by Kym Brunner
After a shower and one small nick on my chin, I lingered in my closet. It took me a while to decide which of my T-shirts would make Lucy think I was funny but not morally repulsive. I settled on my blue I’M ONLY SMILING BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T FOUND THE BODIES T-shirt along with my second-favorite pair of jeans—both clean. I got dressed and flew downstairs a minute before Lincoln and I were slated to leave for school. He had started being prompt after he discovered that Lauren arrived early. Maybe he was worried some early-bird nerd would snatch his chick.
“Ready to go, Merce?” Lincoln grabbed an apple out of the wire fruit basket. He took a huge bite, chewing loudly.
“Yep.” I zipped my backpack and hoisted it onto my shoulder. I grabbed three granola bars out of the box on the counter and stuffed them in my pockets. “Bye, Tattleson.”
“Don’t call me that!” Maddie complained shrilly. “I don’t tattle anymore.”
Lincoln and I looked at each other, and we both burst out laughing. I told her, “Keep telling yourself that, Maddie, and maybe it’ll come true.”
We hopped into what Lincoln called his “rusty but trusty” silver Caddy, which was the size of a rowboat. He started the car and paddled down the driveway, cruising toward school with the music blasting.
“So did you and Lauren have a good time last night?” I shouted over the music, hoping to get some insight on what to do if and when Lucy and I started going out.
As things stood now, I’d kissed only two girls in my life. Beth Simmons in seventh grade, who didn’t have the decency to close her eyes. I know because I checked, resulting in a very awkward moment, for sure. And then Marcy Feldman at the eighth-grade graduation dance last year. She had eaten a ton of garlic bread before she came out and didn’t have any breath mints. Let’s just say that getting bitten in the lip by Flip would be more satisfying than either of those kisses were.
“We had an okay time.” Lincoln lowered the radio volume to a humane level. As we drove past our neighbor’s gray barn, a few sheep turned to stare, so I stared back. “We watched a funny movie, but we could have had a better time, if you know what I mean.”
Apparently Lauren wasn’t throwing herself at Lincoln like all the other girls he’d been with. “She wasn’t ‘in the mood’ last night, huh?”
He shook his head. “Not any night. Not with anyone. That’s what she told me, anyway. But she’s got a smoking-hot body, so it’s worth the wait.” He laughed, glancing my way.
I smiled but couldn’t resist telling him what was on my mind. “Yeah, but she’s really smart and super nice too. I mean, that’s what you like about her too, right?”
“Yeah, yeah. Of course.” He made a face as if I was an idiot for pointing that out. As he pulled into the school parking lot, he said to me, “Speaking of hot girls, what happened to that chick at the pet shop? The one you told you were a mouse lover?”
I grinned. “Actually, I found out she goes here.”
“Lucky for you, little bro-mite!” He grabbed his binder from the back seat.
As we got out of the car, I realized that falconry and girls were pretty much the only two things Lincoln and I talked about. We joined the swarm of kids herding toward the school entrance. “So little Mercer finally has a girlfriend? Good work, my man.” He congratulated me by patting my back hard, making me stumble.
I fought the urge to yelp. “She’s not my girlfriend yet. I just met her.”
“Then get some balls and ask her out. Don’t be such a wuss.” He hurried off, calling out to some dudes ahead of us.
Still feeling the sting in my back, I stumbled through the glass doors of Woodley High.
Going back to school after a weekend off was usually a drag, but I couldn’t wait to get this day started. I walked with the flow, keeping my eye out for Lucy. Sadly, I didn’t see her then or following any of my first four classes. It was Mercer’s Law at work again. When you wanted to find someone during passing periods, say a cute girl who you still couldn’t believe actually called you, she wasn’t anywhere to be found. But when you wanted to avoid someone, say an egotistical chiseled brother, it seemed my tender shoulder inevitably found his fist. Three times that morning, to be precise.
I congratulated myself on not falling asleep through any of my morning classes, but when fifth period came, I practically sprinted for my locker. Those three granola bars did not cut it. I dropped off my books and darted to the cafeteria before I died of malnourishment. I bought two foot-long hot dogs, a jumbo bag of cheddar potato chips, and a large Coke before heading to the table that Charlie, Reed, and I had occupied all last week.
