At the time of his death, she was pregnant, and carrying a child that Brian would never get the chance to know.
The death of Brian saddened us all. When Steve came home, he looked out a gold chain that he had received from him during their days as The Hollywood Blonds, and vowed he would never remove it from his neck.
Steve bottled up his feelings but I could tell he was in shock. He wanted to be alone, and journeyed into the woods.
It was hunting season.
His world had changed, and he wanted to focus his anger on a target that had become within reach.
18 LOSING IDENTITY
In the latter months of 1997, Steve set his sights on the top position in the World Wrestling Federation. The bitter departure of Bret Hart had created a void at the top of the promotion, and capitalising on the dearth of upper-tier talent, Steve had accelerated his return to full-time competition in the hopes of becoming the WWF’s number one star.
As he returned to work, I felt increasingly isolated, and I was not fitting in as an accepted part of the Boerne community. However, a call from Steve gave me the shot in the arm that I needed.
Vince had scheduled Steve to face Shawn Michaels for the title at WrestleMania XIV, and the company had pulled a major publicity stunt by recruiting the infamous former boxing champion Mike Tyson as the special guest enforcer for the match. The event was scheduled for 29th March at the FleetCenter in Boston, Massachusetts, and Steve wanted to have me accompany him to the event.
With the boredom at the hacienda, I was relieved to get out for a few days. I treated the weekend as a little holiday, and felt like I had been let out of a cage.
Once I arrived, I was determined to have a good time, and spent a lot of time being silly with Steve and laughing. It was such a happy time, and everyone was so kind to us. I also got to see so many families of the WWF’s talent roster.
We saw Jim Ross and his lovely wife Jan, who invited Steve and I to visit their home. I first met Jim when he worked as an announcer for WCW during my tenure there, but he was now working for Vince as his lead play-by-play commentator. I also got the chance to meet The Rock’s wife Dany, who was such an elegant lady. We instantly clicked, so we sat and watched the show together. I was also thrilled to see Terri and Dustin once again, as well as Marc and Rena Mero, who were all working on the event.
I was pleased to bump into Shawn Michaels, who had been so outgoing and sweet during the previous year’s show. This time, I was surprised at his demeanour. Something was off with him and he acted very distant. He was not his usual self and he never spoke to us during catering.
Two months prior, Shawn had sustained a serious back injury in a match with The Undertaker, but there had been rumours that he was resentful at the prospect of Steve overtaking his position at the top of the card.
At 7.00pm the show started, and it was a night I will never forget.
In the main event, Steve and Shawn finally squared off, with the added intrigue of Mike Tyson at ringside. Despite both wrestlers having nagging injuries, they put on a spectacle that deserved its status as the headline match on the company’s biggest show.
After years of hard work, and repeated career setbacks, Steve had finally realised his dream after pinning Shawn for the three-count. He was the WWF World Heavyweight Champion, and had reached the pinnacle of his profession.
I remember waiting for him as he walked back through the curtain to lead to the locker room. He gave me the belt, and asked me to keep a hold of it for the rest of the evening. It was a very special moment for me, as I knew how much the title meant to Steve. By giving me the championship, he was letting me know how much I had meant to his career. It was such a kind gesture; he never forgot that I helped support him when he was struggling in his rookie year and had been at his side through all his battles to reach the top. I proudly carried that title, as we began to leave the arena.
Some of the boys ribbed Steve about dropping the belt to his wife as soon as he won it, but we were quickly ushered to a huge press conference which immediately followed the show. I remember sitting in the back area, waiting with Mike Tyson, before being called over to sit next to Linda McMahon. She could sense I was a bit cold, and put her jacket around me, rubbing my arms to give me warmth. Linda had a motherly kindness, and was such a comforting presence amidst this huge media frenzy.
All of the publicity paid dividends. The show was a massive success and, for the first time in over a year, the WWF had taken a lead in its ongoing ratings war with WCW. Within the company, there was a renewed confidence, and Steve was determined to lead the promotions resurgence and take it to unforeseen heights. The momentum was infectious, and it was such a thrill to be around the company that week.
But just as I was feeling the rush of excitement of the WrestleMania hype, there was a huge downer that I had to swallow. It was time to leave Steve on the road, and return to Boerne.
As soon as I got back, I felt caged again.
I continued to secretively pop some pills to mask the misery I was feeling at home, and had wangled a few prescriptions from various doctors. I was mixing Xanax with Vicodin and Somas, and moderately using GHB on top of that. It was a means to fill the void when Steve was away.
Wanting to distance the children from Ricky and Sandra, I virtually had no adult company in Boerne apart from Steve, the only exception being our babysitter Mary.
I really looked forward to Steve’s return, as his schedule had worsened since he became the figurehead of the company. By the summer of 1998, Steve was performing in front of record-breaking crowds each night and was earning the astronomical money reserved for top sportsmen, but it didn’t mean anything as we couldn’t enjoy it together. I didn’t care about our financial wellbeing; I was looking for his emotional support, as my life had started to degenerate without him.
