by Nikki Chase
There’s nothing strange going on in this room to a casual observer, but this feels bizarre to me. Normally, Caine would be touching me, kissing me, caressing me. It still feels like we’re magnets, being pulled toward each other, but he’s holding back, afraid of being yet another man to touch me without my permission tonight .
“How’s your hand?” I remember he punched Nathan in the face, and wonder if he hurt himself doing that .
Sometimes, the bones in the hand can fracture from delivering a closed-fisted punch. I’ve seen this injury a lot in the ER on weekends, when bar fights are common .
“It’s okay,” he says, raising his right hand, which doesn’t look okay. It’s red and swollen .
I hold out my hand. When Caine puts his hand on mine, my heart skips in my chest, and my palm buzzes with electricity from this innocent touch. I tell myself I’m just inspecting his injury, like I do every day at work, but it’s never been easy to keep things strictly business with this man .
“I’m so sorry to have put you through this,” he says, his eyes gleaming with sincerity. “I’m sorry for the way I yelled at you, for the horrible things I called you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope for it, regardless .”
“Why?”
“What do you mean ?”
“Why do you care what happens to me? We were done. You could’ve let them kill me.” I flinch at the memory. I thought I was going to get raped and die a violent death within a matter of minutes .
“I don’t know, Daisy. I can’t explain it. As soon as I figured out what was happening, I couldn’t not go there and do everything in my power to save you .
“In fact, I can’t explain everything I’ve done when it comes to you. You turn everything upside down. You make me care when I usually don’t. You make me burn inside when I’m usually cold and numb. And I can’t explain any of it .”
I stare at Caine’s big, warm hand as it starts to grip mine. He rubs my hand with his thumb .
“Maybe love doesn’t need to be explained,” he says .
I pull my hand away. I expect him to hold on as he normally would, but this time he lets go without a fight .
“I know you’re engaged .”
He exhales loudly. “I am.” He’s not even trying to deny it, or cover it up, and it makes me angrier, even though I don’t want him to lie either .
“Shouldn’t you be saying those things to her?” I glare at Caine, expecting him to look away, but I’m met with an insistent, non-confrontational gaze .
“I can’t tell her those things because that’s not how I feel about her .”
“You’ve never had any problems saying things that aren’t true before .”
He goes quiet. I wonder if he thinks I’m not aware of the way he manipulates me. I didn’t realize it as it was happening, but I’ve had some time to think. I know now that he knows exactly what to say, how to act, what to do, to make me give him what he wants .
“I’m sorry,” he says again. I haven’t been counting how many times he’s said that since he walked into this hospital room .
“Tell it to your fiancée,” I hiss .
I’ve seen so many of my mom’s relationships fall apart when her boyfriends cheat on her, or vice versa. I’m following my mom’s footsteps so precisely, anyone passing by the path we’re walking would only see one set of footprints. I can’t believe I’m making the exact same mistakes I grew up vowing to avoid .
Get completely broke? Check .
Depend on a man to give me money? Check .
Use sex as a tool? Check .
Steal a man from his rightful partner? Check .
For bonus points, I even have an actual contract to exchange sex for money with this man, and I almost got killed, too .
And I’m only twenty-one. Plenty of time for me to exceed my mom in many other ways .
“Just go home, Caine,” I say. “Go see your fiancée .”
“It’s not what you think, Daisy. I don’t — ”
“What?” I cut him off and challenge him with a glower. “You don’t love her? You don’t care about her? Jesus, Caine. Are you even listening to yourself? Do you know what a hopeless case you are ?”
He opens his mouth, but I’ve had enough. I don’t need any more apologies. They’ve lost all meaning at this point .
“Please leave, Caine. I need to be alone .”
This time, he does as I say, slinking away with slouched shoulders .
When the door closes and I’m alone again, tears start streaming down my face. I can’t—and I don’t want to—stop them again .
I let the salty liquid cover me, drown me, hopefully wash me clean .
Daisy
I need a new laptop. I bought a cheap one back in nursing school, spending all the money I had left in the bank. A few years later, that same laptop is now slower than a snail crawling over salt .
Finally, the home page of my bank’s website appears. I type my password and log into my online banking account .
I used to dread this, seeing all my accounts listed. Without fail, the balance on my credit cards would be too high, and the balance in my checking account would be too low .
I no longer lack any money. In fact, I’d consider myself wealthy. I mean, $125,000 is not quit-my-job-and-retire-forever money, but it's more money than I—or my mom—ever had .
After paying off all the balances on my credit cards and lines of credit, I’d still have enough for Jack’s college expenses. Without having to worry about money, he’d be able to fully focus on his studies, which is what I wanted for myself and never had .
With Chad Murray apprehended by the cops, his loan is pretty much voided, so now I’d even have $40,000 extra than I expected. Or $45,000, if we're going with his “interest” calculation .
When I finally see my balances, my jaw drops .
I don't have $125,000 sitting in my checking account .
