by Liz K. Lorde
The knocks come again and send more jolts through me, and honestly they’re beginning to piss me off, since now they’re stirring Viv awake.
“What’s going on?” She groans half asleep.
“Nothing, lass, you just stay right there and think happy thoughts. I’ll give ‘em the boot.” I put on my black underwear and rub my hand over my face, trying to chase the remaining sleep away before heading off to the front door of the apartment. Just after I undo the locks, I take a look through the peep hole and curse beneath my breath.
She does not need to be here. Matthew and Richard must have had to stand down because of the muscle.
Still, I open the door to the sight of Helena and her three suited cronies, along with a smarmy looking lawyer type whose glasses are just a bit too big for his face. They’re Made Men from the Brenaise criminal empire. Just looking at them makes my gut twist with the need to make them hurt for what they put Viv and Morgana through; but after what Leo said, and knowing that taking lives isn’t what hurts the higher-ups, I manage to still that anger.
Helena steps to me, “Don’t make this hard for me, Connifer.”
I put my hands on either side of the door frame, and lean my face in closer to her, “Or what? You’ll have”—I scan between the three quiet Brenaise men—“these goons come at me?” A huff escapes my nose, “right. I could put the three of you down with one arm and fingerfuck the girls you think adore you before the night’s done. Won’t even remember you thugs, I promise you that.”
The man in the middle of the three brandishes the pistol hidden beneath the jacket of his suit, “Let’s keep this clean for the lady’s sake.”
“God dammit,” Helena says, shaking her head, “I just want my kid back. I’m out, Connifer. I’m clean.”
“Bullshit,” I call, gripping the frames of the door harder. “I had a bad night last night.” I glare at the middle Made Man, and then bring my gaze back to Helena. “So if you’d kindly fuck off and give me a day of peace, I’d really appreciate it. If you want your kid back, prove it—“
“I have the papers to prove it. I’m clean, and I want her back. Look, I’m glad that you helped—“
“I saved her, Hel. If you want her back… I’ll give her to you. But I want proof. Keep yourself clean for sixty days, we’re family, but we’ve got to do what’s right for her.”
That smarmy looking lawyer adjusts his glasses and moves closer to me, and I know that he’s going to say something, so I jut myself forward suddenly – making him flinch back. “A-actually,” he starts.
I feel a hand on my back suddenly, and I look over my shoulder to see Vivian’s worried eyes.
“What’s going on?” Vivian asks.
My first reply in my head is that I want to say nothing, go back to sleep. “These bastards want to take my little girl.”
The Lawyer continues, “Miss Forsycthe is well within her rights to uhm, procure her daughter mister Morgenstern.”
Helena gives me that smug smirk, “It’s time to quit acting tough, don’t make my help do this.” As if she forgot something she adds, “please.”
It’s too much. I can’t do this. I can’t just let her go like this. Her and Vivian are the closest things I’ve ever had in my life to a family, and I’m supposed to be the one that cares for them – aren’t I? Vivian tugs at my waist, and after a stubborn moment I go with her pulling, and move away from the front door to turn to her. I plead with her silently, secretly begging that she’ll have any answer except the one that I don’t want to listen to. “What do I do, Viv…”
“You have to let her go, Con,” she says it with such heartbreak in her voice that I feel a knife rip through my chest. “Look, I have a friend – my roommate actually – and, if it’s meant to be… we can get her back. You did your part and you did it better than anyone could have asked for… but you’ve got to swallow your pride for now. We’ll figure this out.”
Shaking my head, I still just don’t want to accept it, but I know that she’s right. “They’re both my family, but I just can’t trust her right now. The little lass needs someone that gives a shit.”
“And right now that can’t be you,” Viv holds my waist tighter, “if you’re right, the second she screws up we’ll do something about it. You’re going to be a great father one day, regardless.”
