“Hundreds. They’re emailing the invitations. It seems that Wednesday’s are good days for weddings since most people book the weekends. So the church is booked and the reception is at the Pan Pacific. West Van Florists will do the flowers. The women made all the arrangements yesterday before he even asked her. She knew it was coming since he’d already declared his love. Maya and Julia have been on the phones nonstop. And I’ve been polishing the cars. We’ll all be dead from exhaustion soon.”
“I won’t be. I’m not going.”
Tony took a fatherly stand. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you, Charlie. You have to go. You’ll break Jack’s heart if you don’t. It’s not optional.”
”You don’t get it, Tony. Richard hates me. And I’m not crazy about him either.”
“He’s a little jealous that’s all. You’re too close to the woman he loves. Which reminds me. I need to ask a big favor. The women are too busy to go with Jillian today. I need you to go with her and help pick out the gown. And whatever else she needs.”
“Tony!” I hollered. “Why don’t you just stick a hot poker in my eye?”
“I know it’s torture for you, Charlie. You love her. But you have to let her go. Gracefully.”
“Are you new? You know I’m the poorest loser on the planet. You know my philosophy on that one. Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser. Give her up gracefully? Bullshit.”
“Thank you, Charlie. I’ll drop the two of you off and you can call me when you’re done. Have lunch together. Enjoy your day. You’ll not get another chance anytime soon.”
Luckily, Jillian falls in love easily and thus chose the first wedding gown she tried on. Veil, accessories and shoes took no time either so soon we were seated at The Flying Pig where she flashed her huge tacky diamond.
“I could have bought you diamonds,” I scoffed.
She screwed up her face. “Diamond stars? Edible ones. I like those cookies.”
“You mock me. You think I’m not capable of providing a decent lifestyle for the woman I love.”
“I didn’t say that. It’s not that you can’t you just won’t. You’re so wrapped up in that profession of yours you don’t see anything else.”
“I see plenty. Behind your head there’s a gorgeous woman with spiked pink hair and a pair of great legs. She’s making eyes at me.”
“That’s what I mean! You’re totally superficial. The exterior of a woman is everything to you.” She searched the menu for an expensive bottle of wine. “So you tell me what happens when a breast is removed. Or a leg amputated after a car crash. Or god knows, a face might be marred. I mean, how fast can you run?”
“You give me too much credit.”
“Change my mind. I’m always open to change.”
“Right. Changing trees, maybe. Hugging a different tree today than yesterday. That’s about it.”
“Touché! But don’t forget that I’m an artist. And a good one. A member of the West Coast six. I’m not only about tree hugging, you know.”
“Right. And you sold your last painting when?”
“Last year. They’re all sold. I need to start up again but I haven’t been in the mood. You know. Leonard vanishing. Jack going off to jail, etcetera. Recent events haven’t exactly inspired me, if you know what I mean.”
I did. I also knew her big anonymous client only too well. Jack, in fact, stored several boxes of her ‘inspirations’ in his warehouse.
The server poured the wine and Jillian raised her glass. “To my favorite brother. You are a pain in the ass but I love you.”
I clinked. “I love you too. And I think you’re making a mistake. A big mistake.”
She thrust the palm of her hand in the direction of my face. “Don’t. Don’t start, Charlie. Don’t spoil my happiness. I need you to be happy for me. It means everything. And I have this horrible feeling that you’re going to cause some sort of trouble.”
“Quel moi?” I raised both arms in the air. “When have I ever caused you trouble? I have only ever loved and protected you.”
She widened her hazel eyes. “Really? That’s very interesting. Do you remember my first boyfriend, Nigel? You beat him up.”
“I did. I was protecting you. Nigel wanted into your panties.”
“Maybe I wanted Nigel into my panties. Did you ever think of that?”
I’d thought about it a lot, actually. “No.”
“And then there was Barry. I invited him to our home for one of Jack’s big parties and you slashed the tires on his car.”
