by Jordan Bell
“It’ll be a cold day in hell, Katrina, when you are too much for me.”
I climbed onto the bed after her, moved swiftly between her legs and settled between her knees. She arched her lovely body, her large breasts straining against her dress. Her weight had always been an issue for her, something she blamed when relationships went bad or boys looked past her on the dance floor. Right now, the extra curves, her gorgeous shape made me want to touch more of her, not less. I wondered what her softness would feel like giving way beneath my body.
Her excitement reach feverish as I reached on either side of the bed for the leather cuffs I’d helped the hostess attach earlier that night. They were tethered to the bed by leather straps which snapped and whined as I religiously buckled her wrists into them. She watched, squirmed, squeezed her thighs. I took my time to draw out those sweet reactions - the way she bit her lip, smiled, writhed. She let me bend and twist her wrists into the tight leather.
Kat tested her short leash by pulling and straining against them, and I swear I saw a look of approval when they held with little mercy.
A swell of pride momentarily overwhelmed my lust as I watched her settle down and accept my restraints for the second time tonight. Her gaze finally met mine, green eyes blissing out, filling with adoring acquiescence.
I want you, her eyes begged. I want this.
Kat’s arms dropped to the sheets above her head, elbows bent, the bright white of her delicate skin from wrist to elbow reflecting the candle light and I loved her for this gift of submission.
She panted, sexy as hell, and I wanted to strip her, touch her. I wanted her naked breasts, wanted to tie them again so I could trace their marks later after I wore her out. So I could tease and suck her nipples while she could do nothing but allow it to happen.
With control that bordered on lunacy, I abandoned that fantasy, the fantasy that brought us terrifyingly close to a line I could not, would not cross. Instead I pushed her thighs apart and reached up under her dress to her soaked panties. I hooked my fingers around their damp stretch and pulled them down her thighs, over her knees and carefully removed each of her feet. Then I pocketed them.
I could feel her heartbeat through her skin, pounding quickly like a trapped rabbit. I stroked her thighs reassuringly. Her thighs were fucking gorgeous, wide and round and softer than anything I’d ever caressed. She was mad to feel embarrassed by them. Without wasting another second I raised her knee up and leaned down to lick the smooth curve from mid-thigh. She dropped her head back and struggled to breathe through the sensation. I wondered if anyone had bothered to explore this territory before. I wanted to take my time with them.
What I really wanted was to turn her over and leave red hand prints all over them.
I let her thigh drop and crawled up her body so that my weight pressed her into the mattress. Kat gazed at me with such captivating need and again I felt drawn to her mouth. I held her gaze and swallowed my fear.
Kiss her. There were a million very good reasons why I couldn’t do it. Why I shouldn’t have even touched her tonight.
But for a moment I considered what it would be like if we did change everything, if tomorrow was new and more and maybe that would be ok. Kiss her. Love her. Possess her.
Maybe I could have this, fearlessly. Maybe I could do this right.
Disgustingly, I thought of Brian. The other waitresses. The bar. All the other women I’d ever been with. The boy who was supposed to move in with her months ago, who she’d considered marrying someday. No one would understand. No one would understand how I saw her in this moment and no one would just let us have each other. Not without consequences. And maybe tomorrow she’d wake up and take a shower and realize that this was the worst decision we’d ever made.
And maybe that wasn’t even what I really feared.
So I didn’t kiss her. Because I was a coward.
Instead my fingers slid deftly up her thigh to the dangerous edge of everything I ever wanted. And before I even pushed my fingers between those slick folds she lifted her hips to meet them.
Her eagerness made me greedy. I pushed my fingers into her moist core and searched out the entrance to her sex.
Kat squeezed her eyes and raised her hips again as I slid two fingers inside her. She felt exquisitely soft and delicate, every stroke of my fingertips sending breathy spasms through her entire body. Her fingers dug into the blanket beneath her, fisting and squeezing each time I entered her. Her mouth opened, closed. Her tongue broke across her lips to wet them.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, Kat,” I begged softly against her collarbone. “I need to know.”
“I…” Her brow furrowed as she lost control of her words again, as she had when I’d bound her in front of a room full of strangers. She struggled, fighting between her pleasure and her incoherent thoughts. I needed her to slow down or she was going to come long before I was done with her.
“You’re doing so well, sweetheart. How does it feel? Do you like what we’ve done together?”
“Yes,” she whined, though her head dropped back and forth as if she wanted to deny it. “Josh. Oh god. I want to feel you inside me. Please. Please.”
Her words caused a rumble of pleasure deep in my chest and I crushed closer to her so that my breath mingled with hers. My fingers dug into her, searched out her clitoris, and as soon as I touched it a rocket of fervor lit its way through her body. She arched her back, pressed her nipples into my chest and urged my fingers to rub her again.
“Not tonight,” I murmured regretfully. That was all I seemed to know how to say to her. No. No. No. If she heard me though, she didn’t express any disappointment, already lost in the flames between her legs. I captured her clit between my fingers and started a powerful assault against it. “Come for me, Katrina. Say my name.”
