by Anne Fraser
‘It’s not just what I did, Jamie. You of all people should know that it takes two to make a baby,’ she said, a small smile twisting her mouth.
Jamie had removed himself to the other side of the room, putting as much physical distance as possible between him and Sarah and the baby. He looked at her coldly. ‘You told me you were on the Pill,’ Jamie said flatly. ‘I would never…’
‘Never what, Jamie? Made love to me? If I remember correctly, that last night when you came round, you couldn’t wait to get me back in your bed.’
Sarah’s cheeks burned at the memory of their last night together. Of him standing in her small sitting room, looking as beautiful and dangerously enticing as Lucifer. Of her capitulation and their frenzied love-making before he had left her in the early hours of the morning. She had woken to find him staring down at her. Had it been a trick of the moonlight that had made her imagine the tenderness in his eyes as he’d gazed down at her? She had reached up and pulled him towards her. ‘I could come with you,’ she had whispered, not caring that she was laying her heart at his feet. He had gently detached her hands from around his neck.
‘You are about to achieve everything you ever dreamed of in your career, Sarah. I can’t give you what you want from me. Not when I’m…’ He had hesitated. ‘Not the committing kind.’ And so he had left with one last lingering kiss.
Sarah forced her thoughts back to the present.
‘And I was on the Pill,’ she stressed ‘until you told me it was over between us. And I thought it really was. That last evening was, well, unexpected.’ Once more her cheeks flared as she stumbled over her words. Calum was getting restless in his mother’s arms, beginning to squirm.
‘Why didn’t you tell me when you found out you were pregnant?’ Sarah winced as Jamie ground out the words. ‘Didn’t you think I had the right to know?’ He stood, arms crossed, looking at Sarah. She had seen that look before, usually when he had been justifiably ticking off some junior doctor for failing in some way. It was the first time she had ever had his disapproval directed at her. She lifted her chin.
‘And what would you have done?’ she asked scathingly ‘Come rushing back? Offered to make an honest woman of me? No, Jamie. You made it crystal clear that marriage and children weren’t part of your plans.’
‘You could have had a termination.’ Jamie’s voice was emotionless. Sarah felt as if she had been kicked in the stomach.
‘A termination? Oh, believe me, I thought about it. I wasn’t ready to be a mum. And certainly not a single mother. But when it came down to it I just couldn’t do it. She clutched Calum closer, unable to imagine a life without him. ‘Is that what you would have wanted me to do? How can you bear to think that? Especially now that you’ve seen him? No, Jamie, having Calum was the best decision I ever made in my life. If you feel differently, I was right not to tell you.’
Jamie rubbed his face tiredly. Suddenly all the anger seemed to drain out of him.
‘You don’t understand…’ he began, but before he could finish there was an urgent rap at the door and Lizzie pushed the door open.
‘Jamie, Sarah, sorry to interrupt,’ she said, taking in the atmosphere in the room with a quizzical eye, ‘but I’m a bit worried about Mrs Croy—the pregnant lady.’
Jamie and Sarah immediately focused their attention on the young nurse, following her out of the room towards Resus.
‘Could you take Calum home, Mum?’ Sarah said as she passed her mother in the corridor. Calum immediately let out a loud wail at being removed from his mother’s arms and Sarah couldn’t suppress the pang she felt as she passed him over.
‘I can handle this,’ Jamie said tightly.
‘I know you can, but it’s my job, too. Calum will be fine in a moment.’
‘Are you sure?’ Jamie asked, his voice softening. But Sarah was already striding off in front of him without a backward glance at her snuffling baby. Surreptitiously she blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. She was determined not to let anyone see, least of all Jamie, how much Calum’s cries tore at her heart. Millions of women had to leave their babies to work. As she had told Jamie, she had a job to do.
Her baby’s plaintive cries still ringing in her ears, she bent over the frightened woman lying on the gurney in front of her.
Lucy looked from Sarah to Jamie, her eyes full of terror.
