“It was good?” Desiree said.
“Uh huh.” Mildred swung her legs over the side of the bed and took a deep breath. “You know the only thing wrong with these Chinese doodads?”
“What?”
“An hour later you want to do it again,” Mildred said.
Desiree laughed. She handed the remote to Mildred. “My turn.”
The P Word
“Don’t let your mama see it. She’d kill me and then tell Mama and then Mama would kill me all over again,” Mildred said. She was on the phone with Greta.
“Floyd’s real excited about it. He says he’ll put it in his tidy whities if I’m too scared to wear it. It’s a perfect way to keep my virginity intact and have fun, but I’m kind of scared. It has an awful lot of knobs and doohickeys. I still haven’t figured out how to set the dials on my new toaster,” Greta said.
“Oh, honey, no worries,” Mildred said. “I tried it out and Desiree tried it out…” Mildred blushed at the thought of that. She had managed to give Desiree the ride of her life. Three – count ‘em – THREE orgasms. And afterward, they’d gone out and had ice cream. “And it worked just fine. No pussies were harmed during the experience.”
“Oh my Gosh, you said the P-word,” Greta said. “I could never say that.”
“Sure you can! It’s very liberating. I’m learning to talk all sexy like. One of the girls I work with, her name’s Fessa, she’s teaching me how to talk dirty.”
“You think Floyd would like dirty talk?”
“He’d love it! Give it a try. Say pussy like you mean it.”
Greta exhaled. “Okay, here goes.” She took a deep breath. “Pussy,” she squeaked.
“You got to say it like you mean it. Lower your voice and make it growl. Say ‘I want you in my pussy right now.’”
Greta lowered her voice, intoning, “I want you in my pussy now, right now.”
“That sounded like Darth Vader.”
Greta said, “Floyd loves Star Wars. Maybe I could turn him on with a Yoda impersonation. ‘In my pussy right now, I want you.’”
They laughed.
“Of course, he’s not getting anywhere near the inside of my P-word until he puts a ring on it,” Greta said.
“That’s the beauty of the panty vibrator.”
“If this gigolo girl thing doesn’t work out, you could be a rep for the panty vibrator company just like Joletta does with those Merle Norman beauty products,” Greta said.
“Mmmhmm,” Mildred said. “Maybe I could get me one of them pink Cadillacs.”
Qui Gives Advice
Mildred was talking to Desiree on the phone. She didn’t know which one of them was more nervous and if Desiree was nervous, Mildred truly had something to fear.
“You’re going have to do Lucy Tabor on your own,” Desiree said. “I can’t do anything about it. I’ve got back-to-back gigs. I’ve called Candy Sweet and she’s going to pick you up in half an hour. Have Lucy call you a cab whenever you’re done. I’m so sorry, Mildred. I wanted to be there for you on this but Lucy Tabor is just like that—she’s not much of a planner. She’s what we in the business call a ‘Spur-of-the-Momentee.’ And we just have to go with it.”
Mildred bit her lip. “Well, I guess I gotta jump in the lake sometime. And you all said Lucy was LBD so she’ll go easy on me, right?”
Qui was dusting with a feather duster. She flitted around the room like a gnat in a tornado. She dusted the lamps, the end tables and, as if Mildred, in the middle of her crisis, was another piece of furniture, she dusted Mildred’s head and shoulders as well. Mildred didn’t dare say anything as Qui still glared at her whenever she had an opportunity.
“Okay, I’ve got to go,” Desiree said. Mildred heard a woman moaning in the background. Desiree was amazing when it came to multi-tasking. “Bye. And good luck,” Desiree said.
Mildred hung up the phone and glanced at the clock. Crapola, she only had twenty-nine minutes left! She ran to her closet and threw open the door. She stood paralyzed. What should she wear? What did LBD clients expect you to wear? She didn’t want to call Desiree back. She was obviously busy. She attacked her closet, discarding clothes as fast as she could pull them off hangers. Soon she was half-buried in a gigantic pile of clothes. She stopped and tried to even out her breathing. She had worked herself into a full-fledged panic attack.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Qui dusting the pictures in the hall. Maybe Qui would have some ideas. She must have seen Desiree getting dressed for her gigs. Of course, there was the language-communication issue. Then she had a Eureka moment! They could act out their conversation. After all, Mildred was the reigning Terrence champion of charades.
