"I don't know what to do," I say to Becca, referring to the remembrance service. "I feel like I should go but I don't know if I can."
"Would it help you to go? Or are you only going because you think you have to?"
I shake my head. "I don't know. I really don't."
"I can't decide this for you, Ethan, but if you go, I'll go with you. If you want me there."
"You'd really do that?"
"Ethan, I told you, I'd do anything to help you get through this." She pauses. "Would doing this help you say goodbye?"
"Yeah." I nod. "It would."
"Then do it. You need to tell her goodbye."
"But what if it ends up making everything worse?"
"It won't. I think you need this, Ethan. You need to say goodbye to them. Not just Kasey, but Jason and Lyndsay too. You were in the hospital during their funerals so you never got to say goodbye. I think that's a big reason why you haven't been able to get past this. The last memory you have of them is from that night. You need a new memory. One where you remember them being celebrated for their lives. That's what this service for Kasey will be."
I nod, because I think she's right. "So I guess we're going to Indiana."
"What about Jason? Do you know his family?"
"Yeah. They live a few hours from here. I went home with him a few times."
"And you haven't talked to them since..."
"No. I think they were afraid to call me. And I was afraid to call them."
"We could go there. You could call his parents and we could drive there and see them. Do you think they'd be okay with that?"
"They'd probably be happy about it. In fact, I should've done it before now. I should've at least called them."
"You weren't ready to. But I think you are now. And I think it'd be good for you, and his parents. What about Lyndsay?"
"She's from Nebraska. I don't know that much about her. And I've never met her family."
"I could track down their number and you could call them."
"I don't know what I'd say."
"You tell them their daughter was a friend of yours and then you offer your condolences. It doesn't seem like much but it'll give you closure. And I'm sure her parents would appreciate it."
"What if they blame me for what happened? What if they're mad at me for surviving instead of their daughter?"
"Ethan, nobody blames you." She looks me in the eye. "And nobody, not a single person on the face of this earth, is mad at you for surviving." She squeezes my hand. "Except you."
I feel a tear run down my face, and then another. Crying is something I almost never do, and definitely not in front of anyone.
"Ethan." Becca wraps her arms around me and I hold onto her as more tears let loose. I don't bother trying to hide them. With anyone else, I would, but not with Becca. She's the only person I trust to see me like this. Exposing my pain. My hurt. My guilt.
Opening up to her was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it felt damn good. I no longer have to hide everything and hold it inside. I can let her see it. Let her help me. Let her love me, as much as I love her.
"I love you," I tell her as we lie in bed later, after having sex, of course.
She smiles. "I love you too."
I turn on my side, facing her. "So how are you as a travel companion?"
"I don't know. I haven't really traveled much. Why?"
"We're going out of town next weekend. It'll be our first trip together. I wondered if you're someone who sleeps on the plane, reads a book, talks the whole time."
"Sadly, I've never been on a plane. I've only been on car trips."
"You've never once been on a plane?"
"Nope. Next weekend will be my first time."
"First of many."
"What do you mean?"
"When I'm playing pro ball, you'll be flying to see all my games."
"I will?"
"Wives always travel to games."
She coughs and her eyes get huge. "Excuse me? Wife?"
I laugh. "Girlfriend. I said wife just to see how you'd react. And it was priceless. Hilarious. You should've seen how big your eyes got."
She rolls them at me, smiling.
"So for the record, what's your opinion on marriage?"
"I'm never doing it."
"Never?" I ask, surprised.
"Nope."
"You know when people make absolute statements like that, it usually backfires and they end up doing exactly what they said they wouldn't do. Hence the never-say-never phrase."
"I've seen too many marriages fail. Why bother getting married if you're just going to get divorced?"
"Half of marriages don't end in divorce."
"And half do."
"I thought you were a glass-half-full type of girl."
"On most things, yes. Not on marriage. Speaking of marriage, specifically weddings, my mom's going to be here next weekend to set up a wedding at that hotel we had brunch at. Apparently she gave management her card when she was here and they called her to do this wedding."
"Are you gonna go see her?"
She sighs. "I feel like I should."
"I can go with you if you want."
"Really? Because I could really use you there."
"You help me, I help you. That's how it works." I pull her warm, naked body against mine and kiss her neck. "Like right now, how about I help you into the shower?"
"I don't need a shower."
"I think you do." I sniff her. "Your hair smells like chicken."
She pushes me back. "Liar! I didn't even go to work today."
"Must be from last night. Either way, you need a shower. And I insist on helping you." I kiss her, then smack her ass. "Shower. Now."
She laughs. "Okay, I'm going."
I watch her cute little naked body scurry off to the bathroom. God, I love that girl. I convinced her to stay the night, but I'm hoping to convince her to stay longer than that. I want her to move in with me. And I wasn't joking about the wife thing. Someday I want to marry her. It'll take a while to get her to say yes, given her stance against marriage and the fact that she's so damn stubborn, but I've changed her mind before. I can do it again.