‘I haven’t felt my baby move since I came in. That’s not normal, is it?’ She reached over and clutched Jamie’s arm with a strength that her small frame belied. ‘Please, Doctor, don’t let anything happen to my baby.’
‘Try not to worry,’ Jamie said softly. ‘We’re going to do everything in our power to make sure your baby stays healthy.’
‘The obstetrician was down earlier, but thought everything was fine. He was happy for Mrs Croy to stay in the department while she had all her tests. We kept the monitor on, though, as he suggested,’ Lizzie told the doctors. Sarah could read the anxiety in her eyes. Clearly she felt something was wrong, too.
‘Could I see the tracing?’ Sarah asked. It had been a long time since she had done obstetrics and she prayed she remembered enough.
Lizzie handed Sarah the tracing of the baby’s heartbeat. The lines looked ominously flat, suggesting the baby was in some distress. Wordlessly she passed it to Jamie. ‘Get the obstetrican back down here stat, please, Lizzie. As well as a paediatrician and anaesthetist,’ she added quietly, not wishing to further alarm the already terrified mother.
Jamie looked at the tracing and nodded at Sarah.
‘I’d just like to have another look at your tummy if I may, Lucy.’
Jamie lifted Lucy’s gown and felt her abdomen. ‘Her abdomen feels soft and normal but…’ He stepped back, looking puzzled for a moment. ‘Sarah, what do you make of this?’ Sarah bent over the woman. She could just make out a line of discolouration underneath Lucy’s swollen abdomen.
‘It looks like bruising from the seat belt.’
Jamie nodded grimly.
‘It wasn’t here when I first examined her. But bruising can take an hour or two to develop.’ Sarah knew immediately what was causing his frown of concern.
‘Lucy, I just want to examine you down below.’
Lucy’s frantic eyes darted from Jamie to Sarah. It was clear she could sense their concern.
‘She has some bleeding.’ Sarah finished examining Lucy and looked at Jamie. She read the confirmation in his eyes.
‘Lucy,’ Jamie said gently, ‘we think you might have had an abruption. It’s where the placenta—the bit that nourishes the baby—breaks away from the wall of the uterus. It means we are going to have to get your baby delivered straight away.’
‘Is my baby going to die?’ Lucy whispered.
‘Not if we’ve got anything to do with it. We’re going to have to perform a Caesarean section and get the baby out. Lizzie, could you set up Resus for the op?’
Damn, where was the obstetrician? Sarah thought. It had been a few years since she had done a section. As an accident and emergency trainee she had been taught how to do it for emergencies such as this. But it had always been under the supervision of a consultant obstetrician.
Jamie caught her look and smiled reassuringly as he started scrubbing up. He seemed to read her mind. ‘We don’t have time to wait. Hopefully Donald will be here shortly, but I’ve done dozens of C-sections in Africa. We didn’t have the luxury of obstetricians in the hospital I worked in, so we all had plenty of practice. How do you feel about assisting?’
‘Like a hole in the head,’ Sarah muttered under her breath. Some first day! Could it possibly get any worse? But she couldn’t let her anxiety show. Not when everyone was watching her closely. ‘Of course I’m happy to assist.’
‘Better still, why don’t you do it and I’ll talk you through it?’ Jamie suggested.
He was right, of course. It would be a good way for her to brush up on her technique while having someone experienced standing by. She had always love
d the surgical part of her training, taking pride in her neat needlework.
His confidence in her helped her make up her mind. ‘OK. Lizzie, could you call in the medical staff who are free to observe?’ It would be good experience for them. They were part of a teaching hospital after all. Part of the consultants’ responsibilities was to ensure that junior medical staff got thorough training in all aspects of emergency medicine. She looked at Lucy, who had been listening in, clearly terrified.
‘Do we have your permission, Lucy?’ she asked gently. ‘It really is necessary to get baby out as soon as possible.’
Lucy looked from Sarah to Jamie for a moment before making up her mind. Mutely, she nodded her agreement. ‘Just save my baby,’ she pleaded.
