by Pen Name
“Who’s that?” I asked as I got into the truck, amused by her boundless energy.
“It’s one of her friends from high school who moved out of state for college,” Nate replied. “I guess she must be in town to visit her parents or something.”
We watched the happy reunion for a minute. Or rather, I watched Maggie and Nate watched me. I could see him out of the corner of my eye stealing glances at me. I could tell from the appreciative look on his face that he liked what he saw. And for once, I was happy I wasn’t fading into the background. I liked the way Nate couldn’t take his eyes off me.
His affirmation meant a lot to me and as strange as it sounds, the best part was that he didn’t compliment me on my appearance. Some women might complain about that sort of thing, but to me, it was perfect. His silence meant he wasn’t trying to manipulate me with flattery or play with my emotions; he just genuinely thought I looked good.
I pretended not to notice Nate staring. Instead, I smiled to myself and let him look.
Chapter 07
As it turned out, Maggie wanted to catch up with her friend. They decided to have a sleepover at the friend’s house just like they had when they were kids. Although I was invited along, I politely declined. I didn’t want to intrude.
So that meant Nate and I drove back to the farm together, alone.
As he drove, I was acutely aware of his body and the sound of his breathing. My attention lingered on his long, masculine fingers as they lightly gripped the steering wheel. I smiled at the way he pressed his lips together when he was lost in thought. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been so acutely aware of another person’s existence before, but nothing Nate did was lost on me. I could have sat there studying him for days.
It was funny: there I was sneaking glances at him while he snuck glances at me. And then the inevitable happened. We looked at each other at the exact same instant and we both froze, caught in the act.
There was something so juvenile about the whole thing that I started giggling.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, now staring straight ahead at the road like he was flustered.
“Nothing,” I replied, feeling rather giddy.
There was something about being alone with Nate that lit me on fire. I mean, we were alone together at other times, like when he taught me how to do chores around the farm. But that was different. This time we were alone together with nothing to distract us. All we could do was talk...or not. Either way, I felt myself burning up inside.
What if he wasn’t trouble and I’d rushed to judgment, spooked by my past misfortune? What if he was just a simple, easygoing man like he claimed to be? Maybe he could be good for me. Maybe we could be good for each other. My instincts had proven to be untrustworthy in the past, so why use them as an excuse to keep my distance now? Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to write him off.
We drove home most of the way in silence. So Nate was a man of few words. I didn’t mind. It was just nice to be there sitting next to him. Though he’d intimidated me at first, I’d watched him interact with Maggie and Penny enough to know that he was gentle and kind beneath his gruff exterior. Being alone with him wasn’t scary anymore...and yet my heart was pounding.
“Did you get the part you needed for the tractor?” I finally asked, breaking the silence.
“I didn’t need a part,” he replied.
“But Maggie said...”
“I know what Maggie said; it’s what I told her. I knew how badly she wanted an excuse to go into town. So I gave her one,” he explained. “She had to grow up fast last year. She deserves to be able to act her age once in a while.”
His explanation pretty much made my heart melt. He acted like some indifferent, boorish badass but he really wasn’t. Maybe he had to be that way because he’d suddenly been thrust into the role of man of the house. It was up to him to act like he had everything under control and to reassure his sister that everything would be alright. That was a lot of responsibility for a young man to bear no matter how broad his shoulders were.
Underneath the overgrown hair and surly demeanor, Nate was such a good guy. Something made me think he was vulnerable beneath the tough guy exterior, too. Once again, I was overcome by the strange desire to look after him the way I wished someone had looked after me when I’d been at my lowest point.
“What about you?” I demanded.
Nate shot me a puzzled glance. “What?”
“You’re not that old either,” I pointed out. “But all you do is work...in all the time I’ve been at the farm I’ve never seen you do much of anything for fun. You don’t go out on the weekends or even have hobbies. You just work. When do you get the chance to act your age?”
He shrugged. “I don’t have much time for anything other than work right now. I’ve got a farm to run...bills to pay and food to put on the table. We have to be able to afford Maggie’s college tuition somehow. But I do have hobbies,” he added somewhat defensively.
“Like what?” I challenged.
“Fishing,” he replied immediately. “But I’m more interested in sitting out in the hot sun relaxing than catching anything, to tell you the truth. And,” he confessed somewhat reluctantly, “I used to be involved in a lot of rodeo events: barrel racing...bull riding...steer wrestling.... You name it, I probably did it. And I was pretty good, too – I won a lot of competitions.”
“Isn’t rodeo dangerous?”
“Not if you know what you’re doing,” he replied. “Sure, things can go wrong. But that’s life.”
“Isn’t it inhumane?” I blurted out, remembering something I’d heard an extremist, infamous animal welfare group say on television once. “I mean, no offence, but isn’t it like, animal cruelty?” It was hard to believe Nate would be involved with something like that after seeing how sweet he was with Penny.
“That’s largely a myth,” he explained. “I’m not saying there aren’t bad apples out there, but all the guys I competed with really respected the animals and took terrific care of them – I saw it myself firsthand. There are also laws and regulations in place to ensure animal welfare. If the sport was cruel, I wouldn’t have done it,” he assured me.
