by Sam Mariano
Derek and I don’t have a future, we only have a past, and as many times as I choose to relive it with him, it’s always going to end the same way—with me alone, and my heart in a million shattered pieces.
Chapter Twenty Seven
It’s easier to go home after last night.
It’s easier to sit down at my office chair, fire up my computer, and get lost in my work.
I comb through the proofreader applications with disinterest. Derek had me all fired up to reorganize my life, to get a little more help and free myself up to have a life, but right now I don’t want free time. My work started to feel like an albatross around my neck, keeping me from the great, full life I could be living, but today I have clarity. Today my work looks like exactly what I built it to be—my safe place, something I enjoy that occupies my time and energy, and keeps my ass out of trouble.
I don’t hire a proofreader, and I don’t delegate to Louise this week. I work my ass off from the time my eyes open until the time I go to bed. When I finish catching up and actually have an hour of downtime before bed, I sink it into working on edits for Dreamcatcher. I’m glad I finished the meat of that story before now. I’m sure the desire to work on it would come back to me, but for now, it’s gone. I don’t want to write about people in love, and I don’t know when or if I will again. Maybe my muse will always come and go, or maybe my fourth book is the last one I will ever write. I’m fine with either outcome, really.
Once Derek fades back out of my life, I know there will be a stretch of time where I’m emotionally vacant, where the heart I’ve fought so desperately to keep him out of will ache every time it beats. I’ll need to keep busy, otherwise I’ll just be sad. I’ll get through it, and I’ll start over again. At least I’ll still have my life. I’ll only have to pick up the pieces of my heart. I’ll be okay.
Like a storm that’s already brewing, I know it’s coming, I just don’t know when.
He texts me casually Monday and Tuesday, but the interactions are lackluster. We both know we’re fucked; he’s trying to ignore it harder, but I don’t put much effort into it.
Wednesday evening he sends me a video of Cassidy ripping into her box of new books.
Thursday night he sends me a video of Cassidy informing him she wants me to read the bedtime story tonight, not him. Nice try, Derek.
Once Cassidy is in bed, he texts me some more, asking if I’m still coming out tomorrow. The thing is, I really don’t want to. When I left on Sunday, I wanted to leave. There’s a big difference between last week and this week. Last week, I was afraid he might break my heart again if things got too hard.
This week, I know he would.
I don’t even resent him for it this time. I’m no longer angry. I completely understand. Cassidy isn’t even mine, I’ve only been in her life a very short time, and already it makes me tear up to think of never seeing her again. She’s Derek’s daughter. He’s absolutely right to put her first, but that it’s justified doesn’t make it any less agonizing for me.
Instead of saying any of that, I tell him I’m too busy. I can’t get away this weekend. I have edits to work on, my own stuff to deal with.
“One night?” he asks. “You can’t spare just one night?”
“No. I’m sorry.”
He goes quiet for a while. I know this is the end, I just don’t know how long “the end” will take to run its course this time.
Instead of accepting my excuse, he texts me a few minutes later. “How about this? Cassie and I will come pick you up, that way you can work the whole drive here, and the whole drive back.”
I’m sure he knows the drive isn’t the issue, so I’m sure he’s not surprised when I tell him no again.
“Please? My friends are having a cook-out this weekend. Cassie’s excited about going, otherwise I’d say we could just come to you this weekend. It’ll be fun. Come with us.”
“I don’t have time, and no offense, but I don’t want to hang out with your friends.”
“You need to come this weekend, Nikki. It’s important.”
“Why is it so important?” I ask him.
“Because I’m afraid if you don’t come back this weekend, you never will,” he replies, more honestly than I expected.
I stare at that text message for a long time, not knowing what to send back.
I take long enough that Derek continues, “It’s not fair that you waited until right before you left to have that conversation. That’s not the note I wanted to leave things on.”