Unfortunately, when he came back, he was smothered instantly by Ricky and Sandra who vied for his time. I became so jealous, as I felt there was now a third party in my marriage to Steve. More often than not, it seemed that he would rather spend time with them than his family.
Hoping to secure some much-needed private family time, I started to arrange a special birthday party for Stephanie, who was just away to turn six years old. I invited Mary and her children, who had become really good friends to my girls, and it had worked out that Steve would be home in time to share the celebration. Once Ricky and Sandra heard there was going to be a party, they asked if they could host it at their house, as they had a pool.
When Mary arrived with her children, there was an issue which simply disgusted me.
Ricky and Sandra did not want Mary’s children to use their pool. In their bigoted minds, her kids were not Caucasian and, therefore, dirty. The pair went on to brag that they would sometimes pay a Mexican a paltry twenty dollars for a day’s labour, to dig holes and fill them back up again, all in the scorching Texas heat and just for their sick amusement. Their comments were ignorant, and moreover, cruel.
I was appalled and could not tolerate their views any longer.
Although I was annoyed that Steve seemed to be spending so much time with Ricky and Sandra, it was only bearable because I didn’t have to see them when he returned to the road. Steve’s status as the top star of the WWF was providing him with even more opportunities beyond wrestling.
First off, a record label contacted Steve, and he was asked if he could be the face of a couple of compilation albums, each one containing his favourite songs within the genres of metal and country music. On top of that, he was getting offers from Hollywood, as requests for acting gigs were coming thick and fast to the house.
On one occasion, I received a really nice call from the television actor Don Johnson. He was the star of a hit police drama called Nash Bridges, and wanted Steve to do a few appearances on the show. I was thrilled for Steve, and became even more excited when Don asked if I wanted to fly to San Francisco and visit the set of the show.
I let Steve know abou
t this new opportunity, and he immediately called Don to accept the recurring guest role.
Unfortunately, Steve refused to let me attend the production and it broke my heart. Only a few months prior, we had such a great time in Boston, but I felt that he had slowly become ashamed of me. Steve had always found it difficult to share his feelings during our relationship, so I could only speculate on what had not been said.
Feeling unwanted, I questioned every aspect of myself. After birthing Steve’s daughters, my appearance had changed, and I pondered on whether my love was enough to sustain his interest in a life punctuated by gruelling tours.
Steve’s life had become so hectic, and I started to feel like he was losing interest in me. Over the summer and into the autumn, the sparkle he used to have in his eyes whenever he saw me slowly faded. But I couldn’t blame him. My depression and clandestine dependences had drained me to the point that I was not the girl he fell in love with, and I no longer had the same zeal for life as I once did.
With each passing day, I grew more worried that our marriage was heading for a bump in the road.
By October 1998, Steve’s celebrity status continued to soar and he had become one of the few stars in wrestling to truly cross over into the mainstream consciousness. His immense popularity had continued to garner attention with the mass media, and he was set to be featured in an extensive article by the fortnightly publication Rolling Stone for their special New Year’s double edition.
I knew how big this was for Steve, as the magazine usually reserved its focus on the elite names within the entertainment industry and popular culture. It was quite nerve-wracking as he was to be interviewed at the house, but I had taken a little bit of GHB to keep my anxiety under control.
Steve wanted to make a good impression with the reporter, so I went out to the shop to pick up some refreshments before he was scheduled to arrive. I got everything I needed and started the car.
My stresses were lifted, and I felt fully relaxed as I continued to drive home.
I don’t really know what happened after that, I just know what I felt.
With a massive thud, my head bounced off the windscreen, and the car screeched along the road before coming to a sudden halt. The sedate feeling had led me to fall asleep at the wheel.
When I got inside, I was shaken and told Steve and the interviewer, Chris Heath that I had careered off the road after hitting a pothole on the road leading to the house.
Concerned, Steve took me to the side and asked if I had been taking GHB. I admitted that I had, and he shook his head.
Chris and Steve went out to look at the car. The wheel had buckled and there was a huge trail of rubber skidding. They both looked in awe that I had not been seriously hurt, and I could sense a realisation in Steve.
The two went back into the house, and concluded the interview. Chris was really complimentary to us during the latter half of the interview, and said we looked really sweet together before leaving the hacienda.
With the interviewer gone, Steve looked into my eyes and told me there could be no more similar incidents. He gathered up all the GHB he could find around the house, and flushed it down the toilet.
Frustrated, he walked off to see Ricky and Sandra. He wanted some space to digest what had happened and to simply release some steam.
When Steve came back, I could tell he had been drinking. He was slightly lethargic and kept looking at me.
With his head tilted, he smiled at me, but there was emptiness in his eyes.
“I used to be so in love with you,” he slurred, before his eyes gently wandered to the floor.
Steve’s remark was the overdue acknowledgement of what I had already figured; he no longer saw me in the same way that he once did. Like a broken Yellow Rose in the Texas Sun, his love for me had withered. Rejected, I yearned for company and to feel liberated from the marital stresses which were causing such turmoil at the hacienda.
I called my mum and asked if she would come with me on a trip to Miami. I needed to clear my head and rediscover the passionate soul that I once was. I had lost my fervour and sense of being, and I needed to be with someone who I knew cared for me.
