***
I pull into the driveway just as Adam is coming out the door. “On your way to class?” I ask getting out.
Adam opens the passenger side door of his truck to toss his backpack onto the front seat. Turning around the wind catches his blue and green flannel blowing it open to show the white t-shirt underneath. “Yeah. I’ve got classes until 6pm, but some friends of mine invited me to a campus party afterwards. Will you be okay here if I go? I might not make it back until the morning so I thought maybe you could stay the night with Kat or something. The home security guy won’t be able to get here until next week.” I’m about to tell him that’s fine when he hastily adds, “But I can blow off the party if you’d rather me come home.”
“I told you, you don’t have to put your life on hold for me. I’m fine and I’ll still be fine if you go. In fact, I want you to go. Go and have some fun. Besides, I actually do have plans with Kat so you don’t have to worry about me.” Of course, those plans are to go to the town sponsored candlelight vigil for Sam, but I’m not about to tell Adam that because then he’ll definitely feel like he has to stay.
Closing the passenger side door he moves around to the driver’s side. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine. I promise. Now go.”
Adam climbs into the truck. Once inside he rolls down the window to pop his head out. “Oh, I left you some money on the counter in case you wanted to order out tonight along with a little something I picked up for you.”
“Really? You got me a gift? What is it?”
“You’ll see when you open it.”
“You’re no fun.” I stick my tongue out.
“Very classy.” He laughs. “Have fun with Kat tonight and if you need anything call me and I’ll come straight home.”
“I will. You have fun tonight too.” I wave good-bye as he backs down the drive. I wish I were going out to have fun tonight, but I’m guessing that fun is the last thing I’ll be having at a vigil for Sam. Misery and torment is more like it.
Inside the house I head to the kitchen to see what Adam got me. Beside the money is a small black box containing the newest iPhone. A squeal of delight bursts out of me as I do a little happy dance. Thankfully, I’m home alone so no one can see me dance like a freak because that would be pretty embarrassing. Although after going a week without a cell, maybe I wouldn’t mind dancing like a freak in front of someone. I stuff the cash in my back pocket as quick as I can because that new phone is calling my name.
Fully charged and ready to use, I send a text to both Kat and Jared to let them know I’m with phone again. My phone beeps back twice before I make it a foot out of the kitchen. The first is from Kat.
Bout time u returned 2 the land of texting. I can almost hear her nails tap against the screen of her phone in excitement. Kat is a huge texter.
I know.
U still coming w/ me 2nite?
Yes.
Meet at ur house at 8? The vigil starts at 9.
Sounds like a plan.
I climb the stairs two at a time to my room where I flop down on the bed with a bounce. The second text is from Jared.
What happened 2 u last nite? U were gone when I got up.
I didn’t want 2 wake u.
U should have so I could’ve kissed u good-bye.
And there it is. I knew we’d have to talk about it, but now that the conversation is here I don’t know what to say? I know I don’t want to hurt him, but I also know that we can’t be more than friends. The annoying rational part of me tells me that this is what’s best, even though everything else in me wants to say otherwise. It wants to say ‘let it happen and be happy’ and if I were a normal girl, I would without hesitation. But I’m not normal. Not anymore. And everything in my life right now is scary and confusing including my feelings for Jared. I’m so afraid that if we were to become more he’d end up getting hurt either because of me or because of Blondie trying to get to me.
Can u meet me at my house after school? I text.
Sure.
We need to talk about last night.
He doesn’t text me back.
***
Over the next couple of hours I bid my time doing laundry and cleaning the house. Anything to keep my mind off the dreaded conversation I’m going to be having with Jared soon. By the time I see him pull into his driveway across the street, my stomach is full of knots and my hands are a sweaty mess. I wipe them off on the back of my jeans as I watch him walk up the path to my house.
I swallow back raw nerves as I open the front door leaving Jared’s hand suspended in mid knock. Head down, eyes covered by the bill of his cap, he brushes past me without a word. Tension grows between us until it’s thick enough to choke on. He knows something’s wrong.
He stays in the foyer leaning against the wall beside the table Adam and I use for keys and mail, crossing his arms over his chest. Defensive position. Lifting his chin up a fraction, he looks out at me with shadowed eyes that I can’t read.
I open my mouth preparing to list off all the reasons why we need to stay just friends. Before I can get a word out he cuts me off.
“You regret kissing me last night don’t you?” The hurt in his voice is like knives to my chest.
“I…we…you’re…” The words in my mouth are a scrambled mess refusing to come out right. I clear my throat and start over. “I don’t regret kissing you, but I also know I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. You’re my best friend Jared. I don’t want that to change.”
“Why would that have to change?”
“Because it would. And then if things don’t work out our friendship would be ruined?”
“Our friendship could never be ruined Hanna.”
“It ruined your friendship with Kat. You two can’t even stand to be in the same room together. I don’t want us to become like that.”
“We would never be like that.”