“Oh,” I said, relieved. “Well maybe now that I’m here you’ll have more free time to do the things you enjoy. You could go in the next competition if you want...I’ll make sure things around the farm get done and Maggie has time to study.”
“No.”
“But if rodeo is something you’re passionate about...”
Nate looked over at me then and his eyes were flashing. “It’s something I was passionate about,” he corrected me brusquely. “Past tense...I don’t feel that way about it anymore.”
“People don’t just stop loving things,” I pointed out, not following.
“Just let it go, Amanda, would you?” His tone was harsh, irritated. His jaw was clenched and he stared straight ahead once again, refusing to look at me. He was angry with me. In the blink of an eye, the mood in the truck had shifted and I hated the change.
“Fine,” I agreed, blinking back tears. We’d been having an ordinary conversation and then all of a sudden with no warning it was as though he’d slapped me across the face. I didn’t get it...but it hurt. Actually, it hurt more than a blow would have.
Nate’s tone was instantly apologetic. “Look, Amanda...”
“We’re here,” I announced, cutting him off as we pulled up to the farmhouse. I jumped out of the pickup before it had even stopped moving and ran inside, slamming the door behind me.
I wasn’t sure why I was so upset by Nate’s behavior. My first impulse was always to blame myself, but after replaying the conversation in my head a few times, I was fairly certain I hadn’t done anything wrong. Nate was the one with the attitude problem. Yet it bothered me a lot that he’d gotten irritated with me.
To try to cheer myself up, I tried on the new dress I’d bought in town. It was more fitted than anything I’d won in years – my ex-boyfriend would ha
ve told me I looked like a slut. But there was nothing cheap about my appearance. Sure, the dress hugged my body and actually made me look like I had some curves, but I looked classy...pretty, even.
I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d thought of myself as pretty.
A soft knock at my bedroom door a few minutes later startled me. I opened it to find Nate there. He towered over me, standing there in the doorway. He looked uncertain, as though he thought I might shout at him. Then, somewhat sheepishly he said, “I made pasta if you want some.”
“Oh...okay.” It was then that I realized it was past dinnertime and I hadn’t eaten. He gestured for me to go up the stairs ahead of him, making me think maybe he knew how to be a gentleman after all. It was unexpected, but nice.
In the kitchen, Nate dished me up a bowl of creamy vegetable rotini with white sauce. The meal looked and smelled delicious and my stomach rumbled in hunger. He handed me the bowl and then, as I walked over to the kitchen table, uncertainly said, “It’s a really nice night out. I thought maybe we could eat on the front porch?”
“Okay.”
I led the way and he trailed along behind me. I sat on one of the wooden rocking chairs and he set his pasta down on the chair next to it. Then, to my surprise, he sat down right in front of me on the porch itself, his long legs drawn to his chest as though to protect himself from...what, me? I looked down at him expectantly, waiting.
He cleared his throat. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that on the drive home,” he said quietly, his eyes searching mine as he looked up into them. “I’m sorry. It’s just...did Maggie tell you how our parents died?”
“Um, she said it was a car accident,” I replied leaning forward, my pasta all but forgotten.
“Yeah, but what she probably didn’t tell you was they were on their way to watch me compete,” he told me. “I was up there on the horse all ready to go and...and then one of the rodeo officials came over and stopped me. I could tell by the look on his face that something terrible had happened.” Nate lowered his head then, seemingly overcome by emotion. “It was foggy that day, and the roads were slick. They died on impact. There was nothing anyone could do.”
“Oh Nate...” I didn’t know what to say. Tentatively, I got down on the porch next to him and reached over, putting my arm around his shoulders. I felt so tiny next to him, dwarfed by his tall stature and bulging muscles. But he leaned his head on my bare shoulder then and I knew it didn’t matter if I couldn’t comfortably reach my arms the whole way around him – he just needed someone to sit with him, to listen. I could be that person.
“If it wasn’t for me, our parents wouldn’t have died,” he muttered, clearly hating himself. “They’d still be here doing the things they love. Maggie would be off at college right now having the time of her life. I wouldn’t be lying awake at night wondering if I’m doing enough to save the farm.”
“You can’t blame yourself,” I said gently, stroking his hair as his strong arms instinctively encircled my slender waist. “It was a car accident, Nate. Accident is the key word there. It’s nobody’s fault...it’s just one of those horrible things that happens for no reason.”
His grip around my waist tightened. I wondered how long it had been since he’d let anyone hold him, comfort him. I could practically imagine him in the days after his parents’ death, stoic and composed, an unwavering source of strength for his little sister. But who had held his hand through the ordeal?
“Thank you for listening,” he murmured.
“Of course,” I whispered. Then I asked, “Do you really think you’ll be forced to sell the farm?”
“I hope not, but we’ve had so many breakdowns and are so far behind.” He sighed. “It’s just been one stroke of bad luck after another. If we have a good crop this year we might be okay. But if not...well, I don’t know. Don’t say anything to Maggie,” he cautioned. “I don’t want her to worry any more than she already does.”
