who I know. Without your brother,” she shrugged, “it doesn’t matter so much to me where we live, as long as the children are safe and comfortable.”
“Aye, I understand that. I don’t like ye bein’ out here all on yer own either. It’s just the wee bit too isolated.”
“I wouldn’t have thought so at one time, but now it does feel too out of the way most days.” She walked over to the windows, to check on Conor. He’d been quiet for a couple of minutes, and like all mothers, she knew when a small boy was quiet it didn’t bode well. He was just digging a hole, which would have to be filled back in, but she would worry about that later.
“Do ye ever regret it, comin’ here to this cou
ntry?” Pat came and stood beside her, looking out over the yard.
“No, of course not. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had the time I did with your brother, and I wouldn’t have my children, either. And,” she tucked her arm through his, “I would never have met you and that, as far as I’m concerned, would have been a great shame.”
He smiled down at her, and patted her hand. “Aye, it would have been, indeed. Only ye’ve seen a great deal of darkness since ye’ve been here, particularly these last few years, none could blame ye if ye wished that away.”
“This land,” she said softly, “it’s like living in a country of shadows, isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve found a patch of sunlight to bask in, it’s gone and the shadows roll over you again. Or maybe the shadows are always with us, biding their time, waiting, and our time in the sun is just a brief respite. There have been days since Casey disappeared that I feel like I’m a shadow myself, like I no longer have substance enough to be real. I feel as if I drift over the land and through the house and the only thing that tethers me to this world is the children. And then there are other days that I feel far too real.”
She looked up and saw the worry in his face. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound so maudlin.”
“I don’t like to hear ye speak so, Pamela, but I would rather ye were honest with me than tell me lies to make me feel better.”
“Thank you for that, Pat.”
“I’ll have to head home soon, but is there anything that needs doin’ while I’m here? Ye can’t be findin’ it easy to tote about hay an’ feed these days.”
“Noah sees to it, either he or one of his men comes round in the morning and at night to do all the heavy work.”
“Well, that’s good,” Pat said, though he sounded slightly reluctant to admit it.
“Yes,” she agreed, “it is.” Truth be told, it was good. Noah had taken over all the outside work, as well as bringing in groceries the day before and seeing to all the things that needed doing that she now found awkward or exhausting. He’d had dinner with them last night after helping her cook and it had been pleasant to have the company, even if Conor had been less than appreciative of it. Noah had noticed that she was wearing the ring and she had seen his eyes light up at the sight of it on her hand, before he had turned away, busying himself with putting a chicken in the oven.
“How is Kate feeling?” she asked, thinking it was time to steer the conversation on to less rocky shores.
“She’s good, she’s managin’ pregnancy as she manages everythin’ in life, with complete efficiency an’ minimal fuss, so I do the fussin’ for her.” He smiled and she was happy to see he was excited about this impending child. “We’ve set a date for August.”
“I know, she’s already asked me to be her bridesmaid.” She looked down at her burgeoning belly. “Hopefully I’ll actually fit the dress when the day arrives.”
“She wouldn’t want anyone else, regardless of how pregnant ye are. Ye’re her dearest friend, an’ soon will be her sister-in-law.”
“And how about you, Patrick? Who is standing up for you?”
“Jamie,” he said. “I’m hopin’ that’s not goin’ to be too awkward for the lot of us, but if it can’t be my brother, then Jamie is the only other man I want standin’ at my back that day.”
“I understand that.” Her mouth twitched and she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing.
Pat gave her a sardonic look. “Oh, aye, I know what ye’re thinkin’, Pamela. It’s got all the elements of a French farce—what with my pregnant sister-in-law as bridesmaid, my best man bein’ the father of that baby, an’ the fiancé likely glarin’ from the front pew, who also just happens to be my future brother-in-law.” He laughed. “Well, as they say, ye can’t make this stuff up. I’ll be fortunate not to have to break up fisticuffs over the punch bowl.”
She laughed. “I’ll behave myself beautifully, I promise. I’ll speak with Noah, if you talk to Jamie. We’re all grown-ups, we can manage to be civil for a day for the sake of two people we dearly love. I’m thrilled for you and Kate.” She meant it sincerely. Patrick deserved this happiness and Kate was more than a match for him. She would be able to keep his home life happy and well organized while he tried to wrest justice from the heart of the maelstrom that was the court and policing system in the six counties.
“Thank you, I know ye mean it. I want to be happy for ye too, Pamela.”
She shook her head. “You don’t need to be, Pat. I understand this is difficult, Casey was my husband but he was your brother. I wouldn’t expect you to be overly excited no matter who the man was.”
