by Jordan Bell
In the picture I sat in his lap, arms around his neck, absolutely covered in glitter and adoring him to death. He was smiling, blue eyes as big as the sky, dark hair messed from me playing with it moments before the picture was snapped. Brian stood behind us, one arm around our shoulders and he was actually smiling too, dimples the size of the sun.
Our father got sick a few months later, and stayed that way for a long time before finally succumbing to his illness. During those months we spent night after night at the hospital, wandering hallways together, talking - not talking - about everything. We hid in the radiology waiting room late at night in the dark sharing headphones while our father slept.
When it became apparent that nothing was going to fix our dad, he began turning his life over to Brian. Suddenly, one day, he wasn’t Brian anymore. He was a young man with our father’s frown and he didn’t want to talk anymore. He didn’t want to listen to music or draw inappropriate cartoons on the hallway white boards. He called me a little girl, accused me of not taking our father’s illness seriously, ordered me to grow up. One day, he just stopped being Brian.
The dimples had been the first things to go.
4
____________
Kat
“I can’t believe I agreed to this.”
The road spilled through the woods, moonlight escaping between the silhouettes of trees on either side. My best friend, Julie Lyons, carved her way through the dark, winding roads towards the super-secret party I was super crazy for having agreed to attend. Brian’s accusations, the warning letter he’d received, even Josh had clung to my thoughts all day, leaving me feeling anxious and tense. Despite my nerves and reservations, I knew I badly needed an excuse to be someone else for a night.
Julie smiled and pressed the gas. “Don’t chicken out on me now.”
The party belonged to Kelli Arcona. We met her last summer when she took over as a bartender at the South River when Julie was waitressing between semesters. She was amazing, beautiful, and sassy. We’d become fast friends, which I had needed when my father was in the hospital.
Kelli, as it turned out, also had a few secrets that took the entire summer and a lot of Vodka to get her to divulge. She wore her sexuality on her sleeve, never stayed with anyone for very long, and enjoyed a sexual appetite that left most men unable to keep up.
One night when Josh had a rare date and left Kelli to close down and lock up, the three of us stayed up doing shots and dancing to Billy Idol in our socks until four in the morning. That’s when she told us about a private club she worked at where people came to explore the world of bondage and submission and sex like we’d never imagined it before.
I hadn’t even known there were such places. Had never dreamed. It seemed so Hollywood, so fake, so fictional.
Domination. Submission. Power play. Those words had sounded frightening at the time, but the more she talked about it, the more often she shared little secrets, the fear turned into a nervous, hungry curiosity. What privilege were we missing out on?
Over shots, Kelli described what it felt like to be tied up and taken care of, the power exchange and deep, soul satisfying pleasure of playing out your fantasies in a safe, consensual, honest atmosphere. She confessed costumes, adoration, affection, tenderness. She described playing pretend and giving in and exploration. Trust as pleasure. Make believe as longing.
A child’s curiosity matched to an adult’s ability to consent.
When she described the other people she played with, the beautiful variety of people from all walks of life, all levels of beauty, and all ages, well it wasn’t surprising that we both fell in love with the idea of such inclusive attraction.
Being heavier had always been a stumbling block for me. I didn’t hate my body, but I didn’t trust it either. Some days everything felt fine - symmetrical cleavage, flattering jeans, hidden thighs. But most days I was all too aware of squishy midsections, stocky legs, squeezed-squashed-holstered boobs. So being in an electrified, social setting without worrying about competing with long, pretty people hit just the right trigger.
It was not, however so easy to make us forget the other parts she described, the strangeness, the pain, the loss of control. The darker side of her games.
It took Kelli a year to convince us to come to one of her beginner parties where she introduced people to the idea of exploring their sexuality in new, intense ways. She promised the atmosphere was fun and inviting and would not break down into an all-out orgy or anything like that, though she knew more than a few people who found each other through her parties. The men in the room would all be experienced and generous with their attention and information, and all the women would be new, nervous girls like us.
I knew Kelli’s place was pretty far outside the city, but the further we drove into the forest, the more my anxiety threatened to smother me.
“Are you sure about this?” I asked quietly. Julie turned off the radio and my voice grated in the silence.
“I’ve been looking forward to this for the last four months. I’m going to be there if I have to walk.” She glanced at me, her soft blue eye shadow glowing in the dark. “Are you nervous?”
“Oh my God, of course I’m nervous. The invite said The only thing better than a girl in a carnival mask is one wearing a ball gag. XOXO, Kelli. Holy yes, I’m nervous. Aren’t you?”
Julie grinned and shook her head, the little chandelier earrings tinkling with each shake. “I know you’re not afraid of sex. It’s not like everyone’s going to get naked and go at it. It’s going to be fun and we’ll have each other’s backs.”
“You’re my best friend but I’m not sure I’m ready to see you spanked by a man in a leather mask.”
“Oh shit, I didn’t think about that. Look, if I’m going to share a man in a leather mask with anyone, it would totally be with you.”
“I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse, Jules.”
She laughed. “Kelli said you only participate in what you’re comfortable with.”
“And how do you know for sure Kelli hasn’t set up a giant orgy room?”
