“I’ll make it. Why don’t you unpack everything so we can get started?” There’s a knock on the door as she walks into the kitchen.
Stretching up on my toes, I look out the window at the top of the door. I’m both happy and surprised to see Ray leaning up against the doorframe, wrapping his bulky winter jacket around his broad shoulders as he shivers against the cold.
A frigid blast of snowy air gusts into the front hallway. “Hey, Ray.” I haven’t seen or heard from Ray in a few weeks. I think we are both hiding from each other, from the memories we know will come to the surface if we spend any time together. Pushing away those feelings, I pull him from the front porch, through the door.
“I didn’t mean to just drop by. I should have called.” He looks almost afraid to come in.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Ray. You’re always welcome here. Come on in. Get out of the cold.” He steps beyond my swept-to-the-side hand and into the living room.
He brushes the snow from his jacket and hangs it on the coat rack. As I close the door, I scan the front yard and realize that the snow is really starting to pile up out there. “Linda’s making some hot chocolate. Can I get you anything?”
“No, I don’t want to intrude.” Again, he looks cautious, afraid.
“Stop it,” I insist. “You’re not intruding.” We walk into the living room and he stops at Melanie’s bassinet, staring dreamily down at her. “How’s she doing?” he asks all hushed and quiet.
“She’s good. Eats like a champ and sleeps better than I do.” We sit down on the couch and he sees all the bags of decorations. He chuckles as he tips his chin at the boxed, artificial tree. “You know Jimmy would lose his shit if he saw that in his living room.”
“Yeah, I know. He hates fake trees, but it was all Linda and I could carry in here.” It’s sad to say that I thought the same thing when I was paying for the tree. I didn’t want to say anything because Linda was trying her best to cheer me up, but the reality is that even something as silly as a plastic Christmas tree reminds me of Jimmy. “Is it wrong to make decisions based on what I think he would do, even though he’s not here?” I sink back into the couch and stare at the stupid tree propped up in the corner of the room, just waiting to be assembled.
Ray flops back and sighs loudly, scrubbing his hand over his face, lost in thought for a moment. “Nah, I don’t think so,” he decides, finally. “I mean, who knows? You might eventually stop thinking about him before you make important choices,” he pauses a beat and drapes his arms around my shoulder, “but I know you, Luce. Jimmy will always be in your heart. You’ll always think of him.”
He’s right. I’ll never be able, nor do I ever want to stop thinking about Jimmy. Figuring out a way to keep moving forward without leaving him behind is too overwhelming for me right now.
I’m pretty sure Ray is struggling with the same ideas. They were best friends since elementary school, even went to college together. When I lost my husband, Ray lost his brother. We’ve been stuck in our own worlds of pain.
Linda brings in our mugs as Ray and I stare blankly at the box in the corner. “So you ready to put this up now?” she asks, tipping her chin in the direction we’re both staring.
Ray and I share a knowing glance and he smirks at me. “Nope. I’m going to take that back to the store and get you ladies a real tree.” Ray stands with a sense of renewed purpose just as Melanie starts squirming in her bassinet. Linda gets her as I walk Ray to the door.
“Thanks, Ray.” The kindness sparkling in his eyes lets me know I don’t need to say more than that. He knows he’s doing what Jimmy would want done, what I want done.
A few hours later, everything is done – the pine needles are even cleaned up from the rug. After Ray and Linda leave, I tuck Melanie in for the night. Sitting on the couch, staring at the newly decorated tree, I get lost in memories of all the Christmases I’ve spent with Jimmy.
“Here you go,” he said as he shoved a very poorly wrapped gift in front of me. We were celebrating our very first Christmas together as a couple during our senior year of high school. After ignoring me for two months, Jimmy was finally able to acknowledge his feelings for his best friend – no small feat in an eighteen-year-old boy’s mind, or heart for that matter.
I shook the box to see what kind of noise it made and Jimmy grabbed my hands quickly. “No!” he admonished. “Don’t do that. You’ll break it.”
