“He thinks maybe I could get off with community service. Can you imagine that?”
“What? You don’t like peeling potatoes at the Sally Ann?”
She picked up the New Yorker, shuffled her fuzzy slippers to my chair, and walloped me on the head. “He thinks maybe I could work in a library. Or teach computers to seniors. Or paint a mural at city hall.”
“Jump on it! Do it. Save yourself and the rest of us a lot of grief.”
“I can’t.” Tears spring to her eyes. “It’s too important to lie down over. The survival of our planet is at stake.”
I gave up. “I don’t pretend to understand you, Jillian, but you’re obviously going to fight this thing in court and I’ll support you in that. You know I will.”
She started to cry. “It’s Jack. I may never see my dad again.”
I grabbed her shaking shoulders and wrapped her in my arms.
Chapter Eleven
BILLY CHAN WAS AS PREDICTABLE as a starving rat. While I was busy setting up the monitor in a hotel room across from April’s suite, Billy was gobbling his way through the fruit basket, scattering banana peels and apple cores as though they might grow trees in the floor. He wolfed down walnuts and Brazil nuts, too, cracking them with his teeth before adding the shells to his trail. A cello wrapper from a pack of truffles topped the pile.
“You have to clean that up, Billy. You can’t leave garbage around.”
He looked confused. “There are maids here. That’s their job.”
“They don’t come in until tomorrow and I can’t live in this mess.”
“You don’t wive, Amster. You just work.”
He headed for the bathroom where, recharged by carbohydrates, he decided to snatch my terry bathrobe and wear it as a cape, Batman style. He emerged ready to fly around the room like a tree squirrel, leaping from bed to bed.
Just then Tony let himself in. With garment bag slung over his shoulder he headed for the closet. “Can’t control your employees, Charlie?”
“X-employee. I just fired him.”
Tony proceeded to scold Billy loudly, in Chinese, and Billy headed for the wastebasket shaking his head. “This isn’t fun, Amster. No fun at all.” With a down-turned mouth he started to clean up the mess.
Kow Gong made excuses for his nephew. “Billy’s very sad. He’s worried about his brother.”
“Well, he won’t get wrinkles over it I can tell you that.”
Tony walked over and whacked me with his chauffeur’s cap. “Get a heart, man. Get on the donor list.”
Dragging his feet, Billy returned my bathrobe to its hook and went back to crackling nuts with his teeth, only now he was spiting the shells into a wastebasket. Apparently, he wasn’t going to rest until all the food was gone. Thankfully, he didn’t drink.
“Reynolds is arriving at seven,” I told Tony. “Willy is bringing him right to April’s door. He doesn’t want him to get scared. You know how agoraphobics are.”
Tony had no clue. “Have you practiced with Billy?”
“I’ve tried but he won’t stop eating long enough to listen.”
Tony had excuses down to a fine science. “He was hungry in China.”
I felt like a louse.
“And he had to do bad things to survive. Like Jackie, he was a dentist but he didn’t have regular work”
I walked to the bar to pour a couple of drinks. Big ones. “Not Billy, too!”
“Yep. It’s a family business.”
“Right. Extracting teeth. During torture. Without anesthetic. A family business. Soon you’re going to tell me that you did it too.”
He shrugged. “Not if you don’t want to hear it. I was in Beijing until I was twenty-eight. They start you young back there.”
Billy started to choke on a shell and it didn’t take long for me to realize that he was in trouble. He came running towards me gasping and with a look of terror in his eyes. A quick Heimlich and the shell went flying. His eyes began to water and without saying thank you he went back to loudly cracking nuts with his molars.
“You should’ve waited until he turned blue,” his uncle said. “You were too quick to bail him out. He’s not scared now because he knows you’ll save him.”
Oh, sure. It was my fault.
“Maya is at April’s setting the table. She’s setting it for royalty and she’s doing an amazing job. Reynolds will be so wowed by the candles and intoxicating flowers it won’t take much champagne to knock him out.”