“I don’t want to wait for a mistake I know that’s coming,” I whisper, and behind me Helena and her lawyer step inside my home. It feels like a perversion of the safety my home’s supposed to bring, similar to what happened last night. “But… you’re right, Viv.” Saying those words takes all the strength from me, and I pull her in close to me so that I can hug her: So that I can be held by her.
When Helena and the Lawyer come back around with Morgana snuggly tucked away in her blanket, she’s fussing a bit but she seems happy to see her mom. She comes over to me with the baby, and I stand next to Vivian, keeping my one arm hooked around her delicate waist. “Thanks again,” Helena says, rocking the baby a bit, “you always were a good man, Connifer.”
I get a last look at the baby, and instead of telling Helena to just hurry the fuck up and leave, I opt to say nothing.
Just silently get that final look at one of the lights in my life.
CHAPTER 23
CONNIFER
ONE WEEK LATER
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SURPRISED when they wake up in the morning and find their shit’s been taken after a quick break in through the window; but that’s what happens when you don’t have some kind of security system. Wasn’t surprised that Helena couldn’t afford one in the dilapidated house she’s renting out. Creeping around the place in the dead of night, I push in the button on my micro flashlight. The kind that gets issued to the police.
Just looking at all the various junk scattered around the living room is pissing me off. Dirty laundry all over the place, cockroaches skittering across the floor, unwashed plates of food hanging around on the torn up couch, cigarette butts making small piles below the coffee table where Helena got too lazy to leave them in the ash tray.
I stalk through the place quiet as the night, dressed in my dark grey Henley and black military cargo pants. My black boots touch the carpet as I move to what I presume to be Helena’s bedroom. Opening the door quietly, I shine my light just at the foot of the mattress that’s laying on the floor, spotting a sleeping Helena wrapped up in a series of nasty cigarette stained blankets.
I scan the flashlight around the room looking for Morgana, and I find her wrapped in that same blanket that I bought for her, just sitting there on the floor beside her mother. Christ she doesn’t even have a crib for her, I’m amazed the poor thing’s managed to fall into slumber.
Taking a step forward, I feel something crunch beneath my boot, and I lift up my foot to shine the light down there.
Used syringe.
Heat rises up from my feet and straight to my head. That just confirms all my worst fears. Digging through the pocket of my pants, I pull out the cocktail of tranqs that I’d prepared before coming out tonight, a small syringe filled with clear liquid. I sneak to the side opposite of where Morgana’s sleeping on the floor, positioning right next to the no doubt spaced out on heroin Helena.
Family’s family, and I won’t stand idly by while she gets her daughter killed from all this fucking drugged out negligence.
I take the filled syringe in my hand and push the needle into Helena’s arm, injecting her with my own personal mixture of tranquilizers.
Her eyes pop open and she gasps, “What the fuck”—
“Don’t talk,” I command. “I don’t care if I have to find a home for the girl, Helena, but she’s not staying here. Not with you.”
She looks like she wants to say something while she weakly pushes at me with her small hands; she’s realizing of course how quickly this is hitting her whole system. “You’re a killer,” she says, “and a criminal.”
“I’m a son first, and a father second. You lost your chanc
e,” I growl, picking myself up to my feet and stepping over to Morgana. Picking the little babe up and cradling her against me, she stirs with some surprise, so I make sure to whisper sweet assurances. Then I bring my gaze back to Helena, “don’t think about using your little connection to hurt me,” I tell her and move towards the ajar bedroom door, “I’ve got something that I care about. Don’t think I won’t use everything that I have to destroy either of you.”
CHAPTER 24
VIVIAN
ONE MONTH LATER
I DECIDED TO PLAY NAVIGATOR and let Connifer drive us in his dodge charger to Dad’s place in Pointe Place, Wisconsin. It was a long trip but we made the road our private adventure all along the way; stopping and checking out clubs, movies, meeting some of his distant friends both in and outside of his line of work, playing pool, or rather, sucking ass at pool. Shooting darts, and stopping him from getting into fights we both know that he could win. Our getaway adventure.
