by Tia Louise
“So we won’t say it. Let’s make a plan.”
Her head shook out a no. “You’ve got your job, I’ve got my job. The school year’s just starting… We’re almost a day apart in distance. It’s only a matter of time before—”
“Before nothing. We can make it work.”
Her green eyes met mine then. “How?”
My eyebrows rose. “Do we have to know right this second?”
Taking my hand, she pulled it onto her lap. Then she ran her fingertip along the tattoo that no longer said Stacy. “These last few days have been amazing. You’re gorgeous and funny and sexy…” She took a deep breath and met my eyes then. “And I can’t do long-distance, Patrick. I just can’t. It’s too hard, and it always ends badly.”
The ache in my stomach was growing stronger. I hadn’t expected her to be like this. Not after last night. “You’re so certain.”
“Can’t we just keep what we shared these last few days as a beautiful memory? Instead of trying to hold on and ruining it all?”
I was feeling pretty ruined already. “Why are you doing this?”
“Please, Patrick,” her voice was a whisper now. “Don’t make this harder than it is.”
Fuck that. “Is this hard for you? Because you’re making it look pretty damn easy.”
She stood fast and grabbed her bag, but I was right with her, catching her arm.
“Wait.” Yes, I was pissed. I couldn’t believe she was doing this. I didn’t understand why she was doing it after all we’d shared. But I didn’t want those to be my last words. I didn’t want to have any last words, but fuck if we left it that way.
She wouldn’t look at me as I took her phone from her hand, typing in my number. It was a shot in the dark, and I was taking it. Quickly, I hit save and handed it back to her, my voice gentler.
“That’s my number. For when you change your mind. Call me, and I’ll be there.”
For a moment she only held the device. Then without a word or even a look back she turned and pushed through the door. Everything in me wanted to catch her, to hold her, to bring her back and make her say she didn’t want this, but she was gone. The room was dead quiet in her absence. The only reminder she’d been here was the fresh smell of the spa-issued shampoo she used.
Slowly, like a drop of dye in a glass of water, the pain hit my chest. It threaded its way down my shredded insides to my aching stomach, spreading out in my abdomen. I sat again briefly then I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
With five words, she’d walked out the door. She didn’t do long distance. I didn’t know what the hell to do with that. Or even what to say. And fuck all of it, I’d been down that road, holding onto a woman who had other plans. I’d be damned if I did it again.
It was just… Elaine was different from anything I’d had before. We had something worth holding onto, worth trying to keep.
But I couldn’t force her to see it. All I could do was let her go and wait. See if she realized it and called me. Dammit. Blinking, I cleared my throat, and stood, shaking it off and quickly going to the bathroom to hit the shower.
Cleaned and dressed, I roughly threw all my shit in my suitcase. Derek and I had different flights back to Princeton. His departed later than mine, so I didn’t have to see him before I left the resort. I called to let him know I was heading out, but I got voicemail.
“It’s me.” The change in my voice was apparent, defeated. “Heading out. See you back at the office.”
Back to reality.
I tried to stoke that confidence—she would come around. But how could I know that? We’d only been together a few days. Picking up my suitcase, I walked out of the room, and the dry, twisting ache of what I was leaving behind went with me.
Chapter 11 – Whatever it Takes
Instead of going in, I left a message that I was sick. Partly because the last thing I felt like doing was dealing with Star, but mostly because I couldn’t get out of bed. Lying on my side, I couldn’t stop thinking about Elaine.
I tried to reason with myself. It didn’t make sense for me to be so torn up inside. I’d had other women. Hell, I’d loved one woman enough to ask her to marry me. But I’d never felt consumed by the mere thought of touching someone before. Everything in me was drawn to Elaine. She said she wanted to be the only one I thought about, and she’d gotten her wish. And it fucking hurt like hell.
Rolling onto my side, I kicked my ass out of bed. I wasn’t doing this. Yes, she was gorgeous and sexy and amazing. And she ended it. She didn’t want a long-distance relationship, and whatever had happened between us wasn’t enough to change that. It didn’t make sense, but I had to deal with it. If she never came back, I would work through the pain twisting a hole in the center of my gut and get over it.
Food tasted like cardboard. I tried unpacking, but the second shirt I pulled out that smelled like Cactus Flower perfume almost had me throwing things. If I tried to sleep, all I saw were her eyes, her body, her smile. Walking around my apartment, I knew I couldn’t spend the day here like this. Sick or not, I got dressed and went to work. Anything was better than being here alone thinking about her.
* * *
I walked through the glass doors that read Alexander-Knight, LLC, and for a moment surprise pushed out all my other emotions. Nikki was there behind the front desk.
“You’re back?” I said. “But what about…”
A big smile covered her face, and she hopped up, circling the desk to hug me. As always, she wore a tight wrap-dress showing off her sex-kitten figure. I think the dress was peach-colored, but her appearance didn’t interest me as much today. She pressed her body against mine in a hug, and I bent my elbows to return her embrace. Still I was confused. Where was Star?
“How are you, handsome?” She stepped back, evaluating my expression. “Hmm… not so good either. Derek’s acting like his favorite pet got run over. He’s been in his office with the door closed all morning.”
