by Nicole Dykes
We both finally stop, coming down from the delirious laughter and her head rests on my shoulder. She asks quietly, “Are you really flying back tomorrow?”
I nod my head in an answer, secretly hoping she’ll ask me not to.
She doesn’t.
Instead we both just sit there, her head on my shoulder as we stare at the wall and swallow our feelings.
It’ll be morning soon and I’ll leave.
Just like I said I would.
Chapter 34
Alex
T
he next day, I stand outside of the doorway of my extra bedroom, staring at an empty bed.
He left early this morning. We didn’t talk. He didn’t reveal any hidden feelings. I didn’t beg him to stay. We just laid together, undressed and exposed in that damn bed with total silence enveloping the room.
And then he climbed out, got dressed, kissed my lips softly, and left.
That was it.
Just one night like he promised.
I’ve never felt emptier in my life.
The thing is, I don’t get why I’m so fucked-up. My parents were excellent role models. I was loved and I witnessed true love my whole life. And yet, every chance I have to be happy I wreck it, one way or another.
After every single relationship ended, even with Chris last night, I felt an odd sort of relief that it was over.
But that’s not how I feel in this moment. I feel dead inside from trying to go numb from every bit of emotion I felt last night.
The memory of Shriller looking in my eyes, searching them with his own as our bodies were intimately connected, sends a tingle through my whole body, still having a deep effect on me.
I couldn’t take it. I wanted to ignore it and I was sure he did too, so I begged him to tell me something funny.
I needed it.
I wanted to be reminded of who we really are, broken deep down when it comes to anything real. Honestly, it didn’t help a damn thing and not because he told me about sleeping with two other women. No, it didn’t help because he picked something that no one else but me, with my twisted-ass mind, would find funny.
Laughing with him and then laying with him all night, solidified an even more intimate, deep connection.
I wanted to ask him to stay, but I didn’t. Something unknown held me back.
I pull the door closed and walk away. I go into my bedroom and sit on the bed.
I wonder if this pain in my chest and empty feeling will ever subside.
Chapter 35
Shriller
A
couple of weeks later, I park my car in my drive and grin when I see Jax’s big ass sitting on my porch. “Jackson Fucking Garrett, what brings you here? I’m not in trouble again, am I?” I ask jokingly
He climbs to his feet and holds out a fist, which I promptly bump with mine. “Nah, I was just in the neighborhood.”
I nod my head, “Right. Just cruising around and found yourself here, huh?”
He laughs, “You know me.”
I’m enjoying the banter with Jax, but I have to ask. “What are you really doing here, Jax? Even by flight, it’s not a quick trip from Kansas.”
“Well, I thought I’d come check on the shop.” He smirks, “And you.”
I mockingly hold a hand over my chest, “Aw, you really do love me!”
“Oh yeah, you complete me and all that shit,” Jax says in a dry, sarcastic tone that pulls a laugh from me.
“I’m fine, Jax. Really.”
“Right, because you and Alex hooking up again, and then you ending up back out here alone doesn’t sting like a son of a bitch.”
I unlock my door and we walk inside. “I’m fine. How did you know about that anyway? I know Alex didn’t tell you.”
Jax walks further onto my house and plops down on my couch. “I saw you two walking out to her car and leaving together when I went outside for a business call. Anyway, Brooke and Dylan said you left the next day, so I put two and two together.”
I nod my head and take a seat on the opposite end of the couch. “Yeah, well I’m dealing with it.”
He kicks his feet up and says casually, “I’m not even really here about you and Alex. You two will get your shit together or you won’t.”
“Then why are you here?”
He moves forward to the edge of the couch with his knees spread and cocks his head in my direction. “I’m here to talk you into coming home.”
I stare at him and lift my arms gesturing to the house surrounding us, “I am home.”
“Bullshit. This is like some sort of vacation, but it isn’t home for you. This move was never supposed to be permanent. You were just gonna do some modeling and racing with a highly-paid manager and then come fucking home.”
“Yeah, well I have a different manager now. One I actually like.”
He shrugs, “So keep him. You can call and Skype. Shit, you don’t have to be in the same city.”
I scratch the three-day old scruff on my chin. “I can’t.”
“Why? Because of Alex?”
I nod my head slowly. “Maybe.”
“Well get over it, pussy. Those kids are growing up fast and you know Dylan and Brooke are going to spit out another one soon.” He looks straight ahead. “And my kid is gonna need you.”
I study his face from the side. Is he fucking with me? “Your kid? Holy shit! Charlotte’s pregnant?”
He turns back to face me, a smile on his face like I’ve never seen on him before. “Yup. And you need to be there. We may be an odd family, but we’re a fucking family all the same.”
I smile. Jax is going to be a dad. “Congrats man. That’s fucking awesome, but I can’t move back.” I stand and pat him on the shoulder, “I’ll be there though, as much as possible.”
He stands up too, “Just think about it. And do me a favor, okay? Don’t tell anyone about Jax Junior yet. Charlotte will fucking kill me. She's superstitious as fuck and she's only seven weeks along. She heard it’s bad luck to tell anyone before twelve weeks or something.”