“How much champagne did you bring?”
“Three bottles. That ought to do, if she can even convince Reynolds to drink at all. I’m told that he’s afraid to drink alcohol in case he turns into his mother.”
“Who told you that?’
“Another nephew. Willy. In case you hadn’t noticed on that fancy spying equipment of yours he works for Reynolds.”
Boy. Was I being spanked! There was very little I didn’t know about Willy and Tony damn well knew it.
“My nephew also told me about how he arranged the date for Reynolds with April. Apparently, you’re not so good at your job. Willy booked a room next door to April for his guards. Reynolds has a wrist alarm and can call if he needs them. You didn’t think of that, did you?”
“I’m not Reynolds’ employee, Tony. Willy is. He was just doing his fucking job.”
“You were supposed to work for Reynolds. But you got goofy so he fired you.”
I ignored him. “I have every confidence in April. No mortal man can resist the powers of Princess Adrianna.”
Shortly before seven p.m. April emerged from her bedroom blowing kisses to the camera. Dressed in a full length, black and gold Cheongsam, with the skirt slit to the hip, she looked hot. Her hair went twisting into a knot that was fastened with a glittery clip, while dazzling diamonds dangled from her ears. She pivoted for our approval.
“She’ll kill him,” I told Tony. “He’ll die of fright.”
Billy held out two shaky hands. “Me too. She makes me shake.” Preparing for his appearance, Billy was wearing a white dinner jacket, black pants, and the shiny black shoes Tony had brought along. I straightened his bow tie.
“Get over there, Sharky.” Well, Billy did have sharp teeth. Likely from cracking nuts. “Get over there and do your job. And don’t let me down.”
Billy strutted to the door and before slamming it behind him said, ”Or what, Amster? Or you’ll break my fucking neck?”
I took a deep breath. “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Tony settled in on the sofa while I headed for the bar.
“You have a bad feeling about everything, Charlie. Give it a rest.”
“If he messes up I’ll kill him.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Maya had performed her magic on the Pacific Suite. The table was beautifully laid with her best china and crystal, and flowers flowed from vases about the room. Candles glowed. The door opened and Billy came bowing in. April whispered her instructions and Billy nodded, as though he understood. Right.
”I told April to stay seated,” I told Tony, ”because even in flats she’ll tower above Reynolds. Like she’s towering over Billy. She’s to stay seated and cross her legs.”
Tony could have cared less. “Yeah. Yeah.”
As per instructions, April headed for the beige sofa where she sat down and crossed her shapely legs, exposing plenty of flesh.
Precisely at seven o’clock a soft knock sent Billy scurrying to the door. “Remember what I told you,” I said to myself. “Do not say hello to Willy, even if he is your cousin. You do not know him today.”
Reynolds entered the Pacific suite and Billy motioned for him to proceed. Behind his back Billy waved to his cousin in the hall and made a sour face. He then stuck his head out the door, placed his thumb on his nose, and rudely gave the finger.
“What did he say?” I asked Tony, since Billy was speaking Chinese.
“His head was out in the hall, Charlie. How should I know?”
April patted the sofa. “You darling man! How thoughtful. Come here this minute and sit beside me. Shatner will put the flowers in a vase.”
Billy looks puzzled.
“He wanted to be called Kirk,” I told Tony. “Like Captain Kirk from Star Trek. He thinks he’s acting in a play but she’s got him confused now by calling him Shatner.”
Tony didn’t get it. “Why doesn’t she just call him Billy? That’s his name.”
“Billy wanted a fancy name. Like on TV. Kirk was his idea. He’s acting in a play and he wants a stage name. He wants to be Captain Kirk.” If I had to explain it again I’d likely cry.
“Shatner?” April repeated.
Billy looked over his shoulder. “No Shatner here.”
April turned to Reynolds. “I’m horrible with names.”
Reynolds nodded. “Me too.”
Right. The little computer-hacking genius knew the name of every customer in at least four Canadian banks, six U.S., and twelve European.