Within two minutes of sitting down, my first dog was gone. Man, the food was way better here than in middle school. So were the girls. I couldn’t help noticing all the pretty girls of every size, shape, and color who walked by. If things didn’t work out with Lucy, at least there would be plenty of options at Woodley. My heart sank a bit at the thought, though.
I almost fell off the bench when I caught a glimpse of Lucy walking across the cafeteria. Sure, I was excited to see her, but that’s not why I almost fell—Charlie had flung himself next to me, and at five foot seven and a hundred ninety pounds, or so he claimed, his body was like a wrecking ball.
“Hey, Mercenary. What’s up?” Charlie tore open a packet of hot sauce with his teeth.
I resituated myself back on to the bench and mumbled, “Not much,” barely able to form words. With her back to me, Lucy stopped at the table kitty-corner from ours and placed one knee on the bench, scanning the cafeteria. She had on a tight white T-shirt with a U.S. flag blazoned across it and a pair of frayed jean shorts. I wondered if I should I call out her name or wait until she saw me.
Two guys with golf shirts tucked into their jeans temporarily blocked my view as they walked by with their trays, doing double takes as they passed her. I heard one of them say, “God bless America,” followed by a hysterical fit of laughter. Dorks.
“I must say, I’m feeling rather patriotic today myself.” Charlie squeezed the hot sauce onto his taco. “All I can say is Lucy is one lucky gal.”
I spun to look at him, my hand frozen inside my chip bag. “Wait. You know her?”
“Not yet. But she’s in my fourth-period Lit class, and after she starts going out with me, that’s what everyone will say. Lucy is so lucky to date such a hot motocross biker.” Charlie curled his hands into motorbike position and revved his engine, but with a farmer’s tan and a few extra chins, he looked more like a Harley has-been than a pro racer.
“One with a spare tire.” I smiled, poking the extra layer around his middle.
“That’s not a spare tire. That’s fallen chest muscle.” He patted his belly roll affectionately.
“I could use some of that myself,” I admitted, laughing. “The amazing thing is, I met that girl on Saturday. Twice, in fact. She even called me.”
“No, she didn’t, you lying piece of toe skin.” Charlie pushed my shoulder, nearly sending me to the floor. Again.
I was beginning to feel like the target in a Whac-a-Mole game. “Seriously! I just didn’t get a chance to tell you. She asked me to join her animal rights group, and I said yes. Not sure what it’s all about, but if it means I can hang out with her more, I can do that.” I grinned.
“I can be an animal if that’s what she wants.” Charlie raised his eyebrows twice and growled noisily. “Heck, I’d swear on my mother’s grave that I was a Baptist preacher if she liked that sort of thing.” He placed his hand on my shoulder, gently this time. “Hallelujah, my good friend. Go in peace.”
“You can’t swear on your mother’s grave because she’s still alive, you big idiot.” I swatted his hand away.
The thing was, Charlie fantasizing over Lucy made me realize that one of the other hundred or so guys in school who weren’t shy around girls would be asking her out any minute while I stood by and watched it happen—if it hadn’t happened already. I looked over at her unpacking her lunch and sighed. A
s much as I wanted to ask her to hang out, the fear of putting myself out there and having her relegate me to the friend zone made me reconsider. That was probably why I’d had so few dates. With owls, however, I was a real charmer. If I didn’t get over my fear soon, Monocle would have a good shot at becoming Mrs. Mercer Buddie.
Lucy gave an enthusiastic hello as two other girls sat down at her table. One of the girls was tiny, with straight pumpkin-pie-colored hair, and the other one, with a bright green streak in her hair, looked vaguely familiar. After a few seconds, I figured it out.
I elbowed Charlie. “Hey, Chubs. Isn’t that the girl who works at Dairy Barn?”
“Hmm . . . let me think.” Charlie’s hand discreetly made its way into my chip bag as he considered my question. I slammed my hand on top of his, stopping his progress. He managed to snatch a few chips despite my best efforts. “Ah, yes. A girl with my dream job. Maybe I should go over and say hello to those fine ladies.”
“No, wait!” I swallowed hard, holding my hand up. “Let me talk to Lucy first and then you can go.”