Chapter Thirty
Becca
"I can't believe you're moving in with that guy," Mike says as I'm packing my stuff.
I stop and turn to him. "You told me to!"
"I know." He laughs. "I'm just giving you shit."
Last week I made the decision to move in with Ethan. For years I told myself I wouldn't move in with a guy until we'd dated for at least six months, but with Ethan, I didn't see the need to wait. I love him and I'm at his place so much it's like we already live together.
"So what do you and Ethan talk about?" I ask.
"I'm not telling you," Mike says. "That's between Ethan and me."
"But if he ever told you something I need to know, you'd tell me, right?"
"What would you need to know?"
"I don't know...like if he was planning something."
"Like what?"
I don't want to say it. It'll freak Mike out and then he'll lecture me about how I shouldn't even be thinking about that yet. But I'm only thinking about it because Ethan brought it up.
"Like if he ever...I mean, not that he would but...if he was ever considering proposing, you'd tell me right?"
"Ethan wants to marry you?" he asks, surprise in his voice.
"Why did you say it like that? Are you implying it'd never happen?"
"It's possible, but you're totally against the idea so I don't know why he'd even try. It's an uphill battle."
"I'm not completely against it. I would maybe consider it, way off in the future."
"Oh, really?" He cocks his head, smiling. "And what changed your mind?"
"I didn't say I changed my mind. I said I was maybe open to the possibility, but that's not the point. The point is, if he ever mentions it to you, you need to tell me."
"That would ru
in the surprise."
"I don't want to be surprised. I want to be prepared, and able to stop him from something I don't want, like some big, showy, elaborate proposal."
"That's definitely Ethan's style. The bigger, the better. If he ever proposes, he'll probably do it at a game. A televised game. In front of millions of people. And it'll be recorded so people will be watching it over and over for years to come."
I stare at him. "You're mean."
He laughs. "I can't wait. This is gonna be awesome."
Actually, I think it would be awesome. Not the proposal part, but being married to Ethan. I'm just too afraid to actually do it. But maybe, years from now, I could get past my fears.
"You think you'll get married someday?" I ask Mike.
A few months ago, I'd never ask him that question. He was still too upset over his broken engagement to Tricia. But he's over that now. And I think he's finally over HER. She still calls him now and then but he hasn't called her back.
Mike's still dating Heather. That's another reason I'm moving out. Mike and Heather are always hanging out here and I feel like a third wheel. Plus, with me gone, Mike can use my bedroom as an office. His podcast has really taken off and he's starting to make money with ads. That, combined with his military checks, gives him enough money to pay the rent on his own, along with his other expenses. His podcast has also been getting him some speaking gigs. They don't pay much but they might in the future if his podcast continues to get more popular.
"I'll definitely get married someday," he says. "I want a wife, kids, the whole thing. You know that."
"I just wasn't sure if you'd changed your mind."
"Because of Tricia?"
"Well, yeah."
"Like I told you before, you can't give up on love just because a relationship doesn't work out. If a relationship ends, it just opens the door for someone else to come into your life. And that may be the very person you're meant to be with."
"Like Heather?" I smile.
He smiles back. "Maybe."
"You're so in love with her," I tease.
He just shrugs.
"Wait, are you saying you really are? You're in love with Heather?"
"I thought you already knew." He's still smiling.
"I suspected it, but I wasn't sure. You said you two aren't serious."
"I said that when we first met. So did she. But we both knew it was a lie. We only said it to keep from getting hurt again. We were afraid to admit how much we liked each other."
"And now you love each other."
He nods. "We do."
"You love her as much as—" I cringe. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"It's a different type of love. I loved Tricia but it was more...I don't know...immature, maybe? It's hard to describe. My love for Heather is different. We understand each other. We don't try to change each other. We support each other. It's a deeper type of love. The kind that will last."
"So when's the wedding?" I kid, but I'd really like it to happen. I think Heather's awesome. I'd love for Mike to marry her. She'd be a great sister-in-law.
He chuckles. "Not anytime soon. We've talked about it but—"
"Hey." Heather appears at the door to my room, a big smile on her face. She's always smiling. I thought that was just her personality but now I know it's because she's in love. I'm always smiling like that too.
"Hey," Mike says, going up to her and giving her a kiss.
"Sorry to just drop by but I need to talk to you."
"Is something wrong?" he asks with concern in his voice.
She bites her lip. "I hope not."
He steps back. "What does that mean?"
She grabs his hand. "Let's go in your room."
They take off and I continue packing. A few minutes later, there's a knock on the front door. It's probably Ethan. As I'm leaving my room he knocks again.
"Yeah, I'm coming."
When I open the door, I stand there in shock. It's not Ethan.
"Hi," Tricia says. She looks different. Her hair is at least six inches longer and it looks like she had a boob job. She used to have a really flat chest but she definitely doesn't now. And she's wearing more makeup than I've ever seen her wear. It's like she's had a total makeover.