“Well…”
“I don’t think I’m ready for a giant orgy room.”
I ran my fingers across my stomach, pressed in my soft bumpiness beneath my dress. Julie complained about her boyish figure, but she owned it. I certainly didn’t own anything. And I didn’t want to be rejected out here, already vulnerable, because no one liked what they saw.
Shit, what if no one liked what they saw?
“I still can’t believe I agreed to this.”
“Tyler Minear,” Julie sighed. “You agreed because you’re my very loyal best friend and because I am so crushing on that man. And also because you haven’t been laid in a while.”
“Thanks, Jules. You really know how to make a girl feel special.”
She grinned and reached over the gear shift to squeeze my knee. I tried to relax, but she was right. This night was half about reclaiming some part of myself that Brian kept telling me I wasn’t entitled to, and half about letting go of all that worry.
And yeah, I hadn’t gotten laid in a while.
Sometimes when a certain type of man walked in to the bar Kelli said she knew he was looking for a certain type of submissive woman that night. She said she could smell it, that they had a certain thing about them that made them bigger and brighter than other men.
Once I’d noticed the bruises peeking out from beneath her shirt sleeve one night and she assured me they were made consensually during a particularly intense scene with a friend of hers. She touched them lovingly and I didn’t understand it. Couldn’t possibly imagine it.
And yet, here I was. Not just imagining it. Doing it.
I understood these words, submissive, dominant, consensual, bondage, but only in a conceptual capacity. My kink experience boiled down to a few lonely nights on Google.
“Whoa, check it out.”
I glanced away from the night sky to see the bright glow of Kelli’s p
lace rise out of the darkness. Tiny firefly lights flanked the road up to the driveway. There were already twelve cars outside and I suspected we were one of the last to arrive.
The butterflies in my belly exploded until I could barely breathe.
Julie pulled into one of the last open spots and turned off the car. The outside sounds melted through to the quiet inside the cab and I could hear crickets, the boats knocking on the lake on the other side of the house, and soft music coming from inside.
“Here we go.” Suddenly Julie looked more nervous than I’d remembered her ever looking, but she took a deep breath and pushed her door open without hesitation. Not wanting to be left out in the dark, I followed, but not because I was brave.
My boots crunched along the gravel drive up to the big front steps. Julie had trouble walking in her heels and I had to grab her until we reached the concrete. We looked a bit like little girls playing in their mother’s grown up clothes. I felt ridiculous instead of sexy even though this was my best dress and my favorite boots.
The double front doors opened and Kelli appeared between them in a beautiful scarlet red cocktail dress paired with a black and red carnival mask. A thick cascade of feathers and crystal beads fell along one side of her face.
“There you two are! I was about to send out the search party.” Kelli captured me first, her arms warm and strong threaded beneath mine. I held her back almost as tightly. She smelled faintly of pomegranates and lime.
“I considered turning back a few times,” I admitted and when she pulled back, her red smile spread knowingly. “But Julie is a lot stronger than she looks.”
“That’s my girl.” She wrapped her arms around Julie. “I knew she’d get you here, one way or another.”
Julie’s dress cut sharply along the hem so that it appeared shredded and soft, ethereal along the edges. It was an almost see through pink and so light it could have blown away in a strong wind. She’d tied her hair up in tiny fairy knots, loose curls pooling around her bare neck.
I wore a simple black strapless cocktail dress with a high neckline and pretty, see-through flourishes above the heart shaped bust. The fabric flared at the waist and rippled to my knees. I hadn’t bothered with pantyhose, deciding instead to wear knee-high socks and calf-high boots.
Kelli stepped back when Tyler appeared and immediately swept Julie up into his body. She squealed and clung to him as he lifted her off the ground and spun her. For a moment my heart squeezed enviously. How would it feel to be so tiny that a man could capture you so completely like that?
Tyler set her back on the ground when Kelli ordered him to be gentle with her friend. He towered over the sprite of a girl, dark, neat hair a little ruffled from his enthusiasm. He tilted her chin gently and kissed her cheek as if Kelli and I weren’t there at all. The moment was sweet and when he pulled away, Julie swooned.
Kelli had brought Tyler into our lives when she invited us to her party. He co-hosted these soirées with her and she’d wanted us to know one of the men so we would feel some familiarity. When he made eye contact with Julie for the first time, Kelli and I might as well have ceased existing. They spent the evening in constant whispered conversation.
“Her mask, Kel?” Tyler asked.
“This is my favorite part!” Kelli clapped and rushed back inside and returned with two masks. The first was wrapped in a baby pink satin with white beads creating a swirling pattern. Ribbons twisted prettily down both sides of the mask. Kelli let Tyler tie it on Julie.
“This one is for you.”
Kelli presented me with a mask of deep gold and velvet black, a carnival design, with a blushing of glitter and delicate ribbons like spun gold. When Kelly stepped behind me and drew the mask over my eyes, the world disappeared but for the space between us. It felt heavy but comfortable, like a second skin.
Julie breathed. “Gorgeous.”