Charlie eyed my chips. “Sure. Go ahead. I’ll wait here and guard your lunch.”
“Fine.” I pushed my bag closer to him as I planned my attack. I’d walk over and say, “Hey, Lucy. How’s it going?” And she’d say, “Oh my gosh! It’s you, Mercer! I haven’t stopped thinking about you since our phone call.” I’d take a seat, we’d talk, and by the end of lunch, she’d realize what a studly mouse-lover I was and ask if I was going out with anyone. I could totally do this.
“Well, here goes nothing,” I told Charlie, standing. I took a deep breath and walked toward the girls’ table—and promptly zipped right past Lucy without saying a word.
It was painfully clear that I was indeed a wuss.
TEN
AS I SNATCHED A HANDFUL OF NAPKINS I DIDN’T intend to use, I convinced myself that I’d already done the hardest part—talking on the phone with Lucy and making plans to get together in the future—even if only to join some dumb club. The rest was simple. Smile and say hi. How hard could that be?
As I approached the girls’ table for the second time, my chest tightened. To my horror, Charlie stood there, his arms outstretched, a giant grin on his face. “Hello, my lovely ladies. Allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Charlie and I happen to be the finest stain removal expert in all of Woodley High. If any of you ever need me to dab at a ketchup spot on your chest or brush crumbs off your lap, I’m your man. I’ll be at the table right over here”—he turned slightly to point at our table—“if you need assistance.”
Lucy and Dairy Barn Girl looked at each other and burst out laughing, while the redhead didn’t look quite so amused. I tried to make eye contact with Lucy, but she was laughing so hard, she didn’t see me. I sat down at our table, disappointed in my lame performance. I spotted Reed standing by the cashier with a tray of food in his hands, looking bewildered. I stood for a second and held up my hand until he saw me. Already knowing what would follow, I watched in depressed amazement as all the girls flanking his path kept their eyes on him as if magnetically attracted to him, unable to look away.
Ever since I’d known him, Reed had been a chick whirlpool, engulfing all females within eyeshot of him. Old or young, pretty or average—it didn’t matter—they all got sucked in. Reed was nearly my height, had a curly brown ’fro, broad shoulders, and a deep dimple in his chin—a combination that made girls go crazy. When we studied Greek gods last year, Trina Becker even wrote Reed a letter addressed to Adonis. Reed thought the whole thing was weird, whereas I secretly wished a girl would write a letter like that to me.
Didn’t they care that Reed had flunked a grade? Okay, so he had to repeat kindergarten, but still. While he didn’t have trouble getting girls to like him, the only girls I’d ever heard Reed get really excited about were the ones on his Garage Girls calendar. He was a total gearhead, just like his dad. Charlie and I joke that Reed would eventually marry a girl only if she had spinners on her shoes, racing stripes, and a plume of black exhaust trailing behind her.
Reed plopped down across from me, his tray loaded with food. “Hey, Merce. Congrats on your hawk, man. That’s awesome.” He gave me a high-five.
I slapped him back, keeping my voice low and the wording vague on the tiny chance that Lucy was eavesdropping. “Thanks. You guys will have to come by after school one day so I can show him to you.” I’d fill Reed in later on the other Herculean feat I would be attempting soon—asking Lucy out.
“What are we, birdbrains?” Charlie stuck his thumbs under his armpits and squawked. “Of course we’ll come. Birds of a feather flock together and all that. That’s quite a feather in your cap, young man.”
I tilted my chin down and peered at Charlie with mock exasperation. “Enough.”
Reed laughed. “Hey, did you guys see these burgers? They’re the size of monster truck wheels.” He took such a huge bite that his cheeks bulged and he had a hard time chewing.
“You think you took a big enough bite?” I asked, laughing. “Your burger’s half gone.”
Reed nodded, unable to speak. With a sigh, I snatched my empty bag of chips from Charlie and tilted my head back, letting the crumbs slide into my mouth.
Charlie smiled. “If you think that’s impressive, tomorrow I can teach you the fine art of spitting without drippage.”
Reed burped. “Sign me up,” he said, stuffing the rest of his burger into his mouth.
