Desperate Housewives of Olympus

by DeWylde, Saranna

  The thought made her so very tired. Eternity just like this, never again holding food on her tongue, not drinking or tasting, never being touched. She missed hugging; the feel of being pressed against someone who took away all the bad things in the world. When simply being in their embrace made everything better. She missed her mother. Second best was being hugged by a strong man. Abstinence had liked hugging more than kissing, more than sex.

  She supposed it was a cliché, but she wanted to be held. Too bad her traitorous body wanted Zeus to do it. He’d be more than willing, she was sure. It would be too easy for him to go from holding, to touching, to pleasure… He’d do anything to get what he wanted.

  The sad part was he didn’t even have to be attracted to her to want her. She was something new, something he hadn’t had and he’d been told no before he’d even toed up to the starting line.

  He was coming over again today. Abstinence didn’t remember how he’d gotten an invitation out of her, but apparently, it had fallen out of her mouth like a suicidal lemming and her tongue had been the precipice of the cliff. They were going to watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and he was bringing more ambrosia wine. He’d promised to only give her a glass and she was to leave half.

  She wanted to tell him not to come. She was only torturing herself by spending any time with him at all. He said he understood her predicament and didn’t want anything bad to happen because of him, but she’d have to be sixteen kinds of stupid to believe that. His wrath was vast and terrible when he didn’t get his way and he’d been known to hurt those who were supposed to be in his good graces.

  Abstinence sensed a presence on her walkway and peered out of the window to see one of the most beautiful women she’d ever set eyes on. She was everything Abstinence was not: thick dark hair hung in perfect ringlets, frosted with purple tips, lush breasts were spilling over her corset with enticing cleavage, her hips were flared and round and her face, her skin… Abstinence was instantly envious. Then she noticed the woman wore a crown. This had to be Hera. Zeus’ long-suffering wife.

  From the smile on her face, she didn’t look to be suffering. Maybe they had one of those open marriages, although mythology said Hera was the super bitch of smiting doom. Abstinence found her gaze drawn to the goddess’s cleavage again and then back down at her own sad state. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to touch them because she wanted them for her own, or because she was girl-crushing. It couldn’t be that, could it? She’d never been attracted to another woman. Ever. She’d never really been attracted to a man before Zeus, either, so she supposed it was all the same. Maybe it was a god/goddess thing. Or maybe it was because she’d denied herself everything for so long, she wanted everything. It was like taking a starving homeless guy to a buffet he could sleep in. That explanation made more sense to her and made her much less uncomfortable.

  Hera knocked; unceremoniously rattling her from those thoughts and into new ones. Abstinence didn’t want to open the door. The Queen of the Gods was paying her a visit the day after her philandering husband had come over and tried to get between her thighs. If she’d been another sort of goddess, he was charismatic enough that she might have let him. Was Hera here to kick her ass into another dimension? Shit, she did not want to deal with this.

  “I don’t bite, sugar. I promise.”

  So, Hera knew she was standing there. Might as well open the door, she could probably smite her even if she kept it closed. Abstinence pulled the door open tentatively.

  “May I come in?” she asked, a smile on her face.

  It looked genuine enough. Abstinence didn’t feel like roaches were about to start crawling out of her ears, or her hair turning to snakes so she stepped aside and motioned for the other goddess to enter. She didn’t speak though. Her tongue was swollen like a snake that had swallowed a whole raccoon.

  “I take it from the look on your face you know who I am?” Hera said as she breezed past her. The scent of roses followed in her wake as her heels clacked on the marble floor.

  “You smell lovely,” she blurted.

  Hera cocked her head to the side for a moment and rewarded her with another smile. “Thank you, you’re sweet. I get them from Demeter’s garden. Put them in my bath and I smell like roses all day. I’m sure she’d give you some, if you like.”

  “I haven’t met Demeter yet.”

  “She’s a hoot. More into the smiting than me, actually. But you know how rumors are. I throw one little fit and suddenly, I’m a hell bitch.”