I have $250,000 .
Caine. He’s the only person who could possibly be behind this .
I smile wryly, exhaling air from my nostrils. I don't know anybody else with that kind of money to burn .
I haven't seen him since that night at the hospital .
Anger kindles within me .
He thinks he can fix this with money, the same way he probably solves all of his other problems. If he thinks he can buy my forgiveness, he's wrong .
* * *
C aine seems surprised to see me when I march into his office, even though Sasha has already announced my arrival. It seems like he doesn't quite believe I’m here .
Being in this space reminds me of the first time I stepped foot inside this building, my heart hammering as I negotiated the terms of the sale of my virginity, trying to get the highest price I could .
Now, I’m here for the opposite reason .
I walk right up to his big glass desk and stand across from where he's sitting. Just like the one other time I saw him here, he looks like a million dollars. Power emanates from him. He has the kind of quiet confidence that has no doubt been cultivated by him getting what he wants ninety-nine percent of the time .
Well, this is the other one percent .
“Give me your bank account details. I’ll send you back the money you sent me .”
“Why would you do that?” His eyebrows furrow. He seems thrown off balance. I guess this is not how most of his business negotiations go .
“I didn't earn it. I only stuck around for half the length of time we agreed on, so I'm giving you back the other half of the money .”
“You don't have to do that. All that money is yours .”
“If you're not giving me your bank account details, I’m withdrawing that money in cash and bringing it here myself .”
“Are you crazy? Do you know how dangerous that is?” He gets up to his feet, making his big swivel chair roll backward a few inches .
“Is that how you deal with everything? If something doesn't make sense in your head, you ju
st give it an insulting label to fit it into one of the few narrow boxes in your mind? Oh, I don't want your money, so I’m crazy. I say something bad about your people, so I’m lying. I must be just another one of those whores who are after your bags upon bags of money .”
Caine winces, like my words have physically hurt him. Good. I want to stab him with everything I've got and twist the knife so it hurts extra bad .
“I’m sorry,” he says softly, his gaze downcast like he couldn't bear to look me in the eyes. “Would it make you feel better if I told you I’m hurting more than you could ever know ?”
I didn't expect that reaction. On my way here, I played and replayed various scenarios in my head, and Caine doesn't react that way in any of my mental simulations. I wouldn't have imagined Caine, usually so proud and superior, to lower himself and show actual remorse .
“Save all that apology for your fiancée. She probably needs it more than I do .”
“I ended the engagement,” he says in the same gentle voice .
Now I'm the one taken aback .
“Why?” I blurt out before I can stop myself .
I shouldn't care. Why should I care who he's with? We just have a business relationship. This is a business meeting. There's no room for anything personal here .
“I fell for you, Daisy.” Caine raises his gaze to meet my incredulous stare .
What I see in his deep blue eyes kicks me in the gut, knocking the wind out of me so I can't speak. He means that. I see honesty, sincerity, vulnerability—all the things he's never shown me before .
“I know you don't believe me, but I did,” Caine says. “I don't know when it happened, but I fell for you and suddenly everything seemed so simple. All the complicated notions and ideas in my head disappeared. I can hear my own voice without all the noise .”
“What does that even mean ?”
“It means I finally understand what really matters. Only people matter. Not money, not history, not business. Only the people I love. Like you .”
If my words were like a knife, his words are like a flame, softening and melting the hard, protective armor I’ve built around my heart .
“What do you think you're going to accomplish by saying all these things to me?” I hold on to my armor. I have to. Caine is way too dangerous for me go in naked. I know that now. I’m not as naïve as I used to be .
Sure, he's a beautiful, graceful, gorgeous man. But underneath that sleek, sexy exterior, there's a dark danger lurking, like the sharp claws and fangs of a big cat .
“Nothing. I don't have any agenda anymore. I’m done playing games with you, because I care about you. I'm just being honest .”
I stare at him. His words sound so good, so enticing, but I can't open myself up only to let him inflict more pain. I'm not masochistic—not in that way, at least .
Caine takes a deep breath and locks his pleading gaze on me. “If I tell you everything, will you stay and listen ?”
“You know that's not going to change my mind about giving you back the money .”
“The money is yours. You can do whatever you want with it.” When he sees me opening my mouth, he quickly adds, “Including give it back to me, if that's what you want .”
I'm stunned into silence .
“Please, take a seat.” Caine gestures at the chair behind me. “All I want is to spend a few more minutes with you .”
I lower myself down onto the chair without taking my eyes off Caine. He does the same, taking a seat and leaning forward over his desk. He interlaces his fingers and rests them on the glass surface. He hangs his head down, then looks up at me from underneath his lush lashes .
“Thank you,” he says with a sad smile. “I don’t know how I’m going to explain everything that has been going on in my head these past few days. I’ve been realizing how wrong I’ve been in some ways, and how right I’ve been in other ways. Like I said, you cleared my head right up .
“I realized I was right about family being the only important thing, like my father has always taught me. But I was wrong about who counts as family .