“Qui?” Mildred called out. “Can I bother you for a minute?”
Qui entered the room. Mildred pointed at the clothes. “I don’t know what to wear for work tonight.”
Qui scowled and cocked her head. Mildred knew that Qui knew what they did for a living. Desiree had told her that.
“I,” Mildred said and pointed at herself. “Go,” she said and did a walking motion with her fingers. “To work…” Here was where she got stuck. The only thing she could think of was the old standby for sex—the pelvic thrust. So she humped the air and made grunting noises.
Qui nodded. She disappeared into Mildred’s bathroom and came back out holding her pink silk robe.
“Well, now that’s a pretty good idea. Why not arrive ready to work? But what about footwear?” Mildred asked, pointing at her bare feet.
Qui dug around in Mildred’s closet and pulled out a pair of pink stiletto heels.
Mildred clapped her hands ecstatically. “Yes, that’s perfect!”
Qui actually smiled. Then she held out her hand.
Mildred was puzzled momentarily. “Oh, oh, right. Qui wanted a turtle. Mildred raced for the front closet where Desiree kept the turtles. Qui followed her out. Mildred opened the closet. She didn’t know what kind to give Qui so she did a Vanna White up-and-down gesture at the stacked boxes in the closet. “Pick what you like.”
Qui smiled again. She pulled out a turtle the size of a bowling ball. Mildred wasn’t certain about that one—perhaps Desiree was keeping it for an especially bad indiscretion. Oh, well, she couldn’t go back on her word now. “Okay.”
Wrapping her arms around the abnormally large turtle, Qui waddled away. She was like one of those worker ants, Mildred thought. She could carry ten times her own weight.
Mildred’s phone rang and she hurdled the couch to retrieve it off the coffee table. “Hello?”
“Are you ready? We gotta jet, girl. I’m due on the other side of town in twenty minutes,” Candy Sweet said.
“I’ll be right there,” Mildred said. She hung up and raced down the hall, stripped down, put on a sexy pair of panties and the pink robe. She shoved on her heels and grabbed her purse, running for the door. Halfway down the hall, she skidded to a stop. “Oh, shoot fire! I almost forgot!” She ran back to her bedroom and threw open the top drawer of her nightstand. She pulled out the panty vibrator, tossed it into her purse and ran outside.
Candy Sweet sat out front of the building in her yellow Mini-Cooper convertible, filling up most of it. “What the hell are you wearing?”
“My ready-to-work clothes,” Mildred said brightly. “This is okay, isn’t it?” She was self-conscious now.
Candy Sweet just shook her head. “Damn, girl, only you. Well, Lucy Tabor’s an oddball so this just might work. Besides, you don’t have time to change now.” Mildred’s butt had barely touched the passenger seat before Candy Sweet shoved the car into first gear and burnt rubber.
“So you got any words of advice?” Mildred asked, clicking her seat belt. Candy Sweet drove like a Nascar professional.
“Yeah, it’s dark.” Candy Sweet said, cutting over three lanes of traffic despite the protestations of the other drivers. There was much flipping off and honking. Candy Sweet paid no mind.
“What do you mean, dark?�
�
“She keeps the place dark. Real dark. She figures if she can’t see it happening then it isn’t real. And if it isn’t real then it isn’t really cheating on her partner. Like how people think Skype sex isn’t the real thing.”
“Makes sense,” Mildred said with a shrug.
“The hell it does. That woman is bat-shit crazy.” Candy Sweet nearly gave Mildred whiplash as she screeched to a halt in front of a brick four-plex with a tidy lawn. All the lights were off.
Mildred slowly extricated herself from the tiny car. She didn’t know how Candy Sweet managed to get herself out from under wheel. It probably took a shoehorn to get her in and a can opener to get her out.
“Good luck and watch out for the furniture. I banged my shin good one time on her coffee table.”
“Okie dokie,” Mildred said, putting on a brave face. She shut the car door. “Here goes nothin’.”
The Dark Side
Mildred knocked on the front door of the four-plex until she realized she had to get buzzed in. No one had told her which apartment. She studied the tiny labels by the button. Tabor and Hudson were in Apartment 1. Mildred pressed the button.