“I want to believe that, but neither one of us can predict what will happen between us if we go down that road. We could be great or we could be bad, and I don’t want to risk the chance that it could be bad, because I need you in my life. That’s why I think it would be better if we didn’t complicate things. That’s why I think it would be better if we just stayed friends.” I feel like the most horrible person in the world when I see the hurt in his eyes. I want so badly to reach out and touch him, but I don’t because it would only make things worse. All I can do is try to explain my reasons and hope he understands.
“Since that night at The Iron Knife, my life has been on this crazy path. Last night when I came to your house covered in blood it was because I’d had a nightmare and in it I had to stab myself to escape Blondie’s torments. Whatever happens to me in my dreams with Blondie happens to me in the real world, and I really thought I was going to die that time. But I didn’t, and when I woke up Adam wasn’t home and I was so scared and so alone and I needed you. You’ve always been there for me and you’ve never once questioned my sanity about all of this craziness. Last night you made me feel so safe and I acted without really thinking it through. I’m so sorry I hurt you because of it.”
“So you’re saying you don’t feel anything for me then? I’m just some guy you used to make yourself feel better?” His voice is a sharp mix of hurt and anger.
I deserve it.
“No. That’s not how it was. You’re not just some guy and I’m not saying that I don’t feel something for you because I do. Maybe too much and right now I can’t say that it’s not because of all these intense things that are happening to me. You’re the only person I’ve told. I feel closer to you than anyone else, but what if that’s all this is? What if I’m only being drawn to you because you make me feel safe in all this madness? Everything is so confusing right now and that’s why I need us to just be friends.”
“What if I don’t want to be just your friend? What if I want more?” He sighs, looks down, half smiles. “When you kissed me last night it was th
e happiest moment of my life. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for that moment.”
I open my mouth, but he raises his hand silencing me.
“Don’t.” He strides to the door, resting his hand on the handle. “Just…don’t. I don’t want to hear your excuses. Maybe you think you’re confused about how you feel, but I’m not. I know exactly how I feel about you and deep down I think you know exactly how you really feel about me. The only thing I don’t know is why you’re denying it.”
“Jared.”
“No.” He lets go of the doorknob, twists his cap around, and in one huge step takes my face into his hands. Leaning down he kisses me. Everything in me melts and I start to forget why I wanted to push him away. But then the kiss ends and I remember. Resting his forehead against mine he says, “Tell me you didn’t feel anything just now and I’ll go.”
“I…” Have no words.
That’s a lie. I have all the words, and I can’t say any of them. And I feel so much that it’s tearing me apart, and I can’t do anything about it no matter how much I want to. I can’t get involved. We can’t get involved. My life is too much of a mess; my feelings are all over the place, and with Blondie stalking me…
“Okay.” Jared closes his eyes, bites his bottom lip. “I’ll go then.” He releases me, turns, and opens the door.
“Jared, wait.” He pauses, but doesn’t look back. “Please, I never meant to hurt you.”
“Maybe so. But you did anyway.”
“I know.” I whisper, because anymore than that and I’m going to lose it.
He steps outside.
“Please don’t go.” I’m crumbling inside. Everything that I didn’t want to happen is happening. I’m losing my best friend and I only have myself to blame.
“I have to.” After what feels like forever he finally looks at me only to crush me with the raw emotions in his eyes. “You broke my heart.” The finality of the door closing behind him; echoes all around me.
CHAPTER NINE
“You look like crap Hanna.” Kat hovers in the doorway of my room, her arms crossed over her chest.
Yeah, well, I feel like crap, so why shouldn’t I look like it too, I think to myself.
The colossal mess I’ve made between Jared and I is all I can think about and it’s seriously dragging me down. In fact, it beat me up pretty good and I’m surprised I’m not a pile of mush on the floor.
“You’re not planning on wearing that to the vigil are you?” Kat asks indicating my current outfit.
With a sigh, or maybe it’s a grunt, I don’t know, I haul myself up off the bed, dragging my feet over to the closet. “No, I guess not.” I flip through the hangers not really looking at any of it. “What are you supposed to wear to these things anyway?”
“Move over, let me look.” She pushes me out of the way, taking over. “You can wear anything really, but it’s always better to look good like me in my opinion.” She’s wearing a floral dress that stops an inch above her knees with a plunging neckline that’s a little too low for my comfort. The top half of her hair is pulled back and held with a barrette, leaving the rest to flow in loose curls. “So lets see if we can find you something nice.”
Because all of the things I have are crap.
I know Kat doesn’t really think that my stuff is crap. I’m just in a crappy mood because I’ve totally messed things up, probably beyond repair, with Jared. Why did I have to kiss him last night? Why couldn’t I have just kept my feelings to myself until I better understood them? If I had he wouldn’t hate me right now and I wouldn’t be feeling so guilty about letting him think I don’t reciprocate his feelings because I do. So much, I think I do.
Why does everything always have to be so complicated and confusing? Why can’t I just be a normal girl with normal obvious feelings for a boy she’s known most of her life? I don’t want to have to question how I feel because of crazy outside circumstances and I don’t want Jared to be hurt by my questioning it. But I guess it’s too late for that.
“Earth to Hanna?”
“Huh?”
“Do you have any dresses or skirts?”