Well, that just intrigued me even more. “Okay, okay. Sorry.” I placed a placating kiss on his cheek and all was forgotten.
Carefully, I pulled back the tape. I could tell Jimmy was getting antsy for me to open it already, but I couldn’t miss out on the chance to rib him on his wrapping. “What?” I shrugged my shoulders, holding the half-opened gift in one hand. “I don’t want to ruin the paper.” I arched an eyebrow as he grabbed the present from my hands.
Opening it the rest of the way for me, he held the plain, white box in front of me in his palm. It was a non-descript box. Not small enough to be a jewelry box and not big enough to be clothing, I wondered what the hell it could be.
When I popped the lid, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen shone back at me. Pulling the delicate, hand-blown glass ornament out of the box, I stared at Jimmy in awe.
“Oh, my goodness. This is beautiful. Jimmy…it’s just. Wow. Where did you get this?” My words tumbled from my mouth. The love I felt for this boy before me poured from my heart.
Noticing they were shaking, Jimmy took the shimmering piece of glass from my hands and cupped it in his. “My mom’s friend is an artist, so I asked her if she could make something for me.”
“You mean she actually made this. It’s a one-of-a-kind. That makes it even more beautiful.” I traced my fingers carefully over the colored globe, noticed tiny bubbles suspended in the surface, focused in closely on what I was sure was a fingerprint melted into the surface.
“Actually, I made it.”
All I thought was, thank God, he’s holding the ornament, because if it was me, I would have dropped it. “What?” My whispered voice could barely be heard above the crackling fire roaring before us in his den.
“I said I made it.” He twisted to face me and kissed my cheek sweetly. “See?” He held his thumb out for me to inspect. “I’ve even got the blister to prove it.” The skin was red and still a little swollen. I remembered just last week when I saw the Band-Aid. I made fun of him when he said it was a paper-cut.
I kissed the pad of his thumb and watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “There. All better.” His eyes widened and his grip tightened on my hand.
Having just heard his parents talking in the kitchen, which was right next to the den, I kissed him softly on the lips and whispered in his ear, “After they go to bed. I promise. I’ll kiss lots of other places.”
I watched him gulp one last time and shift in his seat, readjusting himself in the process while trying to maintain his cool.
When he regained his sense of composure, he took his work of art from my hands one last time. Turning it over in his hands, he showed me how the colors gradually swirled and mixed together. Blues morphed into aqua, transformed into lime greens, seeped into warm oranges and finally lightened into the prettiest starburst effect of pale yellows I had ever seen.
“I named it after you, too, you know,” he said when he was done showing me the colors.
Reaching into the small box on the couch next to us, he pulled out a small certificate of authenticity. “Reena, my mom’s friend, prints these out for everything she makes. So when she asked me what I wanted to call it, I couldn’t think of anything other than you.”
When I held the piece of paper in my hand, my heart swelled as my eyes danced over the name Starlight Lucy.
“Jimmy.” My eyes shone with unshed tears of happiness. “You’re just the most thoughtful boyfriend on the planet.”
“That’s your song, sweetie. You’ll always be my Lucy in the sky.”
Knowing the emotio
nal onslaught looking at that ornament would bring, I didn’t take out that particular box from the garage when Ray and Linda were here. But now, sitting here all alone, the urge to run my thumb over the same spot where Jimmy’s thumb once was, draws me to the box I was avoiding earlier in the night.
Setting the box down on the floor, I cross my legs underneath me and cautiously open it. It’s right there on the top, always the first ornament to go on the tree and the last to come down. Jimmy’s work of art, his Starlight Lucy, somehow looks more beautiful this year than it did last year, or in all the years before.
Holding it lovingly in my hand, I move over to the window and stare up into night sky. There’s a sapphire blue undertone to what’s normally bleak and pitch black. Dotted with a million points of light, I feel as if Jimmy made this ornament all those years ago with this exact image in his mind.
