I don’t call him. I like to think I’m stronger than that. Tapping his name, I send him a text: They played your song at my party tonight.
It’s 2 a.m., so I don’t expect him to reply.
His response: I am everywhere. And then another right away. I hope you danced.
We’ve held fast to the decision we made two years ago. Friendship only. The year before I left to travel was difficult—my body and heart wanting nothing more than to stay wrapped up in his arms. Right around the time when I felt like there was no way I could keep my promise, and honor the only decent decision I’ve made regarding Ben, my mother told me to get the hell out of here. In the nicest, I’m your mom, and I want what’s best for you, type of way.
Then the year away changed everything and I knew I’d finally gotten over my hang-up on the man, the myth, the Benny. I don’t need him to complete me like I once thought. I never needed any man for that. The best thing you can do when you’re lost in a sea of doubt? Get lost in another country by yourself. If you can’t travel to another country, drive a few cities over, park your car, and wander. Listen. Open your heart to the possibility of being enough on your own.
See you at Ma’s on Sunday? Ben texts again. I glance at my lap and smile. Ma is my mom, not his.
I’m making dinner Sunday! Come early and help me. I send back.
Done. I need to get some sleep. Gotta be up in a couple hours. Text me when you get home. Is the Uber driver a creepy fuck?
We round the corner to my neighborhood as I reply. Ha. Ha. No. Seems a nice lad. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Wait! How did you know my boyfriend wasn’t driving me home?
The gray bubble pops up as he types his response and then disappears when he deletes whatever he was going to send. I wait. We pull into my drive and Ben still doesn’t text back, so I pocket my phone. Thanking the driver, I wait for him to pull away to unlock my front door and go inside. I shower because my hair smells like stale cigarettes and I have raccoon eyes. It’s almost 3:30 a.m. when I finally down some Tylenol and crash into bed. My sheets are cool against my bare legs, and the temptation to check my laptop for a message from Mancandy is strong.
Luckily the vodka is stronger, and I fall asleep a few seconds later.
Fate Ballet
Harper
I took too long to get ready, so I’m arriving at Black’s Beach ten minutes late. Now that I’m sober and the prospect of meeting a stranger looms large, I’m fucking terrified. “What was I thinking?” Multiple times throughout the day I thought about messaging Mancandy to tell him something came up. I’m not sure why I didn’t. Some niggling sense of curiosity, I suppose. I don’t even know his name.
When I pull into a parking spot, I text Martina, my mom, and Janine just to be safe. I’m officially accounted for. I tell them the bare minimum, hoping I don’t alarm anyone so much that they follow me down here. Martina texts back, Text/Call if you need a quick exit. I’m getting a bikini wax right now. That can turn into a bad case of herpes at the free clinic if the situation requires it.
I text back a joke about her bikini line being more of a priority than my rescue. I pop my trunk and find my beach bag. It has one of those blankets that doesn’t let sand sit on top and a novel I’ve been trying to finish for the last few weeks. I toss the book back in my trunk and stuff a towel inside instead. I lock my car door, and a message from my Mom pings:
Have fun.
God, Mom, I think, shouldn’t you be at least a little concerned? That’s the point where we are in our lives. She wants grandbabies. Well, she wants me to be happy with someone and grandbabies would be a nice side dish. She’s telling me to have fun with a potential serial killer with little regard for my well-being.
Thanks, Mom. I text back, while making my way down the trail that leads to the beach. Thinking about what my mother must think of me at this point in my life keeps my nerves at bay for a second. As soon as I put my phone away, my heart moves into cardio zone. “Candy Apple Red,” I whisper to myself, shielding my eyes from the sun to scan the part of the beach visible from my location. Sliding off my flip-flops, I slip them into my bag and step into the packed sand.
Nothing. No red shirts. I keep walking. I see a family with a golden retriever running around the beach turning his fur a dusty black color, a stick in his smiling mouth. There’s a woman and her little boy, an older man walking, a fanny pack strapped to his waist, and a woman running. Narrowing my eyes, I let my gaze wander farther down.