Is that why she showed up here? Does she think long hair, lipstick, and fake boobs will convince Mike to take her back?
"Can I come in?" she asks.
"Um, no. Wait here." I consider just telling her to go away, but if I do, I know she'll show up again. Mike needs to be the one to tell her to get lost. I call back to his room. "Mike! Get out here. You have a visitor."
"So how have you been?" Tricia asks.
"Fine," I say, not wanting to make small talk with her. "Mike!" I yell again.
"Yeah, I'm coming."
I hear him behind me, then turn and see him stop abruptly when he reaches the door.
"Tricia." I hear the shock in his voice.
"Hi, Mike." She smiles. "I've been trying to reach you. You wouldn't call me back."
He sighs. "Tricia. You shouldn't have come here."
"But I wanted to see you." She puts her hand on her hip and sticks her fake boobs out. She looks desperate, almost pathetic, to the point that I almost feel sorry for her. "I've missed you, Mike."
"Tricia, it's over," he says. "It was over the day you left."
"But it doesn't have to be. We could try again." She reaches for him but he backs away.
"I'm with someone else now." He turns back and motions for Heather to step up beside him. When she does, he puts his arm around her. "This is Heather. My fiancé."
I look back at Tricia, who looks both hurt and stunned, as if she can't believe Mike could ever find someone else. But he has. He found a girl a thousand times better than Tricia. A girl he's going to marry.
Wait...did he just call Heather his fiancé?
"Your fiancé?" Tricia says, sounding breathless.
I stare back at Mike, completely confused.
"Yeah." He smiles at Heather. "My fiancé."
"You're getting—" I stop, because maybe Mike is lying. Maybe he's only saying that to get Tricia to go away. But then why doesn't Heather look surprised? She couldn't have known Mike was going to say that.
"When's the wedding?" Tricia asks, now sounding angry as she adjusts her purse on her shoulder.
Mike's eyes are still on Heather. "We haven't decided yet. But probably before this little one arrives." He puts his hand over Heather's stomach.
My jaw drops. Heather's pregnant?
"Or maybe after." Heather smiles at Mike. "We'll see how big I get."
"You're having a baby?" I squeal in excitement.
Mike's beaming. "Well, technically Heather is, but yes, we're having a baby. You're going to be an aunt."
"Oh my God, congratulations!" I hug Mike and then Heather.
When I pull away, I see Heather wiping her eyes.
"They're happy tears," she assures me. She looks up at Mike. "We didn't plan this, but now that it's happened, we couldn't be happier."
He kisses her. "I love you."
"I love you too," she says back.
I glance over and see that Tricia is gone. After witnessing Mike's big announcement, I have a feeling she won't be back.
I close the door. Mike and Heather are hugging and don't even notice that Tricia left.
This is a special moment for them and I know they have a lot to talk about so I give them privacy and go back to my room.
I'm so excited! I'm going to be an aunt! And Mike's face just now? I've never seen him look that happy. He's going to be such a great dad. And he's finally with a woman who truly loves him. Just Iike I'm with a guy who truly loves me.
I call him up.
"Hey, beautiful," he says when he answers.
"Hey." I smile. "I got some good news."
I tell him about Mike and Heather.
"That's great," Ethan says. "You sound really happy."
"I am."
And it's not just because of Mike and Heather. It's because of Ethan and me. And the thought that someday, years from now, we might be making a similar announcement.
I can't believe I'm even thinking about that. A year ago I couldn't even imagine being married. And now I'm thinking about marriage and kids?
"I wrote you a song," Ethan says.
"You did?"
"Becca, Becca, my little chickadee. Hurry packing your stuff and move in with me."
I laugh. "That was horrible."
"Yeah, well, I'm no Max but I tried."
"I love that you tried."
"I wasn't kidding. Finish packing so we can get you moved. I'm heading over there in a few minutes."
"Okay, see you soon."
I toss my phone aside and get back to work, filling up boxes.
I'm really doing this. I'm moving in with Ethan. We're starting our future together.
So when Ethan said I sound really happy? It's because I am. I really am.
From the Author
Thanks for reading Holding On! If you enjoyed it, please tell a friend and leave a review!
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***
Do you like romance mixed with mystery and suspense? Check out the Jade Series! It's a story of forbidden romance. Deadly secrets. Hidden agendas. And rules that must never be broken.
Choosing You (book one)
When Jade is given a scholarship to an elite private college in Connecticut, she sees it as a chance to finally escape her painful past and get a fresh start. She's determined to succeed and that means keeping her focus on school and not guys. But that plan falls apart her first day on campus when Garret, a wealthy prep school boy with swimmer abs and a perfect smile, offers to help her move in.
Jade tries to push him away but she can't deny her attraction to him and Garret won't let her. Things quickly heat up between them, but then come to a sudden halt when reality hits and Jade realizes that a relationship with Garret may never be possible. He comes from a world of wealth where there are rules, including rules about who he can date. And not following those rules has consequences.
Holding On Page 31