“I miss you, baby,” I whisper to myself, ghosting my finger over Jimmy’s thumbprint. “We set up the tree tonight. Ray came over to help. I know it’s not nearly as beautiful as it would have been if you had done it, but I hope you like it.”
I spend a few more minutes talking to Jimmy through the stars. I tell him about Melanie, about how beautiful she is and how much I know he would love her. I tell him about her most recent doctor’s appointment and how much she’s grown already. I tell him about how much I miss him and about how much I love him.
That’s when the tears start, but then again, maybe they never really stop. Maybe they’re just kept at bay by some magical force when the sun is out. But here, in the uneasy solitude of the night, that’s when they come out. My tears are nocturnal, fearful of being exposed in the sunlight. They only appear when I seek the comfort of the only man I’ve ever loved when the black sky spreads out before me.
When my chest hurts from heaving and sobbing and my eyes are nearly closed with puffiness, I stare out into the night. “When does it get easier? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why?” My voice rises in intensity, falling just short of yelling. Of course, there’s no answer. There never will be. I guess that’s just the way life works.
Now, it’s up to me to figure out how to make the best of my new life.
My life without Jimmy.
My life as a single mother.
That last thought helps bolster my strength and calm my tears just enough to finish going through the rest of the box. If I thought the flood of emotion was overwhelming at seeing my Starlight Lucy ornament, I am clearly not ready for what else is waiting for me.
I knew that he kept in touch with Reena, his mother’s friend and the woman who helped him make his first present for me. She’s helped him at work, creating custom lighting pieces for his high-end clients, but somehow I never pieced together he would do this. But, knowing just how thoughtful and sweet Jimmy was, it all makes sense now.
And I know he made it, not Reena. He wouldn’t have had it any other way. He must have made it after he found out we were having a girl. The palest shade of lavender deepens into a saturated, almost royal purple as I twirl the globe by the delicate silver string on top. What’s even more beautiful than the almost tie-dyed movement of colors is the glittery array of sparkles laced through the surface. Pulling the certificate of authenticity out of the box with shaky hands, I read the information through teary eyes.
He named it Opal Mist, and beneath the name are all of the details for a child born in the month of October: astrological sign, birthstone, and other seemingly unimportant pieces of information. But there’s nothing at all insignificant about this. It’s the only thing Melanie will ever have that came directly from her daddy.
I carefully place the ornament on the tree, right next to mine. “They’re beautiful, babe. Thank you,” I whisper again, out into the sparkling night.
Over the next few weeks, I’m more than willing to let Linda take the lead on everything holiday related. Food shopping, gift-wrapping, cooking, baking – the woman is my savior. Ray is nothing short of a miracle either. Shoveling snow, fixing a flat tire, he’s been more than helpful.
On Christmas Eve, the four of us – Ray, Linda, Melanie, and I spend the night in front of the real tree we decorated together. Even though it’s not the same, not even close to what I envisioned my baby’s first Christmas being, it still feels like family.
After dinner, we all flop onto the couch. With fully bellies and light hearts, we exchange a few gifts. Even though I told them not to go overboard, they spoil Melanie. Simply put, I’m in awe of my friends’ capacity to love.
After we’ve opened everything, I get lost in thought, scanning the room that’s scattered with torn-apart wrapping paper. “I don’t know what we would do without you guys.”
Sitting next to me, Linda reaches out for my hand. “There’s nowhere we’d rather be.”
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be either, but I think this might be our one and only Christmas here.” I didn’t want to say anything about it, especially tonight, but I can’t hold it in any longer.
“Why is that?” Linda asks, concern coloring her words.
“I go back to work in a few weeks, but I was looking over all the bills and the mortgage, and everything just the other day, and I just can’t afford this place on my own.” Even with the life insurance money, I don’t know that I’ll be able to stay here forever.
“Let me…” I stop Linda midsentence because I know exactly what’s going to come out of her mouth.
