by Lee Miller
“Okay mom, before we tarnish the reputation of this city’s leading ladies, what say we grab a bite to eat and deal with the events of today as quickly as possible?” she didn’t want to be out doing what they were doing today. She knew it had to be done. That they had to give Chris a proper send off, she just wasn’t ready to say ‘good-bye’ to him yet. She wanted to be out driving with him. Going and seeing Beth with him. Bemoaning the horrible weather with him. Not planning his funeral. Not picking out caskets. Not thinking about flower arrangements. She wanted to get all of this behind her. If she had to do it, she wanted to get it done and over with. “Are you still on your vegan diet mom? If so that limits where we can go.” Sara’s mood swings were driving her nuts. “When would they even back out?” she thought, one minute playing around with Jackie, the next on the verge of tears thinking about having to bury the only man in this world she had ever loved. She wanted to turn the truck back around and go back to bed, but she couldn’t. She had to see this through. “Vegan? Oh heavens no dear! I gave that up. I love steak and burgers too much. Plus, at my age, I can’t afford to miss out on the delicious things life has to offer just for the possibility of adding a couple more years to my life. I should think a nice juicy burger would hit the spot for lunch.” The look on Jackie’s face and the smile on her lips made her look like a ravenous woman about to jump at the first sign of meat. Sara was a bit concerned. “You should totally see your face right now mom.” Sara’s soft laugh filled the cab. A sound that seemed a little out of place, felt out of place. “Let’s see Sara, SmashBurger is just up ahead. Yes. I think that’d do nicely.” Jackie reminded Sara of a little kid being taken out for their first treat in a long time. She was almost positively gleeful at the idea of sinking her teeth into a juicy, thick burger. “Smash burger it is. Mmm…Smashfries sound really good too!”
Lunch went by without much ado. Jackie tried to keep the mood light and refused to let Sara sink into her own thoughts. She was grateful for the older woman. She knew lost in her own thoughts was no place for her to be. They often grew dark and miserable. She would grieve and in her own time and come out on the other side. Right now; all she could see was the vast ocean of grief staring at her and the further out it flowed, the darker it seemed to get. There was no ‘other side’ even in sight. She knew her faith was going to be needed to get through this. She wasn’t strong enough to handle it herself. In the ocean of grief there were bound to be storms of despair and tides of regret. She knew she needed all the strength she could muster. She would need Jackie’s overabundance of humor and Beth’s grounding. She would need help from those around her to make it through the weeks and months ahead. Sara imagined that she was much like a boat lost at sea. That she needed her friends and family to be the sails that caught the winds of change and moved her safely to the other shore.
The afternoon went by in a blur. The time with the funeral director went smoothly and quickly. By the time she and Jackie were done, the hard parts of the day were behind her. Casket picked, music selected, flowers arranged. Everything but the date was set. Sara got through it all and was able to keep her emotions in check; Jackie however broke down and cried. It was the first time she let herself go and for once, Sara had to comfort her. She was attuned to just how difficult it was for a young wife to have to bury her young husband, but had never thought about how difficult it must be for his mother to have to bury her son. Sara felt guilty at being lost in her own world of grief and not considering just how bad this effected other people who knew Chris; especially his own mom. She vowed then and there to be a lot better at taking Jackie’s feelings into consideration. She wasn’t in this alone and she needed to stop thinking like she was. There were others who set sail across the ocean of grief at the same time Sara did. She would be one of the sails on Jackie’s boat, as she knew Jackie would be one of the sails on hers.
After leaving the funeral home she and Jackie walked in silence back to the truck. Sara stopped just in front of it and looked at the paternal figure that was with her. “I love you mom. I always will.” Sara pulled Jackie in for a gentle hug and the two woman wept in silence. Holding onto one another for comfort and support. United in their grief as equally as they were united as a family. The love they shared for each other would endure beyond the years. Sara wasn’t alone.