“No, probably not.” I lean back in the desk chair, tilting my head back so I can see the painted stars above me swirl as I spin around and around. It hurts too much to think about Jared and all I want to do is spin faster and faster until I disappear into the constellations.
Kat exits my closet empty handed. “I need to take you shopping so we can buy you some girl clothes.”
“Jeans and t-shirts are girls’ clothes too you know.” I stop spinning and watch as the multiple Kats I see before me merge back into one person.
“Come on.” She grabs my hand, leading me out of my room and down the hall. We stop outside my parent’s bedroom door.
“I can’t go in there.” I state it like a fact because it is. I haven’t been in their room since they died and I have no desire to go in there now, if ever. I don’t want to look at their things knowing that they're never coming back.
“Your mom always wore such nice clothes and I thought maybe you could borrow something for tonight.”
Kat is insane if she thinks I’m going to wear my dead mother’s clothes. I have a hard enough time suppressing the panic attacks that creep up on me when I pass their door. There’s just no way. “I can’t.”
The doorknob twists under Kat’s hand, the door cracking open a sliver.
I don’t think. I only react and my reaction is to slap her hand away and slam the door shut. “I said NO, Kat.”
A red handprint flares on her forearm. “Ow, Hanna. That hurt.”
Guilt kicks me in the gut and I regret hitting her immediately. “I’m so sorry Kat. I didn’t mean to smack you like that. I just…I just can’t go in there.”
“Okay, geez.” She rubs at the welt then narrows her eyes. “What’s your problem anyway? You’ve been in a mood since I got here.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Tears sting the back of my eyes and I struggle to blink them away. “It’s just. I haven’t been in their room in two years and I got into a fight with Jared earlier and there’s…” I tug my sleeve down until my whole hand is inside. “All this other crap I’m going through right now.”
“Like what?” She asks, her voice losing the hard edge it had a few minutes ago. “You can talk to me Hanna. You’re my best friend. I’m always here for you. You know that right?”
I nod and for a moment I seriously consider telling her everything, but in the end all I say is, “I probably have a nice shirt in the back of my closet I can wear and I just bought a new pair of jeans last week that I haven’t worn yet that can go with it.” Taking the hint that I don’t want to talk right now Kat follows me back to my room.
I disappear into my closet reemerging with an ocean blue top still on the hanger. It’s probably one of the dressier shirts I have. Little ruffles flow from the collar down to an empire waist cut and from there it gathers around the torso giving the bottom half a bit of a flare. The material is a little sheer so I’ll have to wear a tank top underneath. Kat would probably wear it as it is. I hand it to her before disappearing once again into my closet to retrieve the pair of raven black skinny jeans I bought to go with it.
“Oh, I like this. Too bad we’re not the same size because I would so borrow this.” She hands the shirt back to me so I can get changed. “I do hope you have some other type of shoe that’s not Converse to go with it.”
I smile a little as I duck behind the closet door to change. “Nope, but you can help me choose between the blue or black ones.”
Once I’m changed and she’s satisfied with how I look we head outside. I slide into the passenger seat of Benzie, Kat’s little red Mercedes convertible. The one before this was named Tom after the cute salesman. Kat’s mom is a wealthy lawyer so she gets a new Mercedes every couple of years along with all the expensive clothes, purses, and shoes that she wants. Material things are how Kat’s mom makes up for being gone most of the time. And Kat
seems to be okay with that arrangement.
I buckle my seatbelt using the excuse of flipping my hair over my shoulder to sneak a glimpse at Jared’s house. The driveway is empty; no lights are on in the house. My shoulders droop.
I’m not as inconspicuous as I think I am though because Kat notices the change in my demeanor. “Was the fight between you and Jared that bad?”
“Yeah. I messed things up by doing something that I shouldn’t have.”
“What did you do?” She looks over at me while she backs down the driveway.
I consider whether or not I should tell her given that he’s technically one of her ex-boyfriends. Of course, she swears that she hates him now, so maybe if I just blurt it out it won’t be so bad.
“Ikissedhimlastnightandthenwemadeoutforawhileuntilwebothfellasleep.” I brace for impact but Kat’s eyes remain on the road, though I think she’s stiffened a little. “And then today I basically told him it was a mistake and now he’s mad and hurt because he doesn’t think it was.”
I wait for her to say something, anything, but she doesn’t and silence hangs awkwardly between us. She brakes at the stop sign. A tan minivan drives past leaving the road clear for her to go. She doesn’t.
She’s mad. I’ve broken some sort of girl code about making out with your friends ex or something and now she’s going to rip me a new one. I should have just kept my mouth shut.
“Do you know why Jared and I broke up sophomore year?” She doesn’t look at me. Feelings of unease settle in the middle of my chest.
“No, neither one of you ever really talked about it.”
She puts the car in park even though we’re in the middle of the street. Shifting in her seat she finally looks at me. “We broke up because of you.”
“Me?” Why would they break up over me?
“Yeah. It was always you he was in love with. It was never me. That’s why I was always so mean to him. Especially when you were around. I couldn’t stand the sight of you guys together.”
She’s still mean to him. Does that mean that she still has feelings for him? And how did I not know any of this? How did I not know how he felt this whole time? No wonder he was so hurt.
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