“That was never proven.”
“No? Tony saw you do it. I heard him telling Jack in the library that night. They thought it was hysterical.”
I laughed. “It is kind of funny.”
“No, it isn’t funny, Hampton. You acted like a goon.”
“I acted like someone in love.”
She didn’t get me. She didn’t see the unique me.
“I’m not just a guy, you know. I’m a one-of-a-kind guy. I’m the guy who saw a crack in a chair that no one else could see. Or the dog that saw a rainbow only none of the other dogs believed him.”
She stuck her finger down her throat. “How original! Kate and Leopold, I believe. And why didn’t the other dogs believe him?”
I thought about it. “I guess dogs are shortsighted. They can’t see far enough to see a rainbow.”
“Some dogs are shortsighted, you’re right about that. But they’re all color-blind. They didn’t believe him because they knew he couldn’t see colors.”
“Are you calling me a liar?”
She finally laughed. “There was never any hope for us, Hampton. Jack would never let us be. He’s even jealous of our friendship because you’re his Hamster. He sees me as competition. As someone you might straighten up for and get out from under his thumb. What do you think he’d do if we ended up together? Hmm? Why don’t you think about that?”
“We could always beard the lion together.”
She threw her hands in the air. “It’s too late! It’s redundant. I’m getting married in a month. And I need you to love me enough to let me go.”
Chapter Thirty
I LOOKED GOOFY CARRYING A BRIEFCASE but even goofier if kneed to the floor by a hostile nurse. I therefore carried protection on the eve of Jillian’s wedding. Tina was propped up in bed when I arrived and was staring out the window. I put the flowers on her nightstand before giving her arm a squeeze.
“Hey kiddo. I heard you were awake. I knew you were going to make it, you little bat. Soon you’ll be plastering black flowers all over your face again.”
She smiled. “I think I’ve outgrown that phase, Charlie. What do you think?”
“I kinda’ liked it. I actually thought the flowers were tattoos.”
That made her laugh. “They were stencils. I put them on to hide my face.”
“Why would you want to hide such a beautiful face?”
“I’m not beautiful. I’m hardly even pretty. I won’t ever be noticed with my real face.”
I plucked a mirror from her bedside stand. “Take a good look. I know what I see.”
She took a long-lasting look in the mirror, turning her head from side to side. “I guess I’m not that bad.”
“Not that bad? Shiny dark hair, deep blue eyes, and flawless skin. Oh, and a pouty mouth. Not bad, huh? I wouldn’t let you near a football team if I was your dad.”
She handed back the mirror. “I’m starting to remember, Charlie. I’m remembering sitting with you at the bar talking about the dogs.”
“That’s great! Remembering is a very good sign.”
“There’s something more…”
“Don’t try too hard. It’ll come back. Do you know what tomorrow is?”
She nodded. “A sad day for you. Mom told me that Jillian is getting married. They’re going to the wedding. You must be crushed.”
I squeezed her arm. “You’re only a kid. What do you know?”
“Plenty. I’ve had m
y heart broken. More than once. So I know what you’re going through.”
I smiled. “So you think I’m in love with Jillian?”
“Oh, please!”
“Ok. Think what you will.”
She cocked her head. “I’m remembering now. There were two men sitting in a booth discussing business. I‘d sneaked past the bouncer to the washroom and their booth was close by. They were watching you sitting at the bar.”
“And?”
“One guy said something about payback. For something Jack had done. And then the bouncer caught me. Since you’d told him not to let me back in.”
“Trust me. I’ve regretted it. Every single minute of every single day.”
“I needed to tell you what I heard but Matthew wouldn’t wait with me. He wanted to go buy crack. But I had to tell you about these guys. So I found your car and waited for you beside it.”
“You’re a very loyal kid. I don’t deserve you.”
She screwed up her face. “One guy said that Jack had taken something and something would be taken from him. That’s what I heard. Something valuable was going to be taken from Jack. He was pointing to you.”