She squinted at Billy. “What did you say your name was, darling?”
“Kirk. Captain Kirk.”
Tony giggled. “He’s an idiot. My nephew is an idiot.”
Billy snatched the flowers from Reynolds’ hand and disappeared into the kitchen. Soon he returned carrying a silver bucket and two crystal flutes.
“I popped the corks and put stoppers in the bottles,” Tony said. “To make it easy for him.”
“Good thinking.”
Billy poured the champagne with great care. “Sampagne, Pwincess!” he announced proudly before returning to his duties in the kitchen.
April handed a flute to Reynolds.
“To us!” she toasted. “To us and our divine new friendship!”
Reynolds took a little sip. “I don’t drink alcohol much,” he whispered. He was scared of her.
“It’s Dom Perignon. A very good champagne. One of my favorites.”
He took another little sip. “This is very good. Very tasty.”
April flashed her killer smile. “You never know what a man and woman might do after too much champagne.”
Reynolds took a big gulp. “It is good.”
“Reynolds is a virgin,” I said. “According to Willy. He’s had virtual sex but never with a real woman. He must be shitting his pants.”
Billy returned with a tray of hors d’oeuvres, still with the sticky note #1 on the side. Maya had left nothing to chance. “Where do I put this, Madam?”
“It’s Princess, Captain. And you may put it on the coffee table. In fact, I think we should eat right here tonight. What do you think, you charming little man?” She reached over and scratched Reynolds under the chin.
He purred. He nodded. Done.
As per my lessons, Billy dried the bottle with a tea towel before toping up the glasses. “But who will eat at the table, Pwincess?”
“Billy doesn’t like change,” I said to Tony.
“Idiots don’t,” he mumbled. He was nodding off.
April gathered patience. “This is what I’d like you to do, Captain Kirk. I’d like you to bring the two place settings from the table and re-set them here, on the coffee table. You can serve our dinner here.” She leaned over, patted the table and waited for a goofy response.
“Can I sit at the table then?”
She smiled. “Absolutely! Later on, Captain. When my guest and I have finished dinner and have retired for the evening you may eat at the table.”
Reynolds tried to shake the bugs from his brain. He was retiring with the princess? A silly smile crept over his face.
Billy took it upon himself to speed up the evening, likely so he could eat at the table. He raced from the living room and returned with the two #2 bowls of seafood chowder. He slapped them down and escaped with the appetizers.
“But Captain!” the Princess complained. “We haven’t even touched the hors d’oeuvres.”
“He wants them for himself,” I said to Tony, who had drifted off. “He’s not listening. He’s going to ruin things.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Tony mumbled. “What are you going to do? Spank him?”
Billy returned to collect the bowls. “Sorry you didn’t like it.” He snatched the bowls away. “I have something better coming.”
“I’ll kill him,” I hollered. “I’ll fucking kill him!”
Tony snored away.
Reynolds had taken to smiling in the silliest way. His head loosened up and went bobbing like a plush toy in the back of a 1956 Chevy. “Captain!” he hollered bravely. “Could we have a little service here? More champagne.”
Billy hustled into the room, fresh bottle in hand. “My pweasure, Mr. Woo.” He poured the drinks, exchanged the bottles and hurried from the room. Out came the #3 Peking duck, Maya’s specialty. Billy laid the plates on the coffee table and topped up Reynolds’ champagne.
I kicked Tony with my foot. “He’s supposed to get him woozy not drunk. If he passes out we won’t learn a damn thing.”
“Why don’t you run over there and fix things, Charlie. Since all you can do is whine.”
Reynolds was on the downward slide. He was sinking lower into the sofa while trying to focus on April, who must have appeared huge. Still, he managed perfect control of his champagne flute and remembered where his mouth was not. He poured it on his suit. “A little more,” he said drunkenly. “Tell the boy we’ll have a little more.”
“Duck, darling?” April said. She stacked a few pieces of duck breast on a fork and stuffed it into Reynolds’ mouth. Billy was circling like a vulture, eager to snatch what he could.
