by Lisa Ladew
He wondered at it all for a second. How was it that he had been a complete asshole to her for so long and she still felt positively towards him? Why would a woman like her, gorgeous, sweet, sophisticated yet down-to-earth, and whip-smart be interested in him? Could it be just a physical thing? He guessed it could be, but that didn’t seem very likely. Vivian didn’t seem like that type of woman to him.
Gravel crunched under his feet as he quickly walked in circles under the wide canopy of evergreens surrounding the yard, trying to work through his thoughts.
It’s time to come clean, he thought. Do you want Vivian? Do you like Vivian? Are you prepared for the complications of going back in there and following through on whatever almost happened between you two? Are you prepared for a relationship again, if it leads to that? Hawk ground his hands into fists, determined not to run from the questions.
Do you want Vivian? He thought back to the feel of her lips on his and knew he wanted her. More than that. He desired her. He desired her with ever cell in his body.
Did he like her? That was a little more difficult. It wasn’t just a matter of feeling what his body wanted. It required a level of openness with himself that he hadn’t had for years. Since Gianna had - done what she did. Just the thought of that hurt him. And not because of Gianna, not anymore. But the rest of it. Even after 11 years, it still hurt him badly to think about it. But thinking of it was just a distraction wasn’t it? Because Gianna had nothing to do with Vivian. He had felt like his life had ended the day the private investigator had come back with the news of her incredible dishonesty, but it hadn’t. Here he was, more than a decade later, still alive. And for the first time in that long, he was contemplating what a woman meant to him. So contemplate it, he growled inside his head. Yes, he did like Vivian. A lot. In fact, he couldn’t think of anything that he didn’t like about her right now.
Was he prepared for the complications of just sex if that’s all it turned out to be? No. He wasn’t. Not with her. 10 years ago he would have said hell yeah, why not, but he’d learned a thing or two in the last decade. For one, he’d learned just sex was almost never worth it with people in your social circle. No matter how much he wanted her. At least that’s what he told himself, out here, in the cool night air, with no warm, soft Vivian within his reach.
Was he prepared for a relationship again? Nothing came to his mind. He asked the question again, expecting protest. Am I prepared to be in a relationship, with a woman? But the protest didn’t materialize. He didn’t feel fear. His mind wasn’t rebelling. In fact, did he feel a faint sense of excitement? A sense of being alive?
Hawk shook his head. Man he was difficult sometimes. He glanced back towards the cabin, wondering if Vivian was packing again. He’d better get in there quickly. He screwed up his courage. Now for the harder part.
He strode quickly toward the house, scanning the room once he got inside. Vivian was sitting on the couch with her tablet. She didn’t look up when he came in.
He walked to the table and sat down, slightly out of her view. This might be easier if she wasn’t looking at him. He studied her. The curve of her neck. The way her hair cascaded over her shoulder. He felt his wilting erection jerk slightly again, but told it to calm down.
“Vivian, please accept my apology again. I… Your… Our kiss sparked some old feelings in me that I had to work out before we went any farther.”
“Oh, and did you?” Her voice was cool, her eyes still on her tablet.
“I did. I think. I tried anyway. It’s not so easy when you’ve been avoiding your feelings for over a decade like I have.”
She looked at him now, concern in her eyes, but didn’t say anything.
“I think you deserve to know why I’ve been such an ass to you in the past, and why I pulled away from you today.”
She nodded slightly.
He sighed. “Do you mind if I get a beer out of the fridge? This might take a while.”
She didn’t say anything. He took that as a yes and grabbed himself a beer, bringing her one too, in case. If she didn’t want it, he’d get to it soon enough. She took it though. He took a long swallow of his and jumped in with both feet.
“Did you know I haven’t been in a relationship for 11 years?”
He steeled himself for her to say “I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want to fuck,” or something like that. He had no idea if she would say something like that, ever, but if she did, it was all over for him. The thought of those words coming out of her refined mouth made him crazy. He wouldn’t be able to help himself, consequences be damned. From some women those words would be a turn-off. A sure sign that they jumped into bed with every dog that sniffed ‘round their door. From someone like Vivian though, words like that would mean something special was about to happen. Something a man just didn’t turn down because it might complicate things.
She didn’t say it though, she only blinked and stared at him with those big, gorgeous eyes.
“11 years is a long time,” She finally said, spurring him to go on.
“Yeah.” Hawk took another long swallow and rubbed his face. He needed a shave.
“There was a woman,” he started. “She hurt me pretty badly,” he managed to say before his throat squeezed shut.
He looked up at her, looking for help to go on.
“Do I remind you of her?” Vivian asked softly, encouragingly.
He smiled a small smile, relieved. “You did. You look a bit like her, your hair, your body type. There’s something in the way you carry yourself that’s a bit like her. But the more I get to know you, the more I realize you aren’t anything like her.” He had to stop again. He took a few swallows of beer, trying to loosen his throat muscles.
Vivian smiled back. “Tell me about her. Tell me what she did that hurt you so badly.”