I parked in Jack’s driveway beside the old Phantom IV. I walked back to the sidewalk and followed the holly hedge to Judge Clark’s front door where I leaned on the bell.
The pompous judge answered in his bathrobe. It was an old worn bathrobe, wine-colored and with a variety of dogs in the pattern, some standing and some upside down. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I came to deliver a message. From your dogs. Hector and Paris. Or Homer. Whatever you called them. Remember the dogs, Judge Clark?”
He opened up the door. “Those dogs are none of your business. They were my dogs. My business.”“
“You’re not very friendly for a guy who tried to have me shot. And tasered. We should make amends don’t you think? To at least have a drink together. You know, since you had your own daughter shot.”
With a flushed face he motioned me in.
“I’ll have whisky. Like my dad, Jack.”
I followed him down a long hallway of Ted Harrison paintings to a sunroom overlooking the city and ocean below. “Make mine big.”
He complied.
“Cheers, Judge Clark. I’d like to propose a toast. To improved relationships. Because I think enough people have been hurt. Wouldn’t you agree?” I walked to the windows while he plunked his old bottom down on a cushioned wicker chair. He looked tuckered out so I figured it wouldn’t take much to scare him to death.
He sipped his scotch. “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”
“I’m tired of being the object of your revenge and having others suffer for it. And I’m not interested in evening the score although I will if I have to.”
He looked a little scared. “You don’t frighten me. And you needn’t come in here making threats. May I remind you that you are a guest in my home?”
“And Judith’s. Is the good lady home?”
“She’s having her hair done.”
I smiled. “Ironic, isn’t it? You’re attending the wedding of your neighbor’s daughter when you tried so hard to kill his son.”
“You’re not his real son. You’re an orphan.”
“Thank you for that. I didn’t know.” I guzzled my whisky.
He narrowed his beady eyes. “What exactly do you want from me, Charlie?”
“Peace. That’s all.”
He shrugged his little shoulders. “I have nothing to confess.”
“I didn’t ask for a confession. What I’m asking for is a truce. No more guns. Taser or otherwise.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I took to the wicker sofa where I stretched out my legs. “Oh, yes. You do. But let me refresh your memory. You hired a killer who put a bullet meant for me into your daughter.”
Purple patches splashed across his face.
“And you convinced a third-rate cop to go crooked and taser me to death.”
Silence.
“Tell me, Judge Clark. Was it worth it? I mean, Tina?”
He stared at the floor.
“And do you want to know what really pisses me off?”
He didn’t.
“It was all over a prank. I’m not saying it was right. Jack stole your dogs. They were precious to you. But they were a menace to the neighborhood and were an accident waiting to happen. Women and children weren’t safe on the streets with those dogs running lose. So Jack nabbed them. And he sent them to a ranch in Alberta where they still live today.”
He widened his beady eyes. “Do you mean they’re alive?”
“Very much so. And eating their present owner out of house and home. Jack checks up on them once in a while.”
He closed his gaping mouth. “I didn’t know that. I thought they were dead. I thought he’d killed my dogs.”
“Because he sent you the lamb balls?”
“They were lamb balls?”
“Yes. It was a prank. A Jack prank. He didn’t think you’d actually believe that the testicles came from your dogs. He meant it as a joke. Not that it was funny.”
The good judge hung his head. “He shouldn’t have taken my dogs.”
“Maybe you’re right. But he did. It’s history now and I think enough people have paid the price for it, don’t you?”
He half-nodded.
“I’ll see you at the wedding then, sir.” I put down my empty glass and let myself out.
But I wouldn’t see Judge Clark at the wedding. Outside, two police cruisers were pulling up behind an unmarked car. Robocop struggled his way out of the passenger side of the former. His smile was smug enough to break his face.
“Your friend’s been squealing, Charlie. He’s going a little berserk behind bars.”
I couldn’t think of any friend behind bars at that exact moment. “Mind elaborating?”