  “I didn’t think you were a hell bitch, but I will admit I was afraid to open the door,” Abstinence confessed.

  “Well, who wouldn’t be when the wife of your new shag is at the door, right?”

  If Abstinence could have fallen over dead at that precise moment, she would have. Short of that, she was tempted to jam her fingers in her ears and scream: “Na-na-na-na, I can’t hear you.” She didn’t want to hear it.

  “Gods, don’t look so stricken. He’s a right bastard, as Nyx is so found of saying. That’s not your fault.” Hera took her hand in a familiar way and led her into the living room where she sat next to her on the utilitarian futon.

  Abstinence let herself be maneuvered, not that she had much say in the matter anyway. There was no use pretending she did. “I don’t mean to be rude, but what do you want?”

  “I want us to be friends,” Hera told her.

  “Yes, but what do you want out of that friendship?” Abstinence pushed the issue. She knew Hera wanted something from her and it was better to find out sooner rather than later.

  “A few favors here and there. I want you to keep Zeus interested. If you haven’t let him in to your bed yet, make him work for it. String him along for as long as you can.”

  Abstinence choked and gave a spluttering cough. “What?”

  “You really are new on the block, aren’t you?” Hera patted her hand. “Listen, I’m giving you a free pass to fuck him blue, if you want. No retribution. All I want is for you to make him work for it. He’ll appreciate it much more that way. You’ll keep him sniffing around longer too. Which, personality wise, not so great. But consider his skills in the sack, oh yeah.” Hera nodded knowingly.

  Abstinence took a deep breath to steady herself and then took Hera’s hand in her own. “I don’t think you understand, Hera. I’m more than happy to help you, but do you know who I am?”

  Hera blushed. “I am horrible, aren’t I? I don’t even know your name. I hatched this plan and charged over without even bringing a hostess gift.”

  “No, no. You’re not horrible at all. Your husband is trying to sleep with another woman, I should count myself lucky you didn’t come over here and kick my ass. Everyone knows he’s married. It’s not like I could claim I didn’t know when he came over with that ridiculous gift basket.” She shook her head with disgust. “But I can’t sleep with him even if I wanted to.”

  “Why not?” Hera raised a brow that seemed to imply she was dismayed at this turn of events; instead of pleased her husband wouldn’t be sticking his thunderbolt in a foreign cloud.

  “I’m Abstinence.”

  “You’re shitting me.”

  “I’d never shit you, Hera. If I sleep with your husband, I’ll die and my sister or my nieces will have to bear the burden of Abstinence in my place. So, you see, I couldn’t do this for you even if I wanted to.”

  Hera’s whole body shook as she tried not to laugh. Especially her bosoms. She looked like she was going to rattle them right out of the corset and Abstinence couldn’t stop staring. “I’m sorry, but this is just too funny. Does Zeus know?”

  “He does. And he’s promised not to seduce me.” Abstinence rolled her eyes. “I’ll believe that when dog shit tastes like ice cream.”

  “Oh, good for you.” She giggled some more. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. I know from personal experience that it sucks not getting any.”

  “You? But he’s your—,” she began.

  “I know. We haven�
�t shared a bed in centuries, but I was faithful. All but for the sacrificial virgins, but those don’t count. Not in my book, anyway.”

  “But you’re so beautiful!” she exclaimed.

  Hera blushed again, a genuine expression. “You’re kind.”

  Abstinence hadn’t expected this; hadn’t expected to like Hera so much. Or still envy her, even though her marriage was a pile of crap. She realized she was still holding her hand and her skin was so soft. She knew her own was calloused and rough. Hera was all that was feminine and for a moment, Abstinence wanted to be her.

  “I feel awful. I wanted to hate you. You’re so thin and delicate.”

  “I’m starving. That’s not pretty,” she replied in a self-deprecating tone.

  “It’s fashionable,” Hera said in a conspiratorial tone.