“This the place?” Connifer asks as we pull up to my home. My home where the memories still linger in my head and my heart.
“Yeah, this is it.”
“Consider yourself lucky. Sure beats the slums I crawled out of.”
I smile at him and playfully punch his shoulder, “It’s not a contest.”
“But if it was…”
“Still not a contest.”
Connifer sets the car into park and kills the engine, giving me a sly grin that communicates succinctly: Still a better home than I’d ever had. “So,” he begins, turning his head to face me, “do you think he’ll just be really happy to see you and kind of let it slide that I’m sleeping with you?” His brows raise up, “or is he going to kick me out of his place in the most reckless fashion possible?”
I shrug, “Dad’s a complicated man. I think most fathers are.”
“Pedestals are bad for a reason, Viv.”
“Say one more word and I’ll push you off of one.”
Connifer chuckles, undoes his belt, and opens his car door, “If that’s how I go out my good name as Fixer around Chaos won’t last past my funeral.”
I mirror his movements, getting out of the car, “The only thing good about your name is…”
“Everything? Viv I don’t choose to melt panties”—
“Alright you’re sticking to one word responses around Dad,” I tell him before we start up the snaking concrete path. Halfway to the door and Connifer takes my hand in his, holding me with tender affection, and a finger of warmth presses against my heart – filling me with a sense of peace and calm, one that makes me feel like this will all work out in time.
When we get to the front door, I knock on it loudly, and after a few moments pass, Connifer and I look at one another. Maybe he’s sleeping or something. I hope that he’s not drinking. When Connifer pounds on the door a few times, my heart jumps in my chest. An anxious excitement fills my body like a well.
That’s when the door opens, and I see my Dad’s face again, and all that anxiety turns effortlessly to joy.
“Vivian,” Dad gasps, and for the first time in as long as I can remember I’m seeing tears well up in his eyes.
What hits me harder is that I feel that familiar sting just behind mine. “Dad.”
For a moment I see his whole carefully constructed wall of emotions come crashing down, and he sobs for a second, and we both come together wrapping our arms around each other. He holds me so tight that I feel like he’s going to crush me. I sink my head into his chest and squeeze him with everything that I have; hoping that I can push all my regret and my missing him into that one hug, to make up for all the times that I never told him how much I loved him. How much I needed him in my life.
How he was both my father and my mother, even if I never fully understood that.
“I thought you were dead,” he says, “I thought you were gone.” His arms somehow squeeze me tighter, and he runs his hand against the back of my head, feeling my hair. “I couldn’t bare it, Viv,” he croaks, “I’m so sorry for what I did – I’m so sorry. Please.”—
“I know, I know,” I feel the tears trailing down my face and everything that isn’t us just vanishes into the wind. “I’m sorry too.”
“You don’t have to forgive me. Just. God, where did you go?” He sniffs hard and tries to compose himself, pulling his head back to glance over at Connifer, who has done a wonderful job at remaining silent; but he’s my rock. The anchor that keeps me from going off the rails. I’m happy that he came.
“I went to look for Mom.”
Dad looks at me dumbfounded, “You were looking for her all this time?”
“Mostly yes. I had a hell of a time getting there, but I drove to Chaos hoping to find her… those dreams that I used to tell you about? I never really stopped getting them.”
“I can’t believe you went all that way,” Dad clears his throat and wipes beneath his eyes with the back of his index finger, “I was so worried for you sweetheart.” He looks over to Con. “I’m sorry,” he starts, “ but whose the lumberjack?”
I hear Connifer chortle behind me, and I answer for him: “It’s a long story, but that’s Connifer, and he’s… he’s been great. He’s my friend—“
Dad’s eyebrows rise, “He’s your boyfriend.”
“What?” I was kind of hoping to ease into that one.