“If I get stood up by a man with Candy in his name I’m buying a pair of cats,” I mutter under my breath. There’s a white gazebo set up, which is completely out of place for this beach, so I head in that direction. It’s far from the place he told me to park, so I’m not holding my breath. I make up a song in my head, one that’s in the tune of a Katy Perry song. The chorus is, Harper is harebrained harlot.
It passes the time as I walk. “I should have brought my book,” I say when I begin to shame spiral. I pull out my cell phone and check my social media accounts to pass my walk. A friendly speed walker wishes me a good day. I respond with a smile and like a photo of my friend’s new baby. It looks like a little alien wearing pink sitting in a spaceship. I scroll down a little further and see a photo posted by Marcus’ wife. She’s tagged him, so I’m able to view it. The caption reads, #tbt #bestdayofmylife. “Puke,” I groan, thumbing down immediately. Next is a picture of my father in the garden, holding up a tomato. They planted a few things and it looks like he got over a case of the black thumb. I type in a comment, Way to go, Dad!
I shunned social media all through college and a bit after, but then it got to a point where I was missing too much by not being on it. Marcus’ Instagram photo scandal is what spurred me to be a little more conscious about the social interweb world. It was one more way for me to try to fit in better and connect in a disconnected world.
I look up to see how far I have to go and to scour for a red, muscle filled shirt, if I’m being completely honest. The white cabana is empty but for a large lounge chair and a table in one corner. The white curtains billow against a slight breeze and my phone pings an alert.
I look down and click the red number one. It’s a tagged photo from Benjamin Brahams. It’s a photo of a beach. Black’s Beach. He’s added two stick figures using the draw feature. The caption reads, Fate Ballet.
“You weren’t supposed to see that yet,” Ben says, his voice coming from beside me.
Jumping, I let out a little scream, and then recover by covering my mouth and dropping my cell phone into the sand. “What are you doing here?” I ask.
Ben picks up my phone and hands it to me. His fingers brush mine as he sets it in my palm. “Conducting a ballet. It’s so hard to get my dancers to do what I want, though.”
I wrinkle my brow and smile. “You’re insane,” I remark, looking behind me. “Seriously. How did you know I was going to be here?”
“You’re serious, Harper? Really? You don’t know? I mean, I knew there was a possibility you weren’t one hundred percent sure, but I figured you’d be a little more intuitive.” Ben extends his hand. “Mancandy. Nice to meet you.”
“What? No way.” I step away from him. Like he’s some criminal who’s meddled in my files or stolen my email password or something. “There’s no way. No fucking way. We were a perfect match. The program said so.”
He extends one bulky arm to the cabana. “Welcome to the Fate Ballet, Harper Rosehall. Where every part of the dance has been leading up to a grand finale. I know we’re perfect for each other. You know we’re perfect for each other. The fail proof computer program knows it too. Your mom told me you were doing some stupid online dating site.”
Swallowing down this insane truth, I walk to the lounge chair and sit down. Ben sits next to me, his red shorts glaring against the white fabric.
“I knew which one you’d use and I joined too. Figured if someone else told you we were meant to be, you’d believe it. There was never any doubt in my mind.”
He clears his throat.
“This can’t be real. You hacked the system. You had to have. There was nothing in there about me. How did you know it was me?”
He laughs, his angled, perfect jaw tilting back a touch. “I’ll always know it’s you,” he says. “You’re back now.” Ben strokes the side of my face, his fingers a feather touch on my skin, but a heavy bowling ball to my soul. “I’ve missed seeing you.”
“Fate is a pretty superfluous word for you to use,” I say, straightening my thoughts. “Not a word my Ben would use.”
He shrugs. “Maybe I’m not your Ben anymore. I’m Mancandy,” he says, extending his hand. “It’s nice to meet you. What was your name again? Amour?”
“You want to start over?” I ask. “I don’t see how that’s possible.”