I needed to know what it was to feel alive again.
When I got to Miami, I felt a huge release. I wanted to experience all I could on my short trip. I hired a sporty red Corvette, and drove along the coast, past the lines of gorgeous mansions and by the sunny beach roads sprinkled by palm trees and crowds of smiling, happy people.
That night, my mum and I were going to have a ladies night and go for dinner at a beachside restaurant. For the first time as an adult, I was able to spend long-overdue alone time with my mum. I had a reason to get all dressed up, and exuded a confidence that had been bereft from me in a while.
During dinner, I noticed some gradual flirtation from one of the male waiters.
He complimented me, and could sense I had enjoyed his continued attention. He asked if I was busy later, and if I would join him for a drink after his shift ended. I knew that it was objectionable to meet him, but his eyes drew me towards him. I agreed.
With my mum returning to the hotel, I had the drink with this mysterious gentleman from Brazil. Between the sounds of the ocean and the gentle breeze of the beach air, we danced under the soft glow of the moonlight. It was such a romantic setting.
Hand in hand, we decided to walk down to the beach and talked for a while. He was so attentive, and listened with such a calming demeanour.
We ran out of words, and he kissed me.
I knew it was wrong, as I was married to Steve. But this young, exotic man gave me a feeling Steve had not given me in months.
I felt desirable again.
When I returned from Miami, I just wanted to be noticed by my husband. After performing in the main event for just over a year, Steve was already starting to show signs of burn out as he ran hard to raise the standard of a headlining WWF Superstar. Injuries, coupled with wear and tear from the road, were taking a heavy toll on his body.
When he would eventually return home, all he wanted to do was rest his battered frame, or focus on studying his matches in order to improve and stay relevant.
He would watch tapes of his bouts continuously, and then replay them over and over again in order to pick apart what worked to elicit a hot reaction from the crowd. A diligent student of the game, he would also analyse the output of other top talent, to ascertain what made them special in the eyes of others.
Steve was no longer the outgoing man I had known for years and he was fully engrossed in developing the persona of his ‘Stone Cold’ character.
I yearned for us to spend quality family time together, but each time I reached out to him, he would shrug it off, because he needed to capitalise on the opportunities he had been given. Bitterness stemming from years of unrecognised hard work during his time in Atlanta would never truly dissolve from his mind.
Fully focused on his career, Steve became increasingly reliant on me to take care of business at home while he did his best to work hard and excel as the top star of the World Wrestling Federation.
On a recommendation from Vince, we decided to restructure our finances and appoint a new accountant to deal with our income and tax returns. I even travelled to New York, and met one of the partners of the firm before agreeing to appoint them.
Upon returning to my room, I got a call from Sue Aitchison, one of the senior assistants to Vince McMahon. She let me know that he was hosting a dinner and asked if I would like to attend.
Thrilled, I looked forward to getting the chance to go to a restaurant in the glitzy city, and it was even arranged that I would be picked up by a limousine. Along with Vince and Linda were my friends Rena Mero, who performed under the name Sable, and Mark Calaway, who wrestled as The Undertaker.
I was really enjoying a social night in the big city, and it was nice to be around such friendly people. We laughed as some of the talent shared stories of their time in the wrestling industry.
>
Then my phone rang. It was Steve.
When he found out I was with the WWF crew, he was incensed. He was annoyed I was out without his knowledge and he called Vince. Steve was probably concerned that others would see my induced state and wanted to conceal my embarrassment.
My one night in the Big Apple was cut short. It was time to return to Boerne.
When I returned to the stark misery of the hacienda, I needed to find an escape. I reached for some more GHB to numb myself.
From the time I had started taking the tablets, I had slowly built a resistance to the drug. My dosage had increased by three times from the amount I was previously consuming.
But as the intake increased, my fatigue returned with a vengeance.
One afternoon, I was woken up to the sound of Steve shouting and clattering around the house. He was enraged and had tears in his eyes as he reached for his rifle.
In the heat, I had passed out with the drugs, and had forgotten to tend to his dog, Abby.
Due to a previous incident, Steve’s beloved pet had been kept away in a separated area from our children. She needed checked upon regularly from a mesh compound within our grounds that stopped her from running away.
Neglecting her, I had not realised that she had become ill.
When Steve went to check up on her, he was horrified.
Her tail had fallen off, and she was ridden with gangrene. He gently lifted her limp body and took it to the side.
Steve picked up gun as he put Abby out of her misery.
Knowing how much he loved his dog, I started crying. The GHB had overwhelmed me to the point I caused her to die, and it was something I could have prevented if I had been more alert.
I am still haunted by that day, and wish I could go back and save her. I had let Steve down, and wished I could erase the memory and start again.
A few weeks later, Steve came home from another hunting trip with Ricky and Sandra with an ultimatum. He was going to be clearing out a lot of the belongings that were kept in the barn, as he wanted to make way for a new beginning in Boerne. He told me that he was going to be torching everything that was left inside it, unless it was cleared.
Through The Shattered Glass Page 19