With a renewed understanding of the life she had to now face, she gained strength from the knowledge that she wasn’t alone in this. She felt she could go and see Beth and be able to help her through her own crises. Beth was and barring something she herself did, would always be her best friend. She was another sail for Sara and Sara for her. Arriving at the midscale apartment complex Beth lived in, Sara saw her 1965 rag top mustang parked in its proper place. Sara had always laughed at Beth’s car. It was one her dad gave her when she turned 16 and they rebuilt together. She still drove it and kept it maintained. It was hard to imagine a girly girl like Beth getting greasy working on a car; but she herself had spent more than a few Saturdays In this very parking lot helping Beth change out plugs or oil. They would laugh and embrace their inner tomboys, then get dressed up and head out for a night on the town. She loved her best friend’s quirkiness. Sara wheeled the truck into a parking space assigned for visitors and headed up to Apartment 373A. She knocked on the door twice before she heard any movement from inside. She was beginning to get worried when Beth answered the door; her hair and makeup was a mess and she was out of breath. “You okay Beth?” Beth stared at her for a moment as if not fully understanding who was at her door. Sara grew a little unnerved and glanced to Jackie. “Sara?” Beth’s voice was emotional and sounded like it came from a distance, like Beth was far away. “Yes sweetie, I told you yesterday?” Sara looked at Jackie for conformation and received it in the slightest nod of her head, “Yeah, I told you yesterday we’d be coming by this afternoon.” Beth’s eye lit up at once, Sara saw life return to the crystal grayness. “Of course! Come in! I was just getting things packed up.” Sara and Jackie walked through the door; the place was a bit of a mess. A couple of empty wine bottles and at least two beer cans were strung around the kitchen. “Been tying one on huh? Couldn’t even wait for me?” Sara said teasingly. Beth stopped in her tracks and turned to look at the only woman outside of her bloodline that she loved. Sara could see a world of emotion in them. Hurt, betrayal, fear, hate, anger, love, loss. Sara imagined her own eyes looked just as devastating to others at times. “Beth.” Sara began. Her voice loaded with emotion and barely above a whisper. “Beth I’m so sorry…” “Stop. Sara. Just Stop. What do you have to apologize for? I’m the one who was apparently engaged to a lunatic killer that you offed after he killed Chris. I mean seriously, how do you even put any of that into one sentence without sounding like a total nut job?” Beth’s eyes were wide and her voice broke on almost every word, but Sara could sense the humor that was implied. They stared at each other a long moment. Sara saw in Beth’s eyes all the hurt her own heart felt. She had always known that Beth was a kindred soul. That they were both cut from the same cloth. They had been best friends for years. Shared everything. Cried, laughed, loved, hoped, walked, and talked. They had been through almost everything life could throw at you and they were always be each other side during it. Sara took the last couple of steps that separated her and Beth and wrapped her arms around her and Beth cried. Sara assumed for the first time in a few days. She cried like she was never going to stop. “I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get over here sweetheart. I should have been here sooner. You’ve had to live with all of this by yourself and I should have been there for you.” Sara couldn’t help herself. The tears lashed at the corner of her eyes. Stinging rain fell and rolled down her cheeks and began soaking Beth’s shirt. The two woman just stood there and emptied their souls of the hurt and anguish they both felt. Beth was the first to pull away and look Sara In the face. “You know, when I heard what had happen, I came to see you in the hospital, but they wouldn’t let me in. They said I had to be family.
I told them you were the only family I had. I thought you told them to say that because you didn’t want to see me.” Sara took a step back and sized up her friend. “Sweetie, in these darkest days of my life, you are one of the few people I can’t see me without. I can’t do this on my own. I need your help. I was under protection because until I woke up and told them everything, they had no idea who it was that sent him that night. They were afraid someone would come back and try to finish the job.”
Sara put her heart out there. It was never far from her central thoughts that Beth lost her fiancé because Sara had killed him. Granted, he had just murdered her husband, then tried to rape and kill her, but would an irrational mind see that? Sara didn’t know until now. Beth didn’t blame her for Tommy’s death; Beth blamed Tommy. “So, we are moving in together? Just like we had planned back in collage. Like, seriously gonna be roommates? Can I paint your toenails?” Beth’s wide-eyed exuberance for life returning. “Yup. We are gonna be roommates. You can move in and stay as long as you like. Mi casa es su casa. Don’t ask me to say anything else, that’s all the Spanish I remember from two years of it. Paint my toenails? What an odd request.” Sara looked forward to this. Life was nowhere near normal, probably wouldn’t be for a while, but having the slightly eccentric and a little bit weird Beth living with her promised that things would probably never get boring. “Well ladies, the sun is dropping and we have to get the truck loaded and make it back across town. Shall we get started?” Jackie’s voice bringing the two friends back to the here and now. “Got everything packed Beth?” Sara asked. Beth’s sheepish look said enough. “Got anything packed?” Sara continued. Beth’s screwed up face and crooked smile answered that question too. “Well, guess we better get packing. Umm…have any thoughts on what you’re bringing?” Beth looked around the apartment. “Well, clothes obviously, but I was thinking my TV and PS4, movies, books, you know I don’t go any place for too long without my collection of Dean, and anything I have that you need around the house.” Sara knew all too well about Beth’s fascination for the