I laugh. “Jax Junior? You really think that shit is gonna fly?”
He chuckles. “A man can try.”
I laugh. “All right I won’t say a word. I’m the only one that knows?”
He nods and then says, “I gotta go, got a plane to catch.”
“You aren’t staying?” I ask, pretty disappointed if I’m being honest. I do miss the hell out of my makeshift family. “We aren’t gonna celebrate?”
He slips on a pair of dark sunglasses. “Well, I imagine we will have a family dinner when we tell everyone else.” He starts to walk toward the door and turns to look at me over his shoulder. “You gonna be there?”
I smile and rub the back of my stiff neck. “I’ll try to be.”
His hand grips the doorknob and he says, “See, if you lived there, you would know you could make it, and every other Monroe dinner.”
I smile at that thought. Even if it’ll be hard to be near Alex all the time and not be able to have her, it would be nice to near the family.
Who knows? Maybe it is time to make a move.
Chapter 36
Alex
L
ife goes on. I hate that fucking saying. Life has certainly gone on since the morning Shriller left, but it’s been shitty ever since. I can’t think about anything without my stupid, girly mind drifting to Shriller and our last night together.
Not even work cheered me up today. It’s late after closing the salon and I’m riding in the elevator up to my apartment.
Alone.
That’s what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
The elevator dings and as I step out, I see Jax. He has sunk down to the floor with his knees bent up, waiting for me outside of my door. He looks up, his face showing a little hint of tiredness on it. “Fucking finally!”
I roll my eyes as I walk to my door, pulling my keys out of my bag. “Jax, what are you doing here? It’s ten o'clock at night.”
He climbs to his feet, now towering over me. “We gotta talk.”
I shake my head, unlocking the door but not opening it. “Can it wait? I’ve had a long day.”
“Bet mine was longer. I just got back from Cali. But it can’t wait, I need to talk to you.”
I sigh and push the door open somewhat reluctantly, but then stop him before he walks in, blocking the doorway with my arm. “Wait. You went to California? When?”
“Today,” he answers easily.
“You went today and came back today?”
He nods and gently pushes my arm down and out of his way as he walks into my place and I follow him. “Yeah.”
“Why?” I’m not sure I want to know.
He takes a seat on the black bar stool in my kitchen. “To try to get Shriller to come home.”
“He is home,” I deadpan as I sit in the stool next to him.
He scoffs loudly, “That’s the same dumb shit he said. You’re both wrong. This is his home.”
“Jax, he’s a grown man.” I put my hand on his shoulder and mock him a little bit, “I know you miss him, but you are just gonna have to settle for playing with Dylan.”
He doesn’t laugh, which is odd. Instead he gives me a stern look and in a near “dad voice” says, “Alex, I’m not kidding. He needs to come home. You need to go get him.”
I laugh because this whole thing is ridiculous. “Go get him? He doesn’t want to be ‘gotten.’”
“Bullshit. Alex, he’s in love with you.” I drop my hand from Jax’s shoulder, not able to take his deadly serious tone.
I stand up and put some distance between me and the real-truth bomb Jax is trying to drop on me. “Jax. Stop.”
He jumps up from his stool and walks over to me in two long strides. “No, you stop. You two need to grow the fuck up. He loves you. You love him. Boom! Be together. It’s as simple as that!”
Damn, he’s mad. “It isn’t that simple,” I whine and instantly want to smack myself.
Jax puts each of his hands on both of my shoulders, bends down so he’s eye level, and makes me look at his serious expression. “It is, Alex. It really is. Fuck, you two are perfect for each other. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? Why you guys couldn’t make it work with anyone else.”
His hands are firmly on my shoulders, but he’s not hurting me. “Why?” I ask, sincerely clueless.
“Him and Brooke. That shit never made sense in the first place. I seriously have no idea how those two dated. You and that boring fucker, Stephen. Nope. Not right at all. You and Chris?”
“Chris was perfect for me,” I interject.
Jax is still determined to make his point. “On paper, yeah, he really was, but that shit didn’t work out either and you know why?”
“Because I’m fundamentally fucked-up. Thanks for pointing that out,” I say, totally emotionless.
He cracks a small smile, but shakes it off. “No.” He starts to talk slow, like he’s talking to a small child who is learning something brand new. “Alex, none of that worked out because, stay with me here, because it’s Shriller you are supposed to be with.”
I glare at him for talking to me like I’m stupid. “We would kill each other. And besides he doesn’t want commitment.”
“Oh, him telling you he loves you is him not wanting commitment?”
“He said he thought he loved me. That’s not the same.”
He drops his hands in frustration. “Jesus, Alex. You know damn well that was him telling you he loves you. You found a technicality to avoid your own damn feelings. What the fuck? I always thought you had balls bigger than mine tucked in those panties,” he says gesturing below my waist. “Shriller saying, ‘I think I love you.’ Is the equivalent of some sissy, sensitive boy writing a page-long love poem declaring his undying love for you and you fucking know it!”