“Anything is possible. We aren’t getting any younger,” Ben says, looking at the ocean and then back at me. White hairs have started peppering his temples and sadness fills my heart for all of the years that have passed since we fell in love and did nothing about it. “Before you tell me nothing has changed in two years, I beg to differ. A computer matched you to me, and the statistics of that happening are a million to one. Don’t say no to the computer, Harper.”
“How do you know my name?” I smirk.
Ben slides closer to me. “You look like a Harper, that’s all.”
“I think a fresh start is the only way to make something as complicated as this work out, and I don’t have the first clue as to how to make that happen,” I admit, looking at him. Shaking my head, I go on, “I still can’t believe you wrote those messages. Well, I can and I can’t. I’m still looking for a dude in a red shirt.”
Ben smiles, but it’s sad. “I’m tired. I’m so, so tired. It doesn’t have to be complicated. You’ll agree to a fresh start? Something new and different? You and me?”
Biting my lip, I try not to get upset. I’ve pushed these emotions away for years and years. It was my armor. My security. My heart’s way of protecting what has never been a wise choice. I shake my head. “Our past, though. How? How do you overcome that? We’ll never forget that. Don’t fool yourself. It will always be there. How do you propose we make a fresh start?”
It’s now that a traitorous tear sneaks out of the corner of my eye. Norah and Robin. Marcus. The space between us and our friendship. Big pink balloons at airports. Almost kisses. First ones. Last ones. Then before that, stalwart friendship. Fights and games. Basketball. Push and pull. Give and take. Loss and grief.
Ben brings a thumb up and swipes at the tear. So many tears over this. Over us. “Funny you mention it,” Ben says, shifting in the chair next to me. His shoulder bumps into mine. “I have a proposition for you.”
Ben kneels next to the chair and that’s when I lose it completely. These aren’t tears of sadness and regret that have washed my face so many times in the past. They’re happy tears falling over a smile so bright it’s making my face hurt.
Ben shakes his head. “I’m going to keep this real short, Harp, okay?”
He opens the box to expose my great-great-grandmother’s engagement ring. It’s exactly the same as I remember. A piece of jewelry I’ve always admired inside my mother’s chest. Benny and I played wedding one day long ago and I stole it from her room to use. Ben almost dropped it down the air conditioner vent when he went to put it on my finger.
“Don’t want to drop it,” I whisper.
Ben nods, taking in a huge breath—a man unsure of the outcome. “One question, about our fresh start then.”
Wiping my eyes, I clear the pooling tears from my line of vision. I want clarity in this moment. I stay silent, waiting. Wondering if this is all one sick twisted joke. In my dreams this happened ten years ago.
“Now or never,” Ben says, removing the ring from the black velvet. “That’s the question.” Holding my left hand, he hovers next to my ring finger.
I nod. “Now,” I say. “Always now. Never never.”
Ben slips the ring on my finger, a perfect fit. I can’t take my eyes off his gaze to admire the ring because he’s looking at me with such a fullness that my heart aches. Not a happy ache either.
A finally ache. A lifetime of love culminating in one good decision.
A decision a computer made.
“Fate Ballet,” Ben says, eyes glassing over, arms pulling me into a strong embrace.
“Now,” I say once again.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ben
So much time has been wasted. I can’t even call the decisions that kept us apart bad. Life kept us apart regardless of how much we wanted to be together. We aren’t wasting another goddamned second.
“What if you get called away last minute? What if you can’t make your own wedding, Ben Brahams?” Harper squeaks out underneath my body.
I raise one brow. “Someone can fill in for me,” I reply, dipping my head to kiss the hollow of her neck. “Like they have for the past few weeks.” I had to take time off work for the first time in a decade merely to get my fill of Harper. I wouldn’t be able to focus properly had I not taken the time to relax and just be with her in all ways. My mind has never been in a better place. With the truth came this calm clarity.
Harper grabs my arms and pushes me back to a kneeling position. I moved into her house the same night I proposed. She was a little stymied I already had my stuff packed, but when I told her I put all my money on black, she had to appreciate my herculean effort to claim what I wanted and rode me on my living room floor, front door wide-open.