works of Dean Koontz. He was her favorite author. Sara had read a lot of his stuff and liked him better than most other current writers. They began by getting her cloths packed up. As they moved about the apartment getting stuff ready to go down to either the truck of Beth’s mustang, Sara was able to let loose and just enjoy the moment. The last week notwithstanding, this felt very much like how life with Beth was. She was just easy to be around, easy to talk to. Sara missed their late night conversations in collage and their staying up till dawn drinking coffee and chatting about the latest gossip around school or boy she was interested in. Sara never had much to contribute to the latter. Before she met Chris she wasn’t looking for anyone, after she met him, she wasn’t looking at anyone. Chris was the first and only guy she had willingly been with. As night drew near, the sodium vapor lamps in the parking lot buzzed to life and caste their unflattering yellowish light all over the place. All three women starting carrying stuff out to one of the two vehicles. The night air had a chilling bite to it. Sara knew wearing a dress today was probably a bad idea, but if she was cold, how must Beth feel in shorts and a t-shirt? The woman was crazy. “Um, Beth, you sure you don’t want to put something warmer on? I mean seriously, flip-flops in the winter time?” Beth seemed to think about that for a minute, “Nah. I’m good. It’s only cold if you think it is.” She said and Sara watched as she went back into the apartment to get another load. She turned to Jackie who seemed to take issue with Beth’s attire also. “Something’s about that girl I’ll never understand.” “She is a one of a kind it seems.” Sara and Jackie walked back into the apartment as Beth was coming out with another load. “You two move like molasses running uphill in July.” “Uh, Beth. I think the phrase is “Moving like molasses in January.” Sara corrected. “Hey, you got your sayings, I got mine. Get off my cloud you.” Sara reached in as Beth passed her and kissed her on the forehead. “What would I do without you sister?” She went and retrieved another load and brought it out. As they finished loading everything into one of the two vehicles, Beth stopped and looked over the railing to the passing river that was across the street. “You know the great thing about rivers?” she asked. “Not from your perspective, No.” Sara replied. “Even though it all looks the same, nothing about it is. It’s always changing. The water we see today isn’t water we see there tomorrow. It gives me hope to think that someday, though this is still my life, it will be a changed life. It won’t be the same as the life I have today.” Sara thought on that for a moment. “Who says you can’t do anything with a philosophy degree? You could write greeting cards.” Beth turned and laughed. “Yeah, guess I could, but I was also serious. Way to ruin the mood you ass.” Beth slugged her in the arm and started downstairs. Sara took one last look at the river, even though she teased Beth about it; she knew the girl had a point. It may always look like your life, but it will always be different from the life you lived yesterday. That thought gave Sara hope as well.
They arrived back at the apartment needle they now all called home. Sara was able to retrieve a furniture mover from the security station and got all of Beth’s stuff in two loads. They sat her up in the guest room next to the one Jackie was occupying. Sara now had a full house; so to speak every room had an occupant. Tomorrow they would have to run out and get more bedding. After getting everything settled and a light dinner out of the way, Beth and Sara retired to the giant wall of glass, each with a glass of wine in hand. “Just like the dorm days.” Beth remarked as they look out at the sprawling city’s nightlife. “Yeah, except then we’d be out on the town, not in our PJs drinking wine at home.” Sara reminded her. “Meh, with age comes cheaper wine and bigger responsibility?” Beth offered. “Maybe so. Got a question for you, have you ever lost time? You know, have a period of time that you don’t remember what happen?” Sara asked. “Well yeah. Everybody does. How much time are we talking?” Beth asked. “Oh, I dunno, an entire day?” Sara asked hoping that wasn’t too much time to have completely forgotten. “Well, depends, how much drugs did you take beforehand?” Beth looked a little concerned which should have really concerned Sara. “None. I don’t partake in gratuitous drug use Beth, you know that.” “Meh. You’ve had a lot going on Sara; don’t beat yourself up on the small things. It’s understandable that you forget things. Besides, I’m here now, you won’t be missing out on much.” Beth said, placing an arm around Sara’s shoulders and leaning on her. Sara thought for a moment. “Beth, you know you don’t have to be brave for me. What we both went through is bound to leave its mark on each of us and has to place some kind of strain on our friendship. I don’t want to lose you, but fully understand if you’re mad at me or upset or whatever.” Sara finished and looked to her friend. Beth leveled her gaze at Sara, and in those rare moments of absolute clarity, Beth showed her true level of wisdom. “I have been angry with you. I have been upset with you. I have covered every emotion possible with you. I have never blamed you for things that weren’t of your doing, or things that were out of your control. You killed Tommy. You had to. He left you no choice. I don’t blame you for his death. I blame him. You did what anyone in your capacity would have done. Do I miss him? I miss the man I knew; not the man that he really was. The man that I knew died that night too. He killed the man that I knew. You killed the man that he was. Be at peace sister. I love you and will always have your back. You did nothing wrong Sara.” Beth’s eyes begin to tear up. Sara couldn’t fight them back either. Both women were sisters. Different families, different upbringings, but both decided long ago blood doesn’t make family, love does. They stood there in silence, and sipped their wine. Any more words at this point would have been useless. Each knew where the other stood and they stood together. Sara knew somehow, they would both make it through this.