Robo leaned his big brown coat against his car in important way, like he was about to receive an award. “Alfonse Vital. Your high school buddy. He says you went to school together.”
I shuddered. “No. We did not. Alfonse went to West Van High. I went to West Van High. We did not go to high school together. Ever. He was never my buddy. Although I did defend him a couple of times when bullies were picking on him. Not that he’s grateful. What’s he been squawking about, anyway? Needing new shorts from West Van Tent and Awning?”
“You don’t have to be mean, Charlie. He says you planted the drugs in his trunk. Got any opinions on that?”
“No.”
“He says to check the bags for fingerprints.” Robo was cracking up.
“Right. Like I’m stupid enough to leave fingerprints.”
“So it was you then.”
He was wearing on my nerves. “Now, why would I do that? Where would I get that kind of loot?”
“Your new brother? He’s kind of known for that shit, I think.”
I shrugged. “Richard doesn’t like me enough to share. And I don’t like Alfonse enough to set him up. But just for the record, why is Alfonse fingering me?”
“He says you’re carrying a grudge. Just because he tried to kill you. Imagine that!” Robo laughed his head off.
“He said that?”
“Yes. He’s gone a little bonkers. It’s called stir-crazy I think. We pulled his bank records and there’s a rather large deposit we were wondering about. So we asked him. We’d find out anyway so we said he could save us some time. For reduced charges. That’s why we’re here, my friend. To arrest that mean old judge.”
“He told you?”
“Yeah. Alfonse told us everything. Judge Clark is finally going to get what’s coming to him. He was a bastard on the bench. Filled the jails as best he could. And now he’s going to know just how it feels.”
I thought about poor little Tina in the hospital and about Judith who was just pulling into the driveway. “I don’t suppose you could wait a day or two? Jillian is getting mar
ried tomorrow.”
“Well, that would be lovely, son,” he said sarcastically. “But you know we can’t. Weddings don’t actually take precedent over the law.”
Chapter Thirty-One
JACKIE THOUGHT THE PLAN WAS hysterical. He liked the idea of dressing up as a cop and especially liked the hat although it was much too big for his head. For dress rehearsal we were at the Chinatown flat he shared with two other new Canadians, Bob and Joe. Excitement permeated the air as the two roommates sat together on a sagging sofa, a bowl of popcorn between them. The show was about to begin.
Jackie raced into the room. He pushed up his dangling sleeve and shaped his hand like a gun. “Bang bang,” he hollered. “You dead, Amster.”
I laughed. “You’re not supposed to kill anyone, Wildman.”
He groaned. Bob and Joe groaned. They were expecting a performance. “I need a real gun, Amster. I’m charging these guys five bucks each for the show.”
I plucked my Gloc 9 from its holster and removed the clip. “Go crazy. But first let me fix you up.” I rolled up his sleeves and made pant cuffs. “Maya will help. I’m sure she’ll have time to squeeze a little sewing in between her thousand wedding tasks. I’ll tell her it’s for a Chinatown street performance. She’s a sucker for Chinatown where she grew up.”
Jackie nodded. “You good, Amster. You lie good.”
I sat down in a one-armed armchair with a poor excuse for a cushion and wobbly legs. A crooked picture of Chairman Mao glared at me from across the room. “Pretend we’re the church congregation,” I said to Bob and Joe. “We’re sitting waiting for the bride. Richard is at the front of the church.”
Bob, a short square man in his early twenties, hopped up. “I be Wichard.”
I nodded. “Ok. You can be Richard. Go over and stand by the window.”
He headed for the door. “Window.” I pointed like a retriever so he headed for my finger. I led him to the window and told him, “Stay!”.
Joe was sitting cross-legged on the sofa pouting. He was a tall thin boy in his late teens, with a bottom lip quivering like a bowl of tripe. “Who I be? Who I be?”
“You can be Jack. Just get a glass of whisky and knock it back.”
Jack in a Box Page 14