She scrambles up to kiss my mouth, her tongue dipping in and out, teasing me, and then runs her mouth down my pecs, abs, and down to my dick. She takes it into her mouth. I groan out a long string of curse words mixed with her name. I lay my hand gently on her head as she bobs up and down, but I don’t push down. She hates that. Harper sucks and licks at her own pace that just so happens to be frightfully maddening.
“I need to be inside you, Harp,” I say. “We don’t have enough time for this.”
I have to go to my parents’ house for the night so we don’t spend the night before our wedding together. As it stands three of Harper’s friends and her mom are in the kitchen behind our closed door. We’re supposed to be in here working on our vows, but we’ve done nothing but each other in the two hours the door has been locked.
“There’s always time for this,” Harper mumbles around my cock. She sits up. “But I’d rather like it if you were inside me.”
My dick jerks. “You’re speaking my love language,” I exclaim. Harper presses a finger over my lips. “Quiet, they’ll hear you.”
I roll my eyes. “They heard your second orgasm when my tongue was fucking your pussy then, too.”
“My God. Say that again. I’ll come a third time,” Harper says, smirking. “I mean it,” she adds when I don’t speak.
I say it again, whispered in her ear, while dipping a finger inside her slit. Sliding closer to her, on my knees, I push my cock down so I can rub her clit with the head of my dick. “This is what you want?”
“Yes,” Harper moans. “I want it now.”
Her face is flushed and she has red beard stubble rash everywhere. I’m so fully all over her body that looking at her is the ultimate turn-on. Harper is mine. Tomorrow she will be mine in the only other way she’s not. Officially. For the rest of time, I’ll get the girl I’ve wanted my entire life.
Harper reaches between her legs and guides me into her, leaning her body to position my cock deeper. She opens her eyes to meet mine. “Now,” she says, a ghost of a smirk dancing on her lips.
Grabbing her hips to take some of her weight, I fuck her, watching my dick disappear as I fill her. She clenches around me as I rub her G-spot from this position. I go slow, taking it in, appreciating everything happening in front of me. I’ll never get tired of this, will never take Harper and our connection for granted again.
“How does that feel?” I ask, trying to control my breaths. The urge to come i
s always there if she’s naked and in front of me, but when I’m watching my dick spike into her cunt, it’s another world desire. Filling her with my come is the only thing I can think of after she orgasms around my dick.
I want her to have my babies. I want to see her round with my children. See how she changes over the years, time granting me the ability to love her in all of the phases of life we have left. She went off birth control the day we planned the wedding two weeks ago.
“It feels good. Rub me like that. I’m going to come so hard,” Harper says, trying to keep her voice down. She realizes she didn’t speak quietly and throws a hand over her mouth.
I keep up the slow assault on her until I can tell she’s about to go out of her mind. She circles her hips and that provides a completely different sensation and I groan. “Keep doing that and I’m going to come before you,” I whisper, but it comes out like more of a growl, through clenched teeth. “Stop. No, don’t stop, keep doing it.”
Harper smiles, eyes narrowed, happy her little game is driving me insane. “I want you to fill me with your come, though. All of it. Fuck me,” Harper says, using her tongue to trace the bottom of her lip. My mouth goes fucking dry as I alternate my gaze between her hot snatch eating my dick, and her face, which might be just as much of a turn-on.
“Your filthy mouth makes me want to come down your throat,” I say, using my thumb to rub her clit in tight small circles. Harper’s leg muscles tighten and her eyes fall closed. Then she comes, her pussy grabbing onto my cock like a death grip. Once the waves of her orgasm subside, I thrust into her deeply and change position so she’s fully on her back and I’m on top of her. “But I want to come in your pussy more.”
My pace doesn’t match my words. I’m slowly gliding in and out, while my lips play with hers. Opening and shutting in a passionate kiss, our tongues dancing in a way that lets us know we were made for each other. “Come in me,” she says, words a breathless plea. “I want you to be a part of me.”
Life Plus One Page 20