“Look I’m not the brightest man, you know that,” he says, “and I’ve made a lifetime of mistakes. But it’s like a sixth sense in our brains. Come on inside.”
So we all move to the living room and gather around the couch, Dad taking his place on the brown leather recliner.
“So…” Connifer begins, “I feel like I should shake your hand or something.”
“Dad doesn’t really do handshakes, or hugs for that matter.”
Nodding his head, Dad agrees with me, “What you just saw,with me breaking down? That stays between us.”
Connifer smiles, “I’m used to keeping secrets.”
Dad’s eyes narrow at Connifer.
“He means from anyone but me,” I add, jokingly elbowing Connifer. “Anyway, I spent a long time struggling to make it in Chaos, Dad. And I realized a lot of things… I kept taking things out on everyone but myself, and I was sick of not finding my place in the world.” My throat tightens with what I want to tell him next, “I remembered something from those nightmares, from those dreams.”
My Dad’s face goes cold, “I tried to protect you from it, Viv.”
“I know,” I swallow hard, “I’m sure you had your reasons. But I spent a long time thinking about it, and I just wanted to tell you that I’m so happy that you were there for me. That you were my both my mom and my dad. And if it’s okay with you, I’d love to stay around for a little while and make up for all the time that we missed.”
For the first time in forever I see my Dad grin from ear to ear, “You don’t even have to ask. You know… I loved your mother, but she was sick sweetheart.” That grin quickly fades, “and she did love you. I know that she did. I don’t know what ever happened to her, but I’ll always be thankful that I met her because she gave me you.”
Connifer slides his hand over to mine and grips me firmly, “I’m thankful too,” he whispers in my ear.
We talk for what seems like hours, and I fill Dad in on all the points of my adventures in the streets of Chaos. But there’s still one more thing that I want to do before I settle in for my reunion, so I excuse myself and instruct Con and Dad to play nice while I’m gone
HOPPING OUT OF THE CAR I walk up the concrete path to Belle’s house, and I’m flooded with butterflies of memory at the days that I used to spend here when I was still in grade school. There’s still the tire hanging off of the apple tree in the front yard, and it’s like I’m back to when we were having such simple fun. How we used to stay up later than we should have, and how her mother miss Seawater would come in half a dozen times at night telling us to go back to sleep. Even now I can hear that music that I couldn’t stand All
The Light by Cameron Silvers. The song that she’d make me listen to every chance that she could.
I think that I let too many feelings of jealousy get in the way of our friendship. And I know now how badly I screwed up letting our friendship slip away; the thought that she had such a wonderful family, that she had a mother who loved her and cared for her and could still talk to her. It ate me up inside. I should have let go of those bad feelings, and I should have just appreciated the fact that her parents were nothing but kind to me. That Belle was the only thing I really had for a long time to keep me sane.
Stepping up to the fancy wooden door of her home, I ring the doorbell.
The door opens and Belle comes into my view, her golden tresses pouring around her shoulders. She’s wearing a pretty, light green sun dress.
“Vivian?” She says, “oh my god where have you been!” She smiles and throws her arms around me like nothing’s wrong with the way that I left things. “Your paw’s been so worried about you!”
I sling my arms around her and I can’t help but laugh from her warmth and worry. “I know, I just spoke with him and we hashed things out.”
She lets go of me and stands there as beautiful as I remember. “Just where were you? What even happened?”
“It’s a long story. But I’ll tell you all about it if you don’t still hate me for how I’ve treated you. And I don’t mean just for the way I snapped at you… I mean for disconnecting… for treating you like a stranger. I’m really sorry that I was always such a shitty, shitty friend to you.”
Belle gives me a crooked smirk and shakes her head, “You’ve never not been welcome here, Viv. And for what it’s worth. I missed you. I forgive you okay? Now come inside Mom’s gonna be happy to have you over for once.”
CHAPTER 25
VIVIAN
ONE YEAR LATER