“I don’t think he has any pets,” I said absently.
Nikki breathed a short laugh. “What happened to my guys in the two weeks I was gone? Did you miss me that much?”
My hand automatically went to my stomach, covering the spot where the pain was most intense. “Jet-lag. You know how it is traveling across country.”
“Actually, I don’t, but I do know what jet-lag looks like, and it ain’t this.”
Discussing my heartache with Nikki or anyone else was not about to happen. “Well, I’m glad you’re back.” I forced a smile and headed to my office.
Flipping through my case, I pulled out the cards and information from the clients I’d met and tried to care about them. Derek gave me a portfolio describing the different levels of service we offered, from Level One, which was strictly enforcement—an online network got hacked, we tracked down the hackers—all the way up to designing the network and integrating it into our system for round the clock monitoring and troubleshooting.
He’d also returned from Dallas with that huge corporate-phishing ring we were supposed to track down. All of it combined to being more than enough work to bury myself in for as long as it took to stop feeling it. To stop needing her.
I went to the server and pulled up our standard business letter for new clients and started typing up the first proposal.
* * *
Calm put in an appearance around two o’clock. I’d worked solid through lunch, sent out the welcome packages to my new clients then spent several hours analyzing the email accounts from the phishing ring. A pattern was forming, but whether it matched the same scam being used across servers was as yet unclear. My mind was effectively numbed by the repetition of tracking URLs and looking up owners in the whois database, and I needed to walk around.
I went down the hall toward Derek’s office. As far as I knew, his door had been closed all day, but I knocked. He’d been distracted the whole time we were in Scottsdale, so I wasn’t bothered by his strange behavior now. What did bother me was that since we’d returned,
he seemed sadly distracted instead of happily.
“How’s it going,” he said, focused on his computer.
“It’s coming together. I’m starting to see a pattern.”
“Good,” he nodded.
“So what’s up with the Star situation?” I sat in the same square leather chair I’d occupied my first day here when he’d read my resume for ten minutes, royally pissing me off.
He looked up from his laptop then made a few quick clicks before leaning back. “You’re not looking so great today.”
“You look pretty shitty yourself, but enough about us. Why’s Nikki back?”
He looked down at his desk a moment before speaking. “The other girl took a different job. And I asked if Nikki could come back.”
That pulled me forward—I was almost relieved. “The other girl? You mean Star?”
Derek’s brow pierced, and his blue eyes cut to mine. “Remember when you suspected a setup?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s possible your instincts were right.”
“What the hell?” He paused, thinking, while I waited impatiently for the rest. “What happened?”
He exhaled, picking up a pen. “I finally caught up with my aunt, and she was confused by everything I told her. She said the temp had called in and said she wouldn’t be able to start with us until Monday. Sick kid or something. Then she said she took another job.”
“But—”
“Right. But Star showed up on Thursday.”
“And she never mentioned having a kid.”
“Or a husband.”
My lips pressed together, and I leaned back in the chair again. “Good point. So what makes you think it’s a setup?”
“The other girl’s name was Monica.”
“The fuck!” I was out of the chair then and pacing. “So what now?”
Derek shrugged. “Nothing. We don’t have anything to go on. Stuart and I never felt the need to install security cameras in the office, so we have no images.” He paused, slanting an eye at me. “And God knows I don’t need to see whatever you’re doing behind closed doors.”
I let it pass. “But the building has cameras. The elevators?”
He shook his head. “Already checked. She kept her head down the whole way in and out.”
“So she fucking wouldn’t get caught.” I couldn’t believe I’d been set up. But why?
“Which means we don’t have an image to run through the databases.”
“I could probably describe her well enough to a sketch artist.”
Derek stood and joined me by the windows looking out at the courtyard below. “At this point, I say leave it. Nobody’s asked for anything or made any demands. If anything comes of it, then we’ll do something.”
The anger burning my insides was compounded by the frustration I was already feeling. “That’s not good enough. I want to know who and why.”
“I understand that.” For a moment we didn’t speak. “Is there anybody you know of who might be after you?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I mean, sure there are people I’ve sent up, but nothing that would warrant something like this. I don’t even know what she was after. She never asked for anything.”
“And you stuck your dick in it.” He exhaled and went back to his chair, taking a seat and reopening his laptop. “Nope. I say we leave well enough alone.”
My lips tightened. There was no fucking way I was letting this go. I’d gotten too close, and I’d be damned if I didn’t find out what this was about. If he was out, I would do it on my own.
“So what’s up with that other thing?” I asked before I left.
His eyes moved from the laptop to me. “What other thing?”
“Whatever had you so distracted in the desert.”
He stared back at his computer, made a few clicks, then leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers.
“Hey, you said it was my fault. I should know what I did.” I hoped a joke might loosen him up some. I was not expecting it to work.
“I met someone. The first night we were there.” He leaned forward on the desk, picking up his pen again. “I’m in love with her. But it’s complicated.”
“Met someone? I only ever saw you with…” Realization washed over me. “It’s Melissa?”
He didn’t answer—he didn’t have to. The answer was clear on his face.
