Li’l D yipped and licked Heavenly Bliss’s nose.
Heavenly Bliss yanked half the bills out of the stack of money and handed the other half to Velvet Thrust. “Go give this to Fessa. Tell her to hurry and get those plugs planted. I need her back in business.”
Velvet Thrust rushed off.
Desiree yawned and headed for the door. “We got to go. I’m exhausted. Enforcing is hard work.”
Mildred threw a goodbye kiss to Li’l D. “Hasta la vista, baby,” she said in her best Terminator voice.
Champagne Dreams
Mildred and Desiree were sitting on the couch in the living room, wearing matching silk pajamas. The bright nighttime lights of Bon Chance shimmered outside the large picture window. Mildred couldn’t get enough of the view. “It’s like looking at sparkly diamonds all strung up on a necklace,” Mildred said.
Desiree poured champagne into flute glasses and handed one to Mildred. Mildred took a sip and giggled. “It’s tickly in my nose.”
“Haven’t you ever had champagne?” Desiree asked.
“No,” Mildred said. “There’s not a lot of champagne back in Terrence. It’s mostly Bud Light country.”
“I guess so,” Desiree said, sipping from her own glass.
“Greta will literally poop her pants when I tell her I’m wearing silk and drinking champagne,” Mildred said.
“You mean figuratively,” Desiree said. “At least I hope she doesn’t literally poop in her pants.”
“Oh, you and your big ol’ brain,” Mildred said, swatting Desiree playfully on the arm. “That’s just one of the things I adore about you.”
“Oh?” Desiree said coyly. “And what’re the other things, pray tell?”
“Well, I like that I can talk to you about stuff. And you don’t make fun of me. And…” Mildred looked away, embarrassed. What she really wanted to tell Desiree was that she was beginning to have feelings for her. And not just any old feelings either. These were love feelings. But if she told Desiree she was falling in love with her it might ruin their friendship—not to mention their jobs. And Mildred couldn’t stand the thought of losing Desiree. “I had an awful lot of fun with you tonight,” Mildred said instead.
Desiree lifted her glass. “To us. We make a great team,” she said, and clinked glasses with Mildred.
“Mmmm,” Mildred said, drinking in small sips. “This is so yummy, I’ll never drink anything else.”
“I was saving it for a special occasion. And if tonight wasn’t special, I don’t know what is. Here’s to us finishing a brilliant assignment. You know this is going to score us some big points with Honey Belle. You watch.” Desiree smiled smugly.
“Maybe Honey Belle won’t regret hiring me after all,” Mildred said.
“Oh, sweetie, she already thinks you’re worth it. I mean you’ve got a great body, you’re pretty and you’re a really nice person. You wait until word gets out about Lucy Tabor and the taser. The LBD crowd will be lining up to sample your wares. You’re perfect for them.”
“You mean I’m like a cat?”
“A cat?” Desiree said, pouring them more champagne.
Mildred giggled. The champagne was going straight to her head—it felt like it was full of bubbles. “You know, like how cats are attracted to people who don’t like them. The cats see the people as non-threatening so they pester the heck out of them. And that really frustrates the people who do want to pet the cat, but the cat ignores them. See, I’m like the cat only I’ll be the cat that does want to be petted or I guess I’m the one who’ll be doing the petting.”
Desiree laughed. “That makes absolutely no sense. Are you the cat or the person?”
Mildred took a long swallow of her champagne and answered, “I’m the cat and the person.”
Desiree nodded. “I think I understand now. You’re both the pussy who wants to be petted and the person who has a pussy who wants to be petted.”
“Right!” Mildred said, gesturing emphatically with her glass. Champagne sloshed everywhere. Mildred and Desiree burst into giggles and fell back on the couch.
It was no accident that Mildred fell into Desiree’s arms, her lips only an inch from Desiree’s lips. How easy it would be kiss her, Mildred thought. How easy and wonderful and tempting and—
Desiree suddenly sat up and scooted to the other end of the couch. Mildred poured more champagne into their glasses. It was all very awkward.