“I won’t,” I promised, leaning my head against his. “You don’t have to pay me, you know.”
Gavin’s body stiffened. “What?”
“Well you don’t,” I repeated. “I like being here. I’ll work for free.”
He looked at me then, a puzzled, intrigued expression on his face. “What are you even talking about? Are you secretly filthy rich or something?” he demanded, simultaneously amused and perplexed.
“No,” I said simply as I thought of my nearly-empty bank account. “I’m definitely not rich.”
“Good.”
It was my turn to be confused. “Good?” I repeated, not understanding. “How is that good?”
“I hate rich people, so I’m glad you’re not one of them,” he explained matter-of-factly. “Maggie says it’s irrational but I don’t care. I can’t help the way I feel. Some people hate heights or mice or broccoli. And I hate rich people.”
“I see,” I said, even though I didn’t really.
“Anyway, it’s sweet of you to offer to work without pay,” Nate said, giving me a small, affectionate squeeze. “And I’m glad you’re happy here with us – Maggie absolutely loves having you here and, well, I do too. But of course we’re going to keep paying you. It’s only right. Don’t underestimate your value.”
It felt good to be so physically close to him...it made me extra aware of my body and my femininity. And it wasn’t only our physical proximity that was making my heart palpate. Emotionally, I also felt extremely close to him.
I hadn’t let anyone that close to me in ages; at some point I’d simply shut down. In fact, until now I hadn’t been sure I was capable of opening up to anyone...but here I was. It was intimidating but it also felt good.
“I hate seeing you worry,” I said. I knew he was weighed down by anxiety about the past and the future. It was no wonder he had such a short fuse with everything he was trying to deal with. More than anything I wished I could help lighten his load. He had broad shoulders but even the strongest man has his breaking point.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured soothingly. His tone was so kind and loving that it was almost as though he was whispering to Penny, not wanting to frighten her away. But I was stronger than the white mare...or at least I thought I was. I didn’t need Nate to protect me the way he tried to shelter his sister. I only wanted him to let me in.
“But I mean it,” I insisted. “I’ll do anything I can, just tell me what you need. Please. Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked as we sat there huddled together in our protective imaginary cocoon where the world couldn’t get at us.
“You’re doing it right now,” he replied gratefully, making no move to get up.
Chapter 08
“You’re lucky to have me. No other man would want you.”
“Shut up, no one wants to hear what you think. Your mouth is only good for one thing, and it isn’t talking. Now get on your knees. Slut.”
“God, Amanda, you’re so stupid. You should be grateful I even stay with you. I don’t know why I do when I could have women ten times hotter than you who have actual tits instead of those ugly mosquito bites of yours. I guess I pity you because you’re so damn pathetic.”
“What did you say to me, bitch? I’m going to make you wish you’d never opened your stupid whore mouth. Get over here. Ha, are you trying to run away from me? You seriously think you can escape me? That’s so cute. Now stop that crying – I haven’t even given you anything to cry about yet!”
“I only did it because I love you. It was your fault, anyway. If it wasn’t for you provoking me then this never would have happened. Now wipe the blood off your face and get up. That looks like it’s going to leave a bruise. See what you made me do?”
I sat up with a start, the bedsprings creaking in protest beneath me. The four walls of the basement bedroom greeted me, steady and unwavering. I wasn’t back there in California, thank God. No, I was in Minnesota, safely tucked into bed at the Avery farm. I breathed a massive sigh of relief and waited for my heart rat
e to return to normal.
It didn’t matter that I was in a different state, far away from my ex-boyfriend. I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping anymore...not after a nightmare like that. I could practically feel him there on top of me and smell the alcohol on his breath as he grabbed me by the upper arms, squeezing so tightly that I nearly cried out.
If I closed my eyes, it was almost like he was shaking me again, throwing me back and forth like a limp little ragdoll until my skull hit the headboard of the bed with a sickening crack. I could feel the impact. I could smell the stench of beer on my ex’s breath. I could taste the blood as I bit down hard on my tongue, the world spinning out of control before I lost consciousness.
I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes shut a moment longer.
I could see the moonlight streaming in the basement window. I knew after the hot day we’d had, it would be a warm, sultry night. So I walked upstairs and went outside wearing only my white cotton nightgown, stopping only to slide my bare feet into the sneakers I’d left sitting on the front porch.
My nightgown billowed behind me in the light breeze as I made my way across the yard. It was dark, but the moon offered some guidance – and besides, I’d been at the farm long enough to know my way around by heart now.
There was no question about where I was going. Of course, I was on my way to visit Penny.
All I’d intended to do was creep over to the barn and watch her sleep. It would be soothing, reassuring. But when I got there, I saw that Penny wasn’t asleep. Her eyes were wide open and she looked me with interest as I slowly approached her, murmuring words of reassurance to her.
When she saw it was me, Penny seemed to relax. She’d come to trust me, allowing me to take liberties that absolutely stunned Nate and Maggie. They said I’d worked a miracle on the skittish white mare and were completely in awe of the bond that had developed. Maggie had told me once that just like their mother, I had the magic in me. Nate hadn’t disagreed.