  Why couldn’t she hate her? It would make it so much easier not to feel guilty for eye-humping her husband or her for that matter. Her eyes strayed back to the cleavage she envied.

  “I’d rather have your figure.”

  “We’re a pair, aren’t we?” she sighed. “Are you sure if you sleep with him you’ll actually die?”

  “Fairly. I don’t think any of my ancestors ever pushed the envelope. I never met any of them, but for the office to be open, so to speak, something had to happen that they died, right?”

  “What if we could find you a loophole? Would you do it then?” Hera asked tentatively and chewed on her amethyst lower lip.

  “Oh, I’ll do it anyway. All but the follow-through, of course.”

  “Wonderful!”

  “But if you could find a loophole, there’s something I want from you.” Was she really going to do this? Common sense had fled, so she didn’t stop to reconsider.

  “What do you want I can give you?” Hera searched her face.

  “A hug.”

  “Wh—huh?”

  “It’s what I miss about my mortal life. Hugging. I don’t know anyone else and if I ask another god for a hug, he’ll think the other is fair game.”

  “You can have that now. Come here.” She held out her arms.

  “I can’t.”

  “I don’t understand. You asked for it. You can have it. Where does the can’t come in?”

  It was Abstinence’s turn to blush. “I’m just going to be honest. I am totally girl-crushing on you. And…” she trailed off.

  “It’s okay. What’s a little perving between friends?” Hera laughed. “You’re amazing for my self-esteem.”

  Hera dragged her into her embrace and the scent of roses wrapped around her. Abstinence was pleased to notice she didn’t perv at all on her new friend and what she’d thought was a crush was nothing more than the instant connection between friends frosted with a bit of boob envy. She’d never had that before and hadn’t understood the intensity of the instant camaraderie between them.

  Hera seemed to know too. “See, no perving. You’re just lonely and don’t have a good support system. Although, I did like the idea of being crushed upon.”

  “I am lonely,” she said as if she’d only just now realized it. “No one understands I can’t do all of the things they do. I can do nothing to excess or extreme pleasure or I get sick. I guess I’m not much fun.”

  “You’re loads of fun. Especially since you’re going to keep my husband entertained until I’ve constructed the perfect…lesson. Not revenge, per se, but a lesson learned.” Hera nodded as she spoke, as if agreeing with herself.

  Abstinence laughed. “I’m glad you came over, but you have to go.”

  “Oh, he’s coming back today, isn’t he? Well, don’t let him get his arm around you, because after that, you’re screwed. In more ways that one. That god is like a tentacled one from the deep. Once he gets you in his grasp, you’re toast. He’s so warm and he smells so good.” Hera sighed.

  “What is that smell anyway? It’s like vanilla and rum. Only not drunkardly or girlish. I’ve always thought of vanilla as a girl’s perfume.”

  “He pulls it off though, doesn’t he?” She sighed again. “You should get out more though. All of the gods are warm and golden. Except Hades.”

  “You like him?”

  “Zeus?” she deflected.

  “You know very well who I mean. You shivered when you said his name, more so than remembering your husband’s good qualities.”

  “Yeah, you caught me. I like sullen and tortured better than GQ asshole.”

  They both laughed.

  “With as crappy as Zeus has been to you if even half of those stories are true, you deserve to find some happiness wherever you can. So, if Hades makes you happy, I’m on the wagon.”

  Hera regarded her for a moment before she spoke. “It just feels like I can trust you, so I’m going to tell you everything. It’s only fair, anyway. I asked you to do something without giving you all the details and possible repercussions. Kind of like the side effects on those prescription drug commercials. You should know what you’re getting in to.”

  “Damn, you make it sound like there’s going to be some kind of treasonous coup.”

  “Aren’t all coups treasonous?” Hera asked with a confused look on her face.

  “I think so,” Abstinence replied.

  “Well, there you have it. Zeus has been an Olympic—pun intended—douchebag for long enough. I made him a king and I’ve decided to unmake him.”