April held up an authoritative hand. “Don’t! Don’t you dare!”
Billy shrugged. He already had a pretty good stash in the kitchen.
Giggling like a choirboy, Reynolds leaned his head on April’s arm, just before he conked out like the proverbial light.
“Now Billy’s done it! Reynolds is out for the night.”
“It’s eight o’clock,” barked Tony. “Take a pill.”
Someone knocked on the Royal Suite door and Billy the Beaver came out of the kitchen, his mouth packed with food.
“Send them away,” April ordered.
Billy chewed his way to the door.
In the entry a deep voice boomed, “I know it’s presumptuous of me to arrive unannounced. But I was in the hotel and thought I’d take a chance. I’m a friend of the princess. Do you think I might see her for a minute? If she’s not otherwise engaged?”
The packrat shook his head ‘no’ but Marco barged right in.
“Jesus Christ!” I shouted. “Marco Midolo. With another bushel of roses.”
“He’s horny,” said Tony nonchalantly. Then he started to giggle. “Act II. Some play! I’m glad no one will know Billy’s real name. He’s a disgrace to the Chans. And the Chinese.”
Ok. So, now we have Overcoat Marco bursting onto the scene bearing roses, and Princess Adrianna sitting on the sofa with a passed out Asian on her lap. It was actually better than a play.
Tony stretched. “This ought to be good. Got any popcorn, Charlie?”
“Marco!” April squealed. “How lovely to see you, Daaling.”
Marco wasn’t so sure. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I should have called ahead.”
“Nonsense. I’m thrilled that you dropped by. Please have a chair. Captain Kirk will arrange the roses.”
He handed the flowers to Billy who’d finally managed to conquer the food in his mouth.
“Captain Kirk,” said April. “Would you please pour Mr. Midolo a glass of champagne?”
Billy disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a fresh flute. He poured the last of the second champagne bottle into Charlie’s glass, a shy half.
April pursed her mout
h. “Captain. Please bring more champagne for our guest.”
Billy’s face turned red. “No more. All gone.”
“I don’t think so. There were three bottles and we’ve only finished two. There’s one more in the fridge.”
Billy adamantly shook his head. “Gone. I poured it down the sink.”
I gasped. “He drank it! The little bugger drank it. Your nephew, the glutton, drank the last bottle of champagne.”
“What do you want from me? He’s your assistant. If you paid him more he could afford his own champagne and wouldn’t have to steal.”
“This will do nicely,” said Marco. “I shouldn’t have barged in.” He looked a bit uncomfortable with Reynolds out cold and with his head on April’s lap. “Your friend seems awfully tired.”
April nodded. “Oh, he is! Very.”
I had to laugh. “Academy award. The woman deserves a trophy.”
Captain Kirk chimed in. “Mr. Woo wary tired. Mr. Woo had a wong day.”
I snickered. “Someone stole his food. He’s passed out from hunger.”
Marco’s ears perked up. “How is that? How did Mr. Woo have a long day?”
“Big Twip.”
“I see. Where did he come from?”
“Top seewit,” said Billy proudly. “Nobody knows he’s here. His father is a big king.”
Marco understood royalty. He stood up. “Until tomorrow night, then, Adrianna. And I hope your guest sleeps well.”
With Marcus gone at last, April enlisted Billy’s help in dragging Reynolds to her bed. Back in the living room she issued orders.
“I need you to call room service for me. Order a bottle of champagne. And none of it is for you! Understand?”
He adamantly shook his head. He ran to the ice bucket and grabbed the dripping bottle. “Cannot do, Pwincess. I can’t weed the words.”
Reluctantly, April picked up the phone and ordered a bottle herself.
The clock radio on my nightstand flashed 3:03 a.m. when the telephone finally rang.
“They’re in Surrey,” whispered April from the living room. “In a warehouse. And if Reynolds is to be believed they won’t be there long. Mini is going to teach Richard a lesson, one way or another.”
Jack in a Box Page 24
