by Helen Harper
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Byron’s expression flatten into an impenetrable mask. He folded his arms. Crapadoodle. ‘You know it’s here,’ he said. It wasn’t a question.
I scratched my neck. ‘I do now,’ I answered slowly.
‘That wasn’t what I meant.’ He eyed me. Even Sorley seemed to think it was a good idea to back away. ‘You’ve had the Foinse in your possession all this time and you didn’t tell me?’
‘It’s not in my possession.’ I wondered how I could extricate myself without pissing him off again. ‘It’s got free will. It chooses where to go.’
Speck jabbed his finger at me. ‘Yes! If the Foinse hadn’t wanted to come here, it wouldn’t be here. So it’s not my fault.’
I frowned at him and he grinned. I looked at Byron. ‘And it’s not like it’s always been hanging around. It’s only been with us since we got back the Adair Lands. It was there when we arrived.’
‘That’s true,’ Taylor nodded.
‘So what you’re saying is that when I visited you there, the Foinse was there too?’
This wasn’t going very well. ‘Er, yes.’
‘And you kept it a secret?’
‘Byron, I…’ I sighed. ‘Yes, I kept it a secret.’
A muscle jerked in his jaw. He took a step towards me. ‘Why shouldn’t you tell a secret around a clock?’ His voice was dangerously low.
‘Excuse me?’
‘You heard me.’ He tapped his foot.
‘Because, um, time will tell?’
Sorley’s eyes turned from me to Byron and back again then his face cleared and he let out a loud guffaw.
‘That’s right,’ Byron said silkily. ‘And if it takes us until the end of time, I’m going to make sure that you trust me. You got that?’
‘I’ve got it!’ Shite. ‘I mean, I do trust you. I just … forgot to tell you about the Foinse, that’s all.’
‘That’s fine.’ He stepped away.
Feeling hot and bothered, I rubbed my neck. I had completely lost track of what was going on. It was just as well that Bob took that moment to harangue us. He flashed into the room with a disdainful glance. ‘You’ll be relieved to know that we’re safe. The Sidhe are no longer trying to pursue us.’ He sniffed loudly. ‘You’re welcome.’
‘Thank you, Bob.’
He zipped up to Byron. ‘I didn’t hear anything from you.’ He wiggled his earlobe. ‘I know you’re broke but manners cost nothing.’
‘Thank you, Bob.’
‘Well,’ the genie demurred, ‘okay then.’ He flew down, hovering at the edge of Byron’s kilt. ‘What do Scotsmen wear under these things? I’ve always wondered…’
Byron grabbed him before he could take a peek. ‘Manners cost nothing,’ he reminded him.
Bob pouted. ‘Yeah, yeah.’ He looked over his shoulder at me. ‘I should tell you that Tipsy is throwing a tantrum up on the deck. Fergus, May and Candy are trying to calm her down but they’re not having much luck.’
I pressed the base of my palms against my temples. ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘okay.’
***
Bob hadn’t been kidding about the tantrum part. Tipsania was marching up and down the slick boards, picking up everything that wasn’t nailed down and throwing it away. ‘I will wring his neck. I will pull out his fingernails one by one.’ She grabbed a lifebelt and hurled it into the grey, churning sea. Mm. We might need those.
Candy stood to one side. ‘It’s better to let her run out of steam,’ he advised.
‘Steam?’ Tipsania shrieked. ‘I’ll show you steam. I will ram a steaming hot poker right up his arse. Then you’ll see steam.’
May shuffled up, Fergus following with a large golf umbrella in a bid to shield from the sun. ‘Ip. Ee!’ she squeaked.
‘Not now, May!’
Byron said, ‘That’s a Fomori demon.’
Ah. ‘Yes. Yes, it is. She’s nice, though. Honest.’
‘If it takes until the end of time, Integrity,’ he reminded me.
‘I wasn’t keeping her a secret! She just never came up!’
He obviously didn’t believe me. I gave up and focused on Tipsania instead. ‘What’s wrong?’
She stopped what she was doing and stared at me. ‘What’s wrong?’ she shrieked. ‘What’s bloody wrong? You imbecile! You poor excuse for a Sidhe! You white-haired cretin!’