“I’m here for ye, regardless, Pamela. Always.”
She nodded her head, afraid she was going to cry. Pat wrapped his arms around her and gave her a long hug. His strength was a tangible thing that shored her up, and had done so more than once over these last few years.
She watched him as he stopped out in the yard, bending down to speak with Conor. She was grateful for the relationship Pat had forged with her son. He was such a steady presence that Conor would always be able to rely upon him, and she knew Conor already sensed that and so had implicit faith in his uncle.
Pat turned back just before he got into his car, and waved at her. Even at that distance the worry in his eyes was clear. She smiled reassuringly and waved back, hoping that her expression would ease his worries a little.
She could hear Isabelle stirring upstairs. She would go up and get her before she got into something she wasn’t meant to. Then it would be time to start dinner. She was tired, but grateful for the small things that made up the round of each day, every task like a bead on the day’s rosary, each one taking her to the next thing that needed doing, and giving the hours a foundation.
She stopped for a moment on the landing, and looked out the window. Conor was using a hammer and nails to build something, and Finbar and Paudeen were looking on patiently while Rusty observed it all from the top of a pile of wood. The sun had re-emerged as it had done fitfully all day and light rippled over the yard, casting green through the edges of the copse and the long grass that grew knee-height near to it. With the light came the shadows, always behind, but never far away. The dark of them sat deep in the grass, and lived beyond the edge of the wood, where light could only penetrate so far.
What she had told Pat was true, she did feel like she lived in a country of shadows. Her fear was that she might never find her way out of it, and that she no longer possessed the passport to cross the boundary back into a world where the sun shone upon her.
Chapter Seventy-eight
Of Ice Cream and Men
THE AIR WAS SLIGHTLY CHILLY, the scent of peat smoke enticing from some distant hearth. Pat had gone by Pamela’s to see if she needed anything and had found her in a welter of boxes, newspaper smudges on her forehead and chin, and a look of exasperation in her eyes. When he realized his wee nephew was unpacking a box and surreptitiously hiding away the contents, he wisely asked him if he wanted to accompany him on an errand or two. Pamela had shot him a look of immense gratitude and given Conor a kiss on the top of his head before they left.
He’d taken the lad along with him while he picked up a couple of things Kate had asked for and dropped off some legal work with a client who was fighting his village council over housing allotments. He had offered ice cream, but at Conor’s mumbled, “No thanks, Uncle Pat,” he had realized the situation called for more serious measures.
He drove to an area he often came to when he needed to think his way through a particularly vexing bit of legalese, or when he needed to walk and not think at all. He had nearly worn a path through this wood during the months following Sylvie’s death.
Conor walked along beside him, Pat keeping his pace slow so that Conor didn’t need three steps for each of his own strides. His nephew wasn’t given to a great deal of chatter, but he was especially silent today, small fists jammed deep into the pockets of his corduroy coat, and an air around
him like that of a small but particularly dark and dense storm cloud.
“Is there somethin’ troublin’ ye, man?” he asked, careful to give the question the proper gravity so that Conor wouldn’t feel he was making light of him. He had a good notion what, or rather whom, was bothering Conor but he felt it was wisest to let the laddie get it out with him rather than having an explosion in the future.
Conor stopped, scowling down at the ground near his feet. Pat stopped too and hunkered down in front of his nephew. He knew the look on Conor’s face all too well. It was the look of a Riordan male in the full grip of a temper. Conor’s eyes did the same odd thing Casey’s had always done when he was in a fury—they turned a deep smoky grey, rather than their normal black-brown.
“Do ye need to hit somethin’?” he asked.
Conor looked at him, startled. “Daddy used to let me hit things when I was angry. Usually just my pillow.”
“Well, I think a pillow might not be quite enough this time. I think maybe ye need to hit somethin’ a wee bit bigger an’ harder. Ye can hit me, right here in the stomach.”
Conor gave him a look of profound dubiousness. “Mama doesn’t allow me to hit people, she says it’s not nice an’ I’m not to do it.”
“While yer mammy is right most times an’ ye need to listen to what she tells ye to do, she is also a woman an’ they don’t always understand that sometimes a man has to hit somethin’ to get his feelins’ out. So hit me, laddie, I can take it.” Pat stood and braced himself.
Conor took him at his word and hauled back then let fly, hitting Pat with a solid ‘thwack’ to his belly.
“Whoof!” Pat stepped back from the blow, slightly winded.
In the Country of Shadows (Exit Unicorns Series Book 4) Page 88