A voice crackled over the small speaker, “Is that you?”
“It’s me.” Mildred replied. “Who did you want?”
“Are you the girl…” There was a pause. “The you-know-who that’s selling you-know-what?” the voice asked.
Mildred thought for a moment. “Yes, that would be me.”
“I’ll buzz you in. Go to the first door on the left.”
Mildred took a deep breath and entered after the buzz. She knocked on the first door on the left. “Please, God, let this go right,” she whispered aloud. She quickly clapped her hand over her mouth. One shouldn’t ask God for good luck on something he might frown down on. But then she remembered that He created all things. That meant He made orgasms, right? And if some people needed help having them then she was, in a way, doing God’s work.
The door opened a crack and a hand slithered out. “Hurry,” the voice said. The hand grabbed Mildred by the collar and pulled her inside. The door slammed and locked behind her.
Mildred blinked twice. When Candy Sweet said it was dark, she meant dark. Not one ray of light from anywhere leaked into the apartment. She couldn’t even make out what Lucy Tabor looked like.
“Come with me,” Lucy took her by the hand and walked her across the room. “Watch out for the coffee table.”
Lucy pushed Mildred down onto a sofa. In a matter of mere seconds, Lucy was straddled across Mildred’s lap and was kissing her ardently. Obviously, Lucy meant business. Mildred tried to warm into the situation. It wasn’t long before Lucy’s kisses and warm breath and roving hands began to make Mildred twingle. Twingle was a word that Mildred had made up. It was a cross between a twitch and a tingle. It was a good thing.
Lucy stopped kissing her for a minute. She breathed in Mildred’s ear, “What’s your name, honey?”
“Mil…” Mildred caught herself in time, “Milly Jean Twitty.”
“Mmmm, I’m liking you already,” Lucy said. She caressed inside Mildred’s pink robe. Mildred’s nipples hardened. “And I really like your choice of attire. Ease of access. Are you wearing high heels?”
“Yes…” Mildred was going to say ‘ma’am’ but remembered that women felt old if you called them ‘ma’am.’ She sure didn’t want that. “I thought you’d like it.”
“Oh, I do,” Lucy said, sliding her hand down Mildred’s leg to caress her ankle. She took Mildred’s shoe off. Mildred felt Lucy hold the shoe up before her face.
“Are your shoes Jimmy Choos?”
“Why, yes. How’d you know?”
“I spend a lot of time in the dark. I have a heightened sense of hearing. Shall we go to the bedroom?”
“Sure. That would be nice,” Mildred said trying to keep the trepidation from eking into her voice. She still didn’t understand how Lucy could hear a Jimmy Choo shoe.
Lucy grabbed Mildred’s hand and pulled her to her feet. Mildred realized too late that she was only wearing one high heel. She tottered a moment, tried to regain her balance, and leaned into Lucy. Lucy fell backwards onto the floor and Mildred plopped on top of her.
“Well, aren’t you the eager beaver,” Lucy said.
“Sorry,” Mildred said.
“Don’t’ be,” Lucy said, whipping Mildred’s robe off in one seamless move. “Me likey.”
Mildred figured now was as good time as ever and not knowing what Lucy was wearing reached down to find out it was a short skirt and Lucy wasn’t wearing any panties. Well, that certainly made things easier.
“Oooh, and I see you found my eager beaver. You naughty, naughty girl,” Lucy said. “Forget going to the bedroom. Let’s do it here.”
“Okie dokie,” Mildred said.
“Didn’t you bring me a surprise?” Lucy asked.
Mildred remembered the panty vibrator. “It’s in my purse.”
“Get it out.”
“I can’t find my purse. It’s too dark in here.”
“Ssshhh…” After a moment of silence, Lucy said, “I hear it. It’s on the sofa. I’ll get it.”
Mildred felt Lucy sit up and reach out. She heard Lucy rummaging around in her purse. Lucy said, “This is like looking for the prize at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.”
Mildred tried to fill the awkward moment with chatter. She said, “They make my fingers get all sticky.”
“What does?”
“Cracker Jacks,” Mildred said.