‘I tried to warn you,’ Candy rumbled.
‘Tipsania,’ I said, trying again. ‘I know this has been tough on you. I’m really sorry about your dad. It’s important to grieve but I’m not sure this is the best way to go about it.’
She put her hands on her hips and marched up to me. ‘My dad was a wanker,’ she said icily. ‘I’m not happy he’s dead and I’m certainly not happy about how it happened but that’s not why I’m angry.’
Angry didn’t begin to cover it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d turned green and ripped her way out of her sodden wedding dress.
‘Aifric,’ she said, spitting the name out with disgust. ‘He’s not dead.’
‘No.’
‘I want to kill him. Slowly.’
Bob began to applaud. ‘Yes! You go, girl!’
Before I could say anything, Tipsania moved up until she was inches from my face. ‘Do you know what he said to me? He said that if I didn’t marry Byron, he would drag me to the altar himself and marry me. He would marry me! The nerve of the man!’ I opened my mouth but she still wasn’t finished. ‘As if I would tie myself to someone like him! And look!’ She grabbed my head and forced it down. ‘Look at what I’m wearing! It’s a monstrosity. Bows!’ she spat. ‘Nobody wears bows! I look like Cinderella. I’m not some servant playing dress up!’
Candy held up his hand like a wary school kid. ‘I think you look pretty.’
She paused for a moment. ‘You always think that! That’s not the point! My wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Now it’s ruined!’
I was confused. ‘You wanted to get married?’
‘You don’t understand anything!’
‘Tipsania,’ I said reasonably, ‘Aifric can’t touch you now. We’re well away from him. You don’t have to worry.’
She scowled at me ferociously. ‘There’s only one thing that will stop me worrying.’ She stomped over to Candy. He looked rather frightened and I wasn’t surprised. ‘I want you to know,’ she said, ‘that I am not doing this just to take myself off the market and stop Aifric from forcing me into marriage with him or Byron or anyone else who comes along. I’m doing this because I love you. Got that?’ The words flew out of her at a tremendous pace. She swallowed, smoothed her billowing dress down and forced herself to relax. Then she got down on one knee. ‘Candy Carmichael. Will you marry me? If you don’t say yes, I will cut off your bloody—’
‘Yes.’
She blinked. ‘Pardon?’
‘Yes. I will marry you.’
‘Well, that’s alright then. I don’t want this horrific excuse for a wedding dress to go to waste.’ She clambered awkwardly to her feet and began kissing Candy. There was a lot of tongue action. Trying not to look at the way she was attacking his mouth, I coughed. ‘Congratulations. But, er, we don’t have a minister on board. You can’t get married.’
Tipsania broke away and gazed at me scornfully. ‘Idiot. How long do you think I’ve been planning my own wedding?’ Apparently it was a rhetorical question because I wasn’t given chance to reply. ‘Since I was six years old! A ship’s captain can marry someone.’
‘She’s right,’ Angus said, butting in with a cheesy grin. Byron flashed him a glare but he didn’t seem to notice.
‘Who’s the captain?’ I asked. ‘It’s not me. I don’t know anything about boats.’
Fergus pointed at Brochan. ‘He’s a merman. He should be captain.’
‘Piss off.’
I thought about it. ‘Sorley is the one who commandeered this ferry. Him and all the trolls. I guess that makes him captain.’
Tipsania paused for a moment. ‘I’m to be married by a troll?’
I shrugged.
‘Whatever. Let’s get on with it.’
Candy beamed at her. ‘I can’t wait.’
‘I love you,’ she breathed. They began kissing again.
‘True love,’ I muttered. ‘Oh well. I guess we’re going to a wedding after all.’
***
The trolls worked quickly. They cleared out the canteen area and arranged themselves and us in formation. Someone managed to rustle up some cans of Irn Bru for a post-ceremony toast although we had to share them. I reckoned I got a thimbleful.
‘This is the strangest wedding I’ve ever been to,’ I said quietly to Byron as Sorley straightened the tie he’d borrowed from Taylor and mumbled to himself as he tried to remember his lines. The Foinse zipped overhead with one of Tipsania’s lacy bows perched on top of it. Byron didn’t answer. I turned to him and realised he was watching me closely. ‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ he said. He licked his lips. ‘Do you like weddings?’