I sigh, my fingers hovering over the rows of letters, but I can’t make any words. I don’t have anything more to say. It sucks, it’s going to hurt like hell, but this isn’t a maybe anymore. It’s a no. There is no part of me that can see a future with him anymore. It doesn’t matter how much I wanted it, it doesn’t matter how hard I fought for it. It doesn’t matter that my heart waited for him, it doesn’t matter that I never stopped loving him, it doesn’t even matter that I never will. Derek and I were not cut out for forever. Maybe we could have been in another lifetime, but not this one. Not the one where he knocked up Kayla. That is our dealbreaker, he just doesn’t want to admit it.
I don’t want to live in denial, imagining that will never matter. I did all that before, and I’m done. I don’t know how to leave him. I wish he would just quietly accept that I’m already gone, and let it fizzle out instead of going out in a painful explosion this time. I don’t want another goodbye. I barely survived the first one.
I just want to exit this situation with as little pain as possible, and he isn’t going to let me.
“I can’t, Derek.”
“You can’t what?” he asks.
My hands tremble slightly, but I guess I might as well just say it. “This isn’t going to work. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
“Nikki, please do not do this.”
“It’s already done. I’m so sorry, I really am,” I send back.
“It is NOT done. We are not done. You told me to fight for you, and dammit, I am. You’re the one giving up now.”
“You’re right, I am. I’ll be the bad guy this time.”
“I am not letting you do this,” he replies. “I know I didn’t say what you needed to hear Saturday night and I’m sorry, but this is an overreaction.”
Tears blur my vision, but I’ve said what I need to say. There’s little point in talking it out. Nothing he says will change my mind.
He calls 15 times and I ignore every last call. The 16th time, he leaves a voice mail. I don’t check it. He starts texting me again, so I turn my phone off.
My whole face seems to burn as tears well up in my eyes. It doesn’t matter. I knew it would hurt, so this is no surprise. I try to push my feelings down and work, but I can’t.
Finally, I give up and go to bed. I know I won’t fall asleep, I know I’ll just sob until I’m empty like I did before, but that’s all right. It’s all part of the process. I need to cleanse myself of Derek while it hurts a survivable amount.
---
I’m on autopilot this morning, sipping my coffee to try to stay awake. I went to bed early last night, but my mind was too full, the temptation to turn my phone on and read the texts too strong. I read them, and then it was hard not to respond. He offers me so many promises now, but I know he’s not good for them. Like Henry said, no one can give you guarantees—especially not Derek, even though he desperately wants to. I could write someone a check for a million dollars, but it wouldn’t do them any good if they tried to cash it. That’s what Derek’s promises are like—bad checks.
Even though this isn’t agonizing pain, it hurts enough that I’m struggling to focus. My mind is shot. I’m doing mindless tasks right now, booking promo and assembling packets. Dreamcatcher edits will have to wait until I get my head on straight. Surely I won’t feel this empty for too long.
Maybe.
God, what if I do? All these years I’ve wondered what life with Derek would be like, but now I know. For six
years, I’ve harbored dead-end fantasies of what might happen if we ever crossed paths again, but now we have, and now the door to our future is slammed shut and closed forever. I have less hope about everything now than I had before. I really feel like I’ll never love again, but I’m not sure I mind. Love is a hard, terrible, risky thing. Living is for other people. I’m not sure I like it enough to justify the cost. I’ll just sit here at my desk and watch life pass me by. That has felt much better than this.
Now instead of dreams of seeing Derek again, I’ll have nightmares. Visions of Derek’s life going on without me, of him finally letting me go and moving on with someone less versed in his brand of destruction, some heart-eyed innocent who doesn’t know he can rip her heart open and make her hurt so badly, she’ll wish for the peace and safety of a non-life.
I’m jealous of her already. I wish I had that ignorance. I wish I could take a chance on him, blissfully unaware. I wish my heart hadn’t already learned so many lessons from him.
I know better now, that’s the problem.