Desiree spoke first. “You know, I think I have the perfect client for your next gig. Her name is Agatha. She’s a first timer at this, which is perfect. If anything goes wrong, chances are she won’t know. And I’ll wait in the car outside her townhouse in case you need any help or advice.”
“Really? You’d do that for me?” Mildred asked
“Of course. I’ve got to. I’m responsible for you. It’s like the buddy-system.”
“Like how Velvet Thrust and Fessa have each other’s back although it seemed like before the hair thing they hated each other?” Mildred asked.
“They did hate each other. Now they don’t. I don’t understand it, but lesbians are weird that way. But it’s good to have a buddy in this business. So, I’ll be your official buddy.”
Mildred was both thrilled and depressed about being Desiree’s buddy. It was as if her body parts were at war with each other. Her brain was thrilled. It was saying if she can’t be your lover then she can be your buddy. It was better than nothing. But Mildred’s heart was breaking. Her heart was saying that she wanted to be Desiree’s lover and not her buddy. It was all very confusing even without the champagne.
Mildred’s brain finally won out. For tonight anyway. She smiled and said, “You’re so good to me, Desiree. And I’m so grateful for your help that I could just squeeze and kiss you all over.” She quickly clasped her hand over her mouth. “I didn’t mean Kiss you kiss you. I meant just kiss you.”
Desiree laughed. “I know, you meant it figuratively, not literally.”
“Right,” Mildred said, knowing deep down that she had meant it literally. “So, if you’re my buddy, and Velvet Thrust is Fessa’s buddy, then who is Candy Sweet’s buddy?”
“Can you keep a secret?”
Mildred nodded.
“Candy Sweet has a girlfriend and it’s serious.”
“Really?” Mildred said, her eyes big.
“And to make matters worse, it’s a client. I think they’re going to go to Oklahoma to get married.”
“Wow.”
“Honey Belle will be furious that she’s losing Candy Sweet. See, it’s a good thing you came along when you did. You’ll be her replacement. That will help to soften the blow.”
“So you can’t have girlfriends if you’re a gigolo girl?”
“It’s not that you can’t,” Desiree said, “But what woman will have you if you’re out all night having sex with other women?”
“Is that why you don’t have a girlfriend?” Mildred finished the rest of her champagne in one last gulp.
“I don’t have a girl friend because...” She paused and looked away. “It’s just that… I haven’t fallen in love.”
“Could you ever love…” Mildred’s brain put on the brakes and stopped her mouth from finishing her sentence. She was going to ask if Desiree could ever love her. But that was just the champagne talking. “Never mind, it’s none of my business.”
Desiree put an end to the conversation by yawning and stretching. “We need sleep.”
Mildred yawned, too, even though the last thing on her mind was sleep.
Off they went in their matching silk pajamas to their different beds. Just another day in the life of a gigolo girl, Mildred thought as she laid her head down on the pillow.
Mildred Gets Ready
“I’m scared,” Mildred said, standing inside Desiree’s walk-in closet. “After what happened last time. What if I goof up again?”
“The Lucy Tabor thing worked out great, didn’t it? She spread the word that you have some kind of org
asm superpowers. There’s no reason to be scared.”
“Yes, but she was a regular client. You said yourself that newbies like this woman can have issues that need to be addressed. I’m not very good at issues.”
“Agatha is harmless. As long as you’re prepared for signs of unusual behavior.”
“Prepared?” Mildred asked, her eyes growing as big as twin moons. “Like what kind of unusual behavior?”
“Such as not being able to get her clothes off because she’s shy about her body. Or wanting to have all the lights off. Well, you already dealt with that one so there’ll be no surprises on that front. Or not being able to achieve orgasm. Sometimes they’re even a no-show if they get too anxious about doing it with a stranger,” Desiree said. “Here try this on.” She handed Mildred a pair of tan Capri pants and a white silk blouse.