‘I like emotional weddings. The kind where even the cake is in tiers.’
‘Ha,’ he murmured. He put his arm round my waist and drew me close. I told myself sternly not to snuggle but it was a close-run thing.
Candy, looking rather nervous, took his spot. Then, while Bob produced a baby grand piano and began to tinkle out the wedding march, Tipsania made her grand entrance. The trolls acted suitably impressed, oohing and aahing at her dress. I decided now probably wasn’t the time to tell her that she had a trail of seaweed knotted into some of the ribbons at the back.
‘Dearly beloved,’ Sorley shouted, causing half of the makeshift congregation to wince, ‘we are gathered here today to witness the binding together in matrimony of this man and this woman.’ From his ragged pocket, he produced a length of fabric. He wound it first around Tipsania’s wrist then around Candy’s, joining them together. As he continued, I stared at it.
‘Join together,’ I whispered. ‘Of course.’ I could have slapped myself for not thinking of it earlier. My ancestors at the Cruaich grove had given me the answer to all our problems and I’d been too stupid to see it.
Byron gave me a strange look. I grinned and leaned my head on his shoulder. The last few days had been amongst the worst in my life. Morna’s face flashed into my mind; maybe it was just as well that we were all being kept busy, otherwise I’d have had to lock myself away in a dark room to deal with her loss. Aifric had so much to answer for. He would come after us again and next time he wouldn’t waste time on fake trials, he’d move straight to the main event. I wasn’t going to kill him though; I was better than that.
Candy and Tipsania leaned towards each other as they said their vows. I spotted Taylor wiping away a surreptitious tear, together with dozens of the supposedly hardened trolls who were watching. Tipsania looked radiant, all tantrums forgotten. And all of a sudden, there was a glimmer of real hope.
Chapter Sixteen
It wasn’t difficult to drag Fergus and May into a corner during the post-ceremony celebrations. Fergus told me what he’d already gleaned about the Lowlands then we huddled together while May patiently answered the rest of my questions, with Fergus standing in as interpreter. A couple of times she seemed to falter and a shadow crossed her red eyes. On each occasion she stared hard at me and nodded to herself before telling me what I needed to know. When I had all the information, I asked her to open her mouth. I congratulated myself on not recoiling at the sight of the stub of her tongue that remained. Then, as Fergus gripped her hands tightly, I used Aifric’s Gift.
It was the oddest sensation for both of us. May had obviously become accustomed to her condition because she looked as if she’d been given a humungous gobstopper. To suddenly have this thick fleshy thing shoved back into her mouth couldn’t have been pleasant. She kept sticking it out and waggling it around. As for me, the act of growing new flesh was very different to healing Taylor’s wounds. There had always been a strange connection between May and me, but now it felt more physical as if, somehow, we were tied together in ways I didn’t understand. It went some way to explaining why the Gift of Healing wasn’t used more often. Although I was filled with spreading warmth at the obvious success, I instinctively knew that using this Gift too regularly would invite insanity. The new connections that were formed each time between healer and healed would spread the magic user too thinly, both physically and emotionally. It was a sobering revelation.
May couldn’t yet talk properly. The sensation of using an organ which she’d become so used to doing without meant that it was easier for her to continue communicating with Fergus through sign language. It didn’t mean that she wasn’t going to practise the ‘new’ sounds she could make, however. When I got up to leave, murmuring to Fergus about what I needed from him next, she clutched at his arm and beamed, her brow furrowed in deep concentration. ‘Fer … gus.’
I pressed my lips together hard. It was difficult to say who was more jubilant, Fergus or May.
I turned to go, leaving them to enjoy her newfound skills. Fergus grabbed my arm. ‘You should know,’ he said, his eyes focusing on mine with an intensity I’d not seen from him before, ‘her tongue wasn’t removed as a punishment. It wasn’t done to hurt her.’
‘Then why?’ I asked, my voice barely audible above the raucous cheering of the trolls around us.