Within minutes the young mother was draped and the staff gowned up. The anaesthetist arrived and gave her a spinal anaesthetic to deaden the feeling below her waist. The medical and nursing staff stood around to observe. Sarah knew they’d be interested to see how their new boss coped with the emergency.
Sarah took the scalpel Jamie held out for her and made a neat incision across Lucy’s abdomen roughly where the seat belt had caused the bruising. Jamie used his hands to hold the layers of muscle and fat so that Sarah could see more easily what she was doing. Just as she made the final incision into the uterus, the obstetrician, Donald, appeared gowned and gloved.
‘Sorry, folks. It’s bedlam upstairs. Everything was perfectly quiet until an hour ago then all hell broke loose…’ He watched Sarah for a few moments. ‘Looks like you’ve got everything under control here. Are you OK to close up or would you like me to hang around? It’s just that they could do with my help upstairs and you guys seem to be handling everything here.’
Almost before he had finished speaking, Sarah removed the baby, nodding her agreement to the harassed obstetrician while smiling her pleasure at the new arrival. Jamie checked the baby was starting to breathe as he prepared to cut the cord. ‘You have a beautiful, healthy baby girl Lucy. You have a quick hold of her and then we’ll let the paediatrician give her a quick once-over while Dr Carruthers stitches you up.’
He turned to Donald. ‘It’s all right. You can go. We’ll finish up here then get Mrs Croy and baby up to the postnatal ward.’
Jamie watched as Sarah stitched Mrs Croy’s abdomen together, her small hands working quickly. Unbidden, the image of those same hands fluttering across his chest and moving downwards rushed back. She had always had the power to surprise him. Underneath that cool professional exterior was a woman of hidden passion and innovation. At the memory he almost groaned aloud. Ye gods, he thought to himself, he had to concentrate on work. Seeing he was no longer required, he quietly left the room.
Later, Jamie went in search of the solitude of the staffroom. He needed time to think. He had managed to avoid being alone with Sarah for the rest of the shift. It hadn’t been difficult. By the time Mrs Croy had been taken up to the postnatal ward, a queue of non-urgent patients had formed and he and all the other doctors had had to work flat out to ensure that they were all seen and treated.
But by six in the evening all the patients requiring the consultants’ expertise had either been sent home or dispatched to the wards for follow-up care. Most of the junior day medical staff had gone, replaced by the night shift.
He was pretty certain that Sarah had left for the day. The full implications of seeing her again and finding out that she had a son—they had a son—had hit him hard. But now wasn’t the time for rational discussion. Not before he knew exactly what he was going to do.
To his dismay, when he opened the door to the staffroom, he found Sarah sitting in one of the armchairs, holding a cup of coffee loosely in her hands. Her head was leaning back, exposing her long, delicate neck, and her eyes were closed, her breathing steady. Her thick blonde hair had come loose from the rather severe chignon she’d had when she’d arrived that morning and fell in wisps about her face. It made her look younger than her twenty-nine years and very vulnerable. As he watched her sleeping form he realised that despite the fifteen months and the continents that had he had put between them, he still cared for her. His heart twisted. How would she feel when she knew the truth? And one way or another, eventually she would have to know
‘SJ?’ he said quietly as he reached forward and gently removed the mug from her fingers, unsure if she was asleep. Her eyes fluttered open and for a long moment her green eyes, heavily fringed with dark lashes, gazed into his.
‘Jamie,’ she murmured dreamily.
Then suddenly she sprang to her feet.
‘How long have you been watching me?’
‘I’ve just come in. I thought you’d be long gone by now. Don’t you have someone you need to get home to?’ he said gently.
‘Calum! He’ll be waiting for me.’ She looked at her watch. ‘Is that the time already? It’ll be his bedtime soon,’ she said wistfully.
‘Off you go. I’ll finish up here,’ Jamie offered
‘I won’t be treated any differently. I am fully prepared to take my share of the workload. I’ll go home when I’m good and ready,’ she told him, eyes flashing. But Jamie could see the fatigue in the deepening circles around her eyes and the way she moved to try and ease her aching back. Before he could stop himself he came up behind her and started massaging her shoulders with strong fingers.