Having my own heart freshly ripped out had me feeling generous. “Want to grab a beer after work?”
He looked up at me. “That actually sounds good.”
“Just head to my office when you’re ready.” I was at the door when I paused. “And I’m glad you got Nikki back.”
“She knows the office,” he said quietly. “I’m not traveling anytime soon, and at least I know what to watch out for.”
Pointing out he might try discussing the problem with her didn’t feel like the right thing to say at the moment. Besides I could probably help with that—later. For now, I had another matter to investigate.
* * *
Derek was on his fourth beer, and I was two vodkas in. We’d hit the time of the evening when we started wondering aloud why we didn’t do this more often, and it was all brotherhood and bonding.
“She was not what I expected to find,” he said. “And then, it was like I was powerless against her.”
“I know that feeling,” I said, holding my glass aloft.
His hand went to his eyes, which he rubbed too hard. “I can’t stop thinking about her.”
“I know that fucking feeling, too.” I finished the vodka in one long drink. Then I signaled the bartender for another. Looked like I’d be taking a cab home tonight. “How did you figure this was my fault again?”
He lowered his hand and laughed bitterly. “All your acting up and talk about living. I’m sure you put the idea in my head.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, watching the bartender prep my next drink. It was back in front of me again, and I stared down at the contents.
“Now all I do is wonder what she’s doing,” he paused. “I wonder if the way I felt was all just me. If she’s with him now.”
His last words were so quiet, they were almost inaudible. I watched his grip tighten on the glass, and that knot twisted in my own throat as I admitted the truth in my head. My thoughts were running in the exact same circles.
Elaine had said she’d just broken up with someone, and all I could wonder was if she’d gone back to him. If the jackass had woken up and realized how amazing she was. If he wanted her back. Would she go back to him? Would she forget me that easily?
My fist went down hard against the bar, and I picked up the drink, almost draining the glass in one long gulp.
“You and Elaine got pretty close,” he said, glancing at me. “Are you still talking to her?”
“No,” I said through the thickness in my voice. “We haven’t talked since we’ve been back.”
Memories of holding her body to me, of kissing her slowly tormented me. Flashes of her lips against mine, her breasts on my chest, her tying me up… I growled, sitting back and shoving my fingers against my forehead.
“I can’t do this.” I was off the stool and pulling on my jacket. “I’ve got to go.”
I fished for my wallet, but Derek stopped me. “I’ll cover it,” he said.
“Sure?”
“Yeah. Sorry if I hit a sore spot. Again.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
With a fist bump to the shoulder, I left him sitting at the bar. I had to get out of there. I didn’t want to think about Elaine, but nothing would stop my brain from drowning in her memory. In the past, alcohol had been a guaranteed solution to the bad feelings. Alcohol or sex. But I couldn’t drink her away tonight, and the thought of touching another woman turned my stomach. I only wanted her. I wanted her so bad it hurt.
Bee stings… needles… rope burns… Hailing a cab, I passed my hand over my face again. Jesus, this fucking ache. I had to fucking get back to
the office and get to the bottom of the Star setup. And I was going to break the phishing ring, and I was going to work out, and sleep, and eat my meals, and put one damned foot in front of the other, and do whatever the fuck it took to make this time pass. Until I didn’t think about her any more. Until it didn’t hurt.
I was going to need a lot more work.
Chapter 12 – Something Bigger
Trying to find Star without a photo ID was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I’d started with the database of prostitution arrests in the last five years. She was too good not to be a professional, but I wasn’t convinced she’d have a record. Still, it was the only idea my instincts suggested, so I followed it.
My eyes were crossing looking at photo after photo of bleached-blonde mugshots when I noticed I wasn’t alone. Pausing from my nonstop scrolling, I looked up to see Nikki standing in my doorway, hip cocked, eyebrow arched.
“I was beginning to wonder what was going to make you look up.” Her rose-lined pink lips curled into a smile, and the tightness in my chest eased slightly.
“What’s up?” I asked. Derek and I might have come back to the office changed, but Nikki was the same as always. Teased hair, huge earrings, tight dresses. Funny how her efforts didn’t capture my attention so much anymore.
“I thought you might take me to lunch. Unless you’re skipping it again today?”
“Have I been skipping lunch?” My brow lined as I looked toward the clock. Already two.
“Come on,” she said, stepping around my desk and catching my arm. “I’ll let you buy me a salad in the cafeteria.”
“There’s a cafeteria?”
“In Building C.”
“I’m glad I’ve got you and Derek around. Otherwise, I might miss all the hidden perks of this complex.”
She exhaled a laugh. “The food isn’t that great, but they make a decent salad. And I think Derek said the bacon club isn’t bad.”
Outside, I noticed the season was starting to change. Soon the holidays would begin, but I was glad they were a ways off. I wasn’t in the mood. We walked quietly through the courtyard and entered the third building to our left. My thoughts were preoccupied with the search for Star and how I wasn’t finding a damn thing. She could be anywhere. Hell, for all I knew, she was from another city, another state altogether. Derek was probably right. I should just forget it. Count myself lucky and wait to see if anything ever even came of it.