Hawk tried. He opened his mouth. Nothing came out. He’d never told anyone this. He’d never talked about it after he left home for good in 2003. His parents knew the full story, he thought, but not because he’d told them. His heart hurt. Hurt so bad he thought he was having some sort of an attack. The thought of telling Vivian terrified him. But the thought of not telling her terrified him more. He suddenly became afraid that if he didn’t get this out now, he’d live like he’d been living for the last 11 years for the rest of his life. Half-dead. Scared to love. Unable to move on.
“She left me,” he said quietly, startling himself. He took a deep breath and pushed forward. “But that wasn’t the worst of it.”
Now that he had started, the words tumbled out like he couldn’t tell it fast enough. He told about knowing Gianna all through high school but not really liking her or getting to know her then. When he came home from the Army they met one night at a mutual friends house and started dating. He liked her a lot. They dated for almost a year and there were occasional talks about marriage but they both felt they were too young for marriage. They were both in school, Hawk trying to finish his degree so he could become an FBI agent, and Gianna was studying History. She didn’t have any specific goal in mind. She had a trust fund that she had gained access to the year before so she was just taking it easy. They were close. And then her birth control had failed and as luck would have it, she had gotten pregnant. When she told Hawk that she had missed her period, he was scared. But when she took the test and confirmed that yes, she had a baby growing inside her - his baby, he had become jubilant. A baby. He was going to be a father. Every day he became more and more excited. His mother’s sister had young grandkids that she had brought by the house a few times and he loved playing with them. One of his buddies from high school had just had a baby too, and whenever he held that beautiful baby girl with the head full of jet black hair and her dark, watchful eyes he felt peaceful, different. Like she was fresh from Heaven and had brought a bit of magic with her.
Gianna had seemed excited too, at first. They had told all their friends and their parents. Hawk had bought the most expensive cigars he could find and p
opped one into his dad’s mouth, saying, “Have a cigar, grandpa.” They had started to talk and plan. Should they get married before the baby was born? Should they buy a house? Maybe they should wait until he got into the FBI so he knew where he was going to be stationed. Mostly they just lived. Hawk took Gianna to all of her doctor’s appointments, missing school to do so. But when he first heard the baby’s heartbeat he knew he or she was the most important thing in the world. He would never miss any of his or her events.
When Gianna hit 20 weeks, and was starting to get a belly, they had gone for her first ultrasound. They discovered they were having a boy. A boy! All Hawk could think of was names. He found himself considering every boy name he heard, weighing it with his last name, deciding if it was good enough for his son. Over the next week, Gianna seemed different. Distant. She never wanted to talk about their future or about names anymore. They hadn’t come to any true decisions yet and hadn’t even bought anything for the baby. Hawk didn’t want to push her, but he did mention they were halfway there and should figure some stuff out.
And then Gianna had disappeared. Hawk went to her house and she wasn’t there. He went to her parent’s house and they wouldn’t talk to him. The butler told him that Miss Gianna had taken a vacation. His face and voice while he was saying it scared Hawk badly. He called her cell phone for days, but eventually it was turned off. He called her parents for days too. Finally, he caught Gianna’s mother. “Please, Ariella, just tell me where she is.” He felt like he was in a movie, or a soap opera. How in the world could she just take off and leave with his baby and not say anything? Gianna’s mother hung up the phone on him.
Finally, he got a letter from her. She didn’t want to see him ever again. She had moved and didn’t want to hear from him. She had lost the baby and she didn’t know how to tell him. She was sorry.
Hawk had read the letter countless times. She had lost the baby? Their baby? Did that mean the baby was dead? That she had had a miscarriage? At 22 weeks pregnant? He was on complete autopilot for a few days. The letter had come from Virginia, all the way on the other side of the country. He seriously considered flying out there to find her. But he knew if he did he wouldn’t graduate on time. He weighed this very carefully. He wrote back and said please Gianna, please call me. She didn’t.
He kept going to school, and did the best he could under the circumstances. Which wasn’t very well. Finally, he hired a private detective and gave him the P.O. Box from the letter. The private detective had found her in three days. The first thing he reported was that no, she wasn’t pregnant. Hawk knew the next thing he was going to ask for was a violation of Gianna’s privacy, but he didn’t care. He asked the private detective if there was any way he could find out what made Gianna lose the baby. The private detective thought for a moment and said probably, but it will cost you another $2500. Hawk said the check is in the mail.
Here, Hawk stopped talking and looked at Vivian. This was the hard part to share. This was the part that he could barely share with himself. He thought back to that day when the detective called him the final time. He’d been pretending to study. But really what he was doing was waiting for his phone to ring. He’d been waiting for a week. He was sitting in a chair with his books open in front of him, and his phone face up on the desk within reach. He’d read the same sentence over and over again but couldn’t work out what it meant.
Vivian stood up, startling Hawk back to reality. He must have been sitting there, not speaking for a while. She walked around the couch to him, entwined her fingers with his, and pulled him into a standing position. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight.
“You don’t have to say the rest. I can guess what happened,” she told him.
Hawk stayed silent for a beat and tried to let that sink in. Could she really guess what happened? Could she really see the horrible reality?
“I do have to say what happened. Or I should try anyway. I want to.”