“So, the woman, I mean, Agatha, might not even show up?” Mildred asked. She mentally kicked herself. She had to start remembering names better. Desiree said you had to personalize the service. That it wasn’t just about sex, it was about creating a relationship with the client so you’d get a return visit. Lesbians found it difficult to wrap their minds around anonymous sex. They wanted a long-term relationship even if it was just as sex buddies.
Mildred made a yucky face when she saw the outfit Desiree held up. “Isn’t that a little soccer mom-ish?”
“The plainer the better.”
“I thought I was supposed to wear a slutty red sequin dress with most of my boobs showing, thigh-high boots, and when I sit down my panties show? I mean the robe and heels worked for Lucy Tabor. But then, she couldn’t see me either.”
Desiree laughed. “You’ve watched Pretty Woman too many times. Looking too sexy might scare her off.”
“But aren’t I her whore for the night?” Mildred asked, undressing.
Desiree shot her a disapproving look at the mention of the word “whore.”
“I meant gigolo? Aren’t I her gigolo for the night?” Mildred rephrased. She was wearing only her white midi panties and a plain push up bra. She caught Desiree sneaking a peek, or she thought she did. She might have been reading more into that peek than was there. After all, why would Desiree want her when she could have anyone?”
“Yes, and no. You are hers for the night but in a harmless suburban kind of way,” Desiree explained. “At first, women like to make-believe that they’re not paying you. They like to think you’re there for them—not for the paycheck.”
Mildred finished dressing. “Oh, I see, I guess.” Mildred didn’t see at all. But this was one of those things where she would have to trust Desiree.
“Now for shoes,” Desiree said. Mildred bent over in the closet. She caught Desiree sneaking a peek at her butt.
“You look good in Capri pants. We’ll have to remember that,” Desiree said.
“Oh? Why?”
“Because I think after tonight you’re going to be very popular. And this could be your signature look. Forget the farmer’s daughter look. It’s old and trite. This suits you better. In fact, if we need a role play for you we’ll use the Avon lady or Pampered Chef scenario.”
Mildred pulled a pair of low-heeled sandals out of the closet. “Does that mean I won’t get to dress up all trashy and wear ‘come fuck-me’ pumps ever again? I was so looking forward to it,” Mildred said, looking pouty.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get to dress up all high-class trashy one of these times. Okay?”
“Promise?”
“Promise. Now put on the boring shoes,” Desiree said.
“See, even you think they’re boring,” Mildred said. She sat on the edge of the bed and slipped on the sandals.
Desiree sighed. “Somebody has to take care of all these lesbians who never have sex. Remember what I told you?”
Mildred felt guilty. “I know, I know, I’m performing a public service for our country.”
“That’s right,” Desiree said. “Now repeat the mantra with me…”
Mildred sighed. She chanted along with Desiree in a bored tone, “A horny lesbian is a cranky lesbian. A cranky lesbian is a mean lesbian. And there’s nothing more dangerous than a mean lesbian. I swear to God and my country that I will do everything within my power to rid the world of mean lesbians.”
Agatha Apple
Desiree and Mildred sat in Desiree’s Jaguar outside Agatha Apple’s condo in downtown Bon Chance. Mildred was nervous and fidgety. She looked like she was waiting for somebody to call out, “Dead man walking!” She cupped her hand over her mouth, blew into it and smelled her breath. She was minty and fresh.
Desiree snapped off the radio and said, “Okay, it’s time. She lives in 2A. When you get out of the elevator on the second floor take the first left. The door will be right there. Knock twice, wait two seconds and knock twice again—that’s the signal. It was listed under special notes on her application.”
“Why do we need a signal?” Mildred asked. She leaned forward in the seat and stared up at the condo building. This was her big moment. This was what going to the gym was all about. Hours of sweat to make her butt so tight you could bounce a quarter off it—not to mention all the cardio training so her heart would not have an attack during an extended orgasm. Then there were the hours of learning to dress to fit the part, being an extortionist for the common good, and having a new sexy hairdo. Her maiden voyage into Gigolo Land lay right in front of her and she was scared shitless. She didn’t count the taser episode as a real first time because she didn’t think that electrocuting somebody’s pussy qualified as a real sex act.