  “You’re going to kill him?” she gasped. Abstinence didn’t think she could handle it if that’s what she was implying.

  “No, of course not. But send him to rot in Tartarus and crown Hades King of Gods? Yep. That’s on the to do list.”

  “What happens if it doesn’t go as planned?”

  “You mean if his psychotically paranoid ass catches me plotting his downfall?” Hera said lightly.

  “Yeah, that.” Abstinence nodded.

  “I don’t know. Hopefully, I can protect myself. If not, maybe Hades will do it for me. We dated before I married Zeus.”

  “The two most powerful gods of this pantheon and you have self-esteem issues?” Abstinence raised a brow. Then her eyes widened right as a knock came on the door that could only be Zeus. “Shit, you know he doesn’t wait for a body to answer the door like a regular person. Quick, out the back.”

  “Wait, are you still in?” Hera asked, wide-eyed.

  “Duh. Go on. Back door. Scoot!” She headed for the door, but then turned back to her. “If you still want me to do this?”

  “Yes!” Hera hissed and darted toward the kitchen and the back door.

  Zeus appeared inside before Abstinence could get to the door. She spared a glance and noticed the back door had swung wide.

  “Why do you never answer the door?”

  “Why do you never wait for me to answer the door?”

  “Was someone here?” he asked carefully.

  “Is that your business?”

  He looked startled for a moment before he laughed. “I am a jealous god. I want your attentions only for me.”

  “What if I said the same thing? Hmm? I didn’t ask where you were all day.”

  “You’re not my wife.”

  “And if your wife asked, would you tell her?” she volleyed.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m a god. She should mind her place.”

  Abstinence had a hard time not letting her jaw drop at that one. Her place? Dick. “I wonder how you’d feel about it if you asked her where she’d been and she declined to tell you?”

  “I don’t care what she does, so I don’t ask.”

  “I bet that would change if she were banging the shit out of, say, Poseidon?”

  “Have you heard something?” He narrowed his eyes at her.

  “No, just an example.” Abstinence shrugged as if she couldn’t care less.

  He studied her for a moment. “Let’s not talk about my wife.”

  “Why not? I met her today.” Abstinence was having more fun with this than she probably should
have. It was just that he was so sure of himself, so sure of his place in the universe and really believed he wasn’t governed by the rules that applied to everyone else. So the startled look on his face pleased her immensely. It made her wonder what other things she could say that would shock him.

  “You what?”

  “She’s hot.” Another blow he wasn’t expecting, by the look on his face.

  His eyes glazed over. “Yeah? Because you know we could—,”

  Why did this reaction not surprise her? She interrupted him. “Maybe. But I don’t want to, you know, die to do it. So why don’t you work on finding me a loophole?” This flirting thing wasn’t as hard as she’d thought it would be. “But you already said you didn’t want to talk about your wife. So let’s talk about you while we get the DVD fired up.” Abstinence gave him a guileless smile. All males like to talk about themselves, or so her sister had been fond of saying. She was about to put all of that sage advice her sister had handed down to her in those midnight whisper sessions to use.

  PERSEPHONE

  “You can’t be here,” Persephone squeaked when she saw Eros coming up the stairs to her room. Holy balls, her mother would skin him like a rabbit and wear him like a winter coat. Demeter would have a two-headed epileptic cow if she knew Eros was not only in the house, but on his way up to see her. In her bedroom. She’d die of the horror and then she’d smite everything for miles. It would be nothing short of Chernobyl.

  “No, it’s okay. She’s the one who let me in.” Eros took another step to stand on the foyer.

  Persephone narrowed her eyes. “Uh-huh. What kind of arrow did you shoot her with to get her to do that?” It would’ve had to have been one that knocked her out for oh, say the next year.

  “A really sharp one.” The corner of his mouth curved up in a smirk.

  Seriously, there would have to be something wrong with Demeter on a basic level to let a god in the house. “No, really. Is she okay? She must be sick or something.” Persephone stepped around him to go down the stairs, but he grabbed her wrist.