I was about to say, “Me too,” but a rebel crumb scrambled down my throat, making me choke. I reached for my napkin to spit out my food—hopefully without drippage—at the exact moment Lucy and her friends approached our table. I turned my head and spat the whole disaster into my napkin, shoving the balled-up mess into my lunch bag and crunching it closed.
Lucy held a pink clipboard in her arms and had a smile on her face, Dairy Barn Girl toyed with a green strand of hair, and the ginger wore a T-shirt that had a picture of a dead cow on the front. The caption read I DIED FOR YOUR SINS.
A bit strong, but whatever. Slogan tees were cool in my book.
I smiled and gave Lucy a nod, trying not to appear overly eager yet still interested. Lincoln had told me a bunch of times that girls liked jerks better than nice guys. It didn’t make any sense, but girls were harder to figure out than slopes in math. “Hey, Lucy.”
“Mercer!” She acted sincerely surprised and, I have to say, really happy to see me. “How’s Cinnamon?”
I grinned uncomfortably. “Fine. Great.”
Charlie elbowed me in the ribs. “Who’s Cinnamon?”
Lucy looked confused. “You didn’t tell them about your new pet mouse?”
Reed laughed. “You mean the mice he uses for—”
I kicked Reed under the table and finished his sentence. “Companionship? Nah, I didn’t get a chance yet.” I shot Reed a look, hoping he wouldn’t blow my cover.
“Mercer’s always such a loner. Those mice bring him such comfort.” Charlie patted my shoulder, back in preacher mode.
“What’s with the clipboard?” I asked Lucy, deliberately changing the topic.
She opened her mouth to answer when the redhead cut her off. “Let me explain. I’m Haley, and this is Jeanette and Lucy.” She pointed as she said their names. “We’ve started a Woodley High chapter of HALT and we’re looking for new members. Our mission is to speak for the millions of animals who suffer horrible deaths at the hand of humans. We want to put a stop to it with your help. The first step is making this cafeteria meatless, and we want you to sign our petition.”
Lucy touched Haley’s arm. “This is the guy I was telling you about, Haley.” She handed me the shiny pink clipboard and pen with such admiration in her eyes, you’d think she was handing me an Oscar. “Sign your name right after ours, Mercer.”
Reed held up his hand. “Wait. Did you say meatless? You mean, like only vegetables?” Lucy turned and stared at him, making my chances go up in flames. One lo
ok at Reed, and she’d think I was as handsome as a potato sack.
“I’ll take that, thanks.” I shot Reed a conspiratorial glance, hoping he’d take my cue that I liked this girl and to keep his mouth shut about my carnivorous ways. I took the pen from Lucy, letting my hand slide across hers. I scrawled my name on the line.
Haley snatched the clipboard from me and held it out to Charlie. “How about you? Are you interested in fighting for an animal’s right to remain whole and alive?”
Charlie smiled at Haley. “Why, yes. I’d love to, my little hot tamale.”
Jeanette giggled at his remark, tucking a few green-streaked strands behind her ear. Haley visibly winced, glaring at Charlie. “Just Haley is fine, thanks.”
“Haley is fine.” Charlie chuckled, one sinister eyebrow arched. “I’ll call you anything you want, my paprika-haired angel. And I’ll sign your petition just as soon as you agree to have dinner with me tonight.”
Haley exhaled loudly. “Never mind.” She shot Lucy a look as if she’d known that coming to our table would be a waste of time. “How about you?” She poked Reed’s shoulder with her pen. “You want to be the big man and fight for animals’ rights, like your friend over there?”
Reed looked up at her, his forehead creased with confusion, the burger grease still evident on the corners of his mouth. “You’re kidding, right? I just ate half a cow here.”
Haley made a face, her top lip curling up into a sneer. “That cow was in a field minding her own business a week ago. Eating animals is cruel and should be outlawed.”
“Outlawing meat is cruel, if you ask me.” Reed tossed his used napkin on the table.
Haley rolled her eyes. “Forget these guys. Let’s go.”
She started to walk away when Charlie called out, “Wait, my little veggie girls! Don’t leave yet. You haven’t heard the menu I have planned: Green Bean Mishmash with a side of Tofu Schmofu Salad, but I’m open to skipping that and going right to making out if you prefer.”