“Agreed. Allow me to escort you in and introduce you to a whole roomful of people who very badly want to fall in love with you tonight.” Tyler presented his arm and in his fancy suit coat with tails and top hat, I could hardly say no. Behind me I heard Julie and Kelli giggle conspiratorially. My butterflies fluttered and I held onto Tyler maybe a little tighter than necessary.
And for the first time that night, I did not feel completely over my head. With Tyler next to me, I felt grounded. I felt like maybe I could belong.
The doors shut behind us, but the mask made it difficult to see much but what was right in front of me. The perspective and limitations made me feel a little hobbled, but there was something exciting about that, too.
Kelli’s place was sparsely furnished, but what there was felt plush and opulent, deep chairs and lounges created around intimate spaces tucked away with dimly lit views of the lake. Several people called for Tyler’s attention and he lead me in their direction towards a sunken living room, one wall completely covered in windows.
Tyler introduced about 12 people, a mixture of women and men, all mostly around Kelli’s age, a few over 30. They were all eager to make my acquaintance, just as promised. Tyler kept Julie somewhat separated from them after he introduced her as if to say, this one is mine.
We all shared that same eager, terrified brightness. My guard dropped, the butterflies settled. I could do this. I could love this.
And then I heard his voice and the whole night crumbled around my knees.
“Oh my god. Katrina?”
I spun towards the voice as the butterflies became a psychotic tornado and tried to escape through my heart.
Josh stood at the edge of the living room with a look of shock quickly dissolving into horror. He stumbled back a step, blue eyes widening with each terrible second. The man who was as familiar to me as my own brother vanished and left this stranger standing there, lost and embarrassed.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. How could it? We both knew what kind of party this was. We both knew what it meant to explore this world of wish fulfillment and power.
No. No that really wasn’t true. Only the girls were new to this. The boys…
“Excuse me,” I murmured to Tyler who had sense enough to release his hold on me so that I could flee the curious gazes of those already lounging around the common room. I heard Julie call my name but I was already out before she could stop me. I dashed down dark hallways, made a quick turn before the kitchen and somehow made it onto the lanai, a cool lake breeze drifting in through an open window.
Goosebumps broke out across my arms. I planted my hands on the table top in the middle of the room and took several, deep breaths. How could Josh be here? Boring Josh. That was what I’d called him when I poked through his freakishly clean apartment and found nothing shocking.
I could remember doing my homework at the bar when he was learning to bartend. I remembered him flipping grenadine bottles and slipping me extra cherries when his dad wasn’t looking. He knew my favorite ice cream, my favorite movies. He knew me inside and out. We were practically family.
Shit. I didn’t really know Josh at all.
But now I knew why he never had girlfriends. I teased him about it, but I never understood how someone so good looking, so charming, so easy to love could remain so completely unattached.
Now I knew the secret part of his life he kept from us. I knew why it felt like he was only half ours.
“Katrina?” I felt him fill the doorway behind me. God, I recognized the way he smelled and his familiar heaviness hesitating on the edge of my space. The shock had edged out of his voice, but caution replaced it. I didn’t turn around.
“Kat? Please look at me.”
My hands shook as I pushed myself up. I inhaled, straightened, and slowly turned to meet his disapproving gaze and whatever judgment he wanted to cast down. There really was no avoiding it anyway.
In my head I heard his voice as Brian’s. Disappointed. Disgusted.
You’re sick.
What’s wrong with you?
Grow up.
Who would even want you anyway?
He’d promised me earlier that day that I never had to know what it was like without him, but I knew deep in my bones that he’d take it all back now. How could he not?
But to my surprise, he didn’t look at me like that. He looked worried, scared maybe, and curious. Like the other men in the room, he didn’t wear a mask, but he was dressed to impress in a black button down shirt. Or had been, anyway. He’d unbuttoned his sleeve cuffs and rolled them up his forearms. His shirt was untucked and a little bit wrinkled. He didn’t quite match the black tie crowd I’d seen earlier, but he looked very Josh.
He shoved one hand into his pants pocket.
“I had no idea you were going to be here,” I answered his searching eyes quietly. That was the truth. I would never have shown up, no matter Julie’s begging, if I’d known. He nodded as he stepped down from the dining room into the open lanai.
“I think it’s safe to say I would not have come if I’d known you would be here, either.”
He opened his hand to lead me to the sofa but was careful not to touch me. I sat down and immediately tugged the gold ribbon free so that my mask fell forward into my lap. With it gone, the room felt bigger and I felt very exposed.
Josh inhaled sharply before very slowly lowering himself down beside me.
“Maybe you should put that back on.”
“Why bother? Genie is out of the bottle, so to speak.”
“Please.” I looked at him, but he’d turned his face away. “For me.”
I hesitated, but complied. It felt better to put the mask back on anyway, and when I had trouble tying it, his fingers caught mine and took the ribbons from me. He re-tied the mask with practiced ease and when it was back in place I felt his hand lower along my hair, his fingers gentle as they tucked the strands aside.
“It’s…easier if I can kind of pretend like you’re someone else.”
“Well that shouldn’t be a problem since I do not plan to go back in there.”
“Masquerade party, huh?”
“Well, the truth seemed a little awkward. Going to a bondage party, Josh. Should be a rockin’ good time.”