“That’s very sweet of you to want to offer to move in, but you’re right. Eventually, I’m going to have to move on somehow. I can’t depend on everyone else.”
This time, it’s Ray who does the interrupting. Clearing his throat, he moves next to me on the couch. “You can always depend on us,” he says soothingly.
A sad smile pulls at my lips. “Ray, I know you mean that and you two will always be a part of our lives, but I…”
“You what?” Linda pulls her hand out of mine rather abruptly. “We’re here, helping you and you’re pushing us away. Let us in, Lucy. Let us help you out.”
Her outburst catches me off-guard. She’s more than a little hurt and I’m at a complete loss for words. She speaks before I can put anything intelligible together. “We’re hurting for you. Lean on us and let us hold you up.”
“But what if…” My throat tightens and my eyes burn just at the thought. Resting my elbows on my knees, I drop my face into my hands. “What if I lose you guys, too?”
I had never been a weak person, always fiercely independent and modestly confident, but losing Jimmy changed me – that much is obvious. Yet, it is more than his death that has changed me. Losing him and gaining Melanie all within the same time frame altered me on the most basic level. For the first time in my life, I became afraid. I never planned to share those fears, but watching my best friend cry next to me about how much she wants to help, changes that plan.
Linda grabs me by the shoulders, looking me right in the face. “You’re right. You could lose us. I’m no fortuneteller. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring – no one does. But I do know this, we are here for you now. We love you and Melanie and we want to help, so tell us how to do that. You want to stay here in this house? Then we’ll help you do that. You want to move out and start over? Then we’ll help you do that, too, but you have to let us.”
Her words cut me to the quick, and in that instant, I realize that I don’t have to do everything on my own.
Linda pulls me into her arms and we cry together for a few minutes. The “ahem” from Ray pulls us from our teary embrace. “I was going to save this until tomorrow, but I guess now’s as good a time as any.” Ray stands from the couch and walks over to his jacket hanging on the coat rack by the door.
He extends a shaking hand in which is a small, simple envelope – there’s no address or name or anything.
“What’s this?” I ask cautiously.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and shrugs his shoulders. “Just something me and everyone at CBA wanted y
ou and Melanie to have.” CBA. Crane Building Associates. Jimmy’s company. It’s now my turn for my hands to shake.
Opening the envelope, I see a check inside. “Ray, I can’t…”
He doesn’t let me finish my sentence. “You can and you will.” He drops back down to the couch, gently squeezing my knee. “He was my best friend. Let me do this for him. Let me help take care of you the only way I can. I owe him that much.”
I nod, unable to say anything. He’s right after all. He’s only doing what he knows Jimmy would want to be done.
I pull the check from the envelope in utter disbelief of the amount. My hand flies to my mouth, covering the gasp of shock. “Ray…my God…this is…”
“It’s enough to pay off the house and stay here forever, if that’s what you want. It’s also enough to start over somewhere else, if that’s what you want.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything right now. Just know that you can do whatever you’d like.” Ray steadies my hands in his.
“Thank you so much for this, Ray.”
“It’s nothing, really.” But it’s not nothing and he knows it. This piece of paper in my hand means everything. It means being able to raise our daughter in the house we bought together – the house Jimmy had massive plans for renovating and making a home.
“My God! The company. I didn’t even think of the company and what it means to you.” I know it sounds highly unlikely, but I never thought of what would happen to Crane Building Associates, the architecture / construction company that Jimmy and Ray started together. It was only Ray mentioning it just now that brought it to mind.
“That’s also up to you, Luce.” He’s calm and certain, in control like the Ray I’ve always known.
“What do you mean?” I’m sure my face is twisted in confusion.
“Jimmy and I owned the company right down the middle. You can continue to be involved in the day-to-day business if that’s what you’d like to do. Or you can leave that to me. But, no matter what, Jimmy’s half is your half.”
Let Love Be Page 6