Mildred nervously bit her bottom lip. She was going to have sex with a perfect stranger! And by perfect stranger she didn’t mean the stranger was perfect. Agatha had issues. Mildred asked again, “What’s up with the signal knocking? Isn’t that kind of…strange?”
“I don’t know. Agatha is kind of freaky, I guess.”
“Freaky how?” Mildred asked, her heart hiccupping.
“As in secretive. She doesn’t want to open the door expecting you and finding the Avon lady and then be all flustered. She flusters easily. That was on her application as well. So, do the special knocks. After that, follow her lead and everything will work out fine.”
“What if I have a problem that I don’t know how to handle? Or I have to tinkle? Or I’m allergic to her ferret? Or I have a sudden dizzy spell?”
“She doesn’t have a ferret. She didn’t list any pets on the application.”
“I’m just sayin’…”
Desiree asked, “Are you prone to sudden dizzy spells?”
Mildred shook her head. “But there’s always a first time.”
“You know what I think? I think you’re nervous. That’s all this is… nerves. You did fine with Lucy Tabor excepting the taser and the shoe and the fact that the whole episode took less than thirty minutes…” Desiree shut up. She seemed to sense she wasn’t making things any better.
Mildred inhaled deeply. “What if something happens and I don’t know what to do?”
“I’ll be right out here. Excuse yourself a minute and come out here.”
“What will I use for an excuse?”
Desiree pondered before answering. “Tell her you forgot something in the car.”
“Well, okay. I guess that’ll work. How does my hair look?” Mildred flipped down the visor and peered into the mirror. She could only see parts of her hair. Desiree had given her what she called a messy chignon. Though why anybody would intentionally mess up their hair was beyond her. She thought you normally combed your hair to make it look tidy.
“And remember you are not Mildred. You are Milly Jean. Think of yourself as your persona.”
“My what?”
“Like you’re an actress playing the part of a high-class gigolo girl.”
Mildred said, “You know what I can do? I can pretend I’m Catherine Deneuve in the movie Belle du Jour.”
“Whatever floats your boat. You can be Mrs. Robinson from
The Graduate if that helps.”
“Oooh! I love that movie! How tall do you think Dustin Hoffman really is?”
“Don’t get off track. Back to Agatha.”
“Oh, okay…”
“Be prepared to have some small talk and maybe a drink or two with her. This is her first time too, you know. She’s probably more nervous than you are.”
“Am I supposed to drink on the job?”
“If she offers, don’t turn it down. That would set an icy tone for the start of the evening.”
“Why?”
“No one likes to drink alone.”
“Okie dokie. Let’s see if I remember it all… I go up to 2A, knock twice, pause, knock twice. She answers the door. I tell her she’s pretty. She offers a drink. I take it. I sip it. I undress her. I undress myself. I rub my nipples on her belly. I spread her thighs and…”
“Okay, you got it,” Desiree said quickly. “Now, go get ‘em, tiger.”
Mildred smiled uncertainly. She opened the door and slowly got out. She leaned back in. “Are you sure I look all right?”
“Milly Jean, you look good enough to eat.”
“Well, that’s the point, right?” Mildred chuckled nervously.
Desiree winked and gave her a thumbs-up. Mildred shut the car door, straightened her shoulders and crossed the street.
The Problem With Agatha
Mildred knocked twice, waited, knocked twice again. The door opened a crack and a large eyeball peered out.
“Are you Milly? Milly Jean with two Ls?” the large eyeball asked in a whispery voice.
“Yes, ma’am,” Mildred said, somewhat taken aback by the largeness of the eye. The eye looked like it belonged to the Captain of the duo Captain and Tenille. Her friend Greta had been a big fan of the song Muskrat Love. Mildred thought a song about muskrats falling in love was strange and rather disturbing. Then again, she thought Donald Duck only wearing a sailor shirt and no pants was in poor taste, so what did she know?
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