“Ok.” She stepped back one step and looked into his eyes, but didn’t drop his hand. She waited patiently.
“She had an abortion.”
Vivian pressed her lips together, but didn’t seem surprised. “What a dreadful betrayal.”
Hawk couldn’t breathe suddenly. A betrayal. That’s part of what it had been for sure. The feeling of not being able to breathe was very similar to the feeling he’d had when he’d finally gotten the news from the private detective. He’d lost it, yelling and screaming in the phone. She’d had an abortion at 22 or 23 weeks? Who did that? That was almost 5 months pregnant for God’s sake. That hadn’t been a blob, a fish-like thing, or a bundle of cells, that had been his son in there! And she’d killed it? And some doctor had let her do it? If she didn’t want the baby, she could have had it and given it to him! She didn’t have to kill it.
Hawk had hung up the phone, knowing the private dick didn’t have any more answers for him. He’d lain on the floor in his room for days, trying not to think. He probably slept a little. He drank some water. He didn’t eat. Some part of him had known though. Some part of him had known as soon as he got the letter that she’d had an abortion. He couldn’t fathom why. And now he didn’t want to know. He didn’t ever want to see Gianna again. He was scared of what he would do if he did. He finally managed to pull himself off the floor and formulated a plan. He went to his teachers and told them all he’d had a death in the family and needed to leave school early. He certainly looked the part, and since they were only a month out from the end of the year and Hawk had been an excellent student, they all agreed to let him test out early. He took his tests, then packed up and left home and never went back.
Hawk let out his breath through pursed lips and looked down at Vivian. A single tear slid down her right cheek. He touched it with his thumb.
She grasped his hand to her cheek and spoke. “That must have torn you apart.”
He dropped his head and looked at the ground, pushing his other hand into his eyes, holding himself together. He didn’t feel any different or better.
Vivian put her hands in his hair and pulled him close to her. “Hawk?” Her voice was tender, sweet, and full of concern.
He didn’t reply. His throat was locked up.
“Hawk, I hope you know I would never think any less of you if you cried. If you just got it all out.”
He shook a little, but didn’t cry.
Chapter 22
Vivian had known as soon as she had seen Hawk pacing in the driveway that he had some deep personal issues to work through. The knowledge made what seemed like his rejection of her hurt a little less. But when he came in and opened up, laid it out for her? That erased every time he’d ever been distant, cold, and brusque with her. Every time he’d left her wondering or pained. Now, with his head in her hands, her mind opened with understanding and her heart broke with his anguish.
Vivian ran her fingers through Hawk’s short dark hair, thrilling at the way his military haircut felt under her fingers. She tried to give him comfort with her touches, hoping he could receive it. No wonder he was so closed up, closed off. She could tell that a part of him had walled off that experience and never examined it again. And there it sat in his mind and body, subtly affecting his every word, his every experience. Grieving is always hard, but it’s the hardest when you don’t do it. She didn’t think Hawk had.
He was an incredibly sensitive man, she thought. Most people probably had no idea how sensitive though, because when you looked at him, all you saw was strength, and brawn. Plus, he must have developed vast coping mechanisms over his lifetime, so much so that he probably didn’t even know how sensitive he was. Sensitive men had to wall off that part of themselves in this day and age. But she could see it in his eyes, and in his heart, hear it in his voice and in his pain. Her mind, body and soul opened up to him while he was not-crying her arms. She knew at once that she loved him, and she didn’t care how it all turned out. All that mattered was that she had this opportunity to try to make things
better for him, right now, just a little bit. No matter how things turned out in the end, and no matter how he felt or didn’t feel about her, she was determined to be here for him now.
His body stilled under her touches. His shoulders relaxed and his breathing slowed. Good, she thought as she pet him like a cat.
Finally he stood straight up, new steel and resolve in his eyes. And something else. A little bit of healing? A piece of himself he had lost? Something. He gave her a soft smile. “About that kiss. I think maybe we did it for the wrong reasons.”
Vivian let that sink in, totally bypassing the flashing, insecure thought that said he doesn’t want me! Of course he wanted her. He had kissed her like he wanted her as much as she wanted him. He was just scared, nervous, not wanting to do the wrong thing.
She smiled a coy smile up at him and teased, “oh, what are the right reasons to kiss?”
His mouth dropped in a perfect O of surprise and she almost laughed at him. He thought she was just going to say “OK” and retreat to her room to contemplate his wisdom. Well she wasn’t. She had pledged, in her own mind, to be there for him, no matter what he needed. And right now she couldn’t think of anything he needed more than some hot and rough sex with a woman who loved him. Or maybe some slow and sweet sex. She didn’t care how it happened. She liked both ways. And after, when this heat between them was burned off, maybe she could get him to talk a little more. Open up a little more. Heal a little more.
“Can you think of any good reasons to kiss?” she asked him again. “Because I sure do want to kiss you again.” She felt a blush creep up her throat to her hairline. She had never talked like this to a man before; generally she was the quiet, reserved type. But she kept her eyes glued to his and told him with every cell in her body that she wanted him and she would be good for him. Now he just need to make his choice.