Her mouth opened and a quivering, wordless sound of pleasure escaped and she shook like I’d plugged her in to a light socket.
Her thighs squeezed against my hand, her whole body a mess of contradictions and beautiful agony.
She pulled at her restraints, tore at them until the leather whined in protest. The mask hid her eyes from me, but in the dark, spread out and so giving, my girl was resplendent.
Mine.
“Josh!” Kat gasped and thrust her entire body into my arms. I crushed her into the bed, held her down while her orgasm inflamed her body and set off wave after wave of excruciating, stunning pleasure. She rocketed into my hand, ground her slick sex into my fingers. Over and over as her pleasure took her.
Her hands released their grip on the sheets, fought the restraints, reached for me, pushed me away, pulled me to her, shook and struggled like a wild animal.
Finally, after slow aftershocks shook her body one last time, silence descended over us. I collapsed onto the bed beside her and wrapped her inside the crook of my arm.
“Josh,” she repeated, her voice a raspy whisper. Her face lolled into the crook of my shoulder and I held her tight as her whole body went boneless.
I watched her until her breathing evened out and softened and I knew she slept. I watched her until I thought it would break my heart. Then I collected her in my arms, released her bindings, and took her away from that place.
8
____________
Josh
By the time I left Kat sleeping on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her to keep her warm, everyone else had gone their separate ways. I could hear their sounds far off in the house, quiet voices and other, more telling things.
They made me feel exhausted and empty. This was usually one of my favorite moments of any party, the quiet minutes after I’d engaged with another player and now could come down from my high in the lonely, buzzing euphoria afterwards.
But tonight there was no euphoria. No pride at a job well performed. No selfish, dizzying satisfaction of taking control of another.
Instead there was near soul crushing contentment. A tightness formed in my chest, made from th
e joy of figuring out what I’d been missing for years and the solace of having touched it just once.
I felt delight and sadness and near paralyzing fear, one emotion rolling into the next. Sub drop, the intense emotional emptiness that came after scenes sometimes, was common enough. I knew how to deal with that, knew how to comfort and nurture following emotionally intense scenes. In all these years, I’d never experienced Dom drop. Before that night, I wasn’t even sure it was real. I’d never been invested enough, maybe, or deep enough or intimate enough with any woman.
I’d been waiting for the right person and the right experience to fall without a safety net.
But the drop felt endless. And fatal. Because the noise in my head sounded like a thousand voices, some accusing me of being a monster with the one person I cared about most in the whole world. Some begging for more.
Hold her down and take her. Take her. TAKE HER. Claim her thoroughly so there is no question who she belongs to.
You defiled her, they whispered. You ruined her. She will never not remember you as animal instead of friend.
There was nothing ok about what had happened tonight, I knew that, though it had been the sweetest, most overwhelming intimacy I could remember ever having with another human being.
Tomorrow, she will fear you.
I made this girl into both exquisite delight and heinous perversion and there would be consequences. There were always consequences when you tasted everything you ever wanted. Because tomorrow we were going to have to face each other and realize painfully that what we had before was gone. She’d never get to be a little girl again and I could never be her protective big brother.
No small flirtation would be without heavy memories.
No look, no touch, could ever be innocent.
I couldn’t be near her without coveting her. She would never be safe from my unforgivable thoughts and desires.
Every small, bratty look would threaten my control.
And no lover would ever feel like her. None of them would cause my heart to race or inspire the kind of longing I felt when I touched Katrina. If I never indulged in her again, I would never feel as happy as I felt when I kissed her throat and held her in my arms.
Watching her sleep made me feel like a hundred kinds of creepy old man, so I retreated to the back porch for some air.
The breeze off the lake helped cut through some of the noise in my head, though inside I was on fire. Her vanilla and sugar smell clung to my fingertips and clothes and I could still taste her on my lips. It made me feel crazy and untethered. The memory of her touch hollowed me out.
I was nineteen when I’d clumsily tied my first submissive girl to my bed. Twenty the first time I spanked her. While my friends reveled in buying their fake IDs and hitting the clubs with more verve than they’d ever done anything in their lives, I joined my first private club and learned how to use a flogger.
It was the rope that seduced me, the resistance it met against skin as it tightened across muscle and bone, sinking coils into feminine bodies. I fell in love with the pressure of knots, the gasps of surrender when I turned the rope a fraction past endurance. The courage of submission and trust required of bound captivity became my addiction, vibrant and passionate and willing.
And though I’d had lovers, playmates, teachers, and girlfriends, all of whom I’d played with and enjoyed…none of them had tested my control as Kat had tonight. None of them had made me turn into an animal, starving to consume the girl beneath me, desperate to hold her down and take as much as she was willing to give and then beg for more. None of them had made me want to lose control.
Until Kat.
Committing to another person whose heart I would inevitably break had never been even remotely appealing.
Until Kat.
I didn’t even know what a healthy relationship looked like. My parents had split when I was a kid. If my father loved anyone he never showed it. My mother fled east without so much as a goodbye. What did I know about loving anyone?