He felt a shudder go through her slight frame and for a moment she leaned against him. He breathed in the heady scent of her perfume and the fragrance of her shampoo. He felt himself grow hard at the memories the feel of her body evoked. Aghast, he pushed her away from him.
She looked at him, confusion in her emerald green eyes.
‘Go home, Sarah,’ he said huskily.
‘I need to write up some notes before I can leave,’ she responded tiredly.
‘Leave them. I’ll do them. Now, go home, woman, before I lift you bodily out of this department.’ It wasn’t the right thing to say. For a moment he detected a glint of rebellion in her eyes before the shutters came down.
She held her hands up. ‘OK. OK, I’m going!’ she said, slipping a note in his hand before she left. ‘My new address and telephone number. We will have to talk some time, but preferably not in the hospital.’
After Sarah left, Jamie sank back into the chair, still warm from Sarah’s body, his head in his hands. Why couldn’t he have stayed away from her that last night?
He had been a fool. A selfish fool. Now everything had changed. With a sigh he picked up the phone.
‘Robert? Jamie,’ he said when the phone was answered. ‘Look, I need a favour from you. Never mind what it is right now, but could you come around to my flat, say, about eight this evening? Great I’ll fill you in then.’ He replaced the receiver. There was one thing he still had to do before he left for the night. He left the staffroom and made his way to the nurses’ station. Checking to make sure that there was no one around, he selected a couple of needles, syringes and vials for collecting blood, and slipped them into his pocket.
* * *
Sarah moved around the kitchen, putting laundry away and making up the next day’s bottles. It had taken longer than usual to settle Calum, who had been fractious and unsettled after a day without his mother. She was exhausted. It had not been a good first day, she thought. Oh, the work had been demanding, but she had loved every minute of it. She supposed practising medicine was like riding a bike—you never really forgot what to do. And as long as you kept up with the latest medical journals…She cast a guilty eye at the unread pile sitting on her coffee-table.
No, it wasn’t work that had left her feeling as if she had done a few rounds with a heavy weight boxer, it had been meeting Jamie again on top of the emotional upheaval of leaving Calum. Her son and her job was as much as she could cope with right now. The last thing she needed, in her already overcomplicated life, was Jamie Campbell stirring up old emotions.
‘You should go to bed, darling,’ her mother said, entering the kitchen. She,
too, looked tired. Something else to feel guilty about. Her mother wasn’t getting any younger and, God knew, looking after a six-month-old baby for hours at a time clearly took its toll.
‘No, you get yourself home, Mum. I’m fine. Besides…’
‘You’re hoping he’ll phone or call round, aren’t you?’ her mother said softly. ‘But it’s almost ten, so it’s a little unlikely, don’t you think?’
‘Why didn’t he let me know he was back? I could have broken the news better.’
‘I thought you decided you weren’t going to tell him?’
‘I wasn’t. There didn’t seem to be a need. I thought if he knew, guilt—or a sense of duty—would make him try to pick up where we left off—he’s that kind of man. But it wouldn’t be because of me. It would be because of Calum. And I don’t want him unless…’ Calum stirred in his sleep. Mrs Carruthers followed Sarah into the nursery. They both held their breath as Calum sighed and his breathing grew deep and regular once more. The two women stood over the sleeping form and smiled at each other.
‘Unless he can love you, too. Not just because you are the mother of his child,’ her mother finished for her.
‘Something like that, I guess.’ Sarah grinned wryly. ‘But we can manage, can’t we? I have Calum, you and my career. It’s enough. There’s no room in my life for a love affair. When would I have the time?’ She laughed but there was a break in her voice. ‘Anyway,’ Sarah went on, ‘he clearly wasn’t lying when he told me he didn’t want children. Did you see his reaction when he realised Calum was his? I know he said he didn’t want children, but surely after seeing Calum he must feel something? Oh, Mum, how can he not care? What will I tell Calum when he’s older? How can I tell him his father didn’t want him—even when he knew about him? Why did he have to come back? We were fine as we were.’