I thought he was the love of my life when I was 18, but now I know he’s just the destroyer. The wrecker of my dreams, even if he doesn’t mean to.
I can’t afford to invest a single second more in Derek Noble. I am bankrupt. I have nothing more to give anyone.
Clicking send on the email I just put together, I sit back in my chair and try to find the will to move on to the next task.
My doorbell rings, then there’s a knock. My eyes move to the front door, my stomach sinking with dread. I don’t have Louise or Nadia coming in today. I’m not expecting take-out, because the thought of eating makes me want to throw up.
I pull myself up with considerable effort and trudge across the hardwood floor, unlocking my front door, and then pulling it open.
Derek is standing on my front porch. Cassidy is grinning up at me, her big blue eyes flashing with enthusiasm. “Hi, Nikki!”
I meet Derek’s gaze, dead-eyed. “What are you doing?”
Cassidy takes in the sight of my cat pajamas, then frowns up at me. “How come you’re not ready? We gotta go to the pool party!”
I shake my head, looking back at Derek. “You told her I was going to the party.”
Cassidy chimes in with, “Need me to help you pick out an outfit?” Then, as if I said yes, she squeezes beside me and heads down the hall. “Where’s your bedroom at?”
“What is wrong with you?” I whisper-scream at Derek.
“No one has written up a comprehensive list yet,” he tells me, stepping forward until I step out of the way.
“I am not going to that pool party,” I tell him.
Grimacing, he says, “Kinda already told Cassie you were. She’s going to be real disappointed if you cancel after she sat through that three hour drive to come pick you up.”
Sighing, I glare at him. “It’s not canceling when I already told you no.”
“Maybe I misunderstood,” he offers.
“Maybe you’re full of shit,” I offer back.
He smiles, catching me around the waist and tugging me close. “Maybe. Can I have a kiss anyway? I mean, I’m already here.”
I want to kill him for being a manipulative bastard, but I also want to melt against his hard chest, feel his strong arms lock around me, and let him kiss me senseless. Derek makes life so confusing.
“Damn you, Derek,” I say, shaking my head at him.
“I know,” he murmurs, bending his head so he can brush his devious lips against mine.
“You’re terrible,” I murmur against his lips.
“The worst,” he agrees.
Sighing, I relent, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him. “This was an appalling thing to do. I’m not going to disappoint Cassidy, but this was bad. You can never do this to me again. What if I really had been too busy to go?”
“You’re not. You’re just trying to run away from me.”
“That’s not the point. That’s my choice to make. You can’t use Cassidy against me like this.”
“Then stop trying to break up with me,” he says, like his actions are justified.
“We aren’t together,” I mutter.
Releasing me from his embrace, he swats me on the ass. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go get dressed, fuck buddy.”
I shake my head, looking at him over my shoulder as I head across the living room. “The. Worst.”
Chapter Twenty Eight
“We should’ve bringed my baby, I bet she would like the pool.”
I clutch Cassidy’s beach bag closer, watching with anxiety as Derek drives down the tree-lined street toward my doom. Each pretty house has greener grass than the one before it, and I’m just waiting for him to slow down and hit the turn signal.
“Your baby doesn’t know how to swim,” Derek tells Cassidy.
“But we could teach her,” Cassidy objects. “My baby likes to go outside and play. She really likes cook-outs a lot.”
“Does your baby have a name?” I ask, glancing back at Cassidy.
“Yep. Little Baby Diva. We should get her a bathing suit.”
“I think you’re done getting new toys until your birthday,” Derek tells Cassidy, hitting the dreaded turn signal. “You fleeced Nikki last time we all went to the store.”
“I didn’t fleece her,” she objects. Missing a beat, she says, “What’s fleece mean?”
“It means you swindled her,” Derek says, winking at me.
Sighing loudly, she says, “I don’t know what that means either!”
He feigns shock. “What? You need to read more books,” he tells her.