“Hmm…yes they do.” Lucy evidently found what she was looking for. “Ooh, this is a new toy. How exciting.”
Mildred said, “Oh, yes, I think you’ll like it. It’ll make you twingle all over.”
Lucy groaned and shifted. “There. It’s in.”
“You put it in you?”
“Yes, baby, I did. How do you turn it on? Is it this button?”
“It’s not supposed to be in you. It’s supposed to be…”
A horrible crackling noise interrupted Mildred. She would know that crackling noise anywhere. It was the taser!
Holy cow! Lucy just tasered her pussy!
“Omigod!” Lucy screamed. She bucked like a wild bronco, tossing Mildred to the other side of the room.
The crackling noise continued, intertwined with Lucy’s screams.
“You gotta stop, Lucy! Push the kill switch. You’ll have a heart attack,” Mildred said. It was bad enough to electrocute her lady parts; she didn’t want her to die, too.
The crackling sound stopped. So did the screams.
Mildred groped the wall next to the door for a light switch. She found it and turned it on. The room was suddenly thrown into bright light. Mildred blinked.
Lucy was sprawled out on the floor with her skirt up around her waist. One leg was thrown up on the coffee table. Her head lolled to one side and her tongue was sticking out of her mouth. Her hair was curly. Mildred didn’t know if her hair was naturally curly or if the taser had curled it.
Mildred crept over to Lucy and pulled the taser out of her woo-hoo.
Lucy blinked twice and gave Mildred a lop-sided grin. “That was the best orgasm I ever had,” she muttered.
Not My Circus
Lucy was still spasming when Mildred threw on her robe and made her hasty exit. Lucy didn’t seem to notice or care that she was going. Mildred couldn’t hear her missing shoe, so she hobbled to the front door, narrowly missing what appeared to be a coat rack on the way out.
Waiting outside was Candy Sweet in her Mini Cooper. Mildred collapsed into the passenger seat. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I got done early and I figured I might as well come get you. I felt guilty leaving you on your own like that. I remembered my first time. It was kind of scary.”
“Thank you so much, but we better burn some rubber. I may have overdone it a bit and I don’t know if Lucy is gonna make it out alive,” Mildred said, removing her other sho
e.
That’s all Candy Sweet needed to hear. She peeled out, leaving burnt rubber halfway down the block. Once they were on the freeway, Candy Sweet looked Mildred up and down. “How come you’re wearing only one shoe?”
“I couldn’t hear the other one. It’s was so dark.”
“What the hell happened in there?”
“I tasered her.”
“You what!” Candy Sweet shouted.
“I tasered her vagina. It was an accident.”
“Now, that’s a new one on me. How do you accidentally taser a person’s vagina?”
“Well, she got into my purse…and grabbed the taser. She mistook it for…a you-know-what and she stuck it in her you-know-where.”
“She thought your taser was a dildo?”
“I reckon so.”
“I can’t believe you tasered her vagina,” Candy Sweet said incredulously.
“On the bright side, she seemed to like it.”
“Well, hell’s bells. I never heard of that trick,” Candy Sweet said as she wove through cars on the freeway, and hit the exit ramp at about ninety, the tires screeching as they rounded the cloverleaf. Mildred held on for dear life.
“I hope she doesn’t die from the aftershocks. I wouldn’t want to murder my very first client. I’d get fired for sure.” Mildred’s eyes got big. “You won’t tell Honey Belle?”
“Oh, no, I wouldn’t do that. She’d have us tasering everyone of the S and M crowd. I’m not going to jail for killing those strange-ass people.”
“If Lucy dies will I go to prison? I’d be someone’s bitch for sure. I don’t have much of a backbone when it comes to standing up for myself.”
“Was she breathing when you left?”
“Yes, and moaning and thrashing around like an epileptic.”
“Then she’s all right.” Candy Sweet patted Mildred’s thigh reassuringly.
Mildred sighed heavily. Maybe she wasn’t cut out for this kind of work.
Candy Sweet’s phone blared the song Good Vibrations. She picked it up and answered. After a moment, she said, “I got her right here. But I’ll let her tell you about the almost-murder she committed. We’re pulling up in front of your building now.” Candy Sweet hung up and tossed her phone in her purse.
Gigolo Girl Page 6