I walk into living room, pacing like a maniac, trying to escape. “We wouldn’t work.”
Jax follows me and places a hand on my shoulder again to stop me from walking around. “So what? If you try and doesn’t work out, we will all still be there. That’s not what you’re scared of. You’re afraid it will.” He pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to me. “Figure this shit out.”
I look at the paper and see he booked me a morning flight to L.A. tomorrow. “Jax? You bought me a ticket to L.A.?”
He nods his head. “Yup. You better pack and get some damn sleep so you can go tomorrow.”
I hold the ticket out to him, but he refuses to take it. “Jax, this is insane. I’m not doing this.”
“What do you need, Alex?” He sighs heavily, “He loves you. He needs you. Can’t fucking breathe without you. There, I fucking said it for him. Go. Take the risk.”
I pull the ticket back and hold it in my hand at my side. “What if I go there and he has some skanky bitch at his house?”
Jax shrugs. “That’s a real possibility with Shriller.”
I glare at him, folding my arms. “Thanks.”
He chuckles. “If he does, do what the real Alex, the ballsy chick I fucking miss, would do. Pull that bitch out by her hair, toss her out to the curb, and claim your fucking man!”
He starts to walk to my door and says as he’s walking away from me. “I’m going home, it’s been a long day trying to fix you two. Get on that fucking plane tomorrow.”
He reaches the door and turns back. “You're stronger than this, Alex. You can do it.”
With that he leaves and I sit on my couch just staring at the plane ticket.
Can I though?
Chapter 37
Shriller
I
’m walking into the living room, looking for my keys so I can head out to the track when my phone beeps in my pocket.
I pull it out and look at the screen. I see it’s an alert from my home security system, telling me there is someone at my front door.
Instead of logging in to access the camera, I take the fifteen or so steps to the door and look out the peephole.
No fucking way.
Alex is standing there, and her body language is screaming that she’s nervous as hell. How long has she been standing there?
I pull the door open and a shocked Alex, dressed in ripped jeans and a black t-shirt that says, ‘fuck off’ in large white letters, jumps back away from the door.
“Alex, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”
She has her hair piled on top of her head in a bun and she palms it, nervously. “You have someone in there?”
She points behind me with her free hand. I’ve never seen her this erratic before. “Excuse me?”
She drops her hands in frustration. “You know, bleach blond, huge fake tits, model-type who is nearly six feet because you have to be tall to be beautiful,” she says sarcastically.
I shake my head no, slowly and repeat, “Are you okay?”
She bites her bottom lip and then moves her head from side to side. “No. Not even close.”
I take a step outside and toward her with some serious concern. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m in love with you.”
Did I hear that right? I stop dead in my tracks and stare dumbly at her. “What?”
She groans loudly, “Are you really going to make me say it again.” I nod once. And she sighs, “I love you, Shriller. I’m in love with you.”
I’m still dumbfounded and I can tell she’s getting pissed. I don’t want to fuck this up again. “What changed your mind?”
She looks around my empty street, but still says, “Can we go inside?”
“Yeah.” I gesture for her to follow me and she does. As we walk into the foyer, I close the door behind me.
“Jax.”
My eyebrows furrow as I look at her. “What? Jax made you change your mind?”
“Kind of. I don’t know. I’ve been miserable since you left. I wanted you to stay,” she says quietly and I know this is hard for her to admit.
“I wanted to
stay,” I say because if she’s trying, you better believe I will too.
Her eyes bore into mine. “Jax was at my place last night after getting back from here. He said that I used your poor wording as an excuse and he was right.”
I smile and fold my arms across my chest. I’ll have to thank him for that later. “He was? What are you scared of?”
She starts pacing like a crazy person in my foyer. “This. Us. It’s scary. I mean, I look at Dylan and Jax, and hell, even Luke. Those idiots seem to worship the ground their girls walk on, always saying the right thing, and that’s just so not us. We’re going to fight all of the fucking time.”
I laugh, “Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you as much as they love them. You don’t want someone kissing your ass.” I take a step closer to her, hoping she will stop the pacing. “You like a challenge, Alex. Let’s face it, you need someone who will call you on your shit and so do I.” I step forward again and take her hands in mine, “Someone you can hate fuck and make love to all in the same session.” I bring one hand up after effectively stopping her movement and cup the side of her face. “You need me.”
Her small hand covers mine and a tear falls down her cheek. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Tell me what’s really holding you back, Alex. Whatever it is, we will figure it out.”
“My parents are perfect. I mean, fucking perfect. They love each other, they’ve only been with each other. Fell in love, got married, had two kids. A boy and a girl. Just like they were supposed to. They are great parents, but they always wanted me to be that perfect lady they planned on. Because they planned everything out.”
That all makes sense and is pretty much what I guessed. “So, you rebelled and became a total badass.”
“They were so disappointed, but they tried really hard not to show it. So, I tried to fall in love and do the marriage and babies thing, but it was like I was sabotaging myself. Picking the wrong guys, fucking things up with the one that it could have been right with.”