“You’re silly, Daddy. Nikki already bought me new books,” Cassidy tells him.
“That was nice of her, huh?” he asks, hitting the turn signal and slowing down in front of a little white house.
Cassidy gasps, looking out the window. “Are we finally here? Yay!”
I am feeling much less yay about the situation. I might as well be in high school all over again, except back then I was never invited to parties. I’m not invited to this one either, Derek is just dragging me along. This is going to be so weird, I already can’t handle it.
I grab the big pink and orange beach bag and climb out of the truck. Derek already let Cassidy out, and she runs around to my side, tapping the bag. “Can I have my Fruit Roll-Ups, please? I wanna give them to my friends.”
I open the bag and draw out the box, handing it over. “There you go.”
“Thanks Nikki,” she hollers, already running away toward the small group of children gathered around a blow-up pool in the yard.
When I make it to the front of the car, Derek pulls me close and holds onto my hip as we walk. “It’ll be fun,” he assures me.
Smiling faintly, I tell him, “You and I have very different ideas of fun.”
“Derek,” someone calls from inside the garage. I look up and see a woman waving, standing and adjusting her bikini as she heads toward us.
This was a terrible idea. I am not ready for this today. The blonde woman looks at me with a big grin on her face. “And who is this?”
Before she gets to us, Derek murmurs only for me, “This is Sienna, she’s Simon’s fiancée. She didn’t go to school with us.” Another woman comes out when she hears that question. “That’s—” Before he can answer, two more women follow. “Aw, shit, they’re swarming.”
All four woman approach—a blonde, two brunettes, and a redhead. Sienna is the blonde, and she introduces herself first.
“Joanna,” the redhead says, thrusting her hand at me, a big smile on her face. “I’m Tommy’s wife. The two little boys running around trying to impress Cassie over there are ours.”
I glance over to see Cassidy sitting on the lawn with her box of Fruit Roll-Ups. Girls sit gathered around her and two dark-haired boys run around in front of them, like Cassidy is holding court and they’re the entertainment.
One of the brunettes has a mom bob. She’s wearing a tank top and khaki short
s. The brunette next to her is pretty with freckles across the bridge of her nose and wavy brown hair. She’s wearing a skimpy bikini and—whoa, glaring at me so hard, I should probably have burn holes in me.
Forcing a smile as her eyes dance with murder, she asks with manufactured brightness, “And who are you?”
“Uh…”
Derek’s arm around me tightens and he tugs me closer to his body. “This is Nikki. Nikki, this is Sienna, Mallory, Pam, and Joanna already said hi.”
The one who hates my guts already is named Mallory. I have never met her before in my life, so I am a little off-kilter by her clear, vehement dislike of me. I remember Pam from school, she was dating one of Derek’s friends. I don’t remember which one. If she remembers me, I certainly can’t tell. Nothing like familiarity or recognition crosses her face, but it’s not like I ever spent time with these people, so I don’t expect her to remember me. I know Ryan recognized my name at the restaurant, but maybe it was because I introduced myself as “Nikki Harmon” instead of just Nikki.
“Is Cassie playing already?” Mallory asks, looking over in the yard. “Oh, I better go say hi. I just love that little girl. Cute as a button.” Reaching her hand forward, she touches Derek’s bicep as she moves past. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
He ignores her completely, like she didn’t even speak to him.
Her gaze drops with clear disappointment, but she forces a smile and goes bouncing off toward Cassidy to say hi.
Oh, great. That’s why she hates me. I slide a look at Derek to let him know as soon as we get away from this swarm of women, I will be expecting details, but he’s not looking at me. I look past him and watch Mallory squat down and hold up her hand to Cassidy for a high five. I struggle not to run over there, grab a fistful of her wavy hair, and tell her to stay away from not-my-boyfriend and not-my-kid.
Oh, boy. This is not going to be fun. We’ve been here for ten seconds and I’m already jealous of some chick Derek must have history with.