He shrugged awkwardly. ‘From what she’s told me, it was some kind of parasite. It burrowed its way in and cutting out her tongue was the only way to get rid of it. Even then, she didn’t think she was going to make it. Most demons affected in this way don’t.’
‘I assumed it was torture,’ I said.
‘So did I. But she keeps saying that the Fomori aren’t as bad as we all think.’
We exchanged glances. I bit my lip, nodded and walked away. There was still a lot to do before the night was over.
***
We reconvened at the prow of the ferry. I checked my watch and gave a satisfied nod. Three in the morning. Many of the trolls were still on patrol but I reckoned we had a good five minutes before they’d swing round this way again.
Fergus had already worked out what was going to happen. He leaned nonchalantly against the side of the ship, a smile playing around his lips, while I outlined the plan. Byron remained impassive and I appreciated his silence until I’d finished talking. ‘That’s an even worse idea than planning a fake wedding,’ he told me.
I was expecting this reaction. ‘Right now, there’s no alternative. Not unless letting an all-out war start is your idea of fun.’ He looked irritated. I shrugged. ‘I’m telling you all this because I’m not keeping any more secrets.’
Byron raised his eyebrows. ‘Is that why Lexie, Speck, Brochan and Taylor are currently tucked in bed and not here?’
I met his eyes. ‘Taylor almost died. And you’re right, this is a really bad idea. It’s risky and stupid and if he knew, Taylor would give me astronomical odds against the chance of success. If any of them was aware of what I’m about to do, they’d demand to come along but I’m not putting them in that kind of danger. I’d prefer not to put you in that kind of danger either. But for you,’ I gestured helplessly, ‘full disclosure.’
His response was quiet. ‘Thank you. I appreciate that more than you know.’
‘It would be good if you stayed behind—’
He growled. ‘I’m coming.’ As if that were the end of the matter, he looked at Fergus. ‘Why him?’
‘Because I promised he could come.’
‘I’ll volunteer to stay behind!’ Bob piped up. ‘I have no desire to sneak beyond the Veil. I don’t want to die yet, I still have the new season of Doctor Who to watch.’
‘Sorry. You don’t get a choice.’
He gazed at me dolefully. It was a long time since he’d pretended that asking for wishes wouldn’t have disastrous side-effects. I wasn’t sure there would be much choice, however. I sighed heavily. Risk versus re
ward.
Heavy footsteps sounded along the deck, heading in our direction. I checked inside my bag one last time then closed it and swung it over my shoulder. I glanced at the three of them and they all nodded.
Byron turned his gaze towards the lifeboat hanging in readiness on the side of the ferry. Using Telekinesis, he lowered it silently down to the sea. Fergus let out a low whistle of approval. I scowled at him for making a noise then vaulted over the side and down into the boat. I didn’t want to hide from the trolls but if they knew what I was up to, I’d end up with an army at my back. Reassuring as that might sound, it would only cause more problems than it would solve.
Byron released the lifeboat from the last of its moorings. The ferry chugged past us, its vast hull like some steel monster gliding through the night. That was it; we were on our own. I started the tiny starboard engine. We were fairly close to the coastline so it wouldn’t take too long to reach land.
Fergus held up his hand. ‘Wait.’
I glanced at him, askance, then I heard a soft splash. What the hell? May’s unmistakable clawed hand curved round the lifeboat’s edge and she hauled herself in. ‘What?’ I hissed. ‘No! May, get back!’
‘I think it’s too late,’ Fergus said drily. The ferry was already some distance away from us.
I glared at him. ‘It’s too dangerous.’
‘She’s the one person who can really help us. You know that.’
‘We’re putting her life at risk!’
‘All our lives are at risk. She knows that and she wants to come.’
‘You told her what we were doing.’
He gazed at me implacably. ‘No secrets.’
A smile tugged at the corner of Byron’s mouth. ‘Can’t argue with that.’
May gave me a cautious smile. ‘In … tegrity?’ she asked, trying out the word.
I sighed. Crapadoodle. ‘Fine. Let’s go.’
Bob’s bottom lip jutted out. ‘Avast, me hearties,’ he mumbled.
‘Everything will be fine,’ I told him. I injected as much confidence as I could into my voice. Sooner or later I was bound to start believing my own hype.