The sliding door sighed open and Kelli tiptoed barefoot out onto the deck, high heels dangling from her fingertips. She shut the door behind her and began untying her mask.
“What a night,” she murmured. “I love getting dressed up, but after a couple of hours I just want to take my bra off and throw on some sweats.”
“You,” I warned, “are the last person I want to see right now. Leave.”
She stopped abruptly, her red mouth forming an Oh. The surprise lasted only a moment before being shuttered. She smoothed a hand across the front of her dress and reverently began winding the ribbons on her mask. “Well, that wasn’t the reaction I expected.”
“I’m sorry, did you expect me to thank you?” I turned away, unable to stomach her calm. I curled my hands over the railing and stared out at the dark lake. Moonlight cast silver streaks across its surface, but the woods beyond created such darkness that it was impossible to see where the shore ended and the water began. “Am I supposed to be grateful to you for ruining one of the most important relationships I had?”
“Yes, actually.” She took two measured steps towards me. “I thought you’d be relieved. Happy. Finally.”
“Happy?” My anger tensed the muscles in my arms, made me want to destroy something pretty. If she were a man, I’d have knocked her out. Since I had never hit a woman outside the playroom and had no intention of starting now, I kept a firm grip on the railing and refused to look at her. “I was happy six hours ago when my life was mine. You had no right to out me and we are not ok. If I tell anyone what you did, you’d be barred from the community. You’d be blacklisted.”
She stayed silent for a long time, but I could feel her panic. The air vibrated with it. My threat wasn’t subtle and she knew the consequences of outing someone’s secret beyond the privacy of our community. A part of me wanted revenge, wanted to ruin her place in society just as she’d ruined mine outside it.
When she didn’t say anything, I shook my head and turned to face her. “Why would you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?”
Kelli set her shoes and mask on the table between us then crossed her hands in front of her and tilted her chin down a fraction of an inch. Even now, threatened and cornered, she remained demure and proper from years of training and practice. This sign of respect seemed oddly sad all the sudden, and for a moment I felt very old and very tired. This tantalizing world, full of short-lived but limitless intimacy, had been dreamlike and abundant for so long. Now it just left me feeling trapped and lonely.
“Two months ago, I guess, we were at a party. Jorn’s place. Do you remember?” She cleared her throat softly but didn’t wait for me to answer. “It was a good party. Good atmosphere, good people. You were playing with Michelle that night. She was beautiful as usual, in this leather bikini thing, and she was so pleased with herself because it was just assumed you’d play with her and only her. You always played with her, though I can’t imagine why. I have no patience for divas.”
I rolled my eyes at the dig, but let it go. “What’s the point?”
“I’m getting to it. You want to know, so I’m telling you.” Kelli gave me a punishing look so I obliged her for the moment and waved my hand for her to continue. She nodded once. “I watched you set out each of your toys. They all had a special place on the table, all carefully arranged. Your ritual was hypnotizing and I realized no one was watching you but me. Michelle was fussing with her hair and others lingered in conversation nearby. But you, you were already getting into your headspace. You were already beginning the scene even if no one else realized it. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. There was this…power that just vibrated around you. I was actually quite jealous of Michelle and it pains me to admit that. I’d deny it if you ever told anyone.”
Nothing about it felt particularly special and I couldn’t see how it connected to Kat. It felt like Kelli hid a secret about me even I didn’t know, which just fueled my disquiet.
I also did not
want to talk about Michelle when Kat slept twenty feet away. As illogical and ridiculous as it sounded, even thinking about my past playmates made me feel like the worst kind of bastard.
“It took you, I don’t know, ten minutes to prepare yourself,” she said. “You were giving Michelle instructions and she kept saying ‘yes, yes, I know. I know how to play the role. I got it.’ But she really didn’t get it. She forgot to appreciate the power of being someone’s chosen. She’d forgotten what a gift it was. And you, the great and terrible villain, strong and capable…you didn’t even notice. Or care. I was so sad watching you accept such mediocrity. Instead of feasting on rich molten chocolate cake, you’d resigned yourself to a handful of Skittles.”
“I don’t even know what you’re even talking about now.” Without thinking, I shoved away from the railing and paced, furious energy making my hands sting and itch. I wanted to handle something, someone. I wanted to demonstrate exactly what sort of great and terrible villain I could be. The energy made my muscles hot and tense, clench and release, until it felt like there was fire beneath my skin. “Michelle and I didn’t even end up playing that night. What does this have to do with…?”
My voice trailed off and I looked through the window to where she dreamed alone. Kat. I couldn’t even say her name without being sucker punched by guilt.
Kelli sighed as if I were missing the point, as if this whole game were somehow lost on me. That just made the fire worse.
“I know you didn’t end up playing. You got her on the table. You restrained her. You started to strip her down…and then your phone started buzzing. You’d forgotten to turn it off I guess, and you stopped. You actually checked your phone in the middle of a scene which was so incongruent with the meticulous Master of his domain I’d witness minutes before. Michelle looked fit to kill you. Don’t you dare, she warned, but you were already gone. You asked someone to untie her as you just walked out of the room.”