“My father and my brother are my family. My mother never was—not because she didn’t give birth to me, but because she never cared about me. I thought Uncle Nathan and Todd were family, but I was wrong about that, too .
“I used to think everyone else, who wasn’t part of the family, only wanted money from me. To an extent, I was right. Anybody I pay to do things for me, obviously, only wants money from me. I used to be bitter about that, but I realize now it’s only because I haven’t forged many relationships that don’t involve any financial exchange, and that’s my own fault .
“My relationship with my ex-fiancée was money-based, as well. She grew up in a family much like mine, which made me think that at least she wasn’t going to use me for my money, because she has plenty of it herself .
“To be honest, ironically, I was going to use her for her money and connections.” Caine chuckles mirthlessly. “It would’ve been a good business move to marry her. I probably burned a few really expensive bridges when I broke off the engagement, but I had to do it. I didn’t want to end up like my father, who got married because it was good for business .
“It was never a real relationship. We just had meals together occasionally, but we never had anything to talk about. It was never… There was never any real connection there.” He looks almost shy as he says, “It’s not the way it is with you .”
“Did you ever…” I pause and hesitate. I’m not sure I should ask this question, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to see him again after today, and I want to know the answer. “Did you ever have any healthy relationship with a woman ?”
Caine laughs, as if I’ve said the funniest thing ever. “No,” he says. “You raise a good point. Maybe that’s what has fucked me up my whole life. At the end of the day, I’m probably just your average, run-of-the-mill guy with mommy issues .”
I give him a smile—not because he said anything particularly funny, but because it seems like the kind of thing that could help him feel better .
“To tell you the truth, I did have a real relationship once.” Caine’s features turn serious. Pain flashes in his eyes, but it goes away as quickly as it appeared. “She… I thought she was the one. I thought I was going to marry her. We were living together.” He winces. “I gave her everything, then I found her in bed with another man .”
My chest tightens. I don’t know if I can forgive him for the things that he’s said to me, but I know now where he’s coming from. I understand why he did the things that he did .
If I were Caine, I’d probably lose faith in people, too, and women in particular. No wonder it was all just a power struggle with him. That’s all he’s ever known all his life .
And just when he thought he’d found something genuine, it turned out to be another lie .
I don’t know what comes over me, but an idea enters my mind and embeds itself into my brain. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, but I know exactly what I should do next .
“Let me stay with you for the remaining fifteen days,” I hear myself say .
“What?” Caine seems to be taken off-guard .
“Yeah. I’m still not expected to be back at work for a couple more weeks. You don’t want the money back. I don’t want it if I haven’t earned it. So, let me earn it by picking up where we left off and seeing it through until the end .”
Caine
I ’m an asshole.
I know I should’ve said no. I should’ve told Daisy to go home, where her brother needs her, where she can live a happy life without me. I can only bring her trouble .
Problem is, I still want to keep her for myself .
After everything that’s been said and done, after everything I’ve put her through, I don’t have any right. I can’t ask anything of her, much less demand her to hold up her end of the bargain just because I gave her more money .
Still, when she told me she wanted to spend more
time with me, I couldn’t say no. I agreed, and she told me she was going to be waiting for me at home tonight .
I can’t work like this. There’s way too much shit going on in my head .
That’s why I’m here at Pop’s. Everything within me yearns to go home, to see Daisy as much as possible while I still can, but a small, annoying voice within me says that would be a mistake .
I need to know how to face her before I do. I was caught by surprise in my office earlier today, and I ended up making a questionable decision .
So, like all the other times when I didn’t know what to do, I’m going to ask Pop .
This time it’s different, though. I’ve never asked him for advice about women before, but that was before, when he had a shitty marriage and many other shitty relationships .
Now, or at least for the past few days, he seems happy and content with Bertha around. I still don’t know if I can ever accept her as my mother, or even if she wants me to, but I know Pop seems happy around her. So, maybe he has some advice for me, after making his own mistakes with women and finally getting it right .
Over the past half hour, I’ve been telling Pop and Bertha all about what has happened between Daisy and me, leaving out the sex stuff, of course. They don’t need to know anything about that .
Bertha seems appalled that I’d pay Daisy for sex. “She seems like such a nice girl,” she says .
“She is,” I say defensively. “She was just in a tight spot because she has to take care of her brother .”
“And you used that to make her do what you want.” Bertha asks. I can tell that she wants to keep her mouth shut, she wants to repair our relationship, but the story I’ve just told her is apparently just too distasteful for her to stay quiet .
“Yes, and I regret doing that. What can I say? I can’t take back what I’ve already done. I know I don’t deserve her, but I can’t say no if she wants to stick around. I just don’t know what to do next. I’m no good for her. Maybe I should tell her to go home .”
Pop maintains his neutral expression and says nothing. Like I said, we never talk about women, but I know—I’d bet money on it—that Pop has definitely made similar arrangements with